Talked to my guy about the "deep regret of my last text"


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  • #354175 Reply
    KAT

    So, I called that guy tonight and he answered the phone! I was surprised for one since we had never talked on the phone (over the 4+ months we’ve known one another) and because I wasn’t sure he’d want to talk to me.

    Anyway, he was really sick and sounded terrible, but we talked for 45 minutes. He knows I have my house for sale, so he was asking me all about that. Then, he tells me he had been thinking of texting me, but was not sure he should given my last text and how angry he thought I was with him and that he felt I basically told him to F-off.

    I told him I felt badly and was very sorry for what I had done to contribute to the way things went down with us. That I was so happy we had reconnected, but sad he was not in my life now. Told him my excitement got the best of me and I acted in haste and got ahead of myself. That it had been some time since I felt such a strong connection to someone and that caused me to act out of character.

    He confirmed he’s too new (6 mos.) out of a 3.5 yr relationship (which I just learned he lived with his ex and her daughter for 3 of those years.) He doesn’t want a relationship with anyone and doesn’t want to date anyone. Says he hates dating. Says he doesn’t even really want to hang with his friends.

    He told me he really likes me, I’m amazing and gorgeous and he still wants to hang out with me as he enjoys the time he spends with me. But, he says all he does is make me angry. That we have tried 2 times and it just isn’t working. I, of course, told him the 3rd time is a charm! :) He says he just can’t be in a relationship right now.

    He still thought I didn’t want him to spend time with his ex’s child. I reminded him I admire him for his love and devotion to her, but it was my insecurity over the ex that caused me concern. But, I do understand now that a mother wants to always be with her child.

    I also told him I believe that he and I had seemed to have different ideas of the “promises” he made to me that day (exclusivity, spending every weekend together, etc.) I said I knew we were not GF/BF, but I thought that talk meant we were heading toward something even though I thought it seemed too soon for him to have offered that. I truly think he wanted that, but then later thought he’d moved to quickly in saying those things.

    But, again, my interest level in him and my excitement caused me to run with it!

    We talked about a lot of stuff, too much to write here. But, he ended the call saying he had to take some medicine and go to bed. I had said I wasn’t sure we could just be friends, especially since he admits we have a strong attraction and connection with each other. He said he will text me or I can text him.

    I have never been in this type of situation before. When we reconnected, I wanted to see where things would go and if we could end of having a relationship. I still want him in my life, but I really am not sure we can just be friends. I do believe him that he doesn’t want to date anyone. I am trying not to project anything. But, I am concerned if we are friends, we will end up getting physical with each other.

    I do not want to end up being friends with benefits only to see him start dating someone else later. But, then again, time could tell and we could end up actually end up growing closer?

    I am still processing all of this. Thoughts?

    #354176 Reply
    KAT

    I should add, too, that I know he believes for any relationship to work, you need to start as friends. Historically, when I meet a guy, he either falls into the “I want to date you or the friend zone.” This guy definitely fell into the former! But, I have lots of friends who believe just as he does.

    While he and I have not had sex yet, we have come very close and have fooled around quite a bit. Had we had condoms, we would have had sex one day. We cannot really keep our hands off each other as we definitely have a strong attraction to one another.

    #354186 Reply
    LAgirl

    Kat
    The way I read it, he is only offering friendship which has the potential for FWB if you agree to keep seeing him and it turns intimate…

    Like most women, you want him so badly it seems you went into ‘convincing mode’ when you spoke with him and are now twisting what he said into a possible ‘he may grow to love me if we stay friends.’ I know.. we have all been there at some point. I can recall having done this in the past. The reality is that he didn’t seek you out… you had to call him. His comment about thinking on texting you is lame. Had he wanted to, he could have contacted you first.

    One thing of note is that he is putting you in pursuer role by casting you as the problem. Note that he says, 1) he could not make you happy: you were always getting mad at him, and 2) you didn’t like him seeing the ex.

    The problem with the above statements is that it takes him out of the equation and puts you on the defensive. It makes you believe that if only you changed YOUR ways, things could work out. Do you see what he did? He is actually not taking any blame for things not working. Not acknowledging he has to change anything. He is saying if you do want to keep seeing him, it has to be on his terms. I translate this to mean 1) at most you would get FWB and 2) he will continue with ex and doing what he wants because he is setting this up to be casual.

