Stagnant relationship


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This topic contains 17 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Emily 2 weeks, 5 days ago.

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  • #838755 Reply

    Vera

    Hi all,
    I need some objective advice .
    I met a separated man about 2 months ago. Can divorce in a week and he is saying he is over his ex and the divorce will go through.
    He was rather quick to commit to me exclusively , took down his online profiles etc. Eventually I did the same .

    We meet only once a week. He lives about 30 mins away and I know this distance is a non issue yet he only sees me once a week.
    He talks about his ex a lot but he says he’s trying to be transparent with me . She left him. Based on what he tells me he seems to think he has had no closure . Apparently they are to meet within the next week to discuss some terms .

    He says he hasnt seen her in 4 months .
    I did mention to him something seems to be holding him back.
    The issue I have is he’s doing a lot of future talk with me – even talking about living together later , or wanting kids , parenting styles etc . It does not coincide with the pace of the relationship. Communication in between dates is so so , almost daily texting every night .

    I’m super cautious here and definitely not one to “fall”.
    Recently he told me he doesn’t want the ex to find out about me for fear she will ask him for alimony out of vengeance.
    My guard is now way up.

    Any advice on how to proceed ? I am at a point where I do need more from him. I am beginning to have more and more doubts .

    Thanks

    #838758 Reply

    Newbie

    No i strongly urge you not to fall for this guy. You are a rebound, and thats probably not a conscious choice on his part but you are. He is so not over his ex. And you describe many flags of that. I think the best you can do is stop. Look at this rationally. You are in a healty place to date and commit and not keep guys a secret, so you want the same. At least the change to find it. Im sure if you have a talk about what you want he will agree he is not ready. I hope you can avoid wasting a lot of time on this guy and break it off now

    #838759 Reply

    Newbie

    Future talk = fake future talk in the early stages. Its a real thing of a sing a guy is not ready

    #838760 Reply

    Vera

    Thanks for your reply Newbie.
    Yeah I thought as much
    I did bring it up and he insists he is just cautious and wants to make sure it’s real and doesn’t want to rush things given that his marriage just ended .
    But yeah, the future talk was honestly overwhelming and not in line with actions …

    #838762 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Let’s count the red flags:
    1. Separated, not divorced
    2. Too quick to commit, future faker (talking about kids after 2 months?)
    3. Sees you only once a week after 2 months of dating
    4. Talks about his ex a lot, says he has no closure (so he admits he’s not over her)

    Why are you seeing this guy? He has too many issues. He can’t give you a relationship. Surely you can see that?

    #838763 Reply

    Newbie

    He wont keep up anyway so thats a bitter blessing if youre not ready to let go yet. No, its not good and i wouldnt blame him. He tries to find new foooting but that doesnt happen so fast

    #838772 Reply

    AngieBaby

    Two thumbs down.

    He will 99% chance suddenly realize he can’t do this within the next 90 days, and I give it sooner rather than later in that period. He will get distant or just go silent and then tell you this went too fast and he’s sorry, he isn’t ready. Or he will just straight up ghost you.

    Liz Lemon did a great job of listing out all the red flags. Don’t walk away, RUN like hell. You’re going to get hurt. He’s using you as wallpaper over a broken heart. That never works for long.

    #838773 Reply

    AngieBaby

    If you want to avoid this entire situation, just make it a rule you only date men who are single and fully legally divorced and at least a year past the break-up of their last relationship if it was a long one. And if they spend too much time talking about the ex or clearly say they aren’t past it or don’t have closure, you end it right there.

    Women tend to want to fix these guys, and they just get used and dumped once he gets emotionally healthier.

    And NEVER be the first one he dates after the end of a marriage or long relationship! The odds of that working are really, really sucky.

    #838808 Reply

    Anon Person

    What if you’re the first person after a divorce but the guy was single for five years? Are those odds bad too? Asking for a friend…

    #838891 Reply

    Elvi

    I agree that a separated man not officially divorced is not a good option unless you are looking to play the field and not get attached. In this case it appears you like this guy and like others said he is not available emotionally or legally.
    I would say to him “call me when you are officially divorced and have enjoyed your single life for awhile and if I am single or still interested we can talk then”.

    #838921 Reply

    Audrey

    Vera,

    Let me tell you from a recent personal experience that is almost identical to your story that you should not get attached or maybe even continue seeing this guy if you know you’re bound to get attached.

    I was literally in the same exact situation (wrote a forum about it and everything) with a guy I had started dating that was recently divorced (1 year and some change). We went out on a good number of dates, were super comfortable with one another, had a good amount of things in common, genuinely had a good time but I just had this feeling he wasn’t over his ex (brought her up quite frequently). Well, long story short, we continued to date and I continued to see 1) just how bitter he was about their break up 2) how emotionally unavailable he was and 3) how immature he turned out to be when I tried to have an adult conversation with him about where he saw this going. To summarize, I wish I had ended it sooner than I did (lasted almost a total of 2 months) because even though I realized this wasn’t the guy for me, it was still hard to let go and I genuinely felt sad that there was just no way it would ever work out. The funniest part is that we weren’t even that compatible, but I just still had to see how things would end. I will end with a cheesy quote and say “letting go is hard, but sometimes not as hard as holding on”.

