Just a small(‘ish) rant…


Home Forums Dating and Sex Advice Just a small(‘ish) rant…

This topic contains 27 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Tammy 3 hours, 11 minutes ago.

Viewing 25 posts - 1 through 25 (of 28 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #935509 Reply

    Rina

    Hello everyone. I met a guy several weeks ago while out with friends. My schedule was a little crazy because I traveled for work and then with family so we didn’t get together but we’ve texted mostly every day since exchanging numbers. I got back into town on Wednesday. On Thursday he asked if I wanted to grab dinner this weekend. I was at a work event when he texted and didn’t respond til late but when I did respond I said that sounded good and asked what his schedule was like this weekend. He didn’t respond to that question but rather continued texting me with selfies and other mundane types of things. Fast forward to today when he asked if I wanted to “come over” and when I asked what his plan was he said he had plans tonight but was free for a few hours now. I ignored for a few hours and then just texted back saying maybe another time.

    Wow. Am I wrong for reading that the way I am reading that (ie “how bout you come over for a few hours so we can hook up before I head out for the night?”) And he lives about an hour away to boot. I clearly will not ever be talking to this one again. I’m so insulted. That came out of left field!

    #935510 Reply

    Amy S

    This is a good thing. He’s telling you upfront. He’s not offering much. So you either go for it or
    Move on. No need to get mad he owes you nothing.

    #935512 Reply

    Rina

    I can see it that way too. But I do also find it insulting that – instead of asking what it is I’m looking for there’s an invite to make a 2 hour round trip during a small window of free time to hookup. I just think there’s a better way to go about it. Maybe I’m old school but I wouldn’t have handled it that way.

    #935514 Reply

    Tallspicy

    I have no understanding of why you are so insulted. That is too much energy to give this guy. Why should he bother to be polite like he is looking for a relationship, when he told you with his words and actions that he is not? No need to get worked up over it, as you can’t control what he does or doesn’t do and I promise there is nothing personal about it. You could just as easily see it as a funny story as be insulted. Look at what this idiot did ;-). If you can’t handle this minor issue, how will you handle something more as you can expect from online dating?

    #935515 Reply

    Rina

    Fact: I barely even know this man
    Fact: I have no right to set any expectations about a romantic future from a virtual stranger
    Fact: it’s best to find out early where someone’s head is relationship wise before time is wasted
    Fact: I won’t be losing any sleep over this one for the reasons expressed above

    But also a Fact —

    We as women have the right to expect to be respected. To NOT be asked by a virtual male stranger for a mid day booty call out of the blue. We as women have the right to be insulted by dirtbags who direct this behavior toward us. We need to start holding men to a higher standard and not giving them a pass every time they act like pigs.

    #935517 Reply

    M

    Something similar(ish) happened to me a while ago. I was livid and so insulted. So I feel you Rina.

    I agree also that it’s not personal, if he knew you better he’d have never have tried it on.

    Still, a 2 hour round trip for a booty call? God almighty, the man must have been either stoned or is completely relationship-tone-deaf (I just made that word up). Even excluding the bit about what he said, I can tell from your one post that you’re not booty call material, and you’re definitely definitely not that desperate!

    Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he didn’t mean it as a hookup invite… maybe he just thought….

    Ok I’m having trouble justifying this. I have no idea what was going through his mind. It is a weird suggestion and makes little sense.

    All I can think is, he’s so desperate he’s not thinking straight, and it’s not you, he probably would have even tried it on Michelle Obama (I’m only using her as an example as I think she’s supercool and you remind me a little of her).

    Did he not give any indication in any of his previous messaging that he was insane and had no idea how to treat a woman with respect or to build a meaningful connection or arrange an exciting meeting opportunity?

    …, I hope you don’t mind Rina, the more I think about his thought process, compared to who you are, I can’t help smiling and giggling a little at the ludicrously of his behaviour! It’s like you’re at opposite ends of the Earth in terms of personality and standards. What a foolish man… (shaking my head in disbelief.)

    The only thing I can say is, you’re clearly way hotter than you realise. I think you stand in good company – I bet Angelina Jolie and Scarlett Johansson have had more than their fair share of poorly-timed (!) hookup requests too.

    But you’re absolutely right of course, women shouldn’t have to put up with it.