    This is how we end up getting hurt. This is not a chick flick and men don’t typically function this way. Once you get put into a category (friend, FWB, GF/wife material) you don’t get moved.

    I would keep my options open and not put too much into him. I know you really like him. So much so, you reached out. But as ladies said on previous thread, this man isn’t looking for a relatinship with you and I don’t believe any of your texts or actions pushed him away… after 4 months he would know if you were ‘the one’ or not.

    #354195 Reply
    Jj

    I echo la girl. This guy is only prepared to see you on his termsm when convenient to him. He is giving you nothing and being honest about it. I would not sit around and wait for him to change his mind, or try to convince him otherwise. This is only going to lead to deeper hurt. You’ve been thinking about your deep regret about your last text for weeks.i bet it has barely crossed his mind.

    I know you like him but this really is a losing situation. If he changes his mind in the future he can contact you then.

    #354208 Reply
    KAT

    Thanks, Ladies. Those are interesting points you make LAgirl. I should clarify, although we have known each other for 4 months, we did not date the whole time. We went out a couple of times, then split because he said he didn’t have time to date due to a couple of promotions he was concentrating on for work, as well as at the time only having been split from his ex for 2.5 months, moving from their old place (she had already moved out), and a couple of other things. When he told me all this, he did say he wished we had not met each other “this year.” I am in grad school, so I was busy, too. So, it seemed the timing was just not right.

    We touched base a couple of times during the split. I initiated, but he always responded right away. The last time, we had gone without communicating for 7 weeks. It was then he asked me out again. When we reconnected was when he started with the exclusivity talk, etc.

    So, during the 4 months we’ve known each other, we only were together for about less than have of that time. We only went on 4 dates.

    I don’t believe I went into convincer mode, though. It had been two weeks since my last text. I simply contacted him now to let him know I did feel badly and was sorry for whatever I had done to have things end the way they did. I do not agree I am 100% to blame. I agree he could have stepped up and done some things differently, too. But, you are right, he doesn’t seem to be doing that. I think by him saying he’s not ready, that is the only explanation he can (or wants to give.) I am not sure he is really trying to put this all on me (but maybe he is.)

    We both actually acknowledged that neither of us can seem to do anything right. He said he always seems to make me angry and I told him it was because of the disappearing acts and my interest level causing me to act out of character. I did explain I am usually very reserved and fickle.

    My friends do believe I was way into this guy before I should of been, that we were not on the same page, and I did not allow the relationship to grow naturally. With this, I do agree. If I had stepped back and let things unfold more and not let my insecurity get the best of me, then MAYBE things would have been different. But, maybe not.

    I fell for him without really knowing him well. Perhaps if we had gotten to know one another better, than I would have found I didn’t really like him as much as I thought. I am not sure if we hang out as friends if I will continue to like him or find out more about him and decide we wouldn’t have worked out anyway.

    Are you saying it’s not possible for him to just not be ready for a relationship 6 months outside of a 3.5 year relationship? Adding this child to the mix really complicates things as I think he considers himself her father.

    And, from what friends of mine who are parents tell me, the mom is a package deal with the kid. Is it not possible he is spending time with them both only because he has to in order to see the kid? Or do you think he still has feelings for his ex and is just keeping me on the backburner?

    #354212 Reply
    celesteannv

    I see this man being very upfront with you and while he always ‘responded in the right way’.. is that what you want? I a man who will be nice when you call or text him, but will not pursue you?
    I think he is keeping you as an option, but cannot be in a relationship .. it may be not now, not for a long time, not ever, not with you.
    I would step away.. get on with your life and leave space in your life for the universe to fill with friends, experiences and maybe a new man who will add to it rather than leave you wondering.

    #354224 Reply
    Lane

    KAT,

    Attaching yourself to a man who just came out of a relationship is a recipe for disaster and heartache. When one goes through a break-up or divorce they must go through several stages/steps before they can even THINK about getting into another relationship. Although everyone’s situation is different based on the degree of the break-up ranging from very low (better friends than lovers) to very high (animosity), there’s a healing curve involved before they can even THINK about entering into another relationship.

    The first phase, which he’s in, is when one is needs to get their ego stroked to know they’re still attractive to the opposite sex and majority of the rebounds takes place. However, this is a short-term fix that can last between one to 5/6 months before they’re compelled to start DEALING with the break-up by properly grieving and healing which can last 1 to several years, again depending upon the person and length/level of the break-up.

