Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Please talk me down from being so bothered
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Julia.
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Julia
Hi all,
I’m not even going to spend a lot of time on this because it is so not worth it but long and the short – I went out on a bumble date tonight with a guy who asked me out immediately/didn’t even ask for my number which Is typically a red flag for me but he was nice enough and recently divorced so I thought maybe he was just awkward. Tonight came around. I hadn’t answered his last few messages hoping he wouldn’t follow through with plans because I just didn’t feel any chemistry and Despite it being only Tuesday it’s been a really long week at work thus far :) Anyway, he bumble messaged me today saying he had a babysitter lined up and a time/place for dinner. So I went. He was nice. Talked about his ex incessantly. Looked older in person than he did in photos. Clearly has different political positions than I do. And then after dinner we split the bill. Which was fine because I wasn’t feeling it at all. When we left he hugged me and said he’d like to see me again. I panicked and didn’t know what to say so I said something along the lines of “sure” and ran off to the bathroom. So then I get to my car and I have three bumble messages from him saying he had been caught up in the debate? That he had a nice time. And that I “materially misrepresented” myself in my photos but he’d still go out with me again because I am “smart and fun.” I immediately unmatched him. My photos are all of me. During the pandemic – admittedly – I’ve gained about 10 lbs or so but I’d still consider myself attractive. This is really bothering me tho and damaging my self esteem for sure. Why could t he just NOT message me at all? That would have been far less offensive seeing as how I had zero intent on ever seeing him again anyway. I am really shaken by this for some reason!Ewa
bit rude of him lol but to be honest you also said he didn’t look like his photos, so why are you so bothered.
If you are confident it should not bother you , I could understand if you liked the guy and he told you that but if you didn’t like him and know you won’t see him again why do you careJulia
Thanks for responding Ewa. I know I shouldn’t care but I think I’ve been so self conscious about the extra weight that I just didn’t need to hear that (I assume that’s what he’s talking about.) And it was almost as if he was saying “I asked you out bc I found you physically attractive but you’re not in real life. And you’re right – zero spark there – so it shouldn’t bother me But I guess because I’m already focused on it myself it did in fact. On the upside, I am glad he gave me an out though. I wasn’t looking forward to having to have the “you’re really cool but” exchange if he asked me out again.
Tallspicy
Why are you so passive aggressive? I did not see one direct communication in your whole summary. Yikes. If you don’t want to go out with someone, then tell them… don’t ignore them, etc.
Are you sure it is only 10 pounds?
Don’t do this again being passive aggressive not wanting to go and then whining about the whole thing. If you don’t want to go, don’t go. Stop looking for what is wrong with people and then critiquing them for the same thing.
You are better than all of that, now show it.
Julia
Lol not sure where I was passive aggressive. I said he seemed nice enough but I wasn’t feeling the chemistry virtually and it’s already been a long week at work. I said I gave it a shot anyway because that’s what you do when you’re dating, no? Take a chance, see how you feel after meeting in person? And then I realized we weren’t a good match and I didn’t plan on seeing him again. Are you suggesting I tell him that on the date? It just didn’t seem appropriate. I figured if he asked me out again I’d have that conversation but why not spare ourselves the awkwardness of bringing it up in person then and there when his “I’d like to see you again sometime” could have just been talk? And I merely noted he didn’t look like his photos. I didn’t see the point in telling him that I felt that way. What good does that accomplish? There’s a nice way of saying to someone “I don’t think we are a good match” without being rude about it. It was one week of conversation and one date. Neither of us needs a PowerPoint presentation on why we don’t think the other is what we are looking for.
And yes. 10 pounds. I don’t have a full body shot on my profile so perhaps he thought I was more petite than I ordinarily am? Who knows.
Newbie
You feel sort of get caught since you did gain the weight and are insecure about it. I simply dont understand why you can let it go if you didnt care for the guy. I mean he says you are not as good looking as i thought but ill go out with you again. I would flip him the finger. I think thats what is bugging you. You felt he was not your standard and he called you out. But just forget about it. And lose the weight if its bugging you. I have the same issue but i just take 2021 to lose it by being more active
Julia
Newbie – thank you so much. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head for sure. It felt like he was throwing me a pity follow up when I knew I wouldn’t be reaching out to him again at all. I wish I could flip him the finger because I would in a second. Who says something like that? And yes I am focusing on eating healthy and being more active (2021 is also my goal as between working and home schooling during this pandemic things have been just a tad stressful haha.) Thank you so much again for your insight. You’re right about why I feel so bugged and it’s just silly.
Newbie
Thanks, i had the same feeling years ago when i tried online dating. I talked to a guy a bit on a dating app who was a fair lot older than me. I had zero interest in him. Next day he had blocked me or something and i was actually upset like: what do think im sort of stalker or youre just too good to be true? Haha you got to let it go
Ss
I get why it has upset you. Its competely unnecessary to mention your physical appearance and i don’t know what outcome he expected from saying that- its not like even if you liked him you would have wanted a second date after him saying that!
Its a bit like he was trying to neg you. Using negging is a trick encouraged by pick up artists. The aim is to undermine a woman’s confidence by giving a back handed compliment- in your situation saying you aren’t that attractive to him but you are fun and smart. Its horrible as its designed to destabilise women and knock their confidence so they accept men below their normal standards.