    #935518 Reply

    M

    You know, I’ve just reread your first post. I bet when you first responded late on Thursday night he got some overly excited ideas in his head afterwards, even though you were just being courteous and responding before the day was over.

    I think you’ve had a lucky escape actually. This is who this guy really is at his core, but you’ve just found out sooner than might otherwise have been the case had you not texted late night Thursday. You’ve been saved a lot of wasted time and energy.

    This is definitely a very good thing! (Even if it is ludicrous and unexplainable weird on his part.)

    #935520 Reply

    A

    I agree with others that say you’re lucky he is so upfront with his intentions. That is a great thing! This guy is not for you. He’s probably not for anyone. He clearly doesn’t respect women. You are much better knowing that now than him stinging you along, acting like he’s into you when he’s clearly not like most men do. I’m in a situationship right now and so beyond miserable. I’m never happy. I just keep talking to him because I’m not secure in myself to go no contact. It’s a horrible situation to be in.

    #935523 Reply

    M

    A, I’m sorry for the situation you’re currently in and the misery this guy is causing you. It’s unfair and it’s ruining your whole life.

    You definitely deserve more whether you’re secure in yourself or not.

    I think at some point you’re going to realise, its talking to him that’s making me more insecure. He is the source of the problem in my life.

    Then when you start talking to other guys, just to check if a different world exists outside of the narrow misery this situationship is causing, you’ll see that you have lots (LOTS!) to feel secure about.

    Once you see how other guys like talking to you too, how attractive you are in the eyes of others, and how there are guys out there that would give anything to have a woman like you in their arms…. You’ll notice that it’s the situationship that is insecurity and unhappiness and misery.

    A, I bet if you started to count all your positive attributes, all the things you like about yourself (and you’re proud of), all the good you do in the lives of others, even all the benefits that this guy is getting from you (and I don’t mean just sex obviously!), you’ll see just what a wonderful catch you are.

    You’ll notice that you prefer even spending time alone, than talking to someone who disrespects you by taking the most precious things you have, your affection and your love and your body, and gives you so little in return.

    A, no matter what little affection this guy gives you, ultimately he’s stealing everything you are from your future boyfriend and husband, the guy out there, who will fully step up and show you how much he values you.

    You know, I’m imagining you writing an update post here in the future bursting with happiness, saying, everyone guess what?! My new guy just proposed to me and bought me the most amazing engagement ring!
    And I’m imagining you admiring your hand with this glittering diamond adorning it. And then your new fiancé comes up and slips his gorgeous arms around your waist and hugs you from behind saying with a smile on his lips “are you going to tell them where we’ve booked to go on our honeymoon?”…..

    A imagine this too! You can have this! This will happen to you! And your future husband will be the real deal, a man who is smart enough and wise enough to know what he has when he has you.

    And he will treat you with respect and kindness and love and even though, just like every other couple you may have things that you see differently, all the things that really matter, you will be aligned on. Your differences will bring you closer because you believe in each other and you see how your lives are definitely happier and richer because you have each other.

    A let yourself dream. Look beyond this current slither of life, this unhappy situationship, that really is nothing at all. Beyond this, in your future, even with all the sexy other guys you’ll meet before you discover your future husband, there is so much fun and joy and excitement and happiness out there waiting for you.

    It’s waiting for you A, is all out there just waiting for you….
    And HE’s out there waiting for you! Your real future boyfriend-fiancé-husband…. Even as we talk, he’s probably out there telling his buddies right now, where is she? Do you think the kind of woman I’m looking for is out there?

    He’s wondering about you! And dreaming that he hopes he gets to meet you soon…

    Don’t make him wait too long A! Your future boyfriend-fiancé-husband needs you!

    #935528 Reply

    Rina

    M – thank you so much for not only taking the time to respond but for also being so articulate. I personally agree with everything you’ve said and yes this guy and I are just on totally opposite ends of the spectrum. To answer your question, he gave no indication of being a dirtbag in the weeks leading up to this so maybe the impetus for his brazen behavior was my late response or maybe it was something else. Who knows, who cares. This one is clearly not for me and I agree with the posters who’ve said it’s best to learn that now. I do try to look for silver linings in all situations and in this one – well, it’s just a reminder of who I am and where my standards are set.

