Home › Forums › The Community Lounge › Seeking a different type of relationship advice
- This topic has 5 replies and was last updated 3 years, 3 months ago by
Kathy.
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Misia.ooo
Hello. I have gotten some helpful relationship advice on here in the past. The issue I wanted to ask about tonight is a bit different… but please hear me out. There is this guy that I have feelings for. We have known each other forever, but he lives in a different country now. We barely communicate, and unless we physically see each other once every few years, there is not much of anything going on between us. If I text or call, he usually does not respond, so I stopped reaching out first. He usually reaches out when he wants something. The other day he reached out asking how I am doing. I always get so happy when I hear from him. Happy and hopeful that maybe this time around it will be different. I responded that I am fine, how is he? No response. I am so hurt, so upset, I feel so humiliated that I am so low on his list of priorities. I would like to end this relationship to protect myself from being hurt and disappointed and ignored every single time. I want to dump him. The problem is… he is my brother.
I feel very perplexed at what approach to take with him. He basically takes me for granted. Only reaches out when he needs something. We send wishes for each other’s birthdays, or birthdays of our kids. I send greetings for birthdays and I do not even get a simple “thank you” from him or his wife. My daughter sent a package to his daughter. No acknowledgment, no thank you, nothing. We said we would connect for his son’s birthday. I texted, called, nothing. No response to reschedule the call. And it hurts every single time. Honestly, I would LOVE to break up with him, so that he cannot hurt me anymore. Unfortunately I am unable to just ignore him ignoring me.
What would you suggest? Keep things as they are and just suck it up? Tell him how he makes me feel and go no contact? Just stop responding, stop contacting him even for birthdays? I am at a loss. This is obviously eating me up.
I want to add that he is younger, successful financially through his wife’s business, and very popular and social. We ate quite different, as siblings go. We were never very close, unfortunately, but when we meet we have a good time. I am just so sad. I am being taken for granted. This is so hard. Thanks for your input.
P
My brother is very mean to me whenever we have family get togethers. He ignores me if I speak to him and can’t even muster up enough civility to say hello or ask me how I’m doing. Your brother does not sound quite as bad but what he is doing to you is still very hurtful. I had to make the decision a long time ago to not play my brother’s game and as such I don’t seek out contact with him or his children. We still see each other at family holidays but I expect now for him to ignore me, basically treat me like rubbish, etc. It’s not a shock anymore. This is him, it’s who he is, he doesn’t like me for whatever reason and I just have to accept it. Acceptance is key I think… He is not going to change. You suffer because you want it to be different. Maybe it is never going to be.
Lane
People are who they are and you have to take them at face value. I have family members who I rarely ever speak to, not because I don’t love them or we are different, or there’s a big age gap but because I’m so overly consumed with my life, especially my business, that at the end of he day I have no more brain space to engage in another conversation.
My new daughter-in-law has sent me cards, gifts, wedding pictures, etc. and I forget to thank her! It’s not intentional and I do feel guilty, for a short bit but its just hard for me to remember to do it as I’m usually in the middle of something and it escapes me. He could be the same way and its not that we don’t care we just suck at it.
Misia.ooo
Thank you P and Lane for sharing your perspectives. I get it. You don’t choose family. If my husband would do those things (ghosting me on text, not returning calls, not acknowledging receipt of a package that cost $100 to ship) I would not tolerate it. My brother is an ass, but he is my brother, and I cannot divorce him or dump him. I am curious though what you think I should do. It appears that you are saying just to accept it. It is hard, though. I feel like I am being taken for granted. i am thinking about writing to him, and telling him how I feel. It may not do anything, of course. I am also thinking about ghosting him. Not reaching out during holidays, birthdays etc. I’d rather not do it without any explanation, however. Just wanted to do a sanity check – is all of this just not worth it. It affects my mental health and takes up way too much time inside of my head. Ugh. Who needs enemies if you have family?
Raven
I have a cousin like this… It’s his loss!
Kathy
I have similar with my brothers. I no longer reach out to them and have as little contact with them as I can.
Thankfully, we’re in different states, so I don’t have to see either one of them.
I’m guessing since one of our step-brothers died around Thanksgiving 2020, we’ll have no further “need” to have written or verbal contact.
I do follow one on Facebook, only because he shares memes/things I find interesting.
The other brother can pretty much go to h*ll, since he said to me about our oldest step-brother “he was never convicted for molesting you”. And that changes whether I was molested? Is the murder victim any less dead, if the murderer isn’t convicted?If your brother texts you with “how are you?”, reply with “good, thank you for asking”. Don’t expect a reply back. Send cards to him and his family, but no more gifts. Or send nothing. You have to decide how you want to behave.
I’ve given up on those that don’t keep the relationship a two-way street.
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