Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › No Experience – Should I just jump in?
- This topic has 10 replies and was last updated 3 years, 10 months ago by
Liz Lemon.
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Line
I’m a 28 year old woman, who has really no experience with the whole dating/love/sex, but I’m ready to start that part of my life. But I find it difficult. Let’s just use an example. I’m on Tinder and I’ve matched with this guy who looks fantastic and we’ve written a bit back and forth. He’s very sex-oriented in his messages. That part doesn’t really bother me, since it’s a match from Tinder and that app is not exactly known for being where most people find real love. I feel like I can never get the right answers across when writing him back. Maybe because I’m all new to this. His profile text doesn’t hide that he’s not really looking for anything serious, as he writes that he’s mostly looking for something casual that can evolve into something more.
So really. My question is basically this: having no experience whatsoever should I just jump in with whatever? Up my texting in response to his messages and if it becomes a possibility then meet up and be good with whatever might happen that day?I hope someone has some advice or something.
tammy
I suggest that you let this one go. need not be someone who is looking for a relationship but atleast let the first time be with someone who is sensitive and mindful of your feelings and inexperience. you will meet others.
Newbie
Safety comes first. So if you meet always do in a public place. Use your brain. If you want a few casual hook ups for experience i wouldnt pick them from tinder but from people you meet in your daily life. Getting casual sex really is very easy, so no need to meet a total stranger for it.
Think about what you really want. If it is to find a romantic partner then start to read up on how to date, how to weed weirdo’s, how to act etc. This site has good articles. The site baggage reclaim has good info on what guys to avoid at all cost.
Last, you need to be in a good and confident mode to date otherwise you will just attract a bunch of flakes. Its a reek what you sow kind of thing.Lane
Do not start out this way, or you are going to fall into a lot of dating bad habits, that will take a major toll on your self-esteem if you aren’t prepared for a lot of rejection.
This man wants to use you for sex, that’s it. He is looking for some sexy time and will not treat you like a human being, but an object he can use to get his rocks off. If you like being used, then tossed away, like yesterday’s trash when another VG takes your place, then go forth.
Do you have a good father? Brother, or male role model you can go to? Men are really good at sniffing out the losers, and would probably be best at guiding and helping you navigate the dating field so you don’t step on too many mines, such as the one you are getting ready to step on.
Online shouldn’t be your primary source of dating. Its best that you start out in the real world, first, in order to get a good benchmark of the caliber of men you will be more successful with before throwing yourself into a pool of sharks. Just strike up a conversation with guys everywhere!! While getting your oil changed, at the park, local event, grabbing some food at the restaurant bar, friends BBQ/party, etc…you get the gist. Learning how to talk to them in any setting, will improve your chances of meeting a decent guy because you aren’t in a certain “mindset” such as *catching a guy* so it starts off organically when the tow of you are just being your natural selves. Think of how you met your best friend—that’s how you should meet a good partner. :o)
Liz Lemon
I agree with the others– this is a bad idea. If you’re inexperienced with love/dating, you shouldn’t “just jump in” with someone who has made it clear he only wants sex. Like Tammy said, you should date someone who is understanding and will not take advantage of your lack of experience.
You said “I feel like I can never get the right answers across when writing him back.” One thing you should know when dating, you should not date someone who makes you feel that communication with him is muddled. No matter what you are looking for- whether it’s sex, or a serious relationship, or something in between- you should always date someone with whom you have clear, comfortable communication.
It’s easy for you to say now that it doesn’t really bother you, but it’s a totally different situation to be emotionally caught up in an entanglement with someone who is basically using you for sex. Since you’re inexperienced, you have no idea how hard you might fall for this guy, or how intensely you might get caught up. That stuff is real and it happens. This forum is full of women who thought they could just do a FWB/sexual relationship with a guy, and wound up catching feelings, and are then heartbroken when the guy doesn’t reciprocate the feelings.
I would advise you to venture into the world of dating with someone who is not so clearly after a sexual relationship. You need to gain experience with someone who will be considerate of you. There are guys like that out there. (In fact I know several people who married guys they met off Tinder– not everyone on dating apps is only out for sex, at least not in my city).
Line
Thank you for the advice and comments so far.
As far as I know myself, I wouldn’t jump into sex first time I meet someone, but I guess one never knows. I don’t really have a good male role model anywhere in the family, so I’m a little on my own with regards to weeding out the good ones among the bad.With regards to communicating with this particular guy, or really any guys, I still feel out of my comfort zone. I often don’t know what to say to start a conversation, hold a conversation etc. this really applies online as well as offline. I find it hard. Especially when it comes to flirting. But maybe this is just something that requires practice.
Liz Lemon
I don’t think anyone is implying that you would jump into sex the first time you met the guy. What we’re talking about is (eventually) entering into a sexual relationship with a guy who is only looking for sex. Your lack of dating experience will probably make it difficult for you to regulate your emotions and not get attached to him.