    A – I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through a tough time. I do hope and pray you find the strength to be true to yourself. Whatever the specific issue is, he/it’s not worth the time and negative energy. Life is too short, my friend…

    #935533 Reply

    Tammy

    I don’t undrstnd why u got mad or felt insulted simply bec a stranger wanted to hook up. This is sooooo common. Maybe he misundrstood. Or maybe he just tuk a chance that you also wldnt mind a hookup. Atlst this cleared this up for you. Block and dnt bother.

    #935535 Reply

    Rina

    And I don’t understand why you wouldn’t be insulted (as I did not say I say I was mad.) But that’s ok – we are all different. We are all entitled to our own feelings, opinions and standards. We just view dating – or not even dating in this case but rather the level of respect due in any normal human interaction – differently. I understand the “this is a common way for men to behave/interact” and “this happens on dating apps all the time” arguments. I have real life experience just like the majority of us on these forums do. I’m just saying I’m not willing to allow that to serve as an excuse for men/women to behave this way. To each his/her own.

    #935537 Reply

    Tammy

    Yeah i truly still didnt get it…
    so many men these days if they fancy a woman and want to hook up, they just straight out ask. Its not like he knows u well or vice versa. He tuk a chance and asked. But u dint want to. So u said no. Thats that. Why wld u be insulted abt a stranger askin if u wana hook up??

    #935538 Reply

    Rina

    As I said earlier it wasn’t about him expressing that’s all that he wanted/asking if I wanted to hookup. It was about the request for me to drive to him – a total of 2 hours round trip – to fit me into a small window of his free time before his night time plans began. I wouldn’t have been insulted had he said, “I’m just looking for a hookup – would you be down?” That would have been honest. It was the context that was insulting and belittling.

    #935539 Reply

    M

    Tammy, if it’s okay to join in your conversation (🤞) when it happened to me, it was because he wasn’t a complete stranger. We’d had some interaction already and things were beginning to warm up. I’d shown him a little of who I was inside, and I’d been very respectful to him and his feelings also.

    For him to take that and interpret it as, well I don’t want to date you, but you’d be okay for a bang…

    And the way he put it across to me in particular… (he didn’t use those exact words of course, but like Rina, it was tough to interpret it any other way).

    It just bewildered me and shocked me. It was so out of line with what was happening and my expectations or what I thought was happening between us.

    I found it upsetting and hurtful and insulting, and all the more so because I genuinely had liked this guy. Giving him my time and attention and offering of friendship and potentially more, was an extension of that and a compliment I was paying him.

    It felt like he was saying I was worth very little.

    I know – I shouldn’t have felt like that because his behaviour was a reflection of the kind of guy he was. It’s just that I did feel that and it was really unpleasant.

    Rina and even A’s story, remind me that it wasn’t until I built myself up and reminded myself of who I am and what my standards are that I started to feel better.

    And the guys immaturity and low level of intelligence (in the context of anything that matters to me) started glaring out to me like a loud-blaring beacon. It’s amazing to me that I ever found this guy attractive from day 1 and I had overlooked small things that I wouldn’t normally settle for.

    I eventually better understood the quote my cousin sent me:
    “Choose someone who chooses you.”

    But anyway, thanks both for letting me interject with my own mini-story! 🙏 it’s cathartic to share! 💛❤️

    😘🙏😊❤️

    #935540 Reply

    Rina

    M – I’m sorry to hear you had a similar experience. I am glad that it helped you to realize your worth, though. That sounds like the silver lining to me. In my humble opinion it’s so important for us as women – people – to realize how much we have to offer and to set the bar as high as possible for all potential suitors (and friends for that matter.) Dating can bring out certain insecurities as it is, even for the most confident people, so when someone who you’ve established a relationship with (friendship or otherwise) throws us a curveball as you’ve just described it has potential to cause our egos and self-confidence to take a real hit. I’m happy to hear that your experience had the opposite effect and it sounds like it helped to mold you into an even more confident women who knows her own boundaries and won’t settle for less than what she deserves.

    Something you said above resonated with me. You said that his actions seemed to imply that you were “worth very little.” Boom. That perfectly describes my reaction in my situation as well – hence feeling insulted. I don’t even know the guy, I know it’s not personal, the moment has passed. But yes of course my knee jerk response was to feel insulted because I too know my worth and for someone to think such a proposition would be at all enticing to me implies that I also think very little of myself (which isn’t at all the case.)

