Should I text him and be honest?


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This topic contains 5 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  I_Diva 1 month, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #901854 Reply

    Emma

    Hello everyone! I‘d like to ask for advice about following:

    I’m 26, German, and I moved to Greece for studies a few weeks ago. Before moving there, I met a very nice French guy on social media, who is also in Greece for work. We were talking a few months before I arrived in Greece, and I expected it to turn into a really good friendship, but not more than that. He asked me out 5 times before I finally agreed on a date (I really wasn‘t interested), but when we met, he immediately catched me and my view on him changed entirely. We passed a few really nice dates, before things began to get weird.

    Our first 3 dates were absolutely perfect, 7-8 hours long, each. We had so much to talk about. On date 4 then (which was a daytrip and pretty nice) he told me at the end that he is not sure if he should see me again. I was totally shocked, and asked him why. He said because he isn‘t sure he can keep his feelings this way, and in case he starts feeling more, it will create a lot of pain when one of us leaves Greece and we will go long distance, and he doesn‘t want this pain. This was followed by a 2 hour long conversation in the car in front of my house, with the result that we continue dating, but he might want to turn this into a friendship, in case his feelings for me start getting stronger.

    Date 5 was perfect again, but date 6: we went bowling with another couple, and he behaved quite distant the whole evening, so after we went home, I asked him what‘s happened, but he didn‘t answer. 2 days later he texted me, asking to meet as he wanted to talk. He took me to a restaurant for dinner, and the whole evening he told me reasons why we don‘t fit together, but one reason was more stupid than the other. Reasons like „You like the beach, I like mountains“, or „you are top-level, and I’m just a standard guy“. He said he was thinking the entire day about this, and he thinks we don‘t fit together, and he actually came to friendzone me, but now that I‘m sitting in front of him „with my cute face“, he can‘t friendzone me. At the end he paid for the dinner and drove me home. In the car he said „No kiss when we arrive at your apartment, you can‘t have everything.“ And after a few seconds of silence he added “Though you can…how could I refuse you if you try something.” When we arrived, he kissed me goodbye and left. The next day I flew home for a month, and he also went back to France for vacation. We will both be back to Greece at end of August.

    Now, I guess I made a mistake. We met to talk, to make things clear, but I was so stressed and tired that day with university stuff and packing for the trip home the next day, that I was totally passive the entire evening. I also felt that a restaurant full of people isn‘t the right setting for such a serious conversation, so I decided to give shorts answers only and hide how I really feel. I should have told him how these stupid reasons hurt me, how his behaviour hurts me, and I should have told him that he should decide what he wants, instead of this rollercoaster kind of behaviour.

    He always told me that he doesn‘t like to text much, he prefers to talk in person. But we have 4 weeks left till we meet again in person, and I‘m really burning inside to make things clear and tell him how I feel. I don‘t want to continue this rollercoaster ride when we‘re back in Greece, so he should take his time and figure out what he wants. Should I send him a longer message, telling him all these things, or should I really wait these 4 weeks in silence?

    #901872 Reply

    tammy

    i feel you guys are over thinking and not going with the flow. and every time all you guys do is talk but then again nothing seems to be sorted. i don’t think you should send long text messages while your away or get in depth about feelings and emotions. besides you met pretty recently so please don’t get too serious too soon. take your time, know the man, meet casually and see how things go. when things happen too fast, they crash and burn way too soon. you don’t want that. its good in a way that you guys have this break. will give you both some time to think things with a clear head and space. so if i was in your place i would keep things friendly, light and flirty. in case things start turning too serious over chats, you can always say lets wait till we meet and figure how we feel.

    #901874 Reply

    Ewa

    Hi Emma,

    His reasons might seem stupid to you, but all he was trying to say that you are not a good match. I think he was ok with what I would call summer romance and knew nothing else would happen between you. I don’t know how you want to carry on seeing him when you finally return to your countries for good? France and Germany are not that far tbh.
    But to answer your question I think you should just see this as an adventure, I don’t think he hurt you per se, he was quite honest with you about his intentions and what he can or can’t give. You proceed with seeing him so he assumed you are ok with being in that friendzone. And I do believe his intentions weren’t to hurt you. So I would just stay silent , if in 4 weeks you feel like meeting him in person , do so, but I don’t think you should.

    #901884 Reply

    Zoe

    Dont let a man tell you twice that he do not want you.

    You move on, he will regret it later. If he doesnt then there is no point anyways

    #901953 Reply

    Maddie

    You’re not looking for the same things. He already decided that he can’t see your logistics working out in the long-term, and that he doesn’t really want to deal with it. I don’t think that has anything to do with you, he’s just being honest that he’s not looking for anything so serious at this point. He does have feelings for you, though, so he then tried to convince himself to only see the incompatibilities to double down on his decision to keep things as either casual or only friendship. He’s actually being a good guy in telling you this so early, before things go far and you are very attached and get more hurt, even though it wasn’t what you wanted to hear. But he has weak boundaries on follow through because he likes you well enough and, more importantly, he’s attracted to you and is hoping you’ll be okay with something more casual — this makes him seem more ambivalent than he actually is. But he doesn’t want a real relationship with you.

    And again, how much he likes you at this point is irrelevant as he simply doesn’t want to put the work in that he’d need to for a long-term relationship. You don’t want to be with a man who isn’t committed if you’re looking for a real relationship, and if you feel you need to win him over and change his mind, it’ll most likely come up yet again later on when you’re even more attached and backfire on you. I’ve had a lot of experiences like that, and I’ve learned you want to start something with a man who is ready and also wants it, not one throwing up obstacles or keeping distance instead of getting to fully know each other, because that second kind generally eventually ends in heartbreak.

    If you want to tell him how you feel just to get it off your chest with no expectations, that’s fine. But don’t do it in hopes of changing anything. Even if it did temporarily win him over (which, let’s be real, would end up with some hooking up before he stops things again), it doesn’t fix the problems, which are associated with distance, logistics, being young, and not looking for that type of commitment in spite of the the feelings are. I’d either go no contact to get over him (and if you really want to be just friends after you’re over him, you can cross that bridge when you come to it), or I might tell him how I felt knowing it won’t change anything (but so I didn’t later try to trick myself into thinking but what if I’d said something?) before going no contact.

    BTW, roller coaster behavior only keeps going if you accept it. So in the future, as soon as you feel you’re getting on a roller coaster, don’t tolerate it. It’s a huge red flag that something isn’t working, and walking away for real and for good is generally the best way to get off the roller coaster.

    #902687 Reply

    I_Diva

    Hi Emma

    I went through the same thing 31 female, told the guy 34 male and he friendzoned me.

    I did not reach out again. he did text one-two times, looked at my stories…but then stopped texting, still feeling bad…but I can’t let him treat me like a doormat.

    Guys reach out because they need validation, I don’t want to give that sense of moral boost …instead I am focussing on myself /trying to …to get going with my life.

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