Paying on dates – early on and in a committed relationship


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This topic contains 29 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Sylvia 1 week ago.

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  • #797374 Reply

    Sylvia

    Old topic. I noticed a pattern – I often pay for guys, dinners wine etc. I’m not a woman who is wined and dined which is fine but a little princessy treatment would be nice.
    Now I’m “dating someone”.
    He doesn’t like spending money on dinners etc even though he’s not poor so it not like I’m bringing a poor student to posh places. He’d prefer to hang at home and not spend any money. He paid a few times I paid a few times. Whenever we went out we had a nice time and he clearly liked the lifestyle I showed him.
    One recent situation bugged me a bit. Since I’m the “social butterfly” compared to him I find activities I like and have to book them to make a reservation and pay for them. I told him I bought two tickets to this great show and he asked “did you pay already”. I said “yes, because you have to book it online and pay within 24 hours, do you want to pay me back for your ticket? * joking ;) “. I added I’m joking to not make a scene but give him a hint. He replied “I’ll repay you by making your favourite orange juice”. I told my mum and she asked if we paid the same amount from the start and didn’t like the fact that we did. She’d prefer if each one paid for themselves but we’re both not happy he’s totally okay I’m spending 100$ on his ticket. Also I suggested going to some nice place for my birthday which I picked but said “hmm, the food and wine pairing there is actually pretty pricey I think I don’t want to spend that much”. He agreed with me, didn’t offer to pay at least for himself or both of us. I don’t want to be seen as a gold digger but I’m a bit frustrated. Am I in the wrong or not? How to suggest now or in the future that guys should pay a bit more?

    #797378 Reply

    Newbie

    For a guy you call a “bf” and are “somewhat dating” you sure bent over backwards to please him. Honestly Silvia what are you doing? Have you totally lost your way. Who in their right mind spends 100 dollar on a ticket for a somewhat “bf”. I dont even blame him for not paying. He wasnt even asked if he wanted to go. You might see this as building up a guy but i see this as chasing a guy away. But maybe thats for the best

    #797379 Reply

    Newbie

    And you paid for both your dinners at your birthday? Can we date? You can build me up, fix my hair, show me your lifestyle and ill be your escort around town. Just buy me dinners and im all yours

    #797382 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    It sounds like you and this guy are a bad match. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be courted, especially in the early stages of dating, and be taken out for nice dinners. But it sounds like this guy just doesn’t want to spend his money that way. You aren’t on the same wavelength at all. And I don’t know how you define a “nice” dinner in terms of how much it costs because everyone is different. I myself am not into spending hundreds of dollars on meals.

    About the $100 ticket for the show, you should have talked with him about it before buying the tickets! I’d be annoyed if my boyfriend bought us $100 tickets to something and informed me after the fact, and expected me to pay him back (and we’re not “dating”, we’ve been together 2 years). It’s not that I don’t have the money, it’s the principle of the thing. That’s just not something you do to someone without asking them first. Not unless it’s a gift and you don’t want to be paid back.

    I totally agree with Newbie that you are doing way too much for a guy you’re “dating”. He’s not even a solid bf, he’s just a guy you’re dating. Can’t you go on dates that don’t involve buying expensive meals? There are other ways to get to know someone you’re dating that don’t involve dropping lots of cash. Go for a bike ride or a hike, go to a museum, go see a show that is not $100.

    Ultimately though, in the long run this guy sounds like a bit of a cheapskate and you seem like you like to spend money (no judgment on either of you, you’re just different ends of the spectrum), so I don’t think you’re a good match.

    #797385 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I will add, him not wanting to pay for you on your birthday is a pretty d!ck move. He should have taken you out somewhere with a price range he was comfortable with. That just seems like the least a guy you’re dating can do. Would you have been happy with a cheaper restaurant, though?

    If your tastes run expensive (you used the word “princessy” to describe how you want to be treated), you’re dating the wrong guys, if you want to be spoiled. I’ve never had to deal with this issue myself but I guess I’ve always dated guys who have more or less the same tastes as me. My bf courted me heavily when we first dated and spent what I felt was a good deal of money (by my standards), taking me out for drinks and dinner, but again my standards are not super high :-) Now that we’ve been together awhile and are an established couple we share the costs of things. He treats me and gets me gifts, I treat him and get him gifts, etc. It evens out. Again, because we’re on the same wavelength with how we spend money.