    You need to let him properly go through the stages because he’s not even CLOSE to giving his heart to another woman again—his ex still has it.

    #354226 Reply
    Sherri

    In your above msg you said “He told me he really likes me, I’m amazing and gorgeous and he still wants to hang out with me as he enjoys the time he spends with me. But, he says all he does is make me angry. That we have tried 2 times and it just isn’t working. I, of course, told him the 3rd time is a charm!” That’s when u went into convincing mode. He is clearly telling u that he is not looking for a relationship. I would say if you want a casual FWB thing without expecting anything more go ahead with him. If you want a relationship, then this is not the guy for you.

    Also I am a mother of 2 little girls. I share custody with my ex. I am not there with him when he has the girls and vice versa. I also know of step fathers who have the kids without the mother around. I wonder whether the ex is accompanying them to try and see if she can get back with him again. That’s another thought!!

    If I were u, I would go into NC mode completely. U would go thru the seven stages of grief and if u continue in the NC mode, then u will finally hit acceptance. If at any time u break down and contact him, u would need to start from stage one again!!

    I have done this and u need tremendous will power to do it. It would help if you delete his information so there is no way to contact him.

    #354301 Reply
    talllady

    Sweetness, I am going to be less polite than these other ladies. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop listening to the part where he says you are gorgeous and there is a connections and he “almost” contacted you and pay attention to his actions.

    You are not on the backburner. Period. You do all the calling, you do all the contacting and you do all of the keeping this together. That is not being on the backburner, it is not even having been brought into the house.

    The reason is irrelevant and you can spend a ton of time trying to mechanize a way that he will get over his fear, be done with this women, get him to like you better, create a unicorn that will bring you back together, but doesn’t that seem like way too much work when you can – FIND A MAN WHO ACTUALLY WANTS TO BE WITH YOU without all this drama?

    NEVER EVER EVER EVER remain friends with a man you are interested in. At best, you are only friends forever, at the middle you become FWB – which is even more confusing, at worst you get dumped because you supported him by being a doormat. Yes, at this point, if you engage with him as a friend and support him through whatever bull honkey stuff he is going through, you will get the shaft for a woman who would not take the crumbs on offer. He will use you to get better and then move on.

    #354308 Reply
    diane

    Haha – everything that got said above is 100% true….

    Anybody, men or women, freshly out of a relationship/divorce are NOT ready… Period…

    #354325 Reply
    KAT

    You are all probably right. I am a fool!

    #354329 Reply
    Sally

    no, you are not a fool. you just really liked this guy, and maybe he led you on a bit too. but, now you have wised up, and talllady is absolutely 100 per cent correct. i hope you listen to her. it does really hurt, i know, i’ve been through it, but if you go NO CONTACY and stick to it, you WILL forget about him, and then you will look back, and wonder what the hell you were thinking, lol. be free of this guy. FLY AWAY…

    #354352 Reply
    Tracey

    I agree with everything that the other ladies have said and I have been in your shoes before. Some guys will tell you exactly what you want to hear to keep you on a string, while also telling you the truth about what they are feeling. We tend to sometimes ignore the “what they are feeling” part and only hear the the “what you want to hear” part. Do yourself a favor and delete his number, email, Facebook or any other means that you use to keep up with him. If you can’t contact him, then you can’t check up on him randomly and you will slowly forget about him. Out of sight, out of mind. It will only benefit you in the long run.

    #354370 Reply
    KAT

    One thing I will say in my defense (!), is that each time this guy has not said or done something that I was not in agreement with, I called him out on it. Pretty bluntly, and, at times, harshly. Yet, he keeps coming back to me. This is why he says he makes me mad all the time.

    He is a police detective and, while I will not generalize that occupation, those in in (who I know quite a few of) are quite full of themselves. He is also a self-proclaimed wiseass. He is actually a crazymaker, too, in many ways. So, he has a certain personality that is both charming and exhausting. He is also not a planner. He is quite successful in his professional life, but seems to just blow in the breeze personally. I have a very dear friend who is also in law enforcement that is this way. It drives his wife nuts!

