Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › My close guy friend's girlfriend hates me, advice needed.
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Nathalie.
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Star
Hi!
So, cutting right to the chase. I have a guy friend who I am very close to, we do have some sort of romantic history. He has a girlfriend now, who fights with him all the time regarding me. I am aware that it’s completely difficult to know that your boyfriend is still friends with an ex, but he is the type of guy who is still friends with all of his exes, so I’m not one of the only exes he still speaks to. She hates me so much. I haven’t actively done anything to harm their relationship as I truly want him to be happy with whomever makes him happy. He has told me that she will never ask him to end the friendship with me however, she picks so many fights with him regarding me that I am sure either his relationship will suffer or my friendship with him.
He has told me before that even when other girls flirt with him, she doesn’t have issues with that. It’s like all she sees is me, even though I keep to myself when I hear the things she’s said about me.I guess my question is… am I to see it from her side and back off and let them be so that she won’t pick fights with him or should I stay his friend because both of us are really important to each other.
Jeh
I think it’s his relationship and choice to make. Not yours.
Charlotte
I agree with Jeh. It’s time for you to back off. Maybe his girlfriend is insecure but we don’t know how often you guys are talkin. I’m friends with some of my exes, but we mainly get together for coffee or a drink between relationships. If we are in relationships, it’s just a catch up text here and there. Why do you need to be so close to your ex? There’s always going to be some sexual tension there – I think it might bother me too if my boyfriend was tight with his ex.
Charlotte
Also, if it’s hurting his relationship why would you continue to pursue a friendship?
redcurleysue
If you truly want your ex to be happy back off.
You know your relationship with him is causing problems in his love life…and it does not matter if it is innocent. She is supposed to be his priority…you know this.
You and he are over…make it so.
Send them a Christmas card once a year.
Lane
We all have different boundaries but if I were in your position I would back off by saying “I enjoy our friendship but I enjoy seeing you happy too and with the current state of affairs with your girlfriend I need to step back in order to reduce any further animosity or friction between the two of you.”
Nellie
Back off.
Pandora
Do you know the girlfriend in person? Do you hang out together?
If you are so important to each other with your friend, and there is nothing romantic left in your pure friendship, then go out together, with your boyfriend as well, have some drinks and be nice and attentive to the girlfriend, so she knows that you are a friend who is wishing them well as a couple
but, if you have still any romantic feelings towards the guy and you have an agenda, then just back off
Star
Let me start by saying that I do appreciate all the advice I am getting but I do feel like most of you are thinking from the girlfriend’s perspective.
Yes, I do not wish to harm his relationship and for that sake, I will back off.
But yeah, I feel like you ladies are thinking of it from the girlfriend’s perspective, I am expected to throw away a very valued friendship because of an insecure girlfriend, easy to say but not easy to do. Because unfortunately we do live in a world where relationships are prioritized over friendships, but well, if that’ll cause him less issues, so be it.@Pandora, no I don’t have any agenda, we are just friends.
@Lane, I like what you’ve said.
Thanks for the clarity on the matter.
Mary
Good friends are hard to find. I agree with Lane. Talk to your friend. Don’t just fade out on him. Let him know you’re his friend and you support him being happy, so you are backing off, but let him know you are still there if he needs you.
Either the gf will start feeling more secure and your friendship can resume or she’ll find something else to feel insecure about and he’ll realize she’s to controlling.
Kate
Personally I would back off. You need to see it from your friends perspective, he loves this girl (clearly otherwise he wouldn’t be pulling back from the friendship) so he is pulling back from you in order to keep the most important relationship in his life… I appreciate what you say about friendship but at the end of the day its not like he’s thinking of starting a life (marriage & kids) with you as he is with her. So yeah the romantic relationship will take president, it would be weird if it was anything otherwise.
You say that she isn’t jealous of other girls so she isn’t insecure. Maybe she’s picked up something from you or from him that doesn’t sit well with her. Coming on to a dating site and talking about your ex (contrary to what you may say) smacks at someone who is clearly still into the guy. He is happy and you need to move on.
