This topic contains 22 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by S 4 weeks ago.
April 22, 2019 at 9:57 am #746971
So I’ve been having an inner battle with myself on how I should “appropriately” react/respond to my current situation. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We are both in our mid-30’s. He is the one and I love him dearly.
However, there are times when we are with our friends and he makes comments that kind of make me cringe. For example, the other day we were out with friends and I ordered a round of shots – something I do pretty often (I like to make sure everyone has a good time!) and he made a comment, “Geez, no wonder you have trouble saving.” I was mortified he said this – only one friend was around to hear that. She didn’t seem to even notice/care but I was just annoyed he said it. Especially since it’s not really true. I should be better at saving but I have a great job and no issue with my finances/savings. I confronted him about this later and he said “I guess I was just trying to say, maybe you don’t need to buy all those shots but it came out differently.” There were a few other comments like this, i.e. he was poking fun at me because I was drinking slow. It all bubbled up and we had a huge fight after we left the bar.
Am I overreacting or do you think there could be a bigger issue in our relationship? I just don’t know why he thinks it’s ok to say certain things sometimes, especially when we are in public.
Help!April 22, 2019 at 10:05 am #746973
Throwing money around in a bar is not ladylike. You’ll be lighting your own farts soon.April 22, 2019 at 11:17 am #746994
Have you talked with him about this when you’re not in a bar?
What is his relationship with money?
Does he try to control you in other ways?April 22, 2019 at 11:21 am #746996
We have talked about it. He does not control the way I spend money but I think he would prefer I save more so we can eventually buy a house / raise a family / etc. I know he’s right and that I spend on more than I should, so I don’t completely disagree with him but he shouldn’t be airing out my dirty laundry in front of others.April 22, 2019 at 11:25 am #747000
Are you engaged?
Is he saving for your goals?April 22, 2019 at 11:27 am #747002
Not engaged yet but will probably happen soon. Yes, he is definitely saving for our goals.April 22, 2019 at 11:27 am #747003
good luck :)
Sounds like he has issues that you may or may not have talked about together, directly. But what he’s doing with these comments is a bit passive aggressive. Like this is bothering him but he’s not able to talk to you directly about it, so he makes snarky comments in public where he feels like embarrassing you will get his point across
Sounds like you guys need to have 2 talks: 1 about finances and the 2nd one about him making comments about stuff that bothers him — that’s a really bad habit and communication pattern and you guys will want to nip that in the bud before bigger problems come to play.April 22, 2019 at 2:30 pm #747029
Better off single
Also, make sure the person is really into you and not just keeping you around for company until something better comes along.April 22, 2019 at 2:33 pm #747031
I see why you you feel hurt, but hear me out. You are in your mid 30s, not mid 20s. It is time you start thinking like a responsible adult. LOL It is not only about money, it is also about your health. You are a female, if you want to have babies, you need to care about your health. The notion of having a good time should also evolve to something more…sophisticated than getting drunk shoveling shots down your throat LOL
With that said, what other “embarrassing” things he says about you? If there are not related to health and finances at at the root, then maybe he is not 100% sure about you as his mate. If however, all his remarks can be said to come form the same type of “cause” (you not being responsible for your age), then I think he has a point. He shouldn’t be saying it in public, so he is being tactless no doubt. He should tell this to you in private. All you need to do is talk to him about it. His issue is easy to fix. But how easy it is to fix yours?? LOL.LOLApril 22, 2019 at 2:53 pm #747033
The two of you have been together for 3 years, you’re planning a future together and he is the “one” for you. I also suspect if you two hadn’t been drinking this wouldn’t have escalated into a fight. As with me and my husband there are sometimes he can make comments and they don’t bother me at all and I laugh them off or rib him back and other times I’m not in the mood and it hits me wrong.
I expect this was one of those times for you. You admit buying a round of shots for your friends is something you do often. Shots aren’t cheap and depending on how big a group of people and how often I can see how he might see those habits of yours as negative when you want to save for a wedding, a house, a family. I think the fact he was right is what bothered you most. Because you say only one friend could have heard and she didn’t seem bothered or maybe didn’t even hear so in reality he’s not embarrassing you in public if no one else hears it.
The reality is, you may not always have a great job. You could get laid off or decide to work part time or even decide not to work when you have children. I think what he said hit a nerve with you because it was true. You don’t need to buy shots for your friends for everyone to be having a good time. And then when he made a comment about you drinking slow that was really nothing but it just added on to the fact you were already annoyed with him and you let it escalate.
