Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Newly engaged w/a soon to be step daughter
- This topic has 52 replies and was last updated 2 years, 6 months ago by
Amy.
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Liz Lemon
I don’t see anything wrong in buying her a ring (or necklace, or whatever, if the OP is uncomfortable with a ring) to celebrate the creation of their family. Not a matching engagement ring, but a celebration ring. But some would not agree. To each their own. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong when it comes to that.
I do however agree with mama that the vastly differing perspectives between the OP and her fiance are the problem. You seem to be on totally opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to his daughter.
One year of dating is not long, and two months of interaction as a family unit is nothing. It seems you don’t know this guy as well as you thought you did. I assume you don’t live together, but have you spent a weekend together as a family unit? Have you slept over/spent the weekend while the child was there? My bf’s son will crawl into bed with us on a Saturday or Sunday morning. Would you be OK with that? Honest questions. You will see a whole different side of this guy and his daughter if you spend a few days/nights together.
Maddie
I’m a little concerned that he said if the situation was flipped, he’d not be dealing with you as a single mom. Is the core issue that you feel your boundaries aren’t being respected / there’s clashing with his parenting? Or that you don’t think he’s showing up for you and respecting you enough in general to feel secure going into this blending of families? So what others are reading as you being strict is actually you trying to re-balance the power dynamic of the romantic relationship? Sorry if that’s way off-base, but I see needing to accept a double-standard as a pretty glaring red flag generally. And I’m trying to parse out if this is just an issue of you and him needing to find common ground and mutual respect around parenting styles and accompanying romantic relationship boundaries in that space only, or if there’s more to it than that.
Either way, it doesn’t change my advice throughout this thread which is figure out what you want and what you want to live with and keep honest and open communication going on with him about it.
Amy
Interesting mindset I think. Agree that culture may not an issue especially I come from a non-western background too. As mentioned above, it’s more about different parenting styles and values that require discussion, compromise, and an empathetic ear.
I agree that it could be misleading for the dad to get another ring for his daughter, I find the ‘boundaries’ set by the OP very rigid and self-centred. It’s not her words (of being kind to the kid) but her attitude. I was completely ok with my partner’s kids asking my age. All in all, the only thing that we need to teach our kids to be kind, and responsible, polite but yet not to be manipulated.
I have never been harsh on this forum (I could be wrong as I don’t know the OP), but I feel for the young girl in the post. It’s completely ok to have her visiting her new home. Final decisions can be made by the two adults though. Lastly, it’s completely ok for being inquisitive at aged 8.
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