Is This A Problem?


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This topic contains 15 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Peggy 1 month ago.

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  • #775687 Reply

    Dina

    I have been with my boyfriend for about 5 years now. We see each other most weekends and talk every day. Normal stuff. But the past few years he made these new friends and they all seem obsessed with each other. They are all men and they are constantly texting each other. They hang out multiple times a week too to practice spiritual stuff. The group is a spiritual group. They stay at each other’s houses until midnight sometimes. The thing I noticed is when he is with me he is constantly checking his phone to see if they text him and if they do he has to text them right away. And no it’s not another woman because he doesn’t hide his phone and he texts right in front of me so I can see what he’s doing. Sometimes he has to stop what we are doing to answer them and constantly checking his phone in anticipation of their texts is getting annoying. I’ve already talked to him about it and he thinks it’s normal and I’m being weird for being annoyed by it. He certainly doesn’t look for my texts constantly, which tweaks me a little. Makes me wonder why he does with theirs. Sometimes he will go many hours before answering me, which I don’t care, but in comparison to them it seems odd and like they are more important and make him happier than I do. He doesn’t look for or get super excited over my texts. If we don’t text all day he doesn’t care but with them it’s like a weird bromance. I’ll even come into the house and he’s like I’m on the phone with…(one of the guys), and make me wait until he is good and done. He was never like this until he met these spiritual people. Also, it’s not like he’s 20 this is a 50 year old man. I’m not sure if I should just accept this and if it is normal or if it’s abnormal and I should be doing something about it. I would love some good advice. Thank you!

    #775688 Reply

    Raven

    Bromance…

    #775689 Reply

    Peggy

    Hi Dina-well whether it is abnormal or not-and who knows?-the fact is that you are feeling,neglected and annoyed. So IT IS A PROBLEM FOR YOU.
    It sounds like a “man club” and not something that interests you much anyway. Why have you been together so long without marriage etc.? Just curious how committed he seems/seemed to be before this? Anyway-you need to talk to him and set boundaries around this. Say he meets them once a week and you have a date night once a week etc. Or no calls after 8:00 etc. If he can’t or won’t do this-then he may be losing interest in the relationship or using this to avoid spending time with you.
    It reminds me of a question on another site that was similar,except the guy was into cycling-every day of the week and hours and hours at a time. Everyone who responded said the dame thing-he is avoiding you and has checked out of the marriage. So it was time for her to move on,as she had tried many times to get him to spend more time at home or couple activities and he did not/would not change. Bye bye time in that case.

    #775690 Reply

    Peggy

    said the same thing,not dame.

    #775691 Reply

    Anderson

    Was that a typo or did you actually mean it’s been years he’s been obsessed with this spiritual thing?

    #775692 Reply

    Anderson

    “Say he meets them once a week and you have a date night once a week etc. Or no calls after 8:00 etc.”

    I know some women like to play mommy with their partners, but has it ever actually worked for anyone? And if it has worked do they enjoy such a relationship?

    #775702 Reply

    Warasen

    This sounds cultish.

    #775705 Reply

    Nathalie

    Personally this is definitely a problem.

    I get that he feels joy around this group, this is good, however this is too much interaction. I believe he should balance things out. For example when he is with you at least he shouldn’t be with his phone. If talking to him didn’t help then make him feel that he might lose you over this.

    #775722 Reply

    kirstie

    I agree with Anderson – you can’t tell other people what they can or cannot do unless it’s illegal.

    I would suggest that you speak to him about how he sees his future with you. If he doesn’t see you making more of a commitment to each other over time, then you will know how he feels about you and your relationship, and can make a decision for yourself that meets your needs.

    #775724 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I agree with Kirstie (who agrees with Anderson, lol). Ultimatums don’t work. You can’t demand that he stop hanging out with this group. And why would you want to be in a relationship where you had to use ultimatums to get your boyfriend to spend time with you, anyway?

    However he is making it very clear what his priorities are– and they’re not you. He is making you unhappy with his lack of attention to your relationship, and that’s most definitely a problem. I think you should have a talk with him about it, but first think about what YOU want. Do you want marriage? (it’s OK if you don’t, especially since you both sound like you’re older- he’s 50- and you presumably don’t want kids; but after 5 years it would be perfectly understandable to want it). Do you want to move in together? Think about what YOU want and need from the relationship.