I would have felt upset at his comment too – its human nature x
Tallspicy
Please add a full body shot, it will most likely avoid this issue. That way men can’t fill in the blanks with what they assume or want.
Julia
Newbie – YES!!! Precisely! That is exactly how I feel about it. Like, who do you think you are, buddy?? I go on plenty of dates and have made plenty of connections so thanks – but hard pass. It sucks that you went through a similar situation but I will say it does make me feel like I’m justified in my knee jerk response. And it really was knee jerk bc honestly – 12 hours later – I really could t care less.
Ss – thanks so much for your comment. I’ve never heard of negging but I googled it just now. That’s some interesting stuff. Awful – but interesting nonetheless. It’s sad to think that there are actually people like that out there in the world. Scary even. I don’t know this guy well enough to say for certain that’s what he was doing or if he fits the profile but you’re right – the term does seem to apply as there was absolutely nothing to be gleaned from making that comment (and no WAY I would have gone out with him again after that even if I had planned to previously!) I think it really is human nature for all of us (especially women IMO) to want to feel attractive. I think that’s why that comment threw me through such a loop initially.
Thank you again, all!
mama
It does seem a bit silly as you mentioned but we’ve all been there in some manner. You didn’t like him, but he’s acting like he’s doing you a favor by being so willing to go out with you again. So you get mad at him, but then mad at yourself because you didn’t want to go out with him again anyway. And that’s how it starts getting silly. :)
Shake it off, move on from this. I hope you can laugh a little at yourself for the whole exchange. Consider it a little lesson in not letting the little things get to you
And while I agree that maybe putting a full body photo or a recent photo that somehow represents your body the way it actually is might be wise, don’t forget that you are beautiful just the way you are. Embrace a little self compassion and kindness for yourself and be proud that you taking measures to live healthier. The pandemic and quarantine has wreaked a little havoc on many of us in many ways, and weight gain happens. You’re still a good person and gosh darn it people like you. :)
Julia
Mama – thank you so much. I’ve read your post three times now as it just made me feel so good! The whole thing is silly really. I actually am quite fond of myself. I know where I could improve but I like myself overall. I don’t like that I let this odd stranger get to me in that way and I’m going to do my best to not let that happen again should the situation present itself. And I agree re putting a recent photo up but the funny thing is my photos ARE recent lol. They’re just not full body. I see no glaring difference between real life me and the me in the pictures except that I came right from work yesterday bc I got stuck in a late meeting and didn’t have time to go home and freshen up and in the pics I’ve uploaded online my hair is done and my makeup is fresh etc. i guess I didn’t think that mattered so much (maybe that’s bc I do actually like myself haha.) Either way thank you again for your kind words and vote of confidence :)
Jacqueline
You should have texted him back with this:
speaking of misrepresentation you look a lot older in person than in your photos. I would have been interested in seeing his reaction but you were polite to him you did not want to hurt his feelings but he could care less about yours.
**** Just a note: I want to say I do appreciate the way you handled the political differences in that you did not make it into an issue on the date. He even said you were smart and funny. We need more of that.***He texted you while you were going to your car in an attempt to see you again. Take out the weight part he is bluffing. You could not have looked that bad he hugged you and texted you right away. Also, A gentleman would not have said that at all about your weight. If he was that bothered by your weight he would not entertain another date.
I think his mind is a bit preoccupied he is living in the past talking about his ex. Possible his glory days. huge red flag. I feel like he may have been trying to lower your self-esteem because he is actually insecure and puts on a confidence front. He likes confusion at least now he may be hung up on his ex and compare everyone to her.
Also, Bumble may not be the best place to meet guys. It varies but I have noticed a lot of women posting that they met someone and were having issues with that app. You may want to attend events or meetings or do things that interest you. You may find someone. Datings apps can have success but sometimes not.
Always trust your intuition next time if you are not feeling like going out call it off ASAP. And it will also test the other person to see how they handle that before meeting them in person. Also, if you are going the online dating route try a video chat first possibly.
Julia
Hi Jacqueline! Hahaha such a great point. Honestly if I had his number/we had been chatting over text then I would have said something to that effect and then blocked him. But since we never exchanged numbers (thank goodness!) it was over bumble messenger and I just wanted him gone for good with no back and forth. That would have been great tho, you’re right :)
Thank you so much for saying what you said about him hugging me, saying he wanted to see me again and messaging be immediately. It’s hard to see things objectively when you’re insulted but what you say does make sense. He is ABSOLUTELY still hung up on the ex and IMO should not be dating anyone right now and I do think you’re correct in that he’s comparing women to her. He told me last night that she is beautiful – multiple times. It wasn’t for me.
I’ve often contemplated joining a MeetUp or single parents’ group or something – that’s a very good idea. I’ve looked into such things briefly before and there doesn’t seem to be much out there (especially amidst the pandemic) but perhaps I can find a virtual meet up in the same way you suggested for a first date.
Thank you so much again for your insight. All of you ladies have been wonderful and have made me feel leaps and bounds better/less concerned.
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