If you are not comfortable with basic communication and flirting, it’s even more important to date guys who are sensitive to your inexperience. I understand dating and making conversation with strangers can be awkward! It’s definitely something to practice.
If you’re only talking to one guy right now, I would advise you to keep searching for other guys who are more open to taking it slow. Not all guys are just looking for sex. I met my boyfriend on OkCupid 2 years ago and we had very nice, non-sexual dates where we just talked and got to know each other before it eventually got sexual. There was a strong attraction, but he did not push me or act overtly sexual in any way.
Like I said in my other post, there are nice guys out there that you can practice going on dates with, who will not make the tone sexual. Before I met my BF I met plenty of nice guys who I did not strongly connect with and did not want to continue dating, but still had pleasant dates. None of them were sexual with me from the beginning. It’s up to you to choose the types of guys to talk to when online/app dating. You don’t have to entertain guys that just make it about sex. In fact given your inexperience, I would recommend NOT entertaining guys who are strongly sexual.
Anon
Oh! Please don’t make some of the mistakes that most of us girls have made in the past.
Don’t start off with a guy who is looking only for something casual and is all keen about sex. No. Let your first few dates be with men who are nice, understanding, polite, and won’t want jump right into sex very soon.
Check out other guys who would be happy to take you on coffee or for lunch or in other public places. If it works out, then go for the second date. If a few dates work out, then consider dating one guy more often … Move like that. If a date doesn’t work out, let it go and try other guys. Plenty of fish in the sea.
Because if the first few dates or relationships might not go well or be disappointing, that will affect you negatively very much. In the worst case, you will be made to feel like you are not good enough. It can be very hard, so don’t go for this guy.
Kim
Hi lovely girl! I was the same as you just a few years ago. I started dating quite late in my 20’s because I had other issues to work out beforehand so I was never really in a place for a serious relationship. I have never been the type of girl who was ever looking for something casual. I always knew I was looking for a serious relationship or nothing.
I would say you need to figure out what exactly you are looking for. Are you just looking for something casual? Or looking for something potentially serious? If you don’t know what you want in that regard some men take advantage of it and see how far they can push it.
If you are looking for something casual maybe Tinder or the like is ok. If you’re looking for something more serious try meeting people at maybe common interest groups that you may go to?
Conversations online don’t need to be over complicated. Just ask them about their interests or how their day has been. Maybe to find some common ground to break the ice for a conversation starter when you do finally meet up.
You need to make sure that you and whoever you’re seeing are on the same page and are looking for the same things. There’s no point in continuing to see a guy who does not want a serious relationship if you do want one.
Line
Thanks again for the new comments. I really do appreciate it.
I’m quite sure, that I would never want something casual, definitely not here at the beginning of my dating life. I think that I just read a lot into whatever guys put on their profile. Like this guy saying that he’s looking for something casual that might evolve. I think, I focus a lot on the evolve part, and I need to get better at seeing the whole picture, and not just what works for me :)I find it difficult looking for something serious outside of tinder. I’m currently living far out in the country, where the options aren’t all that great 😂 But I’m moving in August to a bigger town, and I might have to start striking conversations at the supermarket or the gym there to get outside of Tinder.
Sometimes it’s easy enough for me to start conversations online. But I always get somewhat discouraged if I ask a simple or totally random question (cause sometimes it’s just boring to ask the same old questions of ‘what do you do?’), and I just doesn’t get a response. And double texting is supposed to be bad 😅 I mean, why do guys swipe right, if they don’t wanna talk to anyone anyway. They could probably get their egos brushed another way.
Liz Lemon
People always say to try to meet guys at the supermarket or gym or whatever, but how often does that really happen today? It might happen once in blue moon but in reality most people these days don’t meet their significant other through a random encounter at the supermarket. They either meet at work, through friends or hobbies/activities, or online. So don’t beat yourself up if you don’t meet the man of your dreams in the produce section one random day.
The truth is, a lot of people meet on dating apps or online dating sites. A lot. Also, online dating can really suck. So it’s important not to get discouraged, and to take breaks if you feel like you’re getting too negative about it. You will meet a lot of guys who are just looking for an ego boost. You will meet a lot of guys who are not a good fit. You just have to keep trying. (I met my current boyfriend of 2 years online, and I know lots of people who are in serious relationships or married to people they met on Tinder or other dating apps– so it can happen).
Just think of it as a tool to meet guys, but don’t depend on texting/messaging to get to know a guy or build a relationship. When you do click with a guy, try to get out and meet the guy in person relatively quickly, rather than spending a long time messaging back and forth. There are women who text guys for months rather than just meeting them in person- never do that. A guy who isn’t willing to meet you in person relatively soon is just playing games and looking for an ego boost. The point is to date, not text! Good luck. It does take practice. It will help to move to a bigger town where you have a bigger dating pool, too.
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