This topic contains 21 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Vera 10 months ago.
October 3, 2019 at 12:18 am #774723
Hi all! I would super appreciate some input .
I’m in my early 30s.
Went out with a guy (also early 30s) who I’ve known over a year , as we have overlapping friends circles .
When I first met him last year he asked me out on a date and we did go and had a great time . Some communication after but he did not ask me for a second date (and I’m not the type to ask out guys early on until we are a couple – just the sway I am). However we were still friendly and we would see each other from time to time at parties etc – approx. once every 2-3 months and we would chat at these events and flirt a bit .
A few months ago we saw each other again , and he asked me out – we went out on a day date , kissed , had a great time . Then he went away on vacation and I was also busy so our texting subsided .
I texted him hello a couple weeks ago and he asked me out again , we went out one night and we ended up kissing and some more (though not all the way).
He asked me out again the following weekend and we went out to dinner , went back to his place and we had sex .
In the morning instead of rushing out saying I have a lot to do (as I would normally have done in the past ), I said I’m hungry and he said we could go out for breakfast so I agreed and we went out . Only thing is it took awhile (had to drive over and long lineup , waiting for service etc) so I felt him getting agitated slightly after he checked his phone once and seems he had a message . I felt bad at that point , like I ruined the vibe and overstayed.
Over the next few days his messages have ceased and he has not asked me out again , despite suggesting previously we would do something this weekend . I am bummed.
Did I do something wrong ?
Thanks guysOctober 3, 2019 at 12:20 am #774724
Basically what I’m asking here is -all else being equal – would it have made a difference if I acted like I was busy and had to leave ?? Or is he just not into me and same result regardlessOctober 3, 2019 at 1:56 am #774725
I dont think you did anything wrong and he woulve gone silent even if you had dashed out in the AM. If a guy likes you, going out for breakfast wont make him lose sudden interest. He just wasnt really feeling it from the getgo. sorry girl,but u deserve someone who is crazy about you.October 3, 2019 at 4:42 am #774729
you didn’t do anything wrong, but I feel like all he wanted from you was sex, you gave it to him and he lost interest, very common these daysOctober 3, 2019 at 8:01 am #774731
It doesn’t sound like he was that into you, sorry. You’ve known him for over a year and you’ve had very sporadic communication and a few dates. A guy that was interested in you would be pursuing you, taking you out on regular dates, calling/texting you regularly. I agree with Ewa that it sounds like he just wanted sex. He got that and now he no longer has any interest in hanging out.
The breakfast had nothing to do with it. If you had pretended to be busy and left before breakfast it would not have made a difference. A guy that had serious romantic interest in you would be happy to take you out to breakfast the morning after you had sex & slept over for the 1st time.
Don’t feel bad, you didn’t do anything wrong. Don’t be bummed out. It happens. Just move on. When you find a guy who’s genuinely into you, you’ll know, he won’t leave you wondering.October 3, 2019 at 2:33 pm #774792
Thanks sooo much!! Super appreciate .
I’m definitely ok with that . As long as I did nothing wrong . Truth be told we aren’t a good match for long term anyways !
HugsOctober 5, 2019 at 4:32 am #774906
You’ve done nothing wrong. A truly interested guy wouldn’t have cared in the least,
This guy’s former behaviour indicates he was very lukewarm all along and it’s think it’s fairly easy to see he sensed sex wasn’t far off if the latest dates continued.
Sorry OP I cut him lose from now on!October 5, 2019 at 4:48 pm #774938
Thanks so much , makes me feel so much better I didn’t do anything wrong .
Gosh, I think I knew it all along too, if I’m honest with myself I just really wanted to justify sleeping with him… it’s honestly so tough . I wish I could just have a sex buddy and not be attached but clearly my ego takes a hit when the guy doesn’t fall for me after …October 6, 2019 at 2:12 am #774956
OP, if you are looking for more try making sure there’s a closer connection before sex. I think girls can get attached to a guy after sex but for guys the sex doesn’t make them fall for you. They have to start falling for you before sex.
It’s not easy dating and figuring out guys but sporadic contact every few months doesn’t equal interest.October 8, 2019 at 6:01 pm #775177
He’s texting me intermittently , just normal questions about the week , but I’m just not even going to answer because I almost feel like he’s trying to soften the blowOctober 8, 2019 at 6:20 pm #775180
I really think this is a case of he is simply not looking to be a couple with anyone.
He has been have occasional sex here and there including you but nothing major.
He could have a girlfriend if he wanted one.
Does he have a longtime ex that he has been hung up on for years?
If not, he just doesn’t want to lose his freedom.
He likes sex, but doesn’t want to be tied down.October 8, 2019 at 6:44 pm #775182
You hit the nail on the head .
In fact he has not had a girlfriend at all as far as I know , at least not since his early 20s . I have a good friend who has known him for years and he has not had a gf at all throughout these years . He definitely is someone who just loves hanging out with his guy friends more than anything and is enjoying his freedom. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised .October 15, 2019 at 10:12 am #775555
I need some advice. I really thought I could put an end to it but he keeps texting me despite me not answering his questions (which are generic – how’s your weekend , how was so and so event , etc).
Overall he’s a nice person and I’m one hundred percent sure he means no harm .
I’m just not sure what he wants. I assume because he isn’t asking me out (now it’s been about 2+ weeks since we had sex) he doesn’t want to see me again .
Then again I have gone almost totally silent on him .
What would you advise for a good next step ? Unfortunately being an adult and trying to have a conversation won’t work with this guy .
