Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Still not over my Ex
- This topic has 8 replies and was last updated 3 years, 1 month ago by
Sandria.
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Sandria
(Sigh) It’s been long due and I am finally putting or rather trying to put everything in words. The last relationship that I had was with my ex- boyfriend and we were together for seven years (on and off) You could call us childhood sweethearts. We were steady for the first five years of our relationship with not many problems. But during the last two years, something about him changed. He started flirting with others and I thought that it was all just fun so I didn’t tell him anything. Soon I started hearing rumors that he had confessed his feelings for other girls (in plural). I brushed all that aside and decided to trust in him and our relationship. But when I tried talking to him about it, he told me that if I loved him then I would trust him. Soon I started getting insecure and worried out US. This continued for some time and I hated the person I had turned into. One day, his best friend told me that she was in love with him and that she had always been in love with him. I didn’t react in any way and I found out that she had confessed to him too. That day on the way back home, we spoke like anything was wrong and not able to hold it back longer I told him everything that his best friend had told me. I asked him what he would do now and he asked me if I loved him. I did love him, I loved him so much but I said nothing at that moment. We walked home in silence and soon he had started dating his best friend.
I was heartbroken because maybe if I had told him that I loved him at that point, we would have not broken up but I was also heartbroken that he moved on so quickly, like the 7 years that we spent together meant nothing at all. It’s been two years since we broke up now, and my heart still skips a beat when he texts me for my birthday. I have been single this whole time while he has dated 3-4 girls in 2 years. For a while I tried to have no contact with him since I wanted to move on. But gradually we started texting each other. And now I am afraid that I have fallen for him again. He texts me and waits for my reply. He posts stuff that are indirectly related to us. He does stuff to get a reaction from me. He sends me pictures of his baby sister who I adore. I am confused. Does he like me? Do I want to go back to him?
I am sure that I won’t make the same mistakes that I made in the past with him but will I be able to trust him again.
Ivona
Dear Sandria, I’m so sorry that is happening to you. It’s hard to give you a good advice. Everyone will tell you that you deserve someone who will treat you better, but I know how it is when you love someone. I say you should just wait a little bit longer. Maybe he wasn’t ready to completely commit, he still wanted to experience life. But he for sure has feelings for you, it’s obvious. If he keeps messaging you and “coming” back, it means he can’t let go off you. It’s hard to hear it, but maybe he does see you as a friend only. Time will show you. Just be patient. Maybe start going out with someone, just to show him you can be without him!! Maybe he realizes some things then. I’m praying for you that everything will work out.
Raven
It’s time for you to move on…
ps: Playing jealousy games will come back to bite you.
Lane
I’m going to give it to you straight; he will always step out, step in, step out until he finally meets the woman he wants to stay in with.
He is lonely right now, probably doesn’t have someone to cuddle up with at the moment and why he’s reaching out because he knows you still love him, knows he can come in and out and you will be waiting there with open arms. Men only do this to woman they don’t respect. Did you hear that? He doesn’t respect you because a man who truly loves and respects a woman would never treat her the way this man has treated you.
There’s an old saying “A leopard doesn’t change its spots.” What does that mean? It means he is who he is. He is not a monogamous guy which is OK because its a PERSONAL CHOICE to be monogamous or not, some can, some can’t—he falls into the can’t group. If you want to associate yourself with a cheater who will drop you when he comes across another gal that strikes his fancy, that’s your choice too.
He’s not going to change but its whether you are capable of changing your co-dependent behaviors is the question you should be asking, of yourself, as its the root of your relationship problems.
Elvira
It sounds to me like your both very young and have been in each others lives for a long time. 7 years is a long time and breaking that “pattern” is very difficult. What I do gather from your post is you seem to be extremely non-communicative. You stated several times you stayed quiet on several occasions when in fact you did feel a certain way and should have expressed those emotions. Still being in limbo 2 years later tells me you have a lot of inner conflict and you yourself do not know what you want. Him still being partially in your life will affect you moving on but after 2 years you should have some clarity as to how you want to be treated and what your willing to accept. I have no judgements on relationships that have started early in life and at one point one person feels the need to venture out. It is human nature to want change especially as you get older. You say you don’t know why the breakup happen yet you were on/off for the 5 years…so what were you accepting in this relationship? Why didn’t you speak to him about what you were feeling during all that time? I suggest seeking counseling for yourself to assess why is it you are willing to accept certain behavior and are intimidated to saying something. Don’t worry about his behavior and reaching out to you or your friends. Tell yourself you are not accepting this behavior, you need to gain confidence and strength to realize how you deserve to be treated. If he really really wants to be with you he will go above and beyond to win you, so until then take his communication like a grain of salt. You are the prize and if this relationship is meant to flourish again it should be on his efforts to re-gain your love and your efforts on loving yourself!
Sandria
Thank you for all the responses. I do understand a little better now. I have to work on myself first. Just one another question… He has asked me to talk to him next week when we meet at a mutual friend’s function. He tells me that he wants to sort out stuff. What do you think he means? If he talks about our past should I tell him everything that I had felt previously? Do you think I will be able to resolve my feelings once I tell him everything? Or is it a bad choice? Should I just avoid the conversation and try not to open past wounds?
Newbie
Do you want to talk it out? You posted the same story here a lot, so something must have triggered that, but its not clear how this really ended two years ago.
What i can sort of deduct is that he stopped caring about the relationship and you became nasty and insecure. So to me that says: game over.
I think if you want to learn from what happened and grow as a person, it could be good to talk about it. But you need some emotional distance to do that. You need to be over it.
Your posts suggests you are not. Which is a problem by itself. If youre still hung up on a relationship that ended 2 years ago and you cant really move on, you have to look inside you to find out what is keeping you. Because its not healthy from a living your life the best you can perspective. So take careSteph
I’m not trying to sound harsh here but if he dated you for that long and never put a ring on it, I doubt he ever intended to. Men KNOW when they’ve found the woman they want to marry and they don’t waste time making that known. Sure some situations are different, but 7 years is a very long time to be with someone without him asking him to marry you.
Sandria
We were is high school when we started dating.
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