    #797390 Reply

    Sylvia

    About the tickets… The worst part is he sounded excited about it, said he wanted to go and chose the exact seats (each seat was with the $ mentioned so he knew..). With this information I made a reservation and to keep it I had to pay within 24 hours. I hope you can understand at least a bit more why I thought he would give me my money back especially after I asked for it literally.
    But yeah, I often “buy” guys or at least spend in the end more on them then they do on me! Then they get cocky, this guy already thinks very highly of himself, I showed him my friends, my world, some cool stuff, ideas :) I treat guys how I want to be treated, ironic. I’m thoughtful, can make simple things and expensive. I’d date myself too in that regard hah. I see however how it can backfire. I don’t want to be seen as gold-digger and overcompensate.
    I’m not into super fancy restaurants etc, it’s not my vibe, actually I’m basic when it comes to food so fancy restaurants are a torture because I prefer simple food and don’t like “complicated” meals (complicated- I have no clue what some of the ingredients are). Also a vegan/vegetarian. Give me a smoothie with kale over Michelin. I wanted to go to this restaurant because of my birthday and because it’s a new restaurant, just opened with all the talk about how good it is and it’s booked till September! But I was lucky.
    Do you think I could have asked a guy if we can go to x place and split the bill or should the guy pay? How to deal with such issues in the future? Of course I’d be happy as well if he chose a cheaper place, I’d be happy if he thought or asked me what other places I want to see on a special occasion.
    This guy would love to stay at home all the time or go for a walk and buy me ice-cream. No museum or theatre, concert, trip. I’m planning all activities because he can’t think of one. I boost his ego.

    #797394 Reply

    Sylvia

    So I’ll stress once again – he knew about the tickets, he chose the seats, he asked me to book the seat x or y and then when it turned out I paid he didn’t want to pay back for his ticket. Now I hope you see that I didn’t surprise him with anything other than paying but I simply assumed he’ll pay back.

    #797397 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Wait, so he knew about the price of the tickets, was excited to go, chose the seats, then didn’t offer to pay you back? That’s really tacky!

    Can i ask why you’re with this guy? He sounds like such a bore. He just wants to stay home & you’re the one planning all dates. He makes no effort. Some of the most precious memories i have from the early days of dating my bf were the special ideas he’d have for dates, like little glimpses into his world — nothing fancy or expensive, but things like taking me to an art museum to show me a special artwork that meant something to him– stuff like that. This guy isn’t trying to bring you into his world. You’re doing all the work.

    Given all this, don’t you think you can do better? Not to be harsh. But you sound fun & lively & interesting. You deserve a guy who’s your match in that regard. You shouldn’t have to “buy” guys just to have a warm, breathing body to spend time with! You should be with someone who excites you. And i guarantee when you’re with the right guy for you, he’ll want to take youbout for your bday and pay. None of this having to split the bill on your bday crap.

    #797400 Reply

    Newbie

    I dont understand you at all. You do all this so you have a bf? Dont you see how this works against you? And that’s me saying it friendly. You speak with such disdain about this guy, he Lets you pay on your birthday and yet you ask how to solve this for the future. You cant be serious. Get rid of the idea you need an insta bf and get rid of this guy but also get rid of your attitude that youre all that. The way you talk about yourself sounds very fake up beat. Im sorry i cant say it nicer. And start over. The way you talk sounds like you may have some underlying issues, like borderline or bipolar. Clearly im not a docter but i do worry a bit about your mental health. Maybe go see a doctor if you can relate. I wish you all the best with yourself and without this man in your future

