Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › My boyfriend never wants to get married?
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Rachel.
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Rachel
This is a little lengthy, so please bare with me because I could really use some advice because there are multiple concerns I have along with this, not just the marriage part. My boyfriend is almost 21 and I am 22, we have been dating not too long since Labor Day weekend. However, we have been in the talking stage/seeing each other very casually since May but he had never made it official until September. It seemed out of nowhere so I was shocked, but I said yes because I’d thought he finally made up his mind. I had suspicions something was up because in the two weeks before we locked it down, he was cancelling multiple times, or postponing because of his work schedule which he didn’t used to do in the past. I found out through one of our mutual friends that apparently, he connected with this girl he used to work at another job with who just got out of high school and had been going out of his way to see her before she left for college. This, naturally upset me because I felt like second choice but we had a long discussion and he told me that they were never actually dating and he broke it off with her, although he didn’t say why, and even showed me their text messages where she told him goodbye and to take care. This happened coincidentally Labor Day weekend. While it bothered me that he only locked it down with me pretty much right after he and her ended, I decided to let this go because our relationship has been fine and he’s been a good boyfriend. However, this is where the marriage issue came in.
A few nights ago, my boyfriend, his friend, and I went out for drinks with a few other people. When my bf left briefly, the friend and I were both tipsy and somehow, started talking about the girl. I’m just gonna call her Julia. His friend has a tendency to overshare when he’s drunk and he told me what my boyfriend had said about her that left me feeling incredibly uneasy. Apparently, when the friend and him were having guy talk about chicks or whatever, my bf said that Julia is the girl he could see himself ending up with because just like him, she never wants to get married. The friend quoted my bf “I never want to get married and neither does she, if I’m gonna be with anyone when I’m 60, it’ll be her.” I do try to keep in mind that he did say this before we started dating and I know I might be silly for taking this to heart because really, you can’t hold a girl to what she says at 18 or a guy at 20 for that matter. But still, that is an incredibly strong statement for someone like him to make. Because our relationship is still fresh, I wouldn’t even think of bringing marriage up, but now knowing that he apparently, never wants to marry anyone, AND on top of that, what he said about Julia…I have absolutely no idea what to think. I don’t know how to approach him without coming off as insecure, but now I’m starting to wonder why he even chose to be with me. Or if I am just his second choice.
Padmini
Hi, Rachel,
Yes, that does sound rather concerning.
I recommend that you approach your Boyfriend with all you found-out and ask him to clarify how he feels regarding Marriage in general and also Julia.
It should be completely understandable to him that you would ask all that since that information was thrown onto you; and otherwise you might be prone to proceed in your new Relationship uncomfortably.
Good luck!
Raven
Let it go…
Ewa
yeah sorry but he is still young and the fact that it was her ending things with him not the other way around tells me that he might still be hoping she will change her mind and I guess if she didn’t say goodbye , you two would not be together …
Rachel
No, he was the one who broke it off with her for whatever reason. I saw the texts where she offered for him to see her over Labor Day weekend, but he texted her that he got cuffed, which is slang for girlfriend, which I’m assuming he was referring to me. So that’s the confusing part…in the end, he chose me but it was only after she left then it’s like he changed his mind for some reason. It just bothers me that he waited this long to make it official with me because it’s like he had to have her first. Maybe it’s the distance so he knew it was pointless to continue things? I don’t know, if I should talk to him about it.
Lane
Oh my. The fact is you are both very very young and still have a lot of things to do, goals to make, and people to meet before you even consider something like marriage. He is going to be one of many you leave because that’s the whole point of dating, to see how many of your stars align so that when you finally do consider marrying someone, its because you’ve spent a LOT of time together, at least two years, to ensure your lives will be as least turbulent or bumpy as possible.
You really shouldn’t stick around much longer. Learn the lessons from this experience by quickly ditching those you can’t trust; those you don’t mesh with in very important areas (e.g., marriage, finances, family, goals, beliefs, etc.); nor any man you cannot fully trust, and feel 100% confident or safe with. Life’s too short to be wasting your time playing with those boys :o)
Kim
Oh Rachel. I’m so sorry this is happening to you love. It’s probably not the thing that you want to hear, but the fact that this guy is saying he could see himself with this other woman is a big red flag. You’re young but it’s still not something you should put up with because it’s clear on some level he still is hung up on ex.
Further to that if you can see yourself getting married in the future and he’s not on the same page it will for sure cause friction later down the line. If marriage is not something you’re not willing to compromise on then you need to make that known to him. My sister had the same issue with her partner. She wants to get married and have kids and he’s not keen on it for some reason. He’s just happy the way things are. They do live together and even that she pretty much had to twist his arm after 3-4 years. She’s sacrificed a lot of what she wants for him. Especially with not having children. It’s a big thing to ask a woman to give up because it’s not like he can do it for her once she misses the boat.
Rachel
Hi Kim, thank u so much for your input. I just want to be clear that she actually isn’t his ex because they apparently never dated. From what it sounds like, they were a fling because they only had about 2 weeks to see each other..starting from the time they became a thing to when she had to leave again because the girl was gone all summer and was only in our home city at the end of the August. To be honest, I peeped her Instagram and she just seems very young and still a kid as she is only 18 and fresh out of high school. Being a 22 year old woman competing with a girl 4 years younger does not feel good at all. And the fact that my bf has made such a statement about ending up with her especially when he seems so different from her and their fling was very brief, just really confused me. I care for him so breaking up is not something I’m considering yet, but I could really use an opinion on how to approach him with this issue:
Padmini
Hi, Rachel,
It is good that you are keeping an Open-Mind on this Matter and relative Positivity.
There is both an Up-Side and Down-Side of the Factor of the Girl being 18 years old–regarding the Prospect of Your Relationship. You have in a way acknowledged both. The Up-Side to Your Relationship in the Context of that Girl is that an 18 year-old Girl is worlds apart in Experience in comparison with a 21 year-old Guy. So it is unlikely that there could be anything long-lasting between Your Boyfriend and that Girl in the Upcoming Future. After several months, the Prospect of the Girl could completely disappear from Your Boyfriend’s Mind.
You could approach Your Boyfriend by stating that you want to discuss a Matter that came-up when you were all out for drinks that other night. And then you can ask Your Boyfriend whether he has residual feelings for that Girl and whether he is generically open to Marriage or not.
Good luck!
ginny
I am sorry. Generally guys who never wanna get married are the first ones to get married. What they mean when they say they never wanna get married is that they never wanna get married to you. That’s all.
tammy
seriously? u want to get married when your just 22? is that wise? shldnt you be spending your thoughts and energy on further education and your career? rather than trying on a relationship with a guy you dont trust? my suggestion is to shift your focus on your career and further studies. and avoid relationships where their seems to be not much trust.
Rachel
Tammy, uh no I never said I wanted to get married at 22. Of course I would like to in the future, but definitely not now. And I said that in my post too. What I’m trying to say is I’m surprised to hear that he said he never wants to get married in general because when I date someone, I would hope that we have some sort of future. Otherwise, it feels like dating that’s just going to lead to nowhere. And I DO trust him, but it was only after hearing this from his friend that I feel it could be a potential issue that I’d have to evenutally address.
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