She talks with her ex at night

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This topic contains 22 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  ANM Staff 6 months ago.

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    I can’t talk to my friends or anyone about this. I just want people’s opinion here. I’ve been dating a woman I from an app for about 6 months. I’m 31 and she’s 28. She’s great, beautiful, smart, supportive, fun, sexy, the total package. We haven’t had the exclusivity conversation yet but we usually spend the weekends at one of our apartments.

    She frequently get’s calls from an ex from her high school and college days. He will call late at night and she’ll even get out of bed to take his calls. I haven’t told her this bother’s me yet because I don’t want to seem insecure or controlling. She says he has problems and feels guilty for dumping him cause he dropped out of college and was on a downward spiral. She’s dated other guys since then but is part of his support system.

    How would you react in my situation?



    & you’ve not locked her down because …?



    I agree with the above. It’s time to have a conversation with her about the relationship. She may really just be friends and a support system for her ex. Does she leave the room so your can’t hear the conversation? She doesn’t seem like she is hiding it from you. Regardless it’s something that bothers you enough to post about. Harboring it will only cause resentment and negative feelings. Communicate your feelings. Do it in a positive way that doesn’t make her feel under attack. And for real, lock it down if she is what you want. I don’t understand the reluctance to be in a “relationship” these days. After 6 months you should know if she is worth it or not and vice versa.



    I haven’t broached the subject because I don’t want to seem controlling or insensitive.

    She will leave the room to take the call. She says excuse me then jumps out of bed. The first couple of times I asked if everything was ok and she just said “oh it’s my exbf Tommy, he just needs someone to talk to.”

    I ask her to shut off the phone or ringer when we go to bed now but she says no.



    Why are you not exclusive at 6 months? I would have dumped you 3 months ago.



    I agree with others in that you need to clarify what your status is and plans with her are first; and then have a discussion about the ex in a calm manner that you find it not only disruptive but disrespectful that you take his calls when she is with you.

    What do you want? Do you want to be a “couple” and progress towards a potential commitment (e.g., marriage)? Or do you want to waste her time and go nowhere? If you want to waste her time at least be honest with her, or get off the pot and man up.

    I would prefer my BF tell me, in a calm and respectful way, that something is bothering them, just as I do the same if something is bothering me because if you let them pile up then you are going to end up with a rocky relationship full of resentments—not a good long-term plan. People aren’t mind readers so its best to tell them what’s on your mind and then discuss and negotiate a reasonable solution that both parties can can accept and be OK with.



    Solomon, everyone AGES and with that so does the natural process of one’s biology, such as one’s hair, skin tone/elasticity, metabolism, etc. as does their personality as they go though the school of hard knocks (aka “life”). If you can’t stand the natural human process of aging, then stay single, lonely and let those who aren’t so shallow to enjoy “growing old together.”



    My main thought when reading it was also, why did you not ask for exclusivity yet? If a guy doesn’t ask me within 6-8 weeks I’m out (likewise if I see I am not super into a guy after 6-8 weeks I’m out).
    In my own personal experience I am finding that more and more men are trying so hard to be cool and non controlling that they tend to go to other extreme and when a girl sees a guy is being “too cool” she will often second guess things



    Tell her to guide him to professional help. That is what he needs. Otherwise she will stay sucked into his mess. There are counselors online now. No excuse.




    You should approach her and tell her this isn’t acceptable. I agree with Sue that you can suggest she guide him to some professional help. It’s gonna be weird because she had guilt over how they ended their relationship. Do you know if her aid involves more that inconvenient calls, does she give him money?
    Don’t be combative or accuse her of anything.
    I wouldn’t like it if the woman I was dating got out of bed to talk to an ex. It’s a bit insecure but it’s also respect to you.
    Ignore the noise from people here that don’t offer anything useful.



    I see there are a few comments that try to derail the conversation. Red and Wara I appreciate the input. Vera I’m not trying to “be cool” but I also don’t want to over step my position with her. IMHO many women have red flags ready when they detect possible controlling behavior.



    Just re-read what I wrote and I know it sounds like I’m going off on a tangent – maybe it’s the way I worded it . Sorry about that.
    I think what I meant to say was that you are right to be concerned about what she is doing (speaking with ex), however , maybe in her mind she’s free to do what she wants because you have not had the exclusivity talk. I think you bringing the issue up is totally valid , and that would be even more valid if your plans are to be exclusive with her .

    Good luck!!



    So I have weekend plans with her, usually I work late on Friday and she will just be at my place until I get home. I’ll bring it up on Saturday night after our date as the evening winds down, probably at my place again.

    I’m going to start with I know she’s not in a physical relationship with this guy because he lives several hundred miles away. I don’t think it’s respectful to me that she’ll take these calls while in bed with me. She should re-evaluate her guilt over a breakup that happened over 6 years ago.



    Warasen I thought you were married with grown kids!!!! How did you become 31 year old Jake?



    There are so many fake posts and attention seeking nutters here… I”m not coming here anymore. Can’t tell the real from the jokers.



    wow … plot twist . So Warasen isn’t a married guy with kids ??? Yikes



    Jake most likely wanted to answer Warasen and typed his name in the name-box. Easy mistake and easily done on this site.



    Cupcake,no, you have to enter your name and email in a separate box to make a response. Not likely you type someone’s name other than your own. Regardless, Anne’s right, too many fakes here. Admin has to keep stepping in and deleting a handful of people who’ve been caught over and over posting as multiple other people.



    Just a week ago Warasen is talking about his 24 year old daughter being suspicious of some guy who doesn’t have a social media presence. Hard to be 31 and have a 24 year old daughter! Maybe he decided to hook up with Betty from the place he eats once a week after all! No wonder his wife was worried about her.

    And Cupcake if Jake31 did type Warasen’s name by mistake to reply to him, then why wasn’t his post a reply to Warasen instead of just an update on when he was going to see this girl again?

    Makes me think any guy who posts on here is either a FAKE or a NUT or both!!



    And I notice that neither “Jake” nor “Warasen” has said a word…

    I’m with Anne.



    And I agree with you Kaye.



    Your email & handle only need to match if you’re using an avatar…


    ANM Staff

    There’s some fishy business going on in here. Usually if someone blunders something in the Name field, I can tell.

    Having said that, Cupcake’s observation is valid – occasionally some people have entered someone else’s name in the Name field when they wanted to reply to them. That’s a weird mistake to make, but it can happen, and the post data helps me confirm that quickly. I just edit the Name field to sort it out.

    That’s what I THOUGHT happened here, but the “Warasen” posts in this thread match Warsen’s usual post data soooooo….. What’s up with that? Playing games, Warasen?

    I had a pretty high level of suspicion of this thread to begin with, but I let it go. Looks like those suspicions were well-founded.

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