Paying on dates – early on and in a committed relationship

For a guy you call a “bf” and are “somewhat dating” you sure bent over backwards to please him. Honestly Silvia what are you doing? Have you totally lost your way. Who in their right mind spends 100 dollar on a ticket for a somewhat “bf”. I dont even blame him for not paying. He wasnt even asked if he wanted to go. You might see this as building up a guy but i see this as chasing a guy away. But maybe thats for the best

It sounds like you and this guy are a bad match. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be courted, especially in the early stages of dating, and be taken out for nice dinners. But it sounds like this guy just doesn’t want to spend his money that way. You aren’t on the same wavelength at all. And I don’t know how you define a “nice” dinner in terms of how much it costs because everyone is different. I myself am not into spending hundreds of dollars on meals.

About the $100 ticket for the show, you should have talked with him about it before buying the tickets! I’d be annoyed if my boyfriend bought us $100 tickets to something and informed me after the fact, and expected me to pay him back (and we’re not “dating”, we’ve been together 2 years). It’s not that I don’t have the money, it’s the principle of the thing. That’s just not something you do to someone without asking them first. Not unless it’s a gift and you don’t want to be paid back.

I totally agree with Newbie that you are doing way too much for a guy you’re “dating”. He’s not even a solid bf, he’s just a guy you’re dating. Can’t you go on dates that don’t involve buying expensive meals? There are other ways to get to know someone you’re dating that don’t involve dropping lots of cash. Go for a bike ride or a hike, go to a museum, go see a show that is not $100.

Ultimately though, in the long run this guy sounds like a bit of a cheapskate and you seem like you like to spend money (no judgment on either of you, you’re just different ends of the spectrum), so I don’t think you’re a good match.

About the tickets… The worst part is he sounded excited about it, said he wanted to go and chose the exact seats (each seat was with the $ mentioned so he knew..). With this information I made a reservation and to keep it I had to pay within 24 hours. I hope you can understand at least a bit more why I thought he would give me my money back especially after I asked for it literally.
But yeah, I often “buy” guys or at least spend in the end more on them then they do on me! Then they get cocky, this guy already thinks very highly of himself, I showed him my friends, my world, some cool stuff, ideas :) I treat guys how I want to be treated, ironic. I’m thoughtful, can make simple things and expensive. I’d date myself too in that regard hah. I see however how it can backfire. I don’t want to be seen as gold-digger and overcompensate.
I’m not into super fancy restaurants etc, it’s not my vibe, actually I’m basic when it comes to food so fancy restaurants are a torture because I prefer simple food and don’t like “complicated” meals (complicated- I have no clue what some of the ingredients are). Also a vegan/vegetarian. Give me a smoothie with kale over Michelin. I wanted to go to this restaurant because of my birthday and because it’s a new restaurant, just opened with all the talk about how good it is and it’s booked till September! But I was lucky.
Do you think I could have asked a guy if we can go to x place and split the bill or should the guy pay? How to deal with such issues in the future? Of course I’d be happy as well if he chose a cheaper place, I’d be happy if he thought or asked me what other places I want to see on a special occasion.
This guy would love to stay at home all the time or go for a walk and buy me ice-cream. No museum or theatre, concert, trip. I’m planning all activities because he can’t think of one. I boost his ego.

Wait, so he knew about the price of the tickets, was excited to go, chose the seats, then didn’t offer to pay you back? That’s really tacky!

Can i ask why you’re with this guy? He sounds like such a bore. He just wants to stay home & you’re the one planning all dates. He makes no effort. Some of the most precious memories i have from the early days of dating my bf were the special ideas he’d have for dates, like little glimpses into his world — nothing fancy or expensive, but things like taking me to an art museum to show me a special artwork that meant something to him– stuff like that. This guy isn’t trying to bring you into his world. You’re doing all the work.