Star
Thanks for the input Mary and Kate.
Kate, I guess I don’t have to convince you that I am not into him anymore but each to their own. The only reason I came onto this site to write about it, was because I wanted objective opinions and didn’t want to be stuck in my own mind about it. I didn’t see it as a dating site but, merely a platform to express something.
b
a platform to express yourself? this is a forum for LOVE ADVICE.
stop being one of those girls and back off. this may be an insecurity thing, or it may be a case of you being the annoying ex who won’t stop clinging onto a friendship (with the hopes of keeping one foot in the door with your ex).
get some new friends and stop latching onto a man you slept with and had an emotional connection with. he’s with someone else, not you, and if i were his girlfriend i’d probably feel the same.
Star
Does it make you feel good bashing girls online “b”?
I guess I had to know there would be at least one girl who assumes that they know the whole situation without even knowing what type of person I am.
Half of the time many of you are making girls feel a lot worse about what they share instead of giving your advice in a compassionate way.
b
i’m sorry the truth hurts you so much, star. i’m sorry that you view honest feedback as “bashing”.
no, it’s called a wake up call. you’re not a priority to him anymore and you need to respect him and his new girlfriend and back off.
Kate
The thing is Star, this is a dating sit and you’ve posted this under mixed signals… and I have to tell you his signals are pretty clear. Maybe your relationship didn’t work out, maybe you even ended it but the fact that your on here in the first place eludes to the fact that you probably regret the relationship ending on some level, I’m assuming that is what his girlfriend has picked up on. As for him he’s clearly made his choice, he is telling you his reasons for pulling back on the friendship (probably because he feels guilty towards you) but his actions are what you should always trust and he remains with her. So rightly or wrongly he has made his choice. You trying to cling onto the friendship will just get you hurt in the long run ESPECIALLY as he is the one who told you why you can’t be friends… I mean why are you clinging on? It’s just odd.
Personally I would save him, you and her a whole lot of grief and just back out gracefully. If she is as bad as you claim she is then things won’t work out, if your wrong then he is moving on to a happy and healthy relationship and as a friend you should respect that and be happy for him.
Whether it’s the friendship or a romantic relationship you miss doesn’t make a difference, you need to get over it.
redcurleysue
I think it is interesting that you would put your friendship on the same plane as a significant other.
Do you believe that if this guy had a male friend and his GF did not like how much time they were spending together that the male friend should hold his ground and say…”hey, that is her problem.”
Look, we all need friends, and none of us are daft enough not to realize that opposite sex friends can be dicey. We inherently understand that not played right it could get ugly fast.
Anyone who cares about their friend does not put them in a tug of war situation…that hurts the friend.
Amy
You can’t expect to stay that close to an ex. We all move on. He did. Do everyone involved a favor and let go gracefully.
kaye
I was in this exact situation as the girlfriend. When I started dating my husband he was very close friends with an ex girlfriend he had dated many years before. They worked out together every day, would hang out at each other’s places having drinks, would go to the movies together on the weekend, grab dinner, etc. He explained to me from the beginning that the two of them had agreed their friendship was important. He said we’ve agree if I ever date a girl who has a problem with our friendship then she’s going to have a problem dating me. And he went on about he’s dated women who were jealous and insecure and he’s not going to go through that again. So from the very beginning it was a weird situation for me. I tried to be cool with it and understanding. And everyone who saw them together or knew them said they were just friends and I had nothing to worry about.
