This topic contains 2 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by redcurleysue 2 weeks, 6 days ago.
January 26, 2020 at 12:19 am #783712
Three years ago I started dating my good friends younger brother. He is 8 years younger then me, but age wasn’t an issue. We had a lot in common and enjoyed the same things. He had just moved back to his hometown a year prior to try and save his failing marriage, but it didn’t work out. His ex wouldn’t stop cheating and eventually left him. Since I was friends with his sister and his whole family I had hung out with him on occasions. Valentines 2017 he secretly sent me flowers, only I didn’t find out he sent them until weeks later when we were on a work trip. We ended up hanging out talking and hooked up. Initially I was confused and worried that it was a huge mistake. We started hanging out, dinners, going to the casino, talking all the time on the phone, etc and after 7 months finally made things official that we were an item. We had been inseparable, we spent ever evening together and now he was staying at my place every night. He was so attentive and everything seemed perfect. We loved each other like crazy and got along so well. In the summer 2018 his divorce was initiated and we moved into a place together that August. We were happy and always together. He took me on his families trip to see his grandparents in Idaho and things didn’t seem like they were slowing down. We’d been talking about the future and making plans. In March of 2019 I started to look for a new job and by April we both left our jobs where we worked together to find something in the plans of moving to a new city about an hour away (both his siblings and their families lived in the town we were moving to and everyone seemed excited). Just after leaving our jobs he proposed and it was the happiest thing ever. To this point I never questioned how he felt and I trusted him completely. We did have a conversation one night about how I was upset his divorce still wasn’t final and how it made me sad when he’d ask how I want to plan for ya to get married. I told him it hurt because I felt like I couldn’t start planning yet, but even with that I loved him and trusted he loved me the same. We were now working different schedules, so we weren’t able to spend our days off together and things were a little stressful but we were still planning the move and everything seemed on track. By August we were signing a lease for an apartment and moving. He was waiting for an opening to transfer his job, so for the time being he was going to be driving back and forth. Only after we moved did things seem off. He seemed distant and started running late sometimes and was moody. I thought it was just the stress of the move and work. Every time I asked about things he said we were on and that I wasn’t losing him. He told me and his family he had a work trip over Labor Day weekend and it seemed odd, but again there was no reason not to trust him and his family didn’t seem to think it was odd. The night he was to return he hadn’t called to say his plan landed and it was getting later and later. His mom was texting wondering if I’d heard from him and I was concerned. Finally I realized I could check his find my phone. When I did he was no where near the town his plane was to be and he was just an hour or so from our apartment, but headed to our old town which was completely out of the way. I could get him to answer is texts or calls. Then he stopped at a place in a little town south of where we use to live, it was someone home. About 10 minutes late he text he was fine and hadn’t got any calls or texts. He finally made it home over an hour later. I didn’t out right ask about his where about but certainly had questions running through my head. That night we had sex and it was different, as a matter of fact from that point forward anytime we had sex it was different. He didn’t act the way he use to, he didn’t look in my eyes with love, and it was like he wasn’t enjoying it. I kept asking him if things were ok, but questioned more and more because he started being late and then wanted to stay at his parents claim his work scheduled him early or he had excuses on his days off that were actually the same as mine that he was going to cover at work or something. i would check the find my phone and that home from before kept popping up and there were a few nights he even stayed there. One night I begged him to come home and he claimed he was staying at his parents for work, but he actually went to that home and then drove all the way to the town we now lived but went to a bar that we always went to and then went back to that home. He wasn’t answering my texts or calls and when he did made excuses that he’s fallen asleep or that he was tired. Finally mid-September he lied about helping someone following them to drive a trailer to this town over 6 hours away and would just be gone the night. I begged him to stay. I told him we needed to spend time together and that I missed him. He left. I then found he was no a city a couple hours away where we always went on weekend trip when we were dating. He was at a bar that