    I have a feeling that if you make the conversation about this spiritual group in particular, he will immediately get defensive, especially since you’ve already talked about it and he thinks you’re “weird” for being annoyed by it. So, I would suggest making the conversation about *your relationship* and where you see it going. If he can see you more often than “most weekends”. If he sees you moving in together, or getting married. Let his answers guide you in making a decision for yourself. If he doesn’t share your vision for the future, or prioritizes the spiritual group over your relationship, then there’s your answer.

    Final comment, I also agree with Warasen that the group sounds somewhat cultish…..is he giving them money? Are there *no women* at all in the group? I’ve never heard of a spiritual group that totally eliminates women.

    #775743 Reply

    Dina

    Wow! Thanks everyone I appreciate all the feedback. Most weekends he is with me. More often than not. We do Friday after work and I stay at his house Fri night, Sat, and Sun into Monday morning. They have meetings sometimes on a Friday night and if there is an event they have multiple meetings. Yes they are cultish and yes there are women but the ones he hangs with are men. The women aren’t obsessed. They don’t show up to everything but there are some men, about 3-4 that are just obsessed and my BF is one of them. He thinks it’s changed his life for the better and he wants to learn everything he can. The leader took him on as his apprentice so he has more work than most and he loves it. When I brought up the amount of time he spends on this he said I spend almost every single weekend day with you so obviously you are my 1st choice. He said he could be out every weekend night with these people but he chooses to be with me. He said but this is something he wants to do and is bettering his life so sometimes he will have to go to rituals and meetings and he wants me to support him. We are not living together or married yet because we had problems after he met this group. I hated it and he loved it and it was a huge adjustment so we broke up twice. So now we are back together for almost a year, next month is a year, and we are seeing if we can make it work. He has mentioned me moving in before but after we broke up that fell off. So I’ve been seeing if I can live with this thing. My friends keep telling me that if it’s not this it will be sports or something else and I have to let him do the things he loves. They also keep telling me the fascination will wear off eventually and once he gets to 3rd level, he is on 2 now, he will not have all the trainings anymore and it will calm down. But I don’t know. I am late 40’s and no I never wanted kids so that’s not an issue but I would like a life partner. He’s great in a lot of ways but I fear if I did marry him or move in most nights I will be alone and he will be living it up with his spiritual pals. I am getting too old to waste time but I don’t want to leave something that is good and has lots of potential either. I’m torn.

    #775753 Reply

    Peggy

    I was not saying Dina should “lay down the law” but that they talk and come to mutual “rules” to compromise around this. Also-there are “levels” here,Dina? Sounds very cult like to me. I guess only you can know him, and what you can live with or not.

    #775757 Reply

    kaye

    Your title is “Is this a problem?” and the answer is obviously YES it is for you! Otherwise you wouldn’t have had problems and broken up twice over this! It’s also the reason why living together isn’t on the table right now. Have you participated in this at all with him? I mean do you really know what’s going on? If he is becoming a better person because of this spiritual awakening then it seems to me you would have seen it. But if he’s just joined some cult and is obsessed with this group and can’t even leave his phone alone for fear they will text him then there is something more to this. I do think he feels like because he has kept your Friday night until Monday morning habit with you he feel he’s not neglecting you. So my question to you is each time you’ve gotten back together after breaking up over this “cult” what have been the ground rules? My husband and I broke up a couple times before we got back together and got married. Each time there were things that needed to change in order for us to get back together and work things out. Things both of us agreed to do or not do. What concessions/compromises has he made regarding this and what compromises have you made? 

    #775759 Reply

    Better off facing reality

    Dina, get you some real friends, plan stuff together, and stop complaining.

    #775760 Reply

    Better off facing reality

    -Ultimatums dont work
    -Trying to see his point of view doesn’t work.
    He’s not cheating on you there’s really no reason to leave him other than from a lack of attention.

    Your best bet is to start getting comfortable doing your own things without him. You don’t have to be attached at the hip. Give the guy some room.

    #775762 Reply

    Peggy

    “Reality facer”-Lack of attention has killed many a relationship! She seems to be okay with him doing his thing-most couples do not do everything together. His behavior in my opinion is extreme-this consumes much of his time. And maybe they have weekend time time,but what about when he moves through levels… it could be even busier for him then.

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