But as time went on it started wearing on me. They saw each other almost every day and talked and texted every day. I had my kids every other week so I didn’t date on the weeks I had them for the first 6 months we dated so she saw him more than I did. Whenever she needed help with something or needed anything she called my boyfriend. If she was having car trouble, if something at her place broke, if she needed anything he was her first call. There were times when I felt like her needs came before mine. Finally one afternoon while he was at my place she kept texting and I told him just to call her. Of course she wanted his help with something again and he ended up talking to her for 15-20 minutes while I just sat there. So I finally got up and walked off and when I came back I hear him telling her she can have something of mine I had gotten for a project. I was livid! He told me he would get me some more but she needed them right now and I had it for weeks and hadn’t even started on it yet. Well that was the straw for me and we got into a huge fight. He said I had an “attitude” when it came to her and if it were any other of his friends I wouldn’t have been acting that way.
At this point we had been dating 9 months and talking about a future together and marriage and him spending time with my kids and I decided I was either going to stand up for myself or have to live the rest of my life like this and that wasn’t happening!! I told him I was tired of him accusing me of being jealous or insecure when it came to her, that he wasn’t going to find another woman to date who would be as understanding as I was about their friendship and how they saw and talked to each other every day and I was tired of feeling like I wasn’t his priority. I was very distant and short with him the next couple days.
He called and told me he wanted to talk. He came over and told me that I was his future. And he didn’t want to lose me and that their friendship wasn’t as important to him as I was and if I said for him to stop talking to her altogether he would. That I was his best friend now and he wouldn’t risk losing me over this. I told him I wasn’t telling him not to talk to her but I wasn’t going to continue with the way things were. He made the choice to ignore her calls and texts and gradually distance himself from her. First it was every couple of weeks they would talk, then every couple of months. Now I don’t think he’s talked to her since Christmas.
I didn’t hate her or anything like that. I never said a bad word about her. But she certainly never made an attempt to be friends with me. And she would barely acknowledge my presence on the couple of occasions we ran into her when we were together. I was mainly irritated by the fact she leaned on him for everything and expected that I would be like all the other girls he dated. He would date me a few months then break up and they would go back to being close friends and spending all their time together. When they didn’t happen I felt like she resented me and was intentionally wanting his attention to get under my skin. He did ask if she could come to the wedding and I said no. But we actually did have another of his exes at our wedding because they worked together for almost 20 years!!
Oh and I almost forgot how I got the point across to him the easiest way about how understanding I was about their friendship. I told him I was having an ex boyfriend who was an electrician over to the house to help me with a project. He didn’t want him coming over there and us being alone together at my house and didn’t understand why I couldn’t get someone else. I said because someone else would charge me and he’s a friend and he’ll help me out for free. I mean when she calls you wanting help with something you go over and help her and are alone at her house. Why is this any different when it’s me? Game…set…match!! :)
Yeah yeah yeah
Back off for now. If the friendship connection is strong enough, the guy always comes back around. Wish him well and tell him you value him as a friend.
Girls like that rarely work out in the end. If she’s that controlling concerning friendships, she’s most likely very controlling in other areas and the guy will eventually resent her. Unless she is the love of the his life which is rarely the case.
I have had this scenario play out several times as the “close female friend”.
Ash
Have you ever met her in person? Has he offered or attempted to introduce her to you?
Pandora
Star, can you please answer if you know her in person? do you hang out together? why dont you get together more often, you him and her and maybe your boyfriend, so she can see, that you are supportive of their relationship?
surely when you see her, you can act nicely to her and she will be okey
I think its a good idea, but only if you really dont have an agenda and you can try to be good friends with her as well…. they are together, so your friend now has her
Yeah yeah yeah
I would be curious as to how long they have been dating? The girl my friend was dating started trying to control him within 2-3 weeks. They broke up 4 times within the last 3 months and he expects me to resume our friendship.
If it’s a relationship with no real future, I wouldn’t even bother trying to be friends with the girl. However, if it’s a solid relationship and he actually seems to like the girl, then try to befriend her.
Phillygirl
This is not about a jealous GF. This is all about respect and healthy boundaries. All relationships, including friendships have an ebb and flow.
And IF she is overreacting, you backing off could fix that…or he could realize the GF is possibly the issue and do something about it. Not your battle, not your concern.
