Home › Forums › Texting Advice › Just reconnected with an old crush. Can someone please share their perspective?
- This topic has 9 replies and was last updated 3 years, 1 month ago by
Maddie.
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Annabelle
Recently, I reconnected with an old crush online. We met in college through a mutual class, but he graduated before I did. Though he remained in the same city, we didn’t really talk or see each other again, perhaps because we didn’t have enough time to establish a solid friendship.
We haven’t spoken in about 2 years, but it was recently his birthday, so I wrote him “happy birthday!” on his Facebook wall. A few hours later, he texted me on Facebook Messenger (we don’t have each other’s cell phone numbers) thanking me and asking me how I’ve been. I replied the next day.
He took a day to respond to me, but kept the conversation going, gave detailed answers and asked me personal questions. The next time I replied, it took him 10 days to reply to me. He still kept the conversation going, shared details about his life and asked me questions.
Can someone please shed some perspective as to his response times, why he initiated conversation and how he may view this situation? Thank you.
Raven
Catching up with an old friend…
AngieBaby
I take it you’re hoping something romantic will come of this?
Did he know you had a crush on him? If so, did he do anything to indicate mutual interest?
Given his response times, it would appear he’s just being polite and passing a few minutes on some casual conversation with you.
He now has the opening to ask for your phone number and text or call to talk further or ask to see you. If he doesn’t do that, leave him alone, he’s not interested in you the way you seem to be in him. Don’t chase him, don’t suggest getting together. Let him do that if he’s interested enough.
Annabelle
Thank you Raven and AngieBaby.
No, he didn’t know that I had a crush on him (at least I don’t think he knew). It was something that was left ambiguous by the both of us. I remember when we were still going to college in NYC together, he would sit next to me and strike up conversation. He’d also walk me to my next class, even though it was out of his way. One day it was raining but I didn’t have an umbrella, so he was very kind and shared his umbrella with me. That day, we also spent 2 hours sitting inside a cozy café chatting, which I unfortunately had to cut short because I had plans. We regularly gave each other hugs and he added me on Facebook, but he didn’t ask for my number or make any explicitly flirty/romantic advances. Perhaps I am also to blame. I didn’t make my interest clear because I was still in the phase of getting to know him and deciding if I wanted to take things beyond friendship (though I did think he was cute).
At that time, it was close to the end of the school year. After that lovely conversation in the café, we didn’t hang out or talk in that manner again. He still walked me to my next class, sat next to me in class and said “hi how are you” etc., but it seems that things got busy for the both of us. He graduated soon after anyway.
Fast forward 2 years. He’s still living in NYC, but I’m currently on the west coast (which he is aware of). If not for the COVID-19 pandemic, I would still be in NYC, but life clearly had other plans for me haha. I will be moving back to the city in the summertime, but even so, I understand that the distance makes it infinitely harder to see each other for the time being.
I hope this gives you (and other potential contributors) more to go off of. Thank you for the advice you’ve already given. I appreciate it!
Angiebaby
No, it’s not your fault nothing happened. If he had been interested romantically, he would have made a move. Sounds to me like you’re solidly in the friend zone. When you move back, if you happen to see him, you could try flirting a little but don’t be surprised if you get shut down. On the other hand, who knows!! Trust that you’ll know what to do at that time. Right now with 3000 miles between you it’s moot.
Emily
Don’t read into things like this. It’s just a few messages on social media.
Maddie
There’s nothing to read into yet. People are missing connection with the pandemic and distancing, so it may just be a friendly reconnect for that reason. Since you’re far away, and it’s easy to forget about social media messages if you’re not pursuing someone, seems normal that sometimes it takes him a while to respond.
You can always ask to trade numbers so that you can drop him a line once you actually move back. And then see if he takes the initiative to upgrade you to text once he has your number. He’ll escalate contact if he’s vaguely interested, or if not he’ll leave it as is with occasional social media messages that eventually drop off.
Liz Lemon
I agree with Maddie re: people reaching out over the pandemic. I’ve had friends/acquaintances from my past suddenly contact me out of the blue to see how I was doing. It may be that this guy just wanted to reconnect briefly with an old friend. And I agree with Emily’s point too that you can’t read too much into social media in general. The fact that he went 10 days without replying means you weren’t at the forefront of his mind.
Especially considering what you wrote…that there was never any flirting/romantic interest on his end…I tend to believe it was just that, a old friend reaching out. I wouldn’t read anything into him sharing his umbrella (any decent person would do that if it was raining, think about it), or having sat chatting with you in a cafe once. Those are all things that nice people do, without necessarily having romantic intention. He sounds like a nice guy and probably enjoyed your company/conversation. But if he didn’t take it further then I doubt there was a romantic interest.
I really feel for you though, because I’ve been there, enjoying friendship/company/conversation with a guy (in my case a coworker, years ago)…going for coffee breaks, hanging out at work, meeting up for a friendly drink after work a couple times…I had a huge crush on him and really hoped that he had some kind of romantic interest in me, but he truly didn’t. He truly was just a nice guy who saw me as a friend and enjoyed my company. There was no flirting or anything like that on his end. As much as I wanted to read into all the little gestures, there was nothing there but friendship.
Having said that, I absolutely agree that you could give this guy your number and offer to reconnect when you move back to NYC. There’s no harm in that. The ball will totally be in his court then. If he has any interest at all, he’ll pick it up and run with it. If he doesn’t, there’s your answer.
Annabelle
I totally agree with what everyone has said. I forgot to mention that I find Facebook Messenger annoying and it’s my least favorite way of communicating with people (I’m not even talking about romantically, I’m just saying in general).
Per Maddie and Liz’s suggestion, would it be appropriate to let him know that I’m not the biggest fan of FB Messenger and ask if he’d like to move off the platform and give him my number, or is that too much?
Maddie
I think the problem with being that explicit is it creates a leading expectation. We *will* escalate and keep talking so let’s move to text. Keeping it as more like, “we don’t have each other’s numbers so let’s fix that since I’ll be back in town soon enough” leaves him more room to take his own initiative if he wants to without you guiding him to do it. It leaves the ball in his court without pressure while still giving you the opportunity to reach out for in-person plans once you’ve moved back.
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