Home › Forums › Texting Advice › Should I respond or not?
- This topic has 12 replies and was last updated 3 years, 6 months ago by
Franny.
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meh
I like this guy A LOT! We used to date casually, but he moved out of the country and we totally want different things (he wants to date more people and I find this exhausting) so I know we cannot be together. But I still like him. He does text me first (I rarely initiate). The problem is that, even though he texts first, it takes him forever to respond. And while I am waiting for a response I get obsessed and check if he is online and if he responded. For example, now he responded to a text after 4 days!!!
Now, I am wondering, should I respond (and wait for his next response) or just ignore (and think I did not try enough to get him)? A third option, maybe the best, is to stop texting and just call him (we used to speak a lot on the phone).
sgrl2494
This guy doesn’t seem interested/ invested in you. You acknowledged you both want different things & are in two seperate countries – don’t hope for the best and expect either to change anytime soon. You also haven’t specified if the texts from his end sound like he’s your friend or more. Stop texting him and move on.
meh
Thanks for the response sgrl2494!
His texts are romantic, like “I miss you”, “I want to see you soon”, and other cute abstract things. We also share some info about our daily lives, not much.
But, when we tried to schedule to travel to meet in person he backed off (with seemingly valid excuses).
Another red flag is that when I asked him what he wants, I did not get a concrete response either.He is definitely interested in me (I before told him that we are done and he did not take it and he kept communicating).
My suspicion is that he likes me a lot, but he is immature and afraid that he will get hurt, but then, if he is not willing to admit and invest in me, I do not know what to do.
Anon
It sounds like you want to see him or make plans and he wants to keep the relationship at a text/phone level. You are incompatible and should not only not respond to him, but stop all communication with him. His texts give you hope he wants more than just a texting/phone relationship.
Leyla
HI
Sorry to be blunt, but here is the thing. Your suspicions are very wrong, he likes you and all but he is not interested in you – two very different things.
– he lives elsewhere
– he said he doesn’t wanna date anyone so please listen
– he answers and checks in cause you’re a mate of his
– he does not answer for a while, because he does not want to
– he backed out of meeting you without rescheduling because he is not actually interested in seeing you in person
– miss you is not a romantic message unless he means it and acts on it. this way it is just him wanting to brush his ego by wanting you to say awww I miss you too. Then his ego fed and that’s it.Cut your losses and forget this guy until he actually does something that deserves this much of your attention.
mama
this is the lazy man’s version of breadcrumbing. He likes the attention from you, doesn’t want to do anything else, so he’ll text you occasionally this sort of lame stuff to keep you around when he’s bored. He’s not bored enough to make an effort, just texting here and there. He’s probably got a few other gals on his trail or breadcrumbs as well.
None of this bodes well for what you want — so just stop responding to him and move on with your life. You’ll be much happier. :)
Liz Lemon
I agree with the other ladies. I know it isn’t what you want to hear. This guy is not interested in you. A man who is interested would not wait 4 days to reply to you, for one thing. A man who is interested in you would not make excuses (no matter how seemingly valid) not to meet up with you; he would just make it happen, if he were actually interested.
This guy reaches out once in awhile when he wants attention. He knows a cute abstract “I miss you” text will provoke the response he wants from you. Like someone already said, it’s an ego stroke for him. That’s why he continues to reach out. It’s not because he has any real romantic interest in you, I’m sorry to say. It’s purely ego.
You said yourself you want different things and you don’t even live in the same country. This is a waste of your time and energy. The fact that you obsessively wait (for days) for a response from him shows you are way over-invested. This situation is not going anywhere. I agree you should stop responding and move on, date locally, find a guy who will give you the attention you deserve and reciprocate your interest.
Dyanne
He moved out if the country, so I’m guessing he doesn’t have too many (if any) friends. He likes you, you had some sort of connection since you were dating, so it’s normal for him to go to you for comfort and home-like feeling. It doesn’t mean he wants to go further. He already told you that.
These being said, I’ve been in your shoes. It took me two trips to his country and a lot of money (that I didn’t really have) wasted, to finally understand that I was wasting my time. Don’t be me, cut your losses and move on! This is going nowhere
caetru
Bottom line, he is not interested in a romantic relationship with you, don’t make excuses for him. You’re only hurting yourself by staying in contact with this guy. He probably genuinely likes and cares for you, but not romantically. If you can’t be just friends and not obsess about his texts then I would let him know and stop communicating with him and block him if he doesn’t respect your request.
meh
Thank you all for the responses.
@Dyanne what was your story? How did you understand you were wasting your time?
I know he does not deserve my time/energy/commitment, but since I do still like him I will try to play his game a little longer (and see if I can play with him without been invested/obsessed but I am very open to the local dating scene, so this helps).
I did some googling about big response time (4 days!!!) and it is a common mind game players play. So, I am gonna wait as least that time and then most probably respond, which is terribly stupid because our conversation is not that important anyways…
Luzy
Hi
I and my guy was in a relationship everything was going perfect…its just amazing…later both of us informed our family and got engaged…we had a great life together..later he will have to move abroad for his job and I had to stay away.. one of his colleagues his girlfriend and both started dating…and at last it ended up after an year… he again came back to chat and call me. And flurt with others as well..but I responded negatively and was not able to forgive him…later ya I said ok.. both still the level of bondage between us is missing…romantic relationship is missing… its quite a friendly chats and calls very superficial no deep conversations.. should I waitBaru
I was in a similar situation as you are right now, for 2 years! The difference was that our relationship was actually very romantic from the start.
The things is… I thought that it’s eventually gonna work out somehow, that one of us is gonna move or that he’ll want a committed relationship. None of that happened… I actually met someone else at my work and have been dating him for almost a year now.
This is what investing and interest look like:
1. You’ll hear from him basically every day, even if it’s some stupid reason to just text to you. He will, because he wants to. Yeah they will be rare exceptions, but they’ll be called rare for a reason. ;)
2. He will want to spend time with you, he’ll ask you out regularly.
3. You will meet most of his close friends and family.
4. He will open up to you about his feelings, thoughts, aspirations… It won’t be just random conversations you can have with anyone else.
5. He will want to be romantic with you – randomly touch you, hug you, kiss you, snuggle, have sex… do I have to go on? :D And you should only accept that behaviour if most of the points above are reached! Because he’s been investing..
And yeah it’s not always perfect, there are good and bad days, but in my case he makes sure I hear from him every day, we spend a lot of time together, he asks me out, we spend weekends together. I met most of his friends, family, we have a great relationship over all and it takes work, but both people need to work on it. :)
But thanks to him I realised, that whatever connection I had with that long distance guy, was nothing comparing to this, and he did come back wanting to travel with me and see me, and I just said politely no and explained I’m seeing someone else, and he stopped initiating all together. His game was weak to begin with, so make sure you just drop this guy now. I know it’s not easy, when you really like someone, believe me I’ve been there. But someone else will show up, who will think you are a princess and he will treat you that way as well. :) <3
Franny
Why are you putting any effort into this at all and not just losing his number? He is not interested and nothing you do will *make* him interested. This is a huge waste of your time.
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