    #797401 Reply

    Sylvia

    Liz, yeah exactly. I showed him a website with prices. He was excited and thought it was a great idea. He was considering which row to choose, decided on two (in case one was reserved already). He literally said “THIS one, it’s my choice”. So tacky. Also I know you shouldn’t mix work and “love” but when he has to go to company’s dinner he doesn’t want me to go with him. I literally have no clue why. Especially since I included him in my life. He is sweet to me on FB and instagram. Everyone thinks he has fallen so hard for me! Social media is such a lie!
    Yeah, he’s a bore but he opens the door and umbrella when it’s raining and overall can be sweet and was the opposite of every jerk I fell for so I overcompensated. I settled like many women do. Also needed someone to go out with. Money doesn’t give you happiness but can give you some exciting things when your partner is a bore so that’s why I might across more high maintenance then I really am.
    I’m like you! My best memory with my ex (turned out badly.) is our making out on a bench near the river and talking about philosophy, laughing. There was something special in this night, like magic, chemistry, hope and falling in love. I almost cried when you described your bf.
    I’ll find someone who will love me back and excite me, thank you for giving me hope!

    #797402 Reply

    Sylvia

    Newbie thank you for advice, I see now that it works against me that’s why it got me thinking. Another mistake to avoid. I have daddy issues and controlling mother but I’m not bipolar. I feel anger in your post, maybe you’re just frustrated with me, ok, you don’t need to read and reply to me. (I’m also overly sensitive so usually I’m not sure when I should be offended since I’m aware of this issue). All the best.

    #797404 Reply

    Newbie

    Yeah im angry with you. Maybe i should hide it but i think like liz said you are probably a fun loving bubbly woman setting yourself up for trouble. Youre your own worst enemy and i hate that since it will break you. Take a break in finding love on the outside and look in the inside. Its there. By itself i didnt want to offend you but shake you Yes.
    Also if you read this post and the other one, where you cant feel it for the new guy who has you on a pedestal i read two totally different stories

    #797405 Reply

    Ss

    Hmm. I am always prepared to pay my share whatever I’m doing. If a guy wants to treat me i won’t refuse but equally I usually will treat a guy too. I earn decent money and don’t want or need a man to pay for me. The guy I’m dating atm is long distance. When i stay at his he tends to pay for most things and when he has stayed with me I’ve generally paid for stuff but it also kind of works out equal. So this weekend i suggested a take out so i ordered and paid. He suggested going out for breakfast and he paid. I fancied an ice coffee so got him one too, we went to friends and had a takeout and i didn’t even realise initially but he paid for both of our share … so its just swings and roundabouts.

    I do think Liz is right – it’s best to date someone with similar spending habits and attitude so there is no stress or “bringing into your world” which actually sounds a bit patronising!

    He also plans dates that don’t cost loads but he puts in the effort on little extras that make it special like when we were going for a picnic i thought we’d just pick up stuff but he had already packed a lovely basket of treats including prosecco and even raspberries to put in the wine glasses as he knows i think that’s cute. We have never actually been out for a meal together because of covid but I’m pretty sure we’d just split the bill or he would pay.

    With the tickets i can see why you thought he would pay his share but if it had been something I’d just booked with the intention of inviting him then I’d shoulder the cost as its my choice. But for your guy to choose seats etc and then offer you some juice is just insulting!

    Your guy sounds like a skin flint! Drop him!!

    #797406 Reply

    Sensy

    When you date, you allow a guy to do ALL the work (you show up – treating just a small amount). He needs to earn you and prove to you he values you. Beware of house dates (declining them) until you agree you want him in your life and to be his girlfriend.

    Don’t row the boat when you date. It makes you seem needy.

    Have fun!

    #797409 Reply

    Raven

    He’s going to repay you by making you some Orange Juice?!

    #797419 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I posted a reply earlier but it didn’t go through, I’ll try again.

    You posted the “I’m not falling for my boyfriend” thread, right? What strikes me is that this guy sounds pretty awful and you seem to feel quite a bit of disdain for him, but you continue dating him because you’re afraid to be alone. This is what I’m getting from your other thread. You’re afraid you won’t find someone else because of covid restrictions. You’re afraid of what people will think if you’re single. So you’re coming at this situation from a place of fear, not a place of excitement or eagerness or happiness.

    This guy isn’t even sexual with you, according to your other thread. In 6 weeks you’ve kissed a little but you don’t feel physical desire for him, and he seems asexual. You said spending time with him feels forced. He’s boring, he’s cheap, he seems like a bit of a crappy person to be honest, given what you’ve said about him wanting you to buy the $100 ticket but then not wanting to pay you for it. If this is how he treats you at 6 weeks, it won’t get better, believe me.

