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- This topic has 29 replies and was last updated 6 years, 5 months ago by
Lane.
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Cassie
My boyfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship. He just visited me for a week and returned back home today. His flight arrived late (11:00pm) but he said he would be up and would message me to let me know when he returned and he did. We exchanged a few messages after he landed, but now it has been 3 hours since I responded back to him, and he was not opened my message even though he has been active on Facebook (where I sent the message) several times.
I just do not understand why he hasn’t opened my message if he has been online so many times over the past few hours. Am I overreacting or is my feeling of being upset valid?
Jules
You’re overreacting. You guys just spent a week together. You asked him to let you know when he landed safely and he did that. Now just give him some time to get back to his normal life.
Cassie
I guess I am overreacting, but I just don’t understand why he can’t respond to me then. He was online again 9 minutes ago and it’s 2:39am over here.
Amanda
OMG do you really expect him to be at your beck and call 24-7? Seriously do you? Relax or you will lose him.
Cassie
No, I don’t expect him to be at my every beck and call, but if he’s online until 3:30am why not answer me? If he’s online that long, he must be talking to someone. He usually doesn’t even stay up until 3:30am.
Cassie
I guess I’m just feeling a little insecure and worried because an ex boyfriend cheated on me once and this was how the pattern went. It was a long-distance relationship and he was online for hours at a time on a regular basis without answering me. Turned out he was talking to another girl that he later left me for. So when I see my boyfriend has not responded to me and has been online for hours, and very late (well past the time he normally goes to sleep), it triggers fear and worry.
Lane
Why do you keep getting into LDR’s? Why can’t you meet a local guy so its easier to keep tabs on them and feel less insecure?
I don’t have a clue if or when my BF’s online or not because I have better things to do with my time then stalk a man. We check in at least twice a day, more if I have time as I’m much busier than he is so he understands when I’m not able to respond, and vice-a-versa, whereas neither of us get our panties all wadded up in a ball over it…when we have time or ready to engage in a convo we do, if not, we don’t.
We all have periods where we want to decompress, play games, and do mindless things on the internet and not have to constantly communicate with people, including SO’s. I honestly don’t think your cut out for LDR’s and should stay away from if they cause you this much stress, insecurity and anxiety.
Yeah yeah yeah
That is insecure and controlling behavior. Just because it shows that he’s online doesn’t mean that he’s actually on Facebook/the computer. He could have just as easily left the tab open while sleeping.
Emma
When you see him in person ask him if he saw your message. Then ask why he hasn’t replied. Make it simple, do not overcomplicate things.
If he is your BF, he should have replied, but maybe he didn’t see it, maybe he forgot, maybe something else.
With that said, your BF just arrived from a trip, tired, he let oyu know he is back, so he is busy settling in, probably catching up with things and other people. Why do you keep on messaging him? Maybe this is his way to signal to you to let him breathe a little. This is understandable but not a very nice way. You need to tell him that nicely however, without accusations. As I said start by asking if he saw your message.
Cassie
Lane
I’m in a LDR with him because we met while I was studying abroad in Europe and we plan on moving together in less than a year. Right now, I’m still in Europe (just a different country), but we are able to meet every month.
I’m feeling insecure not necessarily because he’s online, but because my ex would do the same but all the time and it turned out that he was cheating on me. So, if he’s online for hours, why not just say he’s busy and that he’ll message me later? I’d respect that much more than simply being ignored.
Cassie
Yeah yeah yeah:
No, he was actually online. It showed that he was active and then not active for a while and then active again.
Cassie
Emma:
He was the one who asked me if I would be up at 11 and said that we could talk. So I said, yes, I will be. Let me know when your plane lands.
I won’t see him again until next month though. How do I ask that over the phone without making him feel attacked?
Lia
cassie, I understand your frustrations, but until this presents as a problem that’s not fueled by insecurities, you HAVE to let it go. don’t attribute to malice what can be explained by thoughtlessness. if he does it a third time, then you can start asking questions.
also, I’ve noticed that messenger likes to say someone’s been active when they receive a message, plus he just got back home. what if he’s just catching up with his friends or family? could even be talking about what a great time he had with you.
why on earth are you planning on moving in with him though? how long have you known him?
