This topic contains 6 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by M 1 month, 2 weeks ago.
August 11, 2022 at 1:07 pm #935614
Last year I met a guy I was very attracted to on a dating app. I hadn’t dated in years as I rarely felt into people. I was also very scared of getting hurt.
I felt so happy and comfortable. For the first time ever I loved sex and we had a good connection. Unfortunately I did all the work and effort like planning dates as I really liked him. I think I loved him as my feelings were strong but his personality changed and he became quite critical, negative and at times he was manipulative. I shopped loving him and lost all attraction to him so I felt so icky.
He dumped me and said he only dated me because he was lonely. For the next 6 months1 felt so adequate and depressed. I couldn’t stop thinkingabout him. But, this month my depression l has eased and I feel great! Ire started new hobbies and working out regularly. However, I have zero sex drive and l don’t feel any attraction to anyone at all. This is worrying me much As I am scared I will never feel it again. He was my dream man looks wise and right now I feel like I couldn’t be with anyone else even though I am over him. Is this normal after a break up and especially after getting so hurt?August 11, 2022 at 4:17 pm #935618
It is normal to not feel attracted to others when you are still emotionally unavailable yourself. You are feeling better overall, which is great, but it sounds like you still have lingering fears about relationships and issues with low self esteem and with trust. These probably existed before you met your ex, which is why you were attracted to a guy who wasn’t emotionally safe for you to trust to begin with (he did not deserve your trust as he didn’t put in enough effort and then treated you poorly). It sounds backwards, but sometimes when we are very afraid of things, we seek them out without meaning to as they fit our worldview. You were scared of getting hurt in romantic relationships and then were very careful until you found a guy who wasn’t all in and hurt you again, which fits right in with your fears and validates them. So on some level you can think, I was right and this proved it again, dating hurts! It is therefore normal and no surprise that you are not feeling attracted to others right now while you believe this will keep happening and perhaps it (falsely) feels like all you deserve.
This will not last forever, and there are ways to address it so it stops being a problem and you find yourself attracted to men who will treat you well. Have you ever spoken to a therapist about this? A good one will speed up the process of sorting out your fears, which will help you in many ways including making dating better for you.August 11, 2022 at 4:34 pm #935619
I’m definitely feeling happier. It’s just concerning me that I don’t look at any men and feel any desire. With my ex, I used to swoon and get flutters just from looking at him. I’m swiping on the dating apps … should I feel desire and ‘flutters’ down there just from their photos?
I just can’t find my type on thereAugust 11, 2022 at 4:45 pm #935620
Please do not take what this man said as truth! Firstly, people say mean things during breakups that they don’t mean and his seeing or not seeing your value is actually irrelevant to your value. A rolls Royce doesn’t feel bad because people buy Toyotas!August 11, 2022 at 5:20 pm #935621
There are other merits beyond looks…
I have a friend who ALWAYS went for the pretty boys. They treated her awfully & were abusive.
Now, she’s with this guy who isn’t so pretty. He treats her like a Queen!August 14, 2022 at 9:31 am #935636
Maddie – I love your post, you’ve just helped me shift perspective on something completely unrelated! Thank you 🙏💛
Smiley, I went through something similar once. The abuse I received in and after then end of the relationship caused such inner trauma, even though it wasn’t obvious to me and I thought I was doing okay. One of the symptoms was a complete disinterest in men for a significant period of time. I actually went completely off them and even when I came across very attractive men they evoked zero desire or interest in me.
This was definitely odd because my nature is happy and smiley and I loved the idea of romance still. In my more honest moments I actually felt secretly sad and heartbroken that I would never find a guy I liked or loved enough to desire to be with them, or the love I once dreamed of.
Don’t worry Smiley, time is greatly healing and this too shall pass. When your heart and psyche have healed, you’ll meet someone and those wonderful butterflies and excitement will be back, I promise! They haven’t gone anywhere, it’s just that your inner being needs You to show up for You at this moment in time.
Do the inner work as you’ve been guided to. It’s worth it, because once your heart and psyche have healed and love comes to find you again, you want to make sure you choose well and wisely this next time round.
Be kind and gentle with yourself, you’re going to be okay and your love life will be okay too. Even though you can’t imagine it now, you will have the happy safe and exciting love life you always dreamed of. It’s your destiny. And the way to claim it is to prioritise Self-Love first.
Fall in love with yourself first. The guys will come later.August 14, 2022 at 9:37 am #935637
PS I love TallSpicey’s Rolls Royce analogy! 💖🌟💖
And Raven’s highlight that there are qualities much more valuable that external looks alone to search for. True beauty and attractiveness is an inside job. Don’t be fooled by the pretty shiny wrapper – it’s what’s within that’s the prize! 🌟💖🌟