    Anyway, back to my calling him out… I have put him in his place a number of times and he always comes chasing back acknowledging I am calling him on his BS and he starts “making amends.” So, I will not say I have acted like a doormat. For some reason, I just keep bringing him into and letting him back into my life.

    He just, for whatever reason, either because he will not or cannot (because of the “old” relationship) get his shit together and stop acting foolishly by not treating me properly and following through on his “promises.” I don’t know that I will ever really know what his deal is. But, I do not think he is purposely leading me on or being malicious. Maybe some day when he finally clears his head, he will think back on this and realize it was not I who was the one causing the drama in our relationship. I think a part of him sort of recognizes this now, but again, he either is unwilling or unable to stop.

    Yesterday was my birthday and I will say it was probably the worst one ever!

    #354385 Reply
    diane

    Kat – sorry you had a bad birthday yesterday… Once you let go, you will feel better soon….

    It really comes down to they are not ready for a relationship…. yes, he likes you, but he also likes his newly reclaimed freedom, he also likes the opportunity to get to know (and sleep with) 100 different women….Only time can change his mentality….

    The guy I was trying to date for the last 6 months is a SVP at a biotech firm… I am a finance director at pharmaceutical company… We are 12 years apart… I am divorced for 2 years, and he is just going thru divorce…

    He told me all the time that he likes me, that I am the only one that he is seeing, that I am the only one that got beyond 1 date….Which gave me lots of hope even though he rarely initiates anything…

    Then last week, he told me he met another woman, slept with her, but had no plan with her at all… That is a wake up call for me, and I realized that he is just not ready….

    Move on……

    #354387 Reply
    Sherri

    I know a guy who is just recently separated. I made it very clear to him right at the beginning that I did not want to date him even though time and again he asked me if we could date. Now we have become friends and meet and hang out sometimes. And no they are not dates. He tells me about all the women he dates and I can see his track record where he is actually dating them, hooking up with them and then breaking up with them as he did not feel a connection. He says he’s looking for companionship but I think he’s just looking for validation but not ready for a relationship though he thinks he is at a place. I even mentioned to him that probably he is not emotionally ready to date yet and he said no he is. Also his wife wants him back but he doesn’t want to get back with her so I can totally see how that is pulling him on both sides. I find this very common with recently divorced guys.

    #354404 Reply
    Ann

    Just yesterday I met a recently separated man, and he says he would like to date me. I told him it would be a disaster…. and he swears he is ready. UGH. There is NO way he is ready.

    I see how it takes time to work through the process of grief when a relationship ends. He is craving validation, intimacy, everything…. He looks like a deer caught in the headlights, even though he was the one that initiated the marriage’s end.

    Yeah…. @Sherri, I am observing the same thing as you are. I would never date him, I’m not sure if I would years from now. It would be a safe friendship with me, and also a science experiment, to be able to watch him go through the whole process.

    #354408 Reply
    Sherri

    This guy is like a duplicate of me with regards to his hobbies etc. (my male twin so to speak). And yes, I offered him safe platonic friendship but told him that I did not want to date him. The reason I gave him however is that in Canada you cannot file for divorce till one year of separation and I told him that I would not want to date a guy who has not finished one year of separation because of this so his feelings/ego was not hurt :)

    #354417 Reply
    Ann

    That is a kind, compassionate way to handle that Sherri.

    #354546 Reply
    Terry

    Hi Kat,

    I hope you don’t mind a man’s perspective, but your posts caught my interest because I’m presently going through something very similar to your situation with a woman I’ve been seeing for about 4 months as well.

    The main differences between our two situations are that: 1). Your friend is fairly fresh from a long-term relationship, whereas my lady friend left her abusive marriage over four years ago. And 2). My lady friend calls me about as much as I call her. I’d call her more often, but she has a very demanding job and our agreement is that, when she has the time, she’ll call me and then I can call back.

    But, many of your experiences certainly ring a bell with me. My friend and I started as just a hook up, a one-night stand, which then gradually morphed into something a little more serious. In fact, after about 3 weeks,, it was her, not me, who texted me the following: “I think I’m falling in love with you”; “I have such strong feelings for you”; and “Your eyes melt me”. She now admits that she said those things prematurely and confused infatuation for love, but the fact remains that, once she said those things to me, I started having deeper feelings for her.

