This topic contains 22 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by anon 3 weeks, 6 days ago.
May 16, 2019 at 5:18 pm #750227
I have been with my boyfriend for six months. Five months were great, I struggled with some of my troubles from the past though and it a bit interferes at times, especially when he wanted to remain friends with his ex and I couldn’t deal with it, but he compromised with it and we reached agreement.
I’ve met his family and all the people important to him. He said and showed he loved me in all that time. Then there was a shift, we’d had a rough couple of weeks where things weren’t so easy, and since then it hasn’t been the same. He’s been less attentive, quick to take offence and a little irritated at times for no real reason.
I’ve felt a bit on edge rather than easy like I used to with him at these times. Last week we had a conversation whereby I told him I recognised my stuff from the past and how it’s affecting my relationship with him, and that I was going back to counselling to deal with some of this. That conversation didn’t go well, I said some stupid things about how hard it is for me to be in a relationship and I’m better off alone and asking him if he thinks we’d be better off as friends.
We went out tonight and he said he doesn’t feel the same, that that talk keeps repeating to him and he hasn’t felt the same for a couple of weeks now. He doesn’t understand as things were great, but he said he just doesn’t know what to do but be honest with me. I said immediately we should have a break, that I knew he wasn’t himself and I wasn’t happy with the man I was with these past couple of weeks, and wouldn’t settle for what we’ve become. So that’s what we are doing. A two week break.
I miss how we were so much. I know I can’t be in the relationship it’s turned into, but I’m wondering if anyone thinks a break will actually help us stay together? He said there’s no reason for us not to contact during this time, but I’ve said we should have a NC break till we meet. I’ve already broken this so I’m not doing well. His responses to my breaking it are polite but five nothing away, considering I’ve said I miss him he hasn’t said that back for instance.
Is there any chance of turning this around? Doesn’t anyone have any experience they could share either way?May 16, 2019 at 5:49 pm #750231
The only chance is that you do not reach out, keep zero contact. But if you already reached out I think there is no hopeMay 16, 2019 at 5:58 pm #750235
We’re only a day in to it though, so I won’t be doing it again. Does it make that much difference do you think?May 16, 2019 at 6:34 pm #750238
Yes! That makes it worse because it shows you couldn’t even go a single DAY without contacting him. Had you waited it wouldn’t have been so bad however if you meant to go no contact you shouldn’t be in contact at all. You’re coming across as needy which will only drive him away more.May 16, 2019 at 6:48 pm #750241
For one thing, obviously, you’ve got to give him a chance to miss you.
This is the time the saying put on your big girl panties really applies.
You have to be strong. The stronger you are, the better chance he will want you back.
Of course you know he’s been unhappy and considering what it would be like to go through a break up.
You know men will compromise and say things like it’s just a break, or, we can still be friends, etc., etc. My point is, be strong, stay away and give him time to think and miss you.
Don’t contact and push him to say things he doesn’t mean.
If he sees you with busy life, spotless house and car, just started some new and interesting hobby, a happy person, that will be more attractive to him than you calling and crying every day.
Buck up, and get into those big girl…..May 16, 2019 at 7:55 pm #750248
You were the one who started it all by saying you should be alone and couldn’t deal with your feelings. You also suggested the break. That’s pretty rough for him and tells him you aren’t all in which is why he has the change of heart. Would you want to be with someone who blurts out she wants to be alone. Why should he continue to invest if there’s the chance you could do this again. You have to be careful what you say because you can’t take it back. Your messaging is mixed and not sure what you hoped you would accomplish by having that conversation. These things do not make people feel closer to each other. Especially such a short relationship with not a lot of history to bond you.May 17, 2019 at 4:48 am #750258
Ladies you are of course right. I will now ensure I don’t contact for the remained of the NC period. It’s still practically two weeks.May 17, 2019 at 7:36 am #750265
I’m sorry but I think you need to stop talking so much about problems and learn how to LIVE in the relationship and enjoy the time you spend together.
Men are good at supporting their woman in some areas and ways, but most are not trained nor knowledgeable to help in areas that requires a professional so you should really seek them out to talk and lean on in these cases. When you say things like you did you can never unsay them…so you better mean them or don’t say it all.