Jan
LDR s rarely work. You have another year of this and better get used to the fact that men are not big on constant texting unless they are trying to win you over or bored. You either chill and deal with the distance another year or you simply date others and see what happens when he returns. You are upset because you tried to engage him when he wasn’t interested. A man needs time to himself, and your question about his hotel room was silly and just a way to keep up a meaningless conversation. So he ignored you. It could go either way. But worrying won’t change anything. And the more you push the more he will pull back. So live your own life and see what happens. It may or May no to work out.
Pamela
The way you are acting, one would think he is your husband. I don’t understand some women when they are in a relationship!! Should this man anticipate your every mood and thought and be in your life just to make you happy fulfill your every expectation?
If It can be so annoying to me a complete stranger I can only imagine how this guy feels. Best to get a life, and stop trying to force and control someone Else’s. He is a boyfriend not your husband you expect way too much.
You said he visited for a week, called when he landed, and you are dying now because he is not responding to you calls and text messages. Seriously??
The guy may be tired,and just want to debrief from visiting you. Give him some time and space to catch his breath. Would hate for him to be my brother with such a controlling and woman like you.
Have some self-esteem and confidence in your worth, do not let everything be about a guy. Who knows? he may have some girl he is seeing in his hometown and even if that is the case what can you do about it?
Chill and relax, and do not come across as so desperate and needy.
Cassie
Lia
You’re right, it definitely is fueled by insecurities though this happened once before and I’ve already told him that i don’t like it at all.
We’ve been talking since May of last year and we started dating in October. So, next year will make two years
Cassie
October of last year
Cassie
Jan
What question about a hotel room? I never said anything about that. And he asked if I would be up after 11 because he said he would probably stay up late and that we could talk. So I said I would and to let me know when his plane landed.
Cassie
He did send me a text to let me know he landed, but afterwards he was the one that initiated the conversation by telling me things that had happened on the plane, and when I responded he left me hanging.
tobogirl
Yesterday, I send a fb message to a friend of mine. She was online for good couple of hours but not responding. Later that day she called me and asked me a question, which was basically answered in my fb message to her earlier that day. I told her I wrote her, she said she hasnt seen it went to check and only then she realised she was online.
These things happen. It happened to me as well that I appeared online for whatever reason with no intention to ignore anybody.
Would you make a big deal out of it, if it was a message to a female friend? I guess not.
In my opinion if your relationship is working, dont overanalyse a message here and there.
Cassie
Tobogirl
No, I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it if it were a message to a female friend. I guess I’m just feeling insecure because of pain in a past relationship and broken trust.
I know he’s not the same person, but my feelings of fear and worry that he was online talking to someone else while he was online for so long were triggered and I don’t know how to overcome that.
Lia
you just distract yourself until the worry goes away. you’ll regret bothering him about it if you don’t get a hold of yourself, because he’s not gonna be endeared to you, he’ll just pull away if you make it a big deal. it’s stupid, I know. I wish people were more understanding of each other, but it can’t be helped.
Honeypie
Not sure if you really realise but someone’s on fb will show they are online on messenger… I’ve checked this out before with friends. So he may not be on messenger at all… rather flicking through fb
Cassie
Lia
You are right. I ended up not saying anything to him, and I’m glad I didn’t. I just casually asked him how his night was and what he did when he got back home.
I definitely need to start working on overcoming my insecurities that I didn’t even realize I had developed from my past relationship. I think a good way to start might be just trying to be as busy as possible and having such a fun and fulfilling life that I don’t even notice or care what he’s up to.
Earlier this year and last year, that’s how it went. I was so busy with college, that I just enjoyed the relationship, but didn’t really focus on it because I had other priorities. So, I also far less committed emotionally.
But now, I guess I have a bit more free time and so these insecurities that I didn’t even know I had are surfacing.
Cassie
Honeypie
Thanks! I actually didn’t know that at all. But, I did ask what he did last night and he said that he was watching YouTube with his brother, so I guess that would exlain why he was online and offline throughout the night.
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