    But because he’s nice to you on a superficial level– he opens doors, he makes adoring posts about you on social media– you put up with it. He treats you reasonably well (although I question that, because refusing to pay you $100 for a ticket he wanted you to buy is a pretty jerk move). Because it’s better than being alone and you’re convinced people will think something’s wrong with you if you’re alone.

    This is a really messed up way to think! I know Newbie can be blunt but I love her to death because her advice is pretty much always totally spot on, and it’s never delivered with malice. Bluntness yes, but not malice. You are your own worst enemy. You shouldn’t be buying guys’ time or dating guys you feel disdain for just because you don’t want to be alone. It’s OK to be single! In fact it’s better to be single and work on self-love rather than be in this situation. You deserve better than this guy and you know it. And to be fair to him, he deserves to be with someone who doesn’t feel this way about him. And you won’t find it if you stay with him just because you’d rather not be alone.

    #797424 Reply

    Alice

    Not sure if you mentioned how long you’ve been “dating” him but gosh, if he’s this lazy now imagine how he’ll be in a year or two.

    Get out now! If he’s not trying to pull his weight of taking care of you now, it’s only going to get worse.

    #797470 Reply

    Aus

    you teach people how to treat you.

    On YouTube search: Dating advice for Feminists, who should pay for the date. by Shallon Lester.

    #797479 Reply

    Lane

    Sorry but you are taking over the man’s role and why you can’t keep a guy for very long.

    I don’t know where you learned to date but you need to wipe the slate clean and start over! If a man isn’t doing 100% of the planning and paying for what *he deems* to be appropriate then he’s not interested in you that way. A man who is highly interested (in love) with a lady would pawn a valuable just to show her what a great BF he make lol.

    You need to stop trying so hard to buy a BF, it doesn’t work.

    #797484 Reply

    K

    “I’m not a woman who is wined and dined which is fine but a little princessy treatment would be nice.”

    I stopped reading after that line. Do you realize what a passive-aggressive statement that is??

    You’re conflicted plus you’ve got low standards and you’re going to keep attracting stingy, cheap guys with that mindset. You’re NOT fine with not being “wined and dined” at all. You’re uncomfortable with receiving that kind of treatment though because to you that’s “princess-y” and you don’t think you’re worthy of it. You’re putting up with his cheapness and you’re even rewarding him for it by buying expensive tickets for him. You’re trying so hard to be easy to get along with, you’ve turned into a doormat. Sorry to be so blunt.

    I”m absolutely a woman who is “wined and dined.” (And I”m a vegetarian!) I”m a high quality woman – of course a high quality man would want to take me out and show me a nice time. I wouldn’t insult him by offering to pay on a first date or on the first few dates. A gracious thank you is all that’s necessary. If we keep seeing each other then I cook for him or buy things like movie tickets, etc. I only meet on first dates for drinks, keeps the stakes low and meeting time to no more than 90 minutes. If he doesn’t willingly buy me a drink or two, I wouldn’t see him again. It’s only happened twice in my life the tab came for a first date drinks/nibbles meeting and the guy told me my half was $X. Which was fine in both cases because I already knew I didn’t want to see him again.

    I”d save the grand gestures for his birthday and Christmas, if we were dating exclusively. As Lane points out, you’re taking his job. A good man would be embarrassed by a woman spending too much on him and planning all the dates.

    Raise your standard to that level – and you’ll start getting treated better.

    #797496 Reply

    mama

    Your original question was, “How to suggest now or in the future that guys should pay a bit more?”

    Start at the beginning. Try to let go of controlling everything and that will weed out the ones who won’t step up. The ones that are left will be open to talking about contributing $ to dates (provided you stop with the passive-aggressive “just joking” comments. Be clear.).

    #797550 Reply

    Dandy

    STOP IT! Get rid of this guy and try again differently with a new man.

    A man needs to court you and chase you! If he’s not paying for everything, making every reservation, then he doesn’t deserve a woman. Stop rewarding these simps because you’re a total doormat. I don’t know when it EVER became appropriate for a woman to go half or pay for a man. I make over 6 figures but I NEVER pay for a man unless he’s my boyfriend and it’s his birthday. Otherwise, he pays for everything or he’s blocked. Please don’t shame your natural feminine instinct for wanting to live comfortably by being afraid of being labeled as gold diggers or princesses. Men are suppose to provide! You’re the female version of a nice guy. Yuck, totally not attractive.