    Good luck! Keep us updated on what you decided

    #838922 Reply

    Peggy

    To answer Anon”s question about divorced and single for 5 years/. I think a guy that waited that long to date has got over his ex, worked on himself etc. and is finally ready to go for a relationship again, in general. Unless he says he is just looking for casual or sex,t his could be fine. I am with a guy that did not date for nearly a dozen years… he raised his kids etc. and then was ready for love again.

    #839124 Reply

    Vera

    Thank you all, super helpful. You are all great .
    Thank you for the clarity

    #839132 Reply

    Newbie

    Vera, just for my own curiousity, so dont feel obliged to answer but i hope you will. A lot of women here do the opposite of what is adviced. And 80% minimum of the advice is to walk away (with good reason). You recognized you were most likely in muddy waters confirmed with most, so what did you do? Have you taken steps to untangle yourself or do you feel the general rule doesnt apply to you so you decided to give it more time?

    #839316 Reply

    Vera

    Hi Newbie ,
    Yeah good question . I am not one to ignore such strong valid opinions . I’ve taken some steps to distance myself from the situation.
    I am heading in the direction of ending things . I am going to give it at least another week or so to make a final decision .

    #839821 Reply

    Sammy

    Vera, I’m with the other posters.
    Be very careful as don’t think this will be your guy.
    Here’s my experience of Dating a guy who was separated and going through a divorce. We had a 5 year ago gap, myself older and clear from start I was looking for meaningful and marriage some days. It was semi long distance too so I was hesitant about dating anyway for those reasons and he convinced me to give it a try. I was so into him and clicked with him and he said feeling was mutual – said we had 7 out 7 things he seeks in a partner and had only 2 with his ex wife (he got married young, semi arranged). He kinda future faked me to meet him for a trip for us to spend time together. Said things like
    – Reassurance when I have doubts about meeting him with his solid plans
    – I want my divorce to progress urgently
    – I have legal baggage only (not emotional; ready for something)
    – I am a long term relationship kind of guy
    – My intentions are good
    – I want to be in a serious relationship now
    – Once I’m in a serious relationship I will fast track my move to the UK, I just want to complete a year in my job this Sept
    – Come to visit me after our trip
    – Even if I don’t have a job lined up in the UK, i’d move anyway as my personal life is my biggest priority
    – Consistent texts and calls / effort for 3 months including ‘we’ talks of the future

    After the trip (no sex): overall words and actions did not match/ contradictions
    – Pulling away on the trip
    – States when questioned ‘I do want to be in a serious relationship…. BUT I don’t know if I can’ WTF: BIG SURPRISE
    – I don’t want to hurt you (which means I know I will as perhaps the reality and mismatch of what I said and do will start from now)
    – I’m not coming back to the UK soon as it’s a bigger deal than I thought
    – I don’t know if I can develop deep feelings for you as I feel blunted/ maybe depressed
    – I am confused
    – Last year a girl I dated finished with me when this sort of thing happened – I avoided sex with her and had issues keeping it up for her and other women -seems ok with you 🤨
    – I am emotionally unavailable
    – I have emotional baggage
    – You’re such a catch. If I can’t make it work with you, not sure who I can
    – You should keep dating and if it gets serious with someone, then we should stop chatting (!) (he wants us to be each other’s options not priority)
    – I’ll feel upset if you stop texting me or get a boyfriend (but I can’t step up)

    Fair to say: it ended.

    Here are some of my lessons – not saying this applies to all divorcing men but a fair few

    LESSONS
    – Stick with; don’t date a guy who isn’t divorced or had some time to heal after the end of a significant relationship/ engagement (ideally a year from the break up) with therapy
    – Never trust a man fully as you just can’t but don’t be overly suspicious of a guy who has actions and words that match
    – Don’t trust a guy who isn’t honest about his relationship status from the start
    – Question a guy making big promises with supplementary questions and keep it playful but focused
    – If he skips a question, come back to it so you know the answer
    – Say what you want early on and check you’re on the same page and check in at intervals gently about intentions
    – Let him know what’s going well; show appreciation and encourage the connection
    – If he pisses you off; observe and say so politely and establish boundaries.

    – If words and actions don’t match a couple of times; let him know and end it if he pulls away after intimacy
    – If he deviates from big promises, call him out and step back and let him prove himself to be worthy and if not, walk away
    – Keep actively dating other guys until exclusive
    – I’ve been feeling confused about where things stand with us. I have feelings for you and want to deepen our relationship. It’s important to me to know how you feel. I hope we can move forward together.'”
    – If he isn’t committing to exclusivity by 2 – 3 months of regular dating, end it
    – Date local men

    #842895 Reply

    Vera

    Update :
    I decided to wait it out a bit more .
    Things didn’t really get better . I found out he hadn’t actually had plans to file for divorce like he told me . I realized he had lied about that many times . When he saw me back off he started trying to keep me stay with more big empty promises.
    This weekend we had plans to meet up and I thought we were meeting for Valentine’s Day (since he had mentioned a few times that he would love to celebrate with me ). He thought we were meeting the day before . When I asked why not Valentine’s Day he said his (ex) wife was going over to “discuss the papers”. Yeah right . That was the moment I was done . I ended things with him shortly after.

    #843140 Reply

    Emily

    Good for you. In the future, only date men whose divorce is final. If he’s “separated,” he’s not available.

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