Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › reappearing to request friendship
- This topic has 15 replies and was last updated 3 years, 1 month ago by
tammy.
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confused
We dated for few months but we got very close. Then we stopped mostly because he was not ready to commit and I was. After that, we kept in contact for a while (few texts here and there) until he disappeared: no response to my last text, I called some time later to check he is ok and no response.
Now, about 3 months after my last text, he texted apologising for his disappearance. I said no problem but was quite direct that I still want commitment or nothing. He responded that he still does not want commitment but he wants to be close to me and be friends. I agreed to be friends, because I did not know what else to say.What does it even mean to “be friends”? I never actually had an ex reappearing to ask me that. I have stayed friends with people I dated, but we switched to friendship naturally, when we were in good, talking terms. But, this guy, I have no idea what he wants. Maybe I am also a little scared, because I had very intense feeling for him in the past…
AngieBaby
Stop lying. To yourself and to him.
It is NOT OK for someone to just disappear and come back around like this without a thorough explanation. What he did was extremely rude and unnecessary. It’s immature just to ghost like this. I don’t see why you’d want to give someone like this one more minute of your time.
Also the fact that you’re scared about being friends because you had intense feelings means you cannot handle “just friends” – you WILL get sucked back in. How would you feel being just friends and then him telling you he met the love of his life? If you’d be anything other than happy for him, you shouldn’t be hanging around, when honestly you’re secretly hoping he’ll change his mind and commit.
You have better things to do with your time and you can find better friends than this guy.
confused
@AngieBaby you are very true that I have better things to do and have much better friends.
But, I really do not have any secret hopes. In fact he gave me a thorough explanation of his disappearance. He got depressed he said, and communication with me made him anxious, he said because he did not know what we are.
The reason why I said ok to person was also this explanation: how can I say no to someone who said he was depressed and asking for my friendship. But it is also terribly confusing: if our communication stresses him, why would he ask to be friends???
Newbie
It means nothing but a test if you want to go back to non commital world. Ignore and move on
Newbie
And Angie baby im waiting for an apology from you or you still think i give the worst advice ever
Raven
It means he thinks you’re stupid, desperate or both…
AngieBaby
Newbie, in that particular case from several days ago I stand by every word I said – you gave the worst advice I’ve ever heard anytime anywhere, that was potentially very damaging to the OP and anyone who read it. I feel no need to apologize for stating that opinion.
Perhaps you could be adult enough not to take it so personally and stalk me on other non-related threads and disrupt the (unrelated) discussion at hand.
If you can’t get over it, start your own forum where you can censure people who disagree with you.
I will also repeat what I said on that post – no need for us to interact further.
AngieBaby
Confused, thanks for giving more information on what happened.
You raise some good points – why IS he reaching out again if he finds communicating with you stressful??
It’s hard to second guess him, but maybe he’s lonely or feels bad or guilty for ghosting you, or simply misses your company.
You need to look out for your best interests here. You could ask him exactly what being friends means to him and see if that really interests you and works for you. It might not work for you to be friends with someone you were really into who didn’t feel that way about you. You aren’t obliged to be friends or rescue him from being depressed, so to speak.
mama
Honestly the advice the 2 of you are referring to probably didn’t translate very well via the internet. My impression was that Newbie was speaking in terms of how the guy saw the gal, not how Newbie saw her and that AngieBaby misunderstood (because sometimes it’s difficult to read someone’s intentions in black and white).
Best to just let it go and get on with giving good/bad/misc advice to strangers on a forum. ;)
tammy
raven – haha. maybe they do think so.
something similar happening in my life as well. but this is post 9 years of our last meeting. but yes we were in touch on and off online over the past 9 years. we didn’t happen bec he doesn’t want to get into relationships. nor even explore the possibility of one. and i do.
after we met nothing has changed. he still wants a fwb arrangement and i said nope sorry. so we both say fine lets be just friends. but really that’s all bulls**t. deep down i still have hopes that he will open up his mind to a relationship and he probably thinks he will finally gain me as frnd along with a fwb arrangement.
you have feelings for him so i think this vanilla friendship arrangement won’t work for you. in my case i tried to think logically. cause my friend is a successful entrepreneur and quite well connected. i thought if nothing else i will gain a regular friend who’s quite street smart and well connected. but after meeting him i was so confused and honestly it took me 2/3 days to snap out of things. made me realise i cant meet him again actually. it just doesn’t work that way.