Sometimes, and sometimes for long periods of time, other things and people take precedence of our time and attention. A true friend understands and respects this, and knows when to back off.
A friendship, like any kind of partnership, also takes TWO people willing to put in the effort. Sometimes we have to know when to accept a relationship is not a top priority, or it’s dynamic has changed.
I have many guy friends, and I always try to consider their wives/GF’s in my interactions and amount of contact with their guy. If I would find someone intrusive in my relationship with someone I’m dating, I keep that in mind in how I behave (on the other side of things).I pull back so I don’t make anyone uncomfortable. That’s called respecting someone else’s boundaries.
Even if you don’t think it’s intrusive, if she and he DO, you need to back off and take a hint.
She is one of his main priorities now, and you are not. While it’s okay to be a little stung, if you are really his friend you would have made a real effort to make her comfortable and be her friend to, or wish them well, and back away.
If you do, he might just come back on his own, or not. If not, the friendship has outlived itself, and it happens.
Kaye’s example is a perfect lesson in many key areas. She exercised clear, healthy, reasonable boundaries, explained why the ex-gf/friend was out of line, and refused to accept it. Good for her! Her hubby realized this “friendship” was crossing multiple lines, and placed his “friend” as a lower priority and placed Kaye as one of his top priorities.
I was in a similar situation like’s Kaye’s and I handled it very similarly. I was willing to lose the relationship over it, because if he had let that happen, it would have shown how little respect my guy had for me.
All any of us can do is define our standards and boundaries, and be true to them. It is not our responsibility to force anyone to do anything. All we can do is determine what we will, or will not accept. Including knowing when to walk away, if necessary.
When someone does not respect someone else’s reasonable and practical boundaries, and demonstrates little to no respect or concern for a friend’s relationship or their now partner, they are not being a good or true friend.
That doesn’t make the GF a jealous beast. It just means in a situation like this (or like Kaye’s) a woman has self-respect and good boundaries, and isn’t afraid to state them. A man who really cares for and loves his GF does not allow others to come between them. And of course I am not saying you should not have friends outside of a relationship. I am saying you need to prioritize your time, and what place people have in your life.
Sometimes people behave in way that shows there is a reason to question their motives or actions. Sometimes it just means we are observant, and uncomfortable, for just cause.
I’m not saying you are like Kaye’s husband’s ex, but I am giving you food for thought. If you care about him, either try to be her friend, or just leave them alone.
If he’s your friend, he will get it all straightened out and be back, but it just may mean your friendship is different. That is life.
Star
I mean, there are so many details that I just haven’t added because I wanted to keep it to the point.
@Pandora, her and I have met actually, we knew each other before they got together. In fact, she knew of our romantic history, I confided in her about something, which she blurted out to people and soon after that I stopped being her friend. I had no anger towards her, I simply let her go as a person in my life because I wasn’t able to trust her any longer. Soon after that, they got together. I even wished him all the very best in his relationship as I knew she could make him happy.
But, after that I heard what she had been saying about me, I even tried to reach out to her and just talk about the possible issue, but she was hostile towards me and it put me off.
It’s really hard to be nice and wish good things for people who do not even attempt to fix a problem when you try to.I really have no agendas when it comes to this guy at all, I enjoy his company and he enjoys mine. He has told me that he never wanted to lose me.
@Yeahyeahyeah, they have been together for about 8 weeks now, but she’s had an issue with me since like 3 weeks into the relationship too. I mean, I understand that she just fears that something may happen with us but it won’t and both of us have tried to reassure her of that, but I guess she’d just feel a lot better if I was eliminated all together.
He has decided to stay out of it and have us sort it out amongst us, which isn’t going too well.
She has made several remarks to several ladies in his life, but according to him, her issues with me go far beyond. When I tried to speak to her and ease the situation, she said she had no issues with me, but later that night proceeded to argue with him over me in his life.
Also, thanks to everyone for their input, some of these comments were truly worth reading.
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