I just really wish there was another way I could find out what his intentions are ..October 15, 2019 at 10:22 am #775557
I should Also mention :
1. I’m the OP ! It’s the same person I’m talking about
2. I know many of you are maybe thinking why would I want someone who is acting this way – and the thing is I’m truly unsure I actually want him . I guess I just want to make sure I’m not closing any doors on someone who is maybe coming around – I don’t want to make hasty decisions . But yes in my previous experience the guys who were into me made it way more clear
Thanks :)October 15, 2019 at 10:31 am #775558
He’s trying to keep you on the hook for future sexual hook ups, it sounds like. The generic questions that require zero thought or effort, not asking you out, not taking a hint when you don’t reply….He’s hoping you’ll eventually get back to him, and he can have sex with you again.
I don’t think you’re “closing a door on someone who’s maybe coming around.” If he were coming around he would text you something non-generic (or better yet, call!) And more importantly, he would be asking you out on actual dates.
If he’s annoying you, I would suggest blocking him. Either that, or just continue to ignore his texts. This guy isn’t looking for a relationship.October 15, 2019 at 2:01 pm #775586
Oh honey. You only sleep with men early if they are showing up consistently and only when you are exclusive. At least, that is what I do. This does not mean you cannot round the bases while you figure each other out.
Any sex before exclusivity is sex that you should expect will end soon or be on the table without a relationship.
You do not know what he wanted? Well, then you are not paying attention to his actions. He asked you out and let it fade, you contacted him and then he let it fade again after sex. And gross that he suggested going out again and let that just fade. Please pay attention to men’s actions.
Your engagement should be mirroring his, not leading – he gets sex and validation as he shows up consistently.
Also, he is contacting you because you don’t stop it, or make it clear.
“Bob, thanks for reaching out to me so often. I appreciate that you keep in touch, but as I thought about it, I think I am really looking for the real deal these days – something growing and exclusive. I know I should have made that clear as we were engaging and not brought it up now. If that is something you want to explore, then awesome, but I also realize we might not be on the same page. And in that case, I will wish you well. Let me know your thoughts :-).”October 15, 2019 at 2:27 pm #775588
Thanks for your advice.
Just to be clear though , I don’t have an issue with the fact that we had sex . I think I would have been on the forum asking the same question even if we didn’t have sex that night . Also his behaviour would have been the same regardless . If anything he would be “chasing “ me more just for the sex if that’s what he was after.
In fact I was initiating and planning for it more than him because I wanted to do it !October 15, 2019 at 2:30 pm #775589
Rest of advice is correct . He clearly wants nothing serious and I knew that over a year ago after he let things fade after our first date !
But I definitely needed that perspective because there is a that small voice in my head that tries to justify current going on.
So thank you so much !! :)October 15, 2019 at 2:42 pm #775590
You are welcome!
Why were you planning everything? Was it because you enjoy it or because you don’t believe deep down you deserve for a man to do it (or a partner)? Since you are now concerned, I think you were over giving in hopes he would be grateful.
And not true about chasing you more. You already made the sex available, his keeping in touch every so often or sporadically show you that he thinks the sex is on tap, when and if he wants it. Because you made it available so easily, he no longer values it. That does not happen every time for everyone but it is best to make men work for things – even casual things.
You are in masculine energy when you do everything, that kills men’s interest, except for a very passive man.October 15, 2019 at 2:51 pm #775591
Oh, I didn’t plan anything outright . He planned all the dates .
I meant I was planning to sleep with him in my head .
Given that we had already been on a few scattered dates without any sex on the table at all, I guess I got bored with that and I wanted to see how sexually compatible we were . I guess I just wanted sex.
But I was for sure previously disappointed by him. Last year for example and even a couple months ago.
It’s not like I’d be any less disappointed if we had sex.
I held off on sex before exclusivity many many times in the past – in fact this is the norm for me . But I got tired of going on boring dates . Then I’d end up dating men who , turns out, didn’t like sex. Or other men who started considering it a challenge and they would wine and dine and after saying they were exclusive they’d leave anyways .
I’ve also had relationships were I did sleep with them before exclusivity and they quickly became exclusive after.
All this to say , in my many years of dating , I’ve come to realize that ultimately it doesn’t matter when you sleep with the guy (within reason of course ). I did feel me and this guy already had an emotional bond , as we were also texting for a good chunk of last year and he had told me about a personal family issue .
I highly doubt that me holding off on sex would have changed this outcome , as you guys mentioned , there were signs from early on .
PS this guy is incredibly passiveOctober 15, 2019 at 9:45 pm #775613
Honestly, you have to have a “I don’t give a flip” mindset about sex. You can’t attach any meaning to it until the man attaches meaning to it first, if that makes sense. Sex isn’t a bad thing, hell we’re human and meant to have to it but its when you use to to attain something, such as a relationship, is where many ladies fail, mainly due to hormone’s lol.
We’ve all done it. Thought that if we gave a guy sex he would give us a relationship only to find out that was the last thing on his mind. I agree, that early sex or one night stand doesn’t mean a guy isn’t going to not see you as ‘the one’ as I married one, but it sure as heck weeds out a lot of the ‘sex only guys’ as you really don’t want to be a bed hopper.
His past is an indicator of his future. He’s perfectly content and happy being ‘single’ and that’s really all you need to know instead of wasting so much time that so many other ladies have wasted before you—you’re just one of many.October 17, 2019 at 2:10 pm #775684
Thank you! Great advice all around . You are right . Thanks for bringing me back to reality . He clearly does not want a relationship .