ANM StaffKeymasterwell said mama, thanks :D
Newbie
Yeah i know it was dumb of me to respond here. As silly as it sounds, i was pretty upset i was misunderstood like that. By a poster whose opinion i respect (and starts here with saying: dont lie to yourself, which is also very upfront). But now being told im a stalker, immature, backed by Zoë, is a clear sign to move on
Maddie
Confused, believe it or not this isn’t uncommon among commitment-phobic men who are both too scared to get close and too scared to be far. They have issues that basically translate to, they only want those unavailable who they can’t actually have because it’s “safe” as long as it’s not real. If that ever changes, if the person becomes fully available and wants them in a committed relationship, then their feelings change out of fear of intimacy and not wanting to feel responsible for anyone else. Yet once they have enough distance again and don’t need to commit, desire for a connection and fear of losing the person comes back. It’s a merry-go-round that repeats. It’s got almost zero to do with the other person and never leads to a solid or healthy romantic relationship because it’s their own issues that need fixing. And it’s rare for people with these issues to want to fix them (though occasionally can happen if the person is miserable enough in life and decides to be self-motivated to make big internal healing changes). So you also shouldn’t feel obligated to be his friend because he’s depressed / anxious. There’s no deep history and existing investment of him being for you there and now he’s going through a rough time… you’ve only known him a few months and he’s already vanished on you at least once. This is how he is.
If you want to be friends with him and have no other agenda, he’ll still be unreliable because he’s got these issues. So he’ll probably sometimes show up and be great but other times will disappear again, and you can’t rely on him like you would a closer friend.
I’ve been in this situation too, and in my particular experience, the guy was a good friend for a while… if he was single. As soon as he had another woman to go to for validation, he’d vanish (often saying once I called him out on disappearing that he had yet another new jealous girlfriend so it was easier for their relationship to not talk to me though he would then complain about being secretly resentful about being told by her what to do… ugh). Then if they broke up, POOF, he reappeared.
I got sick of the nonsense. We don’t talk anymore, and somehow magically I have no more drama 😆
confused
Thanks all!
Maddie and tammy, how much I relate to your stories!
It is indeed this drama that generated when there is _definitely_ a special connection but the two parties want different things (or he has no idea what he wants).It is tricky though. I too feel connected and want him on my life, but I am so sure that all this will end up being dramatic and complicated and stressful, so does it worth it? I just wish there was a way to skip this complicated stage and see the future in which either he staid in my life or not :)
ANM StaffKeymasterfwiw Newbie, Zoe’s post wasn’t helpful which is why it was deleted. De-escalation is good, gasoline is bad.
I understand why AngieBaby took umbrage to the topic being brought up here, and stood her ground about it. But I don’t think you’re a stalker – actually it feels a bit out of character for you to chase something like that. :) I’m happy you, AngieBaby, and everyone else spends their time here, and hope this can just be water under the bridge and no one feels chased-off by this.
(Also, apologies to “confused”, the OP for this topic – I don’t want to derail your discussion, I just happened to see some stuff going on that I wanted to comment on. I’m hoping that your discussion here has been helpful to you!)
tammy
hey confused. read my tag did i do the right thing. you will know what i was going through.
its been almost 5 days since my last meeting with him. ofcrse i now don’t feel so torn and confused. you said it. there is a special connect just that we want different things. i have been in touch with him over the past 9 years without meeting so yeah its really not such a big deal for me about not meeting him.
not going to brood anymore about this and go on with my life. :}. in my case its not like both of us are getting desperate to be with each other. if he wants to be a free bird, than that’s that. :-). but if i sleep with him, i may get involved emotionally and i don’t want that. so i guess things simply continue as before. we both lead our separate lives.
@ confused. it wasn’t that getting into a relationship was the criteria i put down for sleeping with him. just that i wanted us to see each other with an open mind and keeping the possibility open for a relationship if things developed since we share a spark/connect. but if the man says at the outset no relationship, no committment, strictly NSA or f*** buddy arrangement despite the connect than i say pass.
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