our friend owned. So I decided to confront him, I drove there and he was there with another girl. I introduced my self to her and said I was his fiancé after taking off my ring and putting it in the table. He pulled me aside and the girl walked out. He claimed he was sorry and that he didn’t know what he did it and that they hadn’t had sex, but of course they had and I told him I wasn’t stupid and knew it was all lies. I confronted him about the times he lied about being at his parents or working late. The look of surprise that I knew where he’d been was ridiculous. He said he still loved me and wanted to be with me and marry me. I was broken. He didn’t leave with me. He said he needed to go get his stuff from the hotel. He then text me and claimed he’d be getting a different room and didn’t think we needed to be together and could talk the next day. The next day he went to work, even though I begged him to come home and deal with us. He wouldn’t come home until after work and it was just more games then. He claimed they had only had sex twice and that he didn’t care about her and that he was sorry. He said we had been fighting a lot (we hadn’t) and that it was a mistake and he lived me and wanted to marry me. He claimed he wasn’t with her that night and that he stayed in another room. I was broken and hurt and wanted so badly to believe that he lived me so I stupidly bought the lies he was selling. I told him I could forgive him but that it would take time and that he had to work on us. He promised. For the next few weeks things were as if someone had died, I was sad and hurt all the time and had so many questions. He would get mad when I’d ask a question even though he had said I didn’t have to sweep it under the rug. He forgot my birthday and then got mad and acted like I had no right to be hurt when I was upset about it. On a night at his parents I had a complete meltdown and broke down crying telling his mom everything and just wondering if maybe he had done this same thing to his ex maybe the stories that his ex cheated wasn’t the whole story. His mom was shocked and sad but said that his ex had been the one and she couldn’t believe that her son would do this after his ex did this to him. We spent a little over a month going through the motions and trying to work in things, but he wasn’t putting in any real effort. At the end of Oct he came home late and I got upset and after telling him how selfish he was he packed his things and left. A few days later we talked and he said he didn’t want to lose me and wanted to work on us. I agreed because again I stupidly wanted to believe he loved me. for the next month he would come stay some nights but there was still questioning about if he really wanted to be with me and I found he was still going to see her some times, not often, but he was. I was trying to hang on to someone that was already gone. So at Thanksgiving we planned to hang out the evening before but I end led you writing a letter to him and planned to tell him I couldn’t keep doing this. I then in a moment of trying to figure out how to move on signed up on a dating app. He found out (funny he had to be on it to see it) and was pissed. I confronted him about the continued lies and told him I deserved better and that I couldn’t keep doing this. Then late on Thanksgiving night before texted that he didn’t want to lose me and that he didn’t want to give up on us. He promised it would be different that he’d spend more time with me and that he’d work on us and that he’d talk to me about things. Again stupid me. We spent the next 2 weeks talking and he visited a few times. The first weekend in December we spent together and it was like old time. I thought maybe he really meant it that maybe he realized he was losing me. That Monday he talked about how he was thinking he should love back in if we were really going to move forward and work on things. Then Tuesday he texted that maybe he’s depressed and then that maybe it was us that was making him depressed. He wouldn’t respond to my text or calls and went MIA for 2 days. By Friday morning I woke up and check his location he was at her home. So I resigned back up on the dating app and was ready to be done. A few hours later he text he was sorry for being MIA and gave lies about how he’d been sleeping and something must be wrong because he just can’t get energy. I ignored him. Then a few hours later he said so your done. Curious I asked why he thought that. He said he saw me back on the app (again he would have to be on it). So I text him that yes I was done and yes I was on it and that I had woke up and realized that he didn’t care, he didn’t love me bad sue you don’t do that to people you love. I told him I woke up that morning and decided I had to move on. Later that night he match me on the dating app. Then tells me that we must be a good match and that maybe one day we can be again. And deleted the match. I text him that it wasn’t fair for him to say that. I loved him and he was the one that threw me away. I told him that I wished him happy but that I should get to be happy too. He then got pissed and started to argue. I told him I