I do think you’re overreacting because I don’t think in a few weeks from now you’ll even remember this incident. I don’t think it would hurt to tell him to refrain from saying those things in public because you would never call him out in front of his friends. Explain if he has an issue to pull you aside to talk about it. But if you make a habit of going out drinking in public and doing shots often then sometimes drinking brings out the worst in people.
If you can’t come up with any other examples of him embarrassing you in front of your friends in 3 years then I think this was a case of the truth hurts. And the two of you need to get on the same page financially to have a future together. Fights about money are some of the most common.April 22, 2019 at 2:57 pm #747034
Has he said this before and you’ve ignored him? Most people try to fix something in private but if they feel ignored then they will use another tactic such as this to get your attention. If not then it should be discussed in private and set some goals that the two of you are working towards together. Of course your friends weren’t bothers by it; they get free shots and would probably only care if you stopped haha.
FYI, finances is high on the list of compatibility and if you two don’t have a clear financial plan or similar spending style and gold then resentment builds an could very well culminate in a divorce. So how important are those shots to you???April 22, 2019 at 4:31 pm #747046
Geex… They’re not engaged yet & already y’alls planning her divorce?!April 22, 2019 at 4:59 pm #747047
Men are instinctively suspicious of ‘party girls’.April 22, 2019 at 8:01 pm #747072
Maybe he’s just bad at joking around. Does he also put himself down with little jabs when he’s making a joke? Could be as innocent as that.April 22, 2019 at 8:48 pm #747079
I would say,
“next time you have a negative opinion about what I say or do, when we are out with our friends or in public, kindly keep it to yourself, and we can discuss our ‘issues’ privately.”April 23, 2019 at 12:20 am #747098
It’s not surprised that some males are misogynistic, but I notice there’s a certain female here seems like suffering internalized misogyny, constantly talking to other women with a condescending tone…April 23, 2019 at 12:34 am #747101
Wow. It’s not ANY of your business how this person wants to spend her money. She wants to buy shots for the group? A w e s o m e. As she said, she has a JOB and feels SECURE about her finances. If she were spending your or his money, y’all and him would have a point. As it is, it’s just him being tasteless and rude and controlling. This is his bad. Don’t let people control you. This is your life, and if you have your $ in order, you work hard for your money and should be able to do as you please with it.
Like you guys don’t spend frivolously or buy toys? I bet he does, too. This is hypocrisy because YOU don’t think ‘shots’ are a good expense…But who asked you??? She asked about his tactless/rude behavior.April 23, 2019 at 3:07 am #747106
is it usually just you paying for rounds of shots for all? or even your friends do the same? if all the friends take turns to pay, then its only fair that you pay when its your turn. and his comment in that case would be very petty. but if only you end up paying most times for shot rounds than his irritation makes sense.April 23, 2019 at 9:44 am #747125
Leslie T- I couldn’t give 2 sh@ts as to how she spends her money!! The point is the man she plans to spend the rest of her life with has a problem with it! And actually being able to understand things from the perspective of your boyfriend/fiancé/husband is a key skill to learn. It helps not only in a relationship but in life!!
In my business understanding the perspective of the other party you are dealing with and what they want is crucial to closing business deals. It’s the difference between a successful business and a failure. It’s the same with relationships, seeing the other parties perspective creates empathy and understanding. Maybe you should try it sometime.April 23, 2019 at 10:04 am #747130
It’s nothing to do with buying rounds of drinks, how she chooses to spend money or how she uses too much salt in her cooking.
Her boyfriend expresses his negative opinions of her actions in public.
He needs to zip it, and discuss his issues with her privately, and she with him.April 23, 2019 at 10:13 am #747132
Crisula to me it sounds like they were both drinking and she got her feelings hurt. She’s not even sure the ONE friend who MAY have heard him even did! How can he be embarrassing her in public if the “public” doesn’t even hear him???
If this is the only example she can give in 3 years then it’s not a very good one. And picking on her for drinking slow doesn’t sounds very “ominous” to me either. If this is all she can come up with then she’s making a mountain out of a molehill.April 23, 2019 at 10:25 am #747134
Kaye, I reread it. I agree .April 23, 2019 at 12:15 pm #747146
Thanks everyone. There are more examples of saying embarrassing things to me in public but they were either not a big deal enough for me to remember now, or I was maybe overreacting. I’m a very sensitive person so honestly things get to me pretty easily. But overall I just want my bf to be a reflection of me (and I think I’m a laid-back, nice, fun person) so when things like this happen I worry what others think of us.
Agree that there are some underlying financial concerns that are coming out in the wrong way, and we’ll take that issue in private.