    Thank you for sharing your story.

    #935541 Reply

    M

    Rina 🙏💛😊

    #935545 Reply

    Mary

    You merely recognize that he isn’t seeing your value. And move in. Why would you engage after he didn’t respond to your question? Also, next time, don’t paddle the canoe regarding the dinner date (let him chase).

    #935546 Reply

    Mary

    *and move on

    #935547 Reply

    Mary

    When dating, you must maintain a detachment. It is not until someone shows you they are of “real” value to you (over time), that you allow them emotional investment.

    #935549 Reply

    Rina

    Thanks Mary. I wholly agree with what you’ve said regarding recognizing and moving along. But I do wish to point out I didn’t ask any follow ups re: the dinner date nor did I respond to any of the selfies/mundane texts until he sent the one about coming over and I asked for clarification. I’m not a chaser and I’ve always been of the mindset that if a man wants to see me he will make the move and effort. If he doesn’t – he isn’t worth my attention. Me ultimately responding to the invitation to drive down to see him for a few hours was really just me making sure I understood what he was saying correctly and not just making assumptions. Either way, certainly not invested emotionally or otherwise. I just wanted to make a quick post/vent a bit about what I perceived as poor behavior from a (prior to this week/weekend) potential new guy. It was just interesting reading everyone’s perspectives about this type of interaction which is why this post has now gone on for so long. Like I said, no time spent communicating with or dwelling on this guy since I sent my last text. He’s been blocked since.

    #935550 Reply

    Amy S

    Honestly
    Don’t
    Get worked
    Up over chancer guys. Just be glad you have standards and boundaries. Online dating is full
    Of chancers and
    Liars. I could
    Write
    A book. The best thing you can do is take
    Nothing personally, believe nothing until you see it with your own
    Eyes and
    If a guy isn’t for
    You just move on don’t be annoyed or
    Try
    To
    Figure out
    Why or
    You
    Will
    Be permanently pissed off and wondering.

    #935558 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Owning your own experience and response: wow, what a silly man, on to brunch with my friends, or read a book, or watch a movie.

    Not owning your own experience and response: why oh why did he do this heinous thing, this man I don’t even know, he should act exactly as I want him to so that my emotional state stays centered. Men on online dating try to get sex, what??? How can that be when we spoke for 10 days by text, he seemed so nice the first few texts.

    Choose who you want to be. I choose the first. I am not affected by random strangers and I sure don’t attach meaning to it, first rule of dating is the 0 f$cks rule of dating. He ain’t real until he is acting and asks you to be his girlfriend.

    #935560 Reply

    Rina

    Yes. Because that’s what I said. I’m not going to continue reiterating things I’ve said time and time again now except to say one more time that we all have different opinions about the way we will allow ourselves to be treated. And we have to each decide when and where to draw the line and we each have a right to feel insulted – in any situation, not just dating – when we feel someone has been disrespectful. Hence my “rant.” There was no, “why did he do this?” or “my poor, emotional fragile state.” I used the forum as an outlet to speak to what personally offended me in that moment and why I found it gross. Again – that’s my opinion and my standard. I don’t expect anyone to agree with me – but that’s certainly not going to keep me from voicing it or feeling that way.

    And by the way – at no time ever did I say I met this man online. Not sure where that came from but as I said I. The beginning, I met him while out with friends. I point this out (again) only because I know full well how men (and women alike, I am sure) tend to behave on dating apps and as that is not behavior in which I choose to engage – I’m not on dating apps. Again, personal preference, but nonetheless I try to avoid that behavior at all cost because I know it just isn’t right for me and doesn’t suit what I’m looking for.

    #935561 Reply

    Mary

    Hi Rina,

    My comment was in regard to you asking what his schedule was for the weekend? In future dating, you want to only accept the date and not push by setting up the actual date. Otherwise, it could be perceived as being needy by a guy. Good girl in blocking him.

Viewing 25 posts - 1 through 25 (of 28 total)
Reply To: Just a small(‘ish) rant…
Your information:





<blockquote> <code> <pre> <em> <strong> <ul> <ol start=""> <li>