Is there any hope at all?


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This topic contains 41 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Lane 1 month, 4 weeks ago.

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  • #788615 Reply

    Emma

    I knew a guy from a dating app last Sep. We texted and then called every day and finally we met in person after about 2 weeks. It all went very well. In Jan, we had a long conversation and he admitted that he didn’t want to commit to a relationship with me. We rarely contacted each other for 1.5 months and started regular conversations after his birthday when I texted him. We had a few sexting and we slept together once. Then when I asked where this is going, he confirmed again that he didn’t want a relationship. I know that along the way, I was very insecure and probably appeared very needy. I even asked him whether he was just using me for sex. He spent a lot of time talking to me and explaining that wasn’t the case. He wanted to stay friends with me as he thinks that we have a connection. He of course wants the “benefits” part as he is physically attracted to me, but he’s also happy to not have those and only stay as friends. I just wonder whether there is any hope here at all…

    #788619 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Girl!!!! Snap out of it. That is a very sad story. Where is your dignity? There is definitely no hope of you getting any respect or a relationship. Stop disrespecting yourself and abandoning yourself to this person. He is not even a good man. How do I know this? Good men would not have taken what you offered because they know you want more. Bad men say… oh, she’s back, she must know what she is signing up for. Never again ever contact a man who dumps you.

    #788621 Reply

    Emma

    So it wasn’t because me being needy? It was him taking advantage and having no interest at all?

    #788622 Reply

    T from NY

    He is being honest with you!!! Know this — men would NEVER tell a girl they liked that they don’t want a relationship. They wouldn’t chance losing her. Women should NEVER accuse a man of using her for sex after he’s been honest where he’s at – and yet you continue to engage with him. Men are very able to separate sex and romance. He may want your body but he does not want to date you. He was honorable by not contacting you for a while – then you started the communication again. I don’t mean to be harsh but NO there is no hope. He isn’t choosing you or courting you. Develop self love so that you never have to deal with this again. You can train yourself to be turned OFF by men who don’t desire you. It’s takes effort and commitment – but you can do it.

    #788623 Reply

    Emma

    I know he’s being honest with me no doubt about that. I’m just not sure whether if I can my behaviour, i.e. not being so needy, things could turn around.

    #788624 Reply

    Anon 2

    There is no way to turn this around. He’s started he does not want a relationship…end of unfortunately

    #788625 Reply

    Anon 2

    Stated

    #788626 Reply

    Newbie

    Its really a good thing to try to become a more confident and less ‘needy’ woman. It would also be a good thing to hear and listen what a guy says. If he says he doesnt want to commit it means he doesnt want to commit. If you chose to have sex with him anyway, he will proces this as that you are with casual sex. So do try to change but for yourself, not to reform this guy. Playing not needy is just as needy as being needy

    #788627 Reply

    kaye

    I’m sorry but I agree with the others, I don’t see any hope in having a relationship with this guy. Men usually decide within a few months whether or not they was to commit to you and see a future with you. This man has told you TWICE he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you! As some of the others have pointed out, a man who is falling for you would never risk telling you he doesn’t want a relationship with you and you finding another guy! He has told you he wants to be friends and would entertain FWB if you would allow it. If I were you I would walk away. Because obviously you have feelings for this guy and sleeping with him is just going to make those deeper. And if you stay friends without benefits you aren’t going to want to hear about other women he’s dating, especially when he finds one he wants to commit to!  

    #788628 Reply

    Emma

    Thanks all for the advice. He said that he enjoyed our conversations and my company. He has opened up to me a lot more than other people. He is physically attracted to me. He wanted to spend time with chatting, having coffee, walks etc. I thought what made him not interested was me being too needy and pushed him to progress…

    #788632 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    You’re not listening to what people are telling you.
    Yes, he told you he enjoys your conversations and company. He also told you twice that he does not want a relationship with you. Why are you focusing on the first part and not the second?

    A man can enjoy your company, enjoy sex with you, and find you attractive, and still not want a relationship with you. Men are not wired the way women are. There are a lot of articles on this site about this topic, you should read them.

    You can’t push a man to progress. You can’t manipulate a man into a relationship through your behavior. He has to feel a spark with you and if the spark is not there, it’s just not there. You can’t create it.