I’m suspicious that this may have been ‘a test’ that you used to see how much he loved you and it backfired. Men call what you did “emotional vomit” (not kidding) and its the WORST way to deal with a man. Either way, I highly suggest you use this time to get yourself in a better head space and mindset by not talking to him and digging yourself into a deeper hole because I do know this, if a man truly loves you he will fight for the relationship…if he doesn’t he won’t. You need to be prepared for the latter based on he feel’s about you now.May 17, 2019 at 7:52 am #750266
I did have experience with this, but after being with him for 3 years. Things were not going well, I felt he was not truthful so I called him out on it, had a huge fight where I threatened to break up. He said fine let’s break up. As Lane said, I was hoping he would try to work things out but he ended up agreeing to a break up which I didn’t want. I learned you cannot make someone do something by manipulating them with your words. Anyways, I ended up trying to reconcile because literally a week not talking to him and being with him was horrible. We never set a 2 week NC though.
I wanted to try again, but I left it up to him to want to try again. I told him if he didn’t want this, I’ll walk away and move on. He contacted me and as the other poster said, if he loves you he will fight for it. Well, we both have been fighting for it for a year and it’s a strong relationship, but a very different relationship than what it used to be. It took a lot of self reflection and personal growth on my end for this relationship to be where it is.May 17, 2019 at 8:48 am #750269
Im not sure if i understand the timeline here. You had a talk tonight about a break and you insisted on going no contact and broke it already? Thats fast. I also feel you are using it for the wrong reasons: improving him or the relationship. Good relationships dont need breaks. You talk when there is an issue.
From what i learned here there are 3 major hickups in a timeline to a relationship to fully evolve: the first few dates, the first 3-4 months and 8 months to a year. After 3-4 months it becomes clear a guy really feels he can make the girl happy and 8 months to a year if youre both really compatible.
In your case there have been bumbs about the ex and you questioning his feelings for you and you trying to push him away. That doesnt bode well for the future of your relationship and i dont think a 2 week no contact will make or break it.
You have insecurity issues and i think going back to counselling is a wise move. You can use the time to reflect on your behaviour and understand your role in this break.
Or: be a grown up and apologize and tell him you didnt mean to push him away. That these were your own fears that have nothing to do with him and that you prefer to communicate if he wants to, to see if you two have a future.
Going no contact to make him miss you, is a kids game.
So i would pick strategy 2 here but its all up to youMay 17, 2019 at 10:50 am #750276
‘I’m sorry but I think you need to stop talking so much about problems and learn how to LIVE in the relationship and enjoy the time you spend together.’
Yes lane, I do indeed. Can’t argue with that. I have tried to work on myself, change is really hard and counselling in the past has helped a lot, which is why I’m going back to it. I was going back to it before he said he didn’t feel the same any more and doesn’t know what to do about it, it hasn’t been triggered by that. Honestly, I don’t know if someone gets back to feeling how he did – it’s not like there’s disagreement about something- this is feelings andif you don’t feel it anymore then you don’t. He said he loves me, but it isn’t enough. I don’t see that a break will help with that. He said a couple of days ago that he had wondered where we were going, but also said that he hasn’t liked a woman like he does or felt like he did for me for years and he wanted to give it his all. Then three data on he says he doesn’t feel the same anymore
My gut says it’s over in realityMay 17, 2019 at 4:36 pm #750298
It could possibly mean he simply fell out of love and it happens. As much as it hurts I would make him feel that it is okay to say so.
When you sense that this is what’s happening in a relationship the idea is to remind each other of the whole point we got together in the first place. I go out on a well deserve romantic getaway just the two of us and just be stress free and talk about dreams and future goals etc. And while we are away together who knows what things he can spill out to me etc. So I try that first. And if things remains the same now I ask him if this is not want he wants anymore. Questions likes this really makes him think. It’s nonjudgemental and very understanding. And then you can decide on a break or a break up.
But anyway since you’re already on that break then stick through it. Let him miss you. Show him what it’s like to not have you in his life. But also bear in mind that this time is also for YOU to think it over if this man is really what you want.May 18, 2019 at 4:11 am #750340
Thanks ladies. I’m managing to stay NC and think about if this would be workable now anyway as I’d struggle to come back to a relationship where a partner said he loves me but it isn’t enough.