Given all this, don’t you think you can do better? Not to be harsh. But you sound fun & lively & interesting. You deserve a guy who’s your match in that regard. You shouldn’t have to “buy” guys just to have a warm, breathing body to spend time with! You should be with someone who excites you. And i guarantee when you’re with the right guy for you, he’ll want to take youbout for your bday and pay. None of this having to split the bill on your bday crap.

Liz, yeah exactly. I showed him a website with prices. He was excited and thought it was a great idea. He was considering which row to choose, decided on two (in case one was reserved already). He literally said “THIS one, it’s my choice”. So tacky. Also I know you shouldn’t mix work and “love” but when he has to go to company’s dinner he doesn’t want me to go with him. I literally have no clue why. Especially since I included him in my life. He is sweet to me on FB and instagram. Everyone thinks he has fallen so hard for me! Social media is such a lie!
Yeah, he’s a bore but he opens the door and umbrella when it’s raining and overall can be sweet and was the opposite of every jerk I fell for so I overcompensated. I settled like many women do. Also needed someone to go out with. Money doesn’t give you happiness but can give you some exciting things when your partner is a bore so that’s why I might across more high maintenance then I really am.
I’m like you! My best memory with my ex (turned out badly.) is our making out on a bench near the river and talking about philosophy, laughing. There was something special in this night, like magic, chemistry, hope and falling in love. I almost cried when you described your bf.
I’ll find someone who will love me back and excite me, thank you for giving me hope!

Yeah im angry with you. Maybe i should hide it but i think like liz said you are probably a fun loving bubbly woman setting yourself up for trouble. Youre your own worst enemy and i hate that since it will break you. Take a break in finding love on the outside and look in the inside. Its there. By itself i didnt want to offend you but shake you Yes.
Also if you read this post and the other one, where you cant feel it for the new guy who has you on a pedestal i read two totally different stories

When you date, you allow a guy to do ALL the work (you show up – treating just a small amount). He needs to earn you and prove to you he values you. Beware of house dates (declining them) until you agree you want him in your life and to be his girlfriend.

Don’t row the boat when you date. It makes you seem needy.

Have fun!

I posted a reply earlier but it didn’t go through, I’ll try again.

You posted the “I’m not falling for my boyfriend” thread, right? What strikes me is that this guy sounds pretty awful and you seem to feel quite a bit of disdain for him, but you continue dating him because you’re afraid to be alone. This is what I’m getting from your other thread. You’re afraid you won’t find someone else because of covid restrictions. You’re afraid of what people will think if you’re single. So you’re coming at this situation from a place of fear, not a place of excitement or eagerness or happiness.

This guy isn’t even sexual with you, according to your other thread. In 6 weeks you’ve kissed a little but you don’t feel physical desire for him, and he seems asexual. You said spending time with him feels forced. He’s boring, he’s cheap, he seems like a bit of a crappy person to be honest, given what you’ve said about him wanting you to buy the $100 ticket but then not wanting to pay you for it. If this is how he treats you at 6 weeks, it won’t get better, believe me.

But because he’s nice to you on a superficial level– he opens doors, he makes adoring posts about you on social media– you put up with it. He treats you reasonably well (although I question that, because refusing to pay you $100 for a ticket he wanted you to buy is a pretty jerk move). Because it’s better than being alone and you’re convinced people will think something’s wrong with you if you’re alone.

This is a really messed up way to think! I know Newbie can be blunt but I love her to death because her advice is pretty much always totally spot on, and it’s never delivered with malice. Bluntness yes, but not malice. You are your own worst enemy. You shouldn’t be buying guys’ time or dating guys you feel disdain for just because you don’t want to be alone. It’s OK to be single! In fact it’s better to be single and work on self-love rather than be in this situation. You deserve better than this guy and you know it. And to be fair to him, he deserves to be with someone who doesn’t feel this way about him. And you won’t find it if you stay with him just because you’d rather not be alone.

you teach people how to treat you.

On YouTube search: Dating advice for Feminists, who should pay for the date. by Shallon Lester.

“I’m not a woman who is wined and dined which is fine but a little princessy treatment would be nice.”

