This topic contains 2 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Newbie 1 month, 2 weeks ago.
November 29, 2020 at 1:25 am #827690
Well…this was one of the forums I found and looked at for advice when my ex first started slow fading on me. I couldn’t seem to find articles that fully explained things he would do, and suddenly google showed a post from this page. I read the story and it sounded similar, and then I read all of the comments. It helped a lot, but also didn’t; what I’ve since learned is the reason I’m posting here today.
If your person starts slow fading after you tell them you love them, if they start sabotaging or picking random fights, or starts slow fading or completely ghosts after you had an intimate time (vacation for a few days, lovey-dovey date, etc), they might have an avoidant attachment style. This isn’t to be confused with a mental disorder. EVERYONE has an attachment style, although it can be a mix or at various levels. Avoidants kinda run from intimacy – they actually get afraid on a deep level, because as kids they learned they had to depend on themselves when it came to feelings so that’s what they’re comfy with. It doesn’t make them bad, just…because it’s common for anxious styles to pair up with avoidant styles, and they need opposite things, it can create a huge sense of despair or clingy ness in the partner when an avoidant suddenly disengages.
So this happened to me. It took me a month to find attachment styles. I learned that I’m anxious, and that while it doesn’t excuse some of the mean things I said…it does explain it. Anxious styles typically engage in protest behaviours, like having a tantrum when the other person won’t meet our needs or being silent and it can include just a lot of nasty words said that will want to be taken back later. Only to an avoidant, I’ve learned, they will think you’re being honest the whole time and think the worst of you. Mine wouldn’t actually tell me that but I could see it in his replies when he still would talk to me – he was angry and negative a lot. Complete 180 from our good times. So I looked for perspectives from avoidants. And finally found it. Likely he won’t come back, and the reason why is because I wasn’t a good person when I was doing protest behaviours. I said some pretty mean things. When I realised just how mean I had been, even before I learned attachment style stuff, I apologized profusely and with an action plan to prevent that behaviour again. It didn’t matter – it was too late.
As I write this, I think I’ve actually shut down the same way that my ex did. I kind of feel like I have no emotions at all. So I think I might actually be fearful style, which can be both anxious or avoidant depending on who you’re around. But up until recently it was the most pain I had ever been in in my life. This guy was my world, and it wasn’t even that long we were together, but I had trusted him more than anyone else. It felt like it was the most healthy relationship I had ever had…until suddenly, admittedly after a few fights, he was slow fading. Nothing I did was the right move. The fights themselves were not things that should have ended a relationship. The attachment style issues actually started seemingly randomly until I really dissected our interaction history (we were long distance so most was in writing).
So…if you’re overly worried or needy or such, look into attachment styles. Even if it can’t save anything, it’ll help you understand and it will take the pain down a notch to know you’re not alone. It will help you learn how to try and become more secure, including setting good boundaries and defining your needs in relationships. These are things you need to have in healthy relationships, I’m learning.
Anyways…I tried everything. I made a lot of mistakes. Idk. I know people don’t like to learn from others’ experiences sometimes but I posted because I really wish it had been something i came across earlier. It took me a month to find it and that was way too long :( things were already too far gone, and he pretty much seems to hate me now.November 29, 2020 at 7:50 am #827750
Attachment styles can teach you a lot, but i think the most important thing you can learn is to move from anxious to secure. For each person thats the best move because it helps:
– not to attract avoidants as secure style see right through their avoidant issues and move on
– to be happy with yourself instead of looking for happiness from rhe outside (bf)
– find secure style men that dont fight with you as they are not into that.
Now i know thats easier said than done, but just looking at your post i can already tell you are in your own way of finding good partners. I was anxious too and i didnt understand why. I was never disbanded, i had a happy life, was confident, had good friends. Only when i digged deep down i understood love made me extrmely vunerable as i didnt feel it would stay. I felt if i got into it, it would be taken away. Then i also realized that maybe i can feel utterly betrayed by someone (love-live-work) it doesnt mean i disappear. I will be fine. Those two realizations for me formed the start of me not being an anxious style lover but becoming secureNovember 29, 2020 at 8:02 am #827753
Maybe i should try to explain it better. You can do a thought exercise in thinking what would be the worst thing that could happen to you, feeling wise and what would be the consequenses for you. Lets see at this moment that would be a guy you like rejecting you and that feels like the end of the world. And then think of someting that actually happened and was the worse kind of betrayal you felt. For me it was a weird scenario where a long term friend suddenly got on with the travel guide and left me alone with a group of aweful people. I actually tried to walk out of the forest alone, to get away (in Honduras lol). How stupid as this example is, to me it was key in understanding all my fear was in my head alone. Nothing bad was going to happen. Anyway your own thoughts can be your worst enemy. And when you walk through your ghost stories you will see you bounced back. Thats not the problem. The problem is why you start to fight and create issues in the early days. Thats what you need to fix