Newly engaged w/a soon to be step daughter

Example 1: we’d recently looked at a new construction, home we want to purchase…just looking and haven’t made any decisions as of yet. After we got engaged my fiancé mentions taking his daughter to see the house so that she feels included. Once he said he told her we were engaged and she said they should buy a house and I could have my own room… I first told him i didn’t think that she should be involved in the home this early on. Later after we’ve made a decision he should tell her something like “Daddy and Miss Nina have built a house and I want you to see it. The fun part is you can pick any room in the house and it can be your new bedroom”.

I’ll add– I think the father/daughter dynamic is very different from the father/son dynamic. If my bf had a daughter, things might be different for me. As it is, his son adores me & often competes with my bf for my attention (lol).

Your bf probably has to navigate things delicately because he has a daughter & doesn’t want her to feel she’s being replaced in his heart by another female, if that makes sense?

I think getting her involved so early on before he and I have even had the chance to decided whether we want to move forward with purchasing the house is a bit premature. We should decide first together as adults soon to be husband and wife and daughter can choose whatever room she wants as her own. This would be our house together and that needs to be made clear.

If there’s no enmeshment or codependency going on between them (which both have scientific definitions), it should be fine. But if you have drastically different parenting styles, boundaries, or expectations, it’s good to discuss those things prior to actually getting married. Aside from that, you can’t and shouldn’t try to control his relationship with his daughter, but you should try to get to know her better and become another adult she can trust (unless you’ve already together discussed and agreed upon a different way that you want to integrate into her life).

I’ve know her father for over twenty years, since we were kids. We grew up together dated through college. Lived our lives and re-connectied. It’s been a little over a year since reconnecting and I met his daughter for the first time maybe two months ago. Now I’m spending more time with her. We have a good relationship to start, no issues there at all. I really like her. I just feel it’s best to get certain things out in the open and discuss them before getting out of hand and it’s too late. I don’t mean to sound so nit picky.

He was receptive and is fine with that.

The way I read what you said, your level of thoughts on this are more of second mother than step mother. It is reasonable for a parent to bring their child to see the houses, and for you to be so up in arms means that you need clarity on the difference. You need to remember, that child comes before you every time, when they are a minor. It changes as they get more independent, but they should be the focus (with boundaries of course).

I agree the child will always come first but that doesn’t mean that doesn’t mean his 8 year old daughter gets a say over a house he and I are purchasing with my name attached. If this is the case, he should buy a house for just he and his daughter. That is where I was getting at with that particular scenario. As far as kids, I do understand. Just because someone doesn’t have children doesn’t change your views or what’s right or wrong as he’s mentioned to me when he asks me for advice. Most of the time, I keep my mouth out of things such as him telling me he told his daughter his salary. I never commented but of course had an opinion that he involves her too much I. Adult topics.

I thought he was just showing her the house? The scenario you posted didn’t make it sound like she had any say over the purchase. I thought he was just showing her so she could feel “included”?

If you think he involves her too much in adult topics– there’s really nothing you can do. This is the way he parents her. I suggest thinking hard about whether this will be an ongoing issue in your future marriage. I don’t mean to be a Debbie downer. Just think if this is something you can live with.

Andrea: That is definitely not the case, I’m really not sure where I’m here you’d gather that impression. It’s probably best I stop posting, thank you for your comments.

Honestly this is why I think it’s important to get to know and develop a relationship with a partner’s child well BEFORE any talk of engagement or marriage. You’re already engaged but you only started getting to know his daughter a couple months ago, and now you’re finding you’re uncomfortable with his dynamic with her. This is not going to change. If anything as she gets older, her involvement in his “adult issues” will only get more prominent. I suspect he’ll ask and value her opinion about things, etc.

I’m not saying this is right or wrong, it’s just how it is. If you don’t think you can live with it, then you should think about whether creating a family with this man and his daughter is something that will make you happy. Again, I’m not trying to be harsh, I’m speaking as a parent who is in long term relationship with a man who is also a parent. The parent/child dynamic is going to be a huge factor in your relationship. You will have to make peace with this if you want harmony in your marriage.

Andrea: That is a very ugly and narrow minded way of thinking. I’m not sure where you came up with that feeling. That is ridiculous.