I stopped reading after that line. Do you realize what a passive-aggressive statement that is??

You’re conflicted plus you’ve got low standards and you’re going to keep attracting stingy, cheap guys with that mindset. You’re NOT fine with not being “wined and dined” at all. You’re uncomfortable with receiving that kind of treatment though because to you that’s “princess-y” and you don’t think you’re worthy of it. You’re putting up with his cheapness and you’re even rewarding him for it by buying expensive tickets for him. You’re trying so hard to be easy to get along with, you’ve turned into a doormat. Sorry to be so blunt.

I”m absolutely a woman who is “wined and dined.” (And I”m a vegetarian!) I”m a high quality woman – of course a high quality man would want to take me out and show me a nice time. I wouldn’t insult him by offering to pay on a first date or on the first few dates. A gracious thank you is all that’s necessary. If we keep seeing each other then I cook for him or buy things like movie tickets, etc. I only meet on first dates for drinks, keeps the stakes low and meeting time to no more than 90 minutes. If he doesn’t willingly buy me a drink or two, I wouldn’t see him again. It’s only happened twice in my life the tab came for a first date drinks/nibbles meeting and the guy told me my half was $X. Which was fine in both cases because I already knew I didn’t want to see him again.

I”d save the grand gestures for his birthday and Christmas, if we were dating exclusively. As Lane points out, you’re taking his job. A good man would be embarrassed by a woman spending too much on him and planning all the dates.

Raise your standard to that level – and you’ll start getting treated better.

STOP IT! Get rid of this guy and try again differently with a new man.

A man needs to court you and chase you! If he’s not paying for everything, making every reservation, then he doesn’t deserve a woman. Stop rewarding these simps because you’re a total doormat. I don’t know when it EVER became appropriate for a woman to go half or pay for a man. I make over 6 figures but I NEVER pay for a man unless he’s my boyfriend and it’s his birthday. Otherwise, he pays for everything or he’s blocked. Please don’t shame your natural feminine instinct for wanting to live comfortably by being afraid of being labeled as gold diggers or princesses. Men are suppose to provide! You’re the female version of a nice guy. Yuck, totally not attractive.

You’re this way because of your overbearing mother, don’t end up like her in this aspect. Unfortunately females with daddy issues have a hard time finding a good partner. But it’s never too late to change. Here’s my recommendation for the next man. Leave or it take it but if you want to be with a man who loves you more than you love him, this is what you do:

-Always let him lead, let him choose the date places and make the reservations
-Don’t settle for less than a public date (DO NOT go to his place to “chill”)
-If it’s not his birthday, don’t pay, doesn’t matter how expensive or cheap the date is, let him take the tab. If he asks you to go dutch, block him.
-Smile, look pretty, and don’t talk too much.
-If he’s not initiating, move on to the next.

It’s really that simple, improve your standards.

Haven’t you been dating this guy a couple of months? I wouldn’t make a huge announcement about it personally. I mean, obviously you need to tell HIM it’s over, but I wouldn’t worry about making a general announcement to the world. Dump him, let your friends and social circle know that you’re single again, and don’t worry about what he tells his friends/family (you can’t control that anyway). I’d just defriend/delete and untag myself from photos that are out there, if possible. I think making an announcement is too dramatic and gives the guy more importance than he deserves. Just my opinion. It’ll take a little time for the social media stuff to get buried (pics get old and fall of people’s radar) but since you’ve only been together a short while, it shouldn’t take long.

The guy sounds totally awful, by the way. Good for you for deciding to end it! At best you sound like you two are a terrible match, at worst he sounds pushy and sadistic. That he loves when you say “no” and it makes him push more is just wrong.

In the future just use this as a learning experience. You don’t even like this guy! He’s already annoying you after a couple months of dating. That’s a sign it’s not going to work. The beginning of a relationship is supposed to be the honeymoon period; if things are going to last into a long-term, successful relationship, you should be head over heels about the guy. If the guy annoys you, then move on! It’s better to be alone than to be with someone you dislike.