    If this guy is telling you he doesn’t want a relationship, believe him, maintain your dignity and walk away. Because if you continue sleeping with him and hanging out with him, you’ll just develop more and more feelings for him. And meanwhile he’ll be dating/sleeping with other women since you two have no commitment. Then one day he’ll find a woman he DOES want to commit to, and you will be crushed.

    #788636 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Yes, you are really needy. Healthy women would have not contacted him after the first dumping. You you were needy and he took advantage, both at the same time.

    You are not getting cause and effect here. You did push him away. We don’t know what happened the first time you were seeing each other, but my guess is this was not new in some form. Next time a man is not starting to act and sound like a boyfriend by 6 weeks, dump him. Not that he is, but he is growing what is between you and planting the seeds.

    I honestly do not think you should be dating.

    #788638 Reply

    Emma

    I read some articles that are saying even if a man said he didn’t want to commit, you could still change your behaviours to make him want to in the end. So according to you all, this is absolutely non-sense? He doesn’t even have a slightest interest in me and no matter what I do, it’ll be the same outcome.

    #788639 Reply

    Lane

    You appear to be very young and naive, especially about how hormones affect woman and men very differently that causes a lot of confusion.

    Men do not have the hormones women do, and their brains are wired differently too which is why you will fail if you attempt to adopt yours to theirs. They are loaded with is testosterone which is why they are *sexually* driven and not emotionally driven like women are with estrogen. These are two different and competing hormones which is why a man can have sex with a different woman and never develop any *emotional feelings* for her. They are able to do this because their brain is wired differently too! Theirs is like a waffle that has a lot of different compartments (sexual, hearing, visual, smell, emotional, etc.) and sizes where they can only be in one compartment at a time…this is why they have a hard time hearing you when they are engrossed in a football game (takes them a few seconds to jump from their listening compartment to visual, and vice versa).

    Due to the high level of testosterone they produce their *sex compartment* is like the size of TEXAS, and their emotional region is like the size of Rhode Island. Since women don’t produce the level of testosterone men do, their brain emits a high level of emotions produced by estrogen that’s like the size of Texas and their sexual drive is closer to Rhode Island. Men can have a 100 thoughts of sex a day where a woman MIGHT have one or two to put it in perspective for you!

    In a nutshell, this man’s mind lives in TEXAS and has no desire to travel to Rhode Island to be with you. Trust me, there is NOTHING you can do to drag him to Rhode Island if his mind is adamant it doesn’t want to go there. It would be like trying to force him to climb Mt. McKinley if he hates hiking, or swimming from Germany to England if he can’t swim—that’s the kind of mental hurdle you’re dealing with. His mind is in control of how he feels and all its feeling is a friendship level, the same way he feels for his other friends, male or female. Of course he would be HAPPY for you to travel to see him in Texas (for some sex) but it will only be for a brief visit as he has no desire to travel to Rhode Island because he loves living in Texas. Hope this helps you to better understand some of the confusing differences between the sexes that you need to learn or you’ll be in Texas in a lot.

    #788640 Reply

    K

    1) You’re searching for something to do to make yourself more attractive to him to change his mind, AKA manipulate him into doing what you want him to do, which means you’re still too needy and insecure to be relationship-ready.

    2) It’s not good for you to stay “friends” with a man you secretly want more than friendship with. You’ll probably wind up as “friend with benefits” and he’ll drop you as soon as he finds a woman he wants, which could be anytime. You’ll be very hurt. Tell him that you understand he’s not interested in you romantically and its’ best for you to completely cut ties and move on, no further contact.

    #788641 Reply

    Newbie

    People sell that stuff, 25 texts that get him hooked, talk to his reptile brain etc. I do recommend the book why men love b!tches though. There is some logic behind it, mainly being an independant woman who knows what she wants and let men chase her, does attract guys. But you need some sort of connection and also something special that is you. You dont have that. Sexting and sex made him special to you but not the other way around (what lane explained). Meanwhile when you try to show your not needy side out of needyness, will make you look desperate. What i said before and what K said. Just accept its over, thats the best not needy attitude you can have here

    #788645 Reply

    Tallspicy

    You should not be dating. You are not emotionally sound Or stable enough to do so. I am going to be very harsh so you get it. Any person who throws themselves at a man in the face of not one rejection, but two where the man was very clear, needs to work on themselves. Any man who would want a woman who does what you did again is no stable either.

    Healthy people want people who have most of their life together.