wasn’t fighting with him, he made his choice to cheat and lie and I was done fighting. Two weeks later he went on a holiday trip with her and her toddler and her parents. When he got back I went and picked up the key to our apartment and told him he needed to figure out his part of the apartment expense (since he’s on the lease too) and then left. That next day I tried to text him the info but he’d blocked my number, so I had to call him at work. At this point my eyes were really opening to his immaturity. Then Christmas morning at 2:30am he text me “you will forever be the one that got away”. When I saw it all I could think was what twisted game is he playing, what is wrong with him. I ended up finding out over the holiday he had been liking this girls photos all summer before we moved and more then like he’d started seeing her over the summer before we moved. I also discovered he blocked me on Facebook – this made me laugh because we weren’t even friends on Facebook (I had only got Facebook after he had moved out at end of October) and his privacy settings never allowed me to see his stuff, so what was the point. I had to contact him the Friday after Christmas to discuss the lease which I had told him was when I needed to know. I tried best to keep to business but he had no solutions and didn’t think it was his problem since he wasn’t living there (what an ass). He ended up driving away pissed off. I decided that it wasn’t worth trying anymore even though he should be helping with figuring out the apartment, he was not going to take accountability. A couple weeks after (just after New Year) he had unblocked me on Facebook (only know this because he showed up as someone I might know). We haven’t talked and I’ve been doing my best to move forward. I’ve deleted and I deleted and deleted the dating about. When it comes down to it I’m just not in the place to be trying to start a new relationship. I was engaged, I was in love, and I need to focus on me and the fallout of losing everything I trusted and believed in that turned into a lie. He had left clothes and items, tools all his suit jackets, his winter coats at the apartment. I thought he ask for them, but he hasn’t. So I’ve boxed them up and put them in the outside storage. I take things day by day, but it still hurts. It’s been just a little over a month since we officially broke up, but really it’s been 5 month of this long drawn out breakup. I’ve cried more then I’ve ever cried. Ive tried to hate him, but I can’t. my love was real and I can’t just turn it off even though I’ve been hurt. I never felt like this with anyone and never trusted anyone like I had trusted him. This whole thing has been so devastating. Friends have said I should just move on and that his new relationship won’t last. It’s even shocking that she kept seeing him even after knowing about me when I confronted them. Regardless of what lies he may have told her, the fake i was his fiancée and he was seeing her should tell her that he was lying to her too. But she doesn’t care. She’s as bad as him. And while she’s not my problem and he’s not my problem and while their relationship is not my problem, I find myself having a hard time getting over this loss. I don’t know what to think – was it all a lie – was my whole relationship a lie. Why was I so stupid? What do I do now?January 26, 2020 at 5:01 am #783715
Bee,I’m so very sorry for all that you’ve endured these last few months..You have your head on straight,but moving forward you should set positive goals everyday as this isn’t going to be an easy process..I do think that you shouldve ended it when you caught him with someone else..Never again in life allow someone to continously make a mockery of you & all you have to give..Still,You were not stupid my dear,he was & still is!..You went above & beyond for your relationship & for the love you have for him..I dont know if the entirety of the relationship was a lie,but when you guys decided to move an hr away he thought that he could get away with cheating..Seems he thought that he had it all figured out huh? ..Apparently G0D had mercy on you because everything hit the fan before you walked down the isle with this poor excuse of a fiancee..The only thing you can do now is LIVE Y0UR BEST LIFE & N0T BE ASS0CIATED WITH HIM!..Do not worry about having a Male companion right now you should self reflect!..Round up your best girlfriends & go on vacations,go to church,& be grateful that you found out about his cheating ways..Do not think that you weren’t good enough or that she has something that you dont..The both of them being trifling doesn’t have anything to do with your character..You may not be perfect,no one is,but you did your part in being a good woman..Why should you sorrow?..Afterall,hes the one who’s losing..January 27, 2020 at 12:02 pm #783761
You wanted to be loved. That is what we all want. Love has certain behaviors that show themselves over time. This guy did not show those behaviors and it is painful. But it is better to know now than 20 years down the road and a couple of kids. Just know you will love again and it will be better for you. That is in your future.