    The irony is, as I started pursuing her more, she started pulling away. Like your guy, she tells me she can’t be in a relationship with me now, or anybody for that matter. I attribute this to the fact that she has never really resolved her feelings about her 22-year marriage. As I said above, her ex was physically and verbally abusive to her, so she seems to associate allowing herself to feel anything for a guy with eventually getting hurt. She said that when she first started having feelings for me–which, if I take her at her word, I’m the first she’s had feelings for since her ex–it scared her, which is why she started to withdraw.

    The problem is, like your friend, she has maintained just enough contact with me to keep me hooked emotionally, but yet won’t allow the relationship to move to the next, logical level. On one hand, she refuses to refer to us as each other’s BF/GF, or as a couple; while on the other hand, she says I’m the only guy whe’s been intimate with since she and I first met. We talk and text every day–sometimes at her impetus, sometimes at mine–yet we’re not a couple. She’s even gone so far as to encourage me to date other women, because, in her opinion, “She can’t give me what I want/need”. When she does this, it infuriates and depresses me and confuses me. I mean 3 months ago, she thought she loved me & now, she wants me to have sex with other women. Yet, she still wants to be FWB’s?

    The reason I’m laying all this out for you, and the other readers on this site, is two-fold: 1. To show that what you’re going through is not restricted to one gender or the other; women with unresolved issues can be every bit as frustrating and distressing as men. Ans 2. To provide each other with mutual support, as it seems we’re dealing with the male & female equivalents of the same person.

    Any thoughts you, or any of the other ladies on here, care to offer on my situation would be greatly appreciated.

    I hope things work out for you.

    #354549 Reply
    Terry

    Kat,

    One more question for you. Does your friend hesitate to commit to specific times when you ask if he wants to get together. My friend always answers with “I’ll let you know”, or “We’ll see”, which I feel is inconsiderate of my time. Then, later the same day, or the next day, when the impulse strikes her, she’ll invite me over and expect me to drop whatever I’ve got planned to meet her at the last minute. And, me, being the sucker I am, do just that. She even said last week that she knows she has me “over a barrel” and that she toys with me like that simply because “she can”. Yet, she is not a cruel person at all. Direct and blunt at times, yes. But not mean-spirited.

    #354550 Reply
    Harley

    Hi Terry.. life sucks when the people we want/love dont’d do it back ! I would pull back.. don’t be sooo available to her. .. she will either get her act together OR.. you will not be so hurt over the next few weeks and start to move on.

    I can tell from your writing you are a very nice man and she is missing out on a good thing.

    #354555 Reply
    Terry

    Thanks Harley. Appreciate your comment. The weird things is, Dee, my “friend”, acknowledges the exact same thing. She says she thinks I’m handsome, smart, a “great guy”, in her own words. But, at the same time, she admits she’s unable tio let a guy get close to her, emotionally. I’ve never been in such a tumultuous relationship as this, and I’ve been in quite a few. It’s been an emotional roller-coaster, with fluctuations on an hour-by-hour basis. Some days she’ll call me 3 or 4 times, then the next, she’ll act like she doesn’t care either way if we connect or not.

    #354557 Reply
    Harley

    Hi Terry.. start reading A LOT of the threads here. When she rings.. tell her politely you are busy( be GENUINELY BUSY.. groceries, whatever) but OFFER an alternative plan. DO NOT drop everything.. she will son learn to treat you better.

    TBH.. it sounds like you are getting used as a doormat. My ex.. the love of my life did this.. I cut him loose. I miss him like hell but I KNOW I deserve better. I went out the past weekend, slept with an old mate who treated me like a princess… AND IT FELT GREAT.

    Sometimes.. you get sooo used to being treated bad….. you put up with it…. and forget WHAT good treatment is.

    ONE has to be BRAVE enough to cut them loose if not treating you right.. if SHE really wants you … she will come back…. WITH more effort put into you !

    My ex is already trying to worm his way back in.. with NO effort, and IT’S NOT working.. I’ve had enough.

    #354558 Reply
    Harley

    Sorry love…. she’s USING YOU …………… as soon as “the right guy” comes along, you’ll be dumped soooo fast, your head will spin.

    People HAVE TO DECIDE. She can’t have it ALL.. yet GIVE you nothing. It’s NOT fair. You can stick around, HOPING she will committ.. but I don’t think she will.

    IF… you back off…. she just MAY miss you.

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