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- This topic has 14 replies and was last updated 2 years, 8 months ago by
tammy.
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Gigi
So I know this is not a good situation but here it goes. Been basically on and off with someone for 2 years. Every time the relationship gets too serious (like discussing marriage) he freaks out and we break up then a few months later he asks to get back together. He insists the reason he freaks out is that I want children and he doesn’t, however I think it’s more than that. He’s divorced (married for almost 20 years) and I think he’s just not ready to get married again even though he insists that’s not the case. I do believe he loves me, but I also think he’s trying to wait me out on the kid thing, like waiting for me to give up wanting a child, or waiting until I’m just at an age where it most likely won’t happen. I’m not dead set on children but I’ve told him I don’t want to be with someone where it’s not even an option. I guess I’m at a point where I just don’t know what to do, we love each other, we’ve both tried dating others but it just doesn’t work out I guess because we’re both still in love with each other, and we’re just perfect for each other personality and character wise. Any advice would be appreciated.
Gaia
How long do you want to keep doing on again off again? You clearly have a major life goal that you cannot compromise on. That’s a huge compatibility issue that can turn to resentment later on. You want kids and he doesn’t. There is no waiting around for him to change his mind. You will be disappointed. He seems very clear on this.
Maddie
Someone can love you but not be compatible. If he hadn’t finished dealing with his feelings about his divorce or the issues that led to the divorce, and/or he never wants marriage or kids and you do, then your life goals aren’t compatible even if day to day everything seems fun and good. Don’t discount how important having compatible life goals is. If you were with a different guy you were into who also wanted these things, would you have hesitation and doubts about eventually being a wife and mother?
It’s more likely you’re setting yourself up for a lot of resentment like Gaia said. Doubly so if you think he has unspoken and unresolved relationship issues from his past.
Raven
You are wasting your time with this guy/ letting this guy waste your time- WHY?
AngieBaby
What are your ages?
If you keep up this pattern with him you WILL run out of time to have children.
I just said this to someone else – until you decide what you want and stand up (or walk away) to get it, you will be operating by default on the man’s system and timeframe. It’s on you to be clear what you want in your life and communicate about it and set boundaries about it.
Love is not enough to sustain a relationship, especially if you don’t want the same fundamental things.
You didn’t say how long he’s been divorced. If it’s recent then it’s very likely marriage is not on his mind. Some men don’t ever get married again. Is it important to you to get married?
It honestly doesn’t sound like this man is serious about you, but wants to keep you around on his terms.
And I’m with Raven – WHY are you wasting your time like this??
Gigi
I’m in My late 30’s he’s in his late 40’s
He’s been divorced 3 years. I do think he wants to get married again eventually, just not sure when. He’s the one who brings up the subject of marriage 90% of the time, and he constantly tells me he can see himself marrying me.
Part of me thinks children may not happen for me either way, and I may be giving someone I love up for something that may not happen. If this was 5 years ago, I probably would’ve had a different outlook and just walked away.
mama
My partner is very anxious about getting married again. We’ve been talking about it and I can see how it worries him. (Lots of backstory to that.)
But here’s the thing. We talk about difficult things and he doesn’t break up with me. He has my back and I have his. He doesn’t disappear, I don’t disappear. He doesn’t shake the foundation we are building together. He’s here and we are working through this hard part together. And I don’t even know if I want to get married again either! But we are work through it TOGETHER.
That being said, Love doesn’t mean you have to be with that person. Love is not always enough. You can love someone and have it not work out.
It sounds a bit like you are romanticizing this endless cycle of getting together, having reality hit, then breaking up, then getting back together again. You have a CHOICE. You can choose to love him and NOT get back together and find someone who will match your life goals in a more compatible way. You want a child! He does not! It’s basic incompatibility!
You might want to look into sunk cost relationships and how the sunk cost fallacy might apply. You’ve invested all this time into trying to make this work and your emotions are influencing your decisions. You think you *need* to make this work.
Maddie
It’s a huge red flag that he’s in his late 40s yet when you have serious conversations he freaks out and breaks up with you, instead of having a mature and balanced problem-solving conversation that feels resolved after (even if the resolution is not what you were hoping for, such as you’re not compatible in your needs). I don’t think the problem will just be about kids, I suspect he’ll most likely find another excuse if you take that off the table because he’s got other issues that aren’t actually about you.
If you really decided you don’t want kids, would he be all in committing on a timeline that’s reasonable to you? Have you had that part of the conversation, “what’s next for us if I choose not to have kids”, and seen any actions to back up his words that he can see himself marrying you? In my experience, there’s been a humungous difference in my exes who would throw around talk about it but not do anything seriously about it and my boyfriend now who takes firm actions moving us towards marriage.
And the other thing to ask yourself is, are you feeling like your window is closing and there’s a scarcity mentality, that you won’t meet a guy in the next couple years to try with, so the part of you that thinks it’s too late is actually making a fear-based decision? Or are you really at peace with this, even if you meet someone 3 years down the road and, say, adoption would be an option, you’d rather pursue this current situation instead?
These are hard questions to ask yourself and may be uncomfortable, but don’t sell yourself short.
Ewa
this is what I find frustrating about women… a guy would never ever give up on his goals for a woman, ok maybe some would but most guys wouldn’t, so why you as a woman want to give up your dream of having kids for a man who doesn’t want them? OK you are right you might not have kids but you won’t know until you try and this guy is not for you. He isn’t even mature enough to talk to you , he just breaks up , another thing I am pretty sure he will be keen to get married but not with you, he keeps coming back because you let him , simple as that
Gigi
Update:
Well I barely heard from him last week after we saw each other. Friday night after no hearing from him all day? I finally got up the courage to text him and told him not to contact me anymore and that I was done (I’ve never said anything remotely like that to him before), I then went and deleted him off all my social media (another thing I’ve never done before) since I know he had always had a habit of looking at my page and liking my posts. He never responded to that text which is just as well, I feel like I’m finally ready to close that chapter
Maddie
I’m sorry, breakups are always hard. But it sounds like you did the right thing, and stood up for yourself and your needs. After you’ve had some time to get over this, I hope you find what you’re looking for!
Gigi
I’m really ok, we haven’t been officially together in almost half a year so it doesn’t feel like a breakup. Just feels like I have cut out someone from my life who I’ve probably been using as a crutch on some level. Yes, he meant a lot to me at some point and I do still care about him but that doesn’t mean he needs to be in my life. Every time he broke up with me deep down I knew I’d hear from him again in a few months, I knew he’d like my posts on social media, and I wanted that. I don’t want that anymore so I had to put an end to it.
tammy
this was long overdue. you finally did the right thing. now only thing is in case he gets in touch with you again, would you be able to ignore him and his messages?
Gigi
Tammy,
I feel like something in me clicked this time around. This guy gets a kick out of toying with my emotions. I’m pretty confident I can ignore him from here on out if he ever tries to get in touch with me again. Like I said, I’ve never actually told him to never contact me again until now, plus the deletion from social media I feel sends a clear enough message to him that I want him to stay out of my life.
tammy
well u need to ensure you maintain a distance and not engage in case he ever gets in touch again. i think he might since that has been the pattern with you guys. its important for you to cut off completely, mentally physically and emotionally, if you want to meet someone nice and have a proper steady relationship with another man. this was just dragging on and on but leading nowhere.
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