    You’re this way because of your overbearing mother, don’t end up like her in this aspect. Unfortunately females with daddy issues have a hard time finding a good partner. But it’s never too late to change. Here’s my recommendation for the next man. Leave or it take it but if you want to be with a man who loves you more than you love him, this is what you do:

    -Always let him lead, let him choose the date places and make the reservations
    -Don’t settle for less than a public date (DO NOT go to his place to “chill”)
    -If it’s not his birthday, don’t pay, doesn’t matter how expensive or cheap the date is, let him take the tab. If he asks you to go dutch, block him.
    -Smile, look pretty, and don’t talk too much.
    -If he’s not initiating, move on to the next.

    It’s really that simple, improve your standards.

    #798403 Reply

    Sylvia

    All of you gave great advice and validation that I can be feminine and being courted! What a relief! I felt free immediately after reading your posts. He really is cheap and it could only get worse and I simply can like what I like I won’t pretend I’m someone else. I was scared you’d scream at me that I want a guy to pay and be thoughtful and that’s wrong.
    Small update, I quickly met up with him for an hour and what I got for a present? Apple cider vinegar. Seriously. No flowers. I confronted him later about the flowers and he apologised.
    I was so ready to walk away from him (and still am, I haven’t seen him in almost a week). You know he turned out to be douchy. He played with me (via WhatsApp) like with a dog pretending he had a bone. He mentioned several times he needs to call my mum and I didn’t want him to. He loves when I say “no” that makes him push more. He pleaded and said he was so excited about his plan and in his brain the thoughts are racing and if he does what he plans to do we’d be in our own world for several days. I was connecting the dots. I thought he wanted to propose or take me on a short trip by the sound of it. It turned out he was testing me or whatever! I got another “pre-gift”. He asked me from where I ordered the cake for him. Then he made in Paint my “pre-gift” – a card – voucher to choose with him the flavour of the cake – this time for me. Are we in middle school? Knowing I like getting flowers etc. It’s a little bit on a sadistic side. I stopped replying. Now he’s probably thinking maybe he’s losing me or whatever.. or he’s just thinking about taking me out but I don’t care what he does. He started showing off his work more but it does nothing for me. You can train a dog, he crossed the line and he’s a lost cause. I don’t like him anyway.
    Sorry for a long message but him playing with my emotions and making me think about proposal.
    Now a question – do I announce to the world it’s over? Do I delete our pictures from social media? Some of them are just us being tagged somewhere. I want people to know I’m not taken but on the other hand not appear desperate.

    #798407 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Haven’t you been dating this guy a couple of months? I wouldn’t make a huge announcement about it personally. I mean, obviously you need to tell HIM it’s over, but I wouldn’t worry about making a general announcement to the world. Dump him, let your friends and social circle know that you’re single again, and don’t worry about what he tells his friends/family (you can’t control that anyway). I’d just defriend/delete and untag myself from photos that are out there, if possible. I think making an announcement is too dramatic and gives the guy more importance than he deserves. Just my opinion. It’ll take a little time for the social media stuff to get buried (pics get old and fall of people’s radar) but since you’ve only been together a short while, it shouldn’t take long.

    The guy sounds totally awful, by the way. Good for you for deciding to end it! At best you sound like you two are a terrible match, at worst he sounds pushy and sadistic. That he loves when you say “no” and it makes him push more is just wrong.

    In the future just use this as a learning experience. You don’t even like this guy! He’s already annoying you after a couple months of dating. That’s a sign it’s not going to work. The beginning of a relationship is supposed to be the honeymoon period; if things are going to last into a long-term, successful relationship, you should be head over heels about the guy. If the guy annoys you, then move on! It’s better to be alone than to be with someone you dislike.

    #798409 Reply

    redcurleysue

    Rule one – a man asks you out.

    Rule two – the host pays.

    Only host after 3 dates to one. Then you pay. Always simpler dates – a walk and ice cream. Maybe include a movie.

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