Stagnant relationship

Future talk = fake future talk in the early stages. Its a real thing of a sing a guy is not ready

Let’s count the red flags:
1. Separated, not divorced
2. Too quick to commit, future faker (talking about kids after 2 months?)
3. Sees you only once a week after 2 months of dating
4. Talks about his ex a lot, says he has no closure (so he admits he’s not over her)

Why are you seeing this guy? He has too many issues. He can’t give you a relationship. Surely you can see that?

Two thumbs down.

He will 99% chance suddenly realize he can’t do this within the next 90 days, and I give it sooner rather than later in that period. He will get distant or just go silent and then tell you this went too fast and he’s sorry, he isn’t ready. Or he will just straight up ghost you.

Liz Lemon did a great job of listing out all the red flags. Don’t walk away, RUN like hell. You’re going to get hurt. He’s using you as wallpaper over a broken heart. That never works for long.

What if you’re the first person after a divorce but the guy was single for five years? Are those odds bad too? Asking for a friend…

Vera,

Let me tell you from a recent personal experience that is almost identical to your story that you should not get attached or maybe even continue seeing this guy if you know you’re bound to get attached.

I was literally in the same exact situation (wrote a forum about it and everything) with a guy I had started dating that was recently divorced (1 year and some change). We went out on a good number of dates, were super comfortable with one another, had a good amount of things in common, genuinely had a good time but I just had this feeling he wasn’t over his ex (brought her up quite frequently). Well, long story short, we continued to date and I continued to see 1) just how bitter he was about their break up 2) how emotionally unavailable he was and 3) how immature he turned out to be when I tried to have an adult conversation with him about where he saw this going. To summarize, I wish I had ended it sooner than I did (lasted almost a total of 2 months) because even though I realized this wasn’t the guy for me, it was still hard to let go and I genuinely felt sad that there was just no way it would ever work out. The funniest part is that we weren’t even that compatible, but I just still had to see how things would end. I will end with a cheesy quote and say “letting go is hard, but sometimes not as hard as holding on”.

Good luck! Keep us updated on what you decided

Thank you all, super helpful. You are all great .
Thank you for the clarity

Hi Newbie ,
Yeah good question . I am not one to ignore such strong valid opinions . I’ve taken some steps to distance myself from the situation.
I am heading in the direction of ending things . I am going to give it at least another week or so to make a final decision .

Update :
I decided to wait it out a bit more .
Things didn’t really get better . I found out he hadn’t actually had plans to file for divorce like he told me . I realized he had lied about that many times . When he saw me back off he started trying to keep me stay with more big empty promises.
This weekend we had plans to meet up and I thought we were meeting for Valentine’s Day (since he had mentioned a few times that he would love to celebrate with me ). He thought we were meeting the day before . When I asked why not Valentine’s Day he said his (ex) wife was going over to “discuss the papers”. Yeah right . That was the moment I was done . I ended things with him shortly after.

Hi everyone ,

One month after I ended things , he reached out to me .
He told me they filed for divorce . He said he wants to be with me and he misses me etc .

I do still like him , but I thought this was just nostalgia and I was on my way to moving on. I hadn’t contacted him at all since we had broken up. We had only been going out for 2 months and still don’t know each other all that well.

I am not sure what to do. One part of me says / knows it’s probably not going to work . Another part of me says , what if things will be different . Mind you the divorce is not official for another few months and I know how emotional men can get around this time . I know they need to be fully healed before moving on.

Is there any way this could work ?

Thanks

Vera, tell him to take some time to be single and reach back out in six months (or something like that) if he’s still interested. Don’t wait for that or expect anything, just try to meet other people. If you’re still single then, it’s probably still too early for him, but you’ll have a better chance of figuring that out than now. If he didn’t initiate the divorce and she left him, he’s not ready to jump into something else. No matter how much easier a replacement wife and new relationship seems and bandaids it for him. You’re not going to get what you want out of it.

Sammy shared a lot of good stuff, some of which I experienced as well. I once dated a separated man briefly, because he didn’t immediately disclose to me that he was separated 🙄 He tried to immediately wife me, and didn’t want to take no for an answer when I wasn’t interested after he finally told me about that whole situation. It was really bad, if I didn’t answer his texts he’d have conversations with himself at me that made it clear how obliviously unavailable he was… and how much he wanted an ego boost. I don’t know the details of the divorce in your situation, how long the marriage was, etc. but don’t discount that it takes time for people to recover from the failure of the marriage even if they are actually over the ex. Moreso if they weren’t expecting the end or didn’t want it. Plus, at least in my case, it was obvious his last relationship didn’t work out because he had a lot of unaddressed issues that I’m pretty sure he still didn’t realize existed long before the marriage… so he wasn’t going to be ready for a new relationship until he both came to terms with his divorce AND addressed his prior baggage from long before. (He had just started therapy at least.) I don’t think that’s uncommon, especially among the men trying to date “seriously” too soon to feel better instead of taking some time alone.

Give him time to work out his issues. If it’s meant to work out, it’ll line up later. If not, you’ll probably meet someone else good before he’d have been really ready or available anyway.

vera as raven pointed out, hes still married. i had met a guy abt 5 years back. when we met he told me he was divorced. but i found out from him only actually that he was not yet divorced but undergoing a divorce. i tried to cut off but he said its just a matter of time. and he was right. he did divorce as he suggested. but post that he suddnly withdrew and told me hes sorry but after the divorce he just feels not ready to commit to a relationship much less any other commitment. and that was that. he still keeps in touch with me and we are just friends. my advice is despite he being in the midst of a divorce, trust me, once he gets a divorce, he would be in no mind space to get into another commitment so soon. let this one go.

yes I also dated someone who was separated and going through divorce. I went away for 2 weeks and he stopped texting me and then told me his wife wants him back and they will try and fight for this marriage. Turned out it was all bullsh*t , he just didn’t want to date me anymore but at least he was nice enough to meet up and tell me this face to face when I came back from my holiday.
But yes the point is, don’t date separated men