@anne-Ohio, the big girl pants comment is getting me through often ! It is indeed time to put on my big girl pantsMay 18, 2019 at 5:43 am #750344
Hi. Tell me more about the ex thing. Could they be talking and going back do you think ? Why do they still talk and why couldnt you deal with it ? A xMay 18, 2019 at 10:27 am #750367
Well basically, he was wth his ex for 18 months, then they broke up, then a couple of months later they got back together again and moved in in the hope of it working out. Six months into that they split- he said it wasn’t the same and once he novelty of the new situation of living together died down he realised it was a mistake so they split, he moved into the spare room and rented from her for six months before moving out and getting his own place about two months before we met.
He remained friends with her and there was loads of contact which I wasn’t comfortable with. So he reduced it right back to almost nothing, just happy birthday and politeness if she contacted. He says there’s no one else, and I believe him. It was her birthday recently and he told me he’d wished her happy birthday and she said thanks and there wasn’t anything more. He’s never lied to meMay 19, 2019 at 2:15 pm #750433
So I noticed today that he swapped his WhatsApp picture to one on his own. I guess it’s pretty clear what way this is going for him. I haven’t contacted.May 19, 2019 at 7:44 pm #750454
I’m sorry to hear this. I do think that you telling him you aren’t in good shape for a relationship and need to be on your own may be one of the drivers. When a man feels he can’t make you happy he will disengage.
Perhaps in your heart you really don’t want to be with him or as others suggested you were testing to see if he would reassure you and it backfired. Time to deal with your issues and insecurities. It sounds like he may be taking to heart what you shared with him. And maybe you should too.May 20, 2019 at 5:45 pm #750563
I was looking for words of reassurance from him yes, for him to say no don’t be silly. Not to test as such in a set up precalculated way, more worried that he felt a certain way and I wanted reassurance, as I’ve said, I have difficulties that show themselves when I start to feel close to a man. I think many of you are right, he felt overwhelmed and detached as a result. It is highly likely over. I haven’t contacted and neither has he since I broke NC.May 20, 2019 at 6:01 pm #750565
You were testing him. You just don’t see it that way. Threatening to break up or saying the things you said make him think you are the one who doesn’t want him! Can you see this?
You don’t understand how men think. They don’t think like women do. If you were to say to a girlfriend that you weren’t up to being friends anymore, that woman would have sat you down and talked it thru and tried to convince you otherwise. That’s usually how women think.
This is not how men think. They listen and then later process in their own minds what they heard and attempt to problem solve on their own. Then they come back to you with solution(s). In your case he thought over what you said and decided you were right. If you aren’t up for being with him than he wasn’t going to make you do what you say you aren’t capable.
This is why when you toss out threats or words you don’t really mean in hopes it will illicit reassurance it usually backfires. That’s what seems to have happened here.
Best advice is not to do this in the future if you want to be with the guy. Learn to deal with insecurity from within. Reinforce the positive things he does that you like and this will encourage him to do more of it.May 20, 2019 at 8:17 pm #750581
Better off single
When I tell someone they’re better off without me, I mean it. I’m a nut case. I’m a selfish pos monster and so fn boring. It wouldn’t be because I didn’t want him, I dont know how to change. I could get the awesome body, still would have the cobwebs and gloomy fog in my brain.
So take care with the words you speak to your man. Building him up and being happy to have him by your side is the best way to go.May 21, 2019 at 4:12 pm #750751
Thanks for all the time people have taken thinking and replying to me. I appreciate it.
Doesn’t anyone have advice from here now? I will be NC till we meet now. Is that best? Then what? Is there any way back or does it look like he’s done whichever way I now act.May 21, 2019 at 4:18 pm #750752
I think he got in too soon after his ex. Two months after moving out is a bit soon. And all the contact they had before, I dont get that with an ex. With exes you quickly remember the good and forget all the bad. You probably dont match up sad to say as he is forgetting all her bad points. I would consider this over and start rebuilding your life as a single person. xMay 21, 2019 at 4:21 pm #750754
I’m not sure what else you are looking for. I know if a man loves you, he will fight for the relationship. The no contact allows him to miss you and realize he wants to fight for it. He’s most likely working through his feelings about everything and you should as well. No contact also helps you realize this may be something you do not want. I know someone posted something awhile back that if you’re in a healthy relationship, it’s not that hard. I think that’s something to think about.