    What behaviors would you change? You should not be talking to him? So any change on your part would go unnoticed

    #788647 Reply

    Emma

    He is jealous about my male colleagues. He has shown his vulnerability in front of me even though he is a very private person and he rarely does that to anyone. He teases me all the time and we really had good times together. I just thought that I didn’t give him enough space to pursue me but instead I threw myself into him. I thought that was the main reason why he lost his interest. All I wanted to know is whether I can do anything to reverse the damage done.

    #788649 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Emma,

    Just stop now. Please. You are seriously sounding unstable.

    We don’t know why he lost interest the first or the second time. But I doubt he was ever really interested despite your evidence. You don’t know him so stop saying the things he did for you and not others. And jealousy means nothing.

    You did not give him space to pursue you and you threw yourself at him. You should be focused on why you do that, not how to get him back. You don’t have to behave that way, but it is about healing yourself, forgiving yourself and finding yourself first.

    The damage cannot be reversed and the worse damage is to you and your own self.

    #788651 Reply

    Newbie

    You are doing the exact same thing here, like you did with that guy: you are not listening at all. I dont think youre unstable, i think you totally underestimated your hormones once you had sex with this guy. Youre infatuated and that makes you crazy. It will wear off. Look up oxytocin. It will explain a lot. Secondly your ego cant handle the fact he doesnt want you. But think of it: are you that special?
    For me the best way to get over a guy is to say to myself every time i start to think a ‘what if’ is say: i dont not want a man that doesnt want me! And thats the start of becoming less needy/anxious

    #788652 Reply

    Newbie

    I do not * lol

    #788655 Reply

    T from NY

    You can train yourself to stop being so anxious. And to stop being attracted to men who tell you they don’t want to be in a relationship with you. You CAN. It’s just like getting in shape physically. You have to put in the work. Do the exercises.
    Becoming emotionally fit (loving yourself) takes mental exercises. Therapy, journaling, reading things like Ask Polly and male dating coach Evan Marc Katz. (I highly recommend the online book Why He Disappeared. Or the book Hes Just Not that Into You. Both great and male perspectives.)

    With men always remember — it doesn’t matter what they said or did in the early stages. Their words and actions TODAY, each day are what matter. He has said he doesn’t want a relationship. You cannot win a man back that is crazy talk. This post is actually not about him at all — it’s about YOU. Please consider increasing your self love. It’s the only way to real happiness and a man who wants to be with you.

    #788656 Reply

    Emma

    First of all, thanks so much for being so patient with me and trying to help me. I really appreciate it.

    The first time, he withdrew every time after we had sex but then he came back. After we reconnected, he repeated the same pattern. Then I asked him whether he only just used me for sex. He spent a long time talking to me and explaining where he stands. I honestly don’t understand why he did it when he didn’t have any interest in me? Isn’t it a lot easier to just disappear? When I was feeling a bit down, he spent hours listening to me and was really engaged in our conversations as he said that he cared about me. He checked in to see whether I was ok afterwards. I wasn’t falling for him simply because of hormones or my ego. He acted like a big brother for me.
    He hasn’t had a long term relationship for over 15yrs since his 7yr relationship ended. He wasn’t sure why the girl dumped him but when I asked how come he didn’t propose after 7yrs. He simply said that he even didn’t think of it. Maybe he has some commitment issues and I was showing a lot of signs of pushing him to commit. This was why I thought it was my needy behaviour got where we are now.

    #788659 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    “He spent a long time talking to me and explaining where he stands. I honestly don’t understand why he did it when he didn’t have any interest in me? Isn’t it a lot easier to just disappear?”

    If he is enjoying your company, and enjoying having sex with you, he will want to keep you around. Keep you on the hook, so to speak. But he has told you point blank, more than once, that he doesn’t want a relationship with you. What part of that don’t you understand?

    He was perfectly fine with not seeing or contacting you for 1.5 months until you reached out to him. A man who had romantic feelings for a woman would not abstain from contacting her for 1.5 months. He does not have romantic feelings for you. He likes sex with you, and probably is getting an ego boost from the attention you’re giving him. That’s all the reason he needs to keep you around.

    You’re picking apart everything he said and did in hopes that you can find some magic solution to change his mind. That doesn’t work. You’re overcomplicating things. Men are actually pretty simple, if they want to be in a committed relationship with you, they make it clear.

    Whether this guy has commitment issues is beside the point. Who cares what his issues are? He’s said he doesn’t want a relationship with you and