New Long Distance Love Help


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This topic contains 7 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Tallspicy 1 month, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #827994 Reply

    Tati

    Simply writing because just looking for some advice. I am about a month and a half ago I started talking to a man that I met online that lives in a different country, we have never met in real life. Background on me, I am a 30 yo female who lives in a major city in the US where dating is very hard. I was in long term relationship that ended 3 years ago and since then have tried dating. I have tried meeting people locally but most of the men I met where either looking for sex or not who they said they were which prompted me to putting my dating profile on global. 

    From the very first couple of days that I started talking to him, he was instantly interested me, asking a lot about me, saying a lot of sweet things, asking would I ever take him or relationship seriously even though we were so far apart. He also mention his last girlfriend (they broke up 2 years ago) also lived in another country (both of them in Europe though) and they dated for three years, so doing long-distance didn’t bother him. Regarding us, he is six hours ahead and that sometimes left massive gaps of time with little to no communication.

    Long story short we talked romantically for about three weeks but I feel I was just feeling very overwhelmed by how nice he was and forward he was with his feelings he seemed, insecure, unsure and just very anxious. I also felt he wasn’t communicating as much as I would like, also wasn’t really trying to initiate FaceTime or phone calls which I thought were important. We talked on the phone only one time in the 3 weeks, other than that its was just all day texting. When I mentioned the lack of communication bothered me on a couple occasions, he would try and pick up communication but also said he’s not super into being on his phone all day which I can respect. 

    But by the end of the 3 weeks, I felt so upset about my needs not being met that I ended up telling him I couldn’t do this anymore then went on to accuse him of a lot of things that I honestly don’t even think are true. I have trust issues and I don’t think it helps with the fact that he’s so far or again, wasn’t communicating in the way i feel he should have. I said things like did he have a secrete girlfriend or was he hiding something (again, I don’t actually think that). We didn’t talk for two days after that conversation and on the third day I sent a message apologizing to him for basically questioning his character. Since then, it’s been 3 weeks and  we are still talking but it has never been the same. He is way more distant than before, still replying but sometimes takes hours or days. But he never mentions anything romantic anymore or how hes feeling, how he feels about me, etc. I seems more just like friendly but I don’t understand why he’s still writing if he’s uninterested. Also, how did his feelings switch so quickly from one week to the next when he was so ready to ask me would I ever take him serious.

    My question is, did I ruin it completely by being so needy in the beginning and/or is there a way to get it back to how it was in the beginning? Also, is it even worth it because honestly the distance is a huge factor and I don’t think any of us would be willing to move. I think the reason I’m having such a hard time letting go is because I haven’t met anyone I’ve liked or clicked with since my last relationship which ended 3 years ago and he does seem like a nice guy who aligns with some of the things I’m looking for. Just feeling confused….

    #827998 Reply

    Newbie

    I think moving to a global dating profile was a horrible idea. Even if it was difficult locally. You could have taken a break, expanded your perimeters a bit. But you cant expect to find a partner on the other side of the ocean. And i am european and my man is american. And now with covid its even worse. I think you got in a funk, found yourself a Nice guy on your phone and mistook that for a true bf. And he coudnt even feel your needs communication wise (Yes that was needy and most likely caused by him just enjoying a penpal and you thinking you have a bf). Now i know im a bit harsh and its just to make you aware you are hiding behind your phone. Dust yourself off and go back to dating locally. Or just go do stuff guys do like certain hobby classes. Dare to go outthere again. Sure someone will notice.
    When it comes to this guy. You cant check much. He can be married, can be a woman etc. And you wont meet plus he is already pulling back. Lose his number

    #828000 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Firstly hugs. Secondly, the hard truth…. Can a man change his mind in a week? You answer this if it was you:
    A. Did a man you are just talking and are in no way committed to tell you they wanted you to call more and not meeting their needs? Did he expect a level of communication more appropriate for a committed relationship than just getting to know each other? Yellow flag.
    B. Did a man you are just talking to and are in no way committed to accuse you of a bunch of stuff that is not true and accuse you of seeing other people even when it is none of your business? Because you are in no way committed and have never met. Double red flag.

    I too would lose interest over these two things, especially the second one.

    I am sorry, this man is the least of your challenges. You need to work on you and your trust issues because those have nothing to do with him.

    Long distance will not be ok for you with this or any other man I think. It just requires comfort in being autonomous and not engaging all the time. You are clearly anxious attachment and need someone who can be more attentive. No one makes you safe, you make you safe. If you want something you ask for it and if they don’t give it to you, you walk away, not tell them they are awful.

    #828003 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Everything Newbie said. This guy is a stranger, you don’t know him. This situation is going nowhere. You are wasting your time if you continue with this guy, or with guys on the other side of the planet that you most likely will never meet.

    You said “I think the reason I’m having such a hard time letting go is because I haven’t met anyone I’ve liked or clicked with since my last relationship which ended 3 years ago and he does seem like a nice guy who aligns with some of the things I’m looking for.” It’s easy to click with someone that you don’t know over the phone because you can project a lot of fantasies on the person. He is telling you what you want to hear. You are hearing what you want to hear. But it’s all a fantasy. You don’t truly know this person, you’re just building him up in your head.

    It’s good that you have enough self-awareness to know what the problem is (that you can’t let go of this guy because you haven’t clicked with anyone since your last relationship ended 3 years ago). I’m surprised you say you live in a major US city but dating is hard. Dating is easier in big cities. You are probably under pandemic restrictions now (I assume) which makes it hard to date, but that’s temporary; the restrictions will eventually be lifted. I don’t understand how it would otherwise be hard to date in a large city. Dating is a numbers game and there are more people and more things to do in a large city.

    I like Newbie’s suggestion of maybe taking a break from dating; you should definitely narrow your parameters to limit yourself to guys you can actually meet in person (whether that means within 100 miles, 200 miles, 300 miles, whatever). Honestly it is hard to truly click with people when dating, I do understand that. But you want a real-life relationship, not a virtual one. So you should focus your energy on local-ish guys, or at least guys you have a chance of possibly meeting in person.

    #828005 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I cross-posted with Tallspicy; she has great, very valid points too!

    #828006 Reply

    Tati

    First, thank you all for the fast reply’s.

    1. I don’t get offended easy so blunt works for me :)
    2. I did confirm he was who he said he is by looking into his Instagram and Facebook. We would also send snaps (selfies, nothing weird lol) which can only be taken in real time so I’m not necessarily worried about that
    3. I was the one who said I wanted him to communicate more and also accused him of random things because I was triggered by past events that I’ve experienced while dating the last 3 years

    #828007 Reply

    Tati

    Liz lemon,

    Thank you for your response. And I live in Miami lol. Not exactly the place to find people who are looking for a serious long term relationship or also men who have their stuff together. If you’re looking for a good time, a party, or a 30 year old man who still lives at home and is “self employed” or an “entrepreneur” which always just equates to Being jobless, then this is definitely the place. I’m originally from New York and have lived here for 3 years and haven’t experienced anything like i have trying to date here, it’s very discouraging.

    #828030 Reply

    Tallspicy

    I know you were the one, I was gut checking with you if you would think your behavior might turn someone else off. And to me, the answer is yes.

    Again, your triggering is not his fault, it is yours to manage. He did nothing wrong from what I can see here for a man you have never met and are not committed to.

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