This topic contains 2 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Ella 1 month, 2 weeks ago.
May 8, 2021 at 8:16 am #868443
I am heartbroken and sometimes I blame myself cos I said certain things to her which made her upset.
My best friend was dealing with someone abusive, she got out of it in 2015 and lockdown hasn’t been easy for her.
She reached out to me cos all her friends didn’t want to know her problems. She dated the wrong guys and blamed that the guys she met are the wrong ones, and that they weren’t committed, just want sex etc and wasn’t her fault. She said maybe she hasn’t found the right guy yet.
I told her that it was her fault that she keeps choosing the wrong guys and not giving nice guys a chance. After thinking about it, she did give nice guys a chance but they just didn’t work out. She is suffering from depression and anxiety and I told her that if she was open to dating she wouldn’t be having this problem of finding the wrong ones. She took that as me telling her what to do and blaming her that it was her fault she dates wrong men and that I didn’t understand how she felt. She said that she wanted to have fun than tying down to being in a relationship…there would be times when she misses mens company but there would be times when she’ll date frogs.
I think I kept telling her to date only because I wanted her to be happy not realising that she just wanted to be happy without a man. She took that me telling her what to do.
She said that sometimes she couldn’t go out and socialise but I forced her to go out cos I wanted her to be happy and meet people…I should have respected her decision because I understood that she just wanted to be left alone. I should have told her that if she wanted to go out, then me and other friends are going to this or that place, and she can make her own decisions, I should have given her time to heal than force her to date and meet friends. I was the only one she could open up her feelings with and I went about it the wrong way.
She has been there so much for me in the last 21 years we were friends and she feels I let her down because all the times I needed her, she respected my decisions.
I am going counselling now and if someone has been in this situation, please share your experiences.May 8, 2021 at 3:23 pm #868536
I’m very sorry this happened, and I’m glad you’ve started counseling.
Your friend had a difficult life and a lot of problems. Perhaps you didn’t fully understand them or know what she was going through, but you did the best you could at the time. It isn’t your fault that she made the decision she did, and it will be painful for you to keep wondering what you could have done differently. The truth is, probably not a whole lot. Even if you did act differently, if something else came up in her life that overwhelmed her, she may have made the same set of decisions.
You’re taking on a lot of the blame, and that’s okay because you’re trying to process grief and you’ll feel how you feel. But you do talk about this as you were possibly the only one who could help (“I was the only one she could open up her feelings with”). If someone is really looking for help, they won’t pin the responsibility on one person, they’ll seek out other connections and answers. Did she ever go to therapy? She needed a lot of professional help that you couldn’t give to her, because you’re not a trained professional. The issues here weren’t about her relationships with men or with you, but about her relationship with herself and likely confronting and trying to heal a lifetime of trauma. You tried to be there for her best you could when she didn’t have a lot of connection to others, and that’s a good and valuable thing. I hope as you continue to grieve and process, you eventually forgive yourself and remember the better times of her friendship and the times you both enjoyed together.
Have you discussed what codependency is with your counselor at all? That may be a helpful topic as part of this process.May 9, 2021 at 7:24 pm #868935
Hi, I feel sorry for what happened. But please don’t blame yourself.
A month ago, I’d like to give up on myself because I had traumatic event like your friends and had many wrong guys as my exes.
Even now I dated a good guy, it seems hard to work because I feel I’m the one who hard to love. I even told my boyfriend, I want to give up on our relationship, because I’m afraid if one day I suicide, he’ll blame himself.
The truth is
It’s nothing to do with anyone.
Especially for everyone that we love in our life.
It’s just we can’t win the war within ourself.
I’m doing counseling for 4 months and it’s getting better, but it’s still hard to erase the mindset for “I wanna die”
You already did a good thing.
You’re a very good friend.
I believe she feels so lucky have a friend like you, who listen and supported her.
So, don’t blame yourself.
‘What if’ only make it worse.
There’s nothing to do with you and I believe your friend also love you so much and she doesn’t want to put pressure on you.
Please take care of yourself and let her go.