Ran into the boyfriend's hookup

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  • #941536 Reply

    I was on a date with my newish boyfriend and we ran into an old hook up of his. I was so uncomfortable but let it go and carried on. He did nothing wrong and gave me a lot of attention. We talked about it later when it came up again, so he understands that I dont ever want to be put in that situation if it can be prevented. I just cant stop thinking about it. We both obviously have exes but hes had a lot of hookups too. So this person is nothing special but I think it mostly makes me upset/angry because I had to see her in person and interact together. In addition, she kept hinting that she had been with my boyfriend even though he kept the conversation platonic. She even showed us her semi-nude IG photos. Clearly this was just immaturity but I dont think it was appropriate either. What also may be bothering me is that they seemed to have kept in touch after the hook up and he told me she will still text him occasionally as a friend. I don’t see any reason for them to have any contact, as she is much younger anyway. I believe him that it is platonic now. The next morning he showed me he was sending her a friend to set her up with bc she wants a bf. I really don’t want this whole thing to bother me but I’m so upset that I had to have this encounter and just really wish it never happened to me. Any words of wisdom for me?

    #941538 Reply

    If you guys just ran into her randomly why were you hanging out with her?? And she showing her semi nude pics is not done when her ex is with his gf!

    I think you can just tell ur bf that your not comfortable since it cms across that she may still be interested and its best to keep interactns to the minimum to avoid any awkwrd situations in the future.

    #941540 Reply

    Words of wisdom = Let it go

    Your Beau seemingly did the right thing… Next time? Look at her & do a really?’

    #941541 Reply

    This seems like it really triggered you, which is on you. Please consider digging deeper into why you are this upset over an unexpected run in that lasted only a little while with a man you trust. You can build it up and make it all dramatic or you can choose to deemphasize it.

    #941566 Reply

    She was our waitress, so we had no choice but to interact with her the whole date.
    Yes, I have dug deeper and am working on this. I have found that I have an anxious attachment style and books on this are helping me understand why I think the way I do.
    I’m in the battle of pretending I let it go so I don’t make it into a big thing vs bringing it up again to say a lot more that I have held back and ask questions.
    I wish he would see that she was very disrespectful to me by doing those things. He seemed to be ignorant to this.
    I worry that she is on his mind. And wonder why they ever got to being friendly after the hook up anyway. Is this abnormal? Can men truly be able to talk to someone platonically and not be thinking of the sex they had? I don’t worry that he’s cheating. I know this is juvenile but it’s part of my insecurity.

    #941567 Reply

    She shouldn’t have shown semi-nude photos, especially as your server, that’s the main weird and immature part. But. The questions you are asking here aren’t actually about her, it’s the worry that you don’t think you’re enough to keep a guy around just by being you, and that not being enough will lead to you getting abandoned. I think it’s actually good that you dropped it with him, because it doesn’t sound like he did anything wrong, which means he’s not the one who can fix how you feel. You need to emotionally process it on your end. There may be reasons from earlier in your life that you compare yourself to others and gauge your value against the perceived worth of others — but that’s a trick of the anxious attachment wound. The actual thing to internalize is, you get to give yourself value. You get to remember that things didn’t work out with them for a reason, and now he’s with you, and that isn’t something that needs to be conditional on other women if he’s a good guy (and especially if he’s got a secure attachment style). Then it’s just about the relationship and compatibility and fit between the two of you, and that’s it.

    Anxious attachment is kind of complicated and has a lot of layers that have nothing to do with your partner. A good partner can be consistent and a good boyfriend but can’t fix the fear for you because they aren’t causing it, the stuff causing it is in your past. And they shouldn’t fix it for you anyway because they’re not a trained therapist, so when romantic partners get involved in dealing with those issues, then the relationship begins to get icky and unbalanced. Have you thought about speaking to a professional to help? If you’re not up to that yet, Thais Gibson has some good free videos online that may be helpful in learning how to deal with anxious attachment fears. But in this case, I’d try to read more about managing your anxious triggers when you’re in a relationship and not taking them out on your partner if your partner really hasn’t done anything wrong, which you stated in your comment that he didn’t (he was attentive to you, held platonic boundaries with her, and talked it through with you after).

    #941568 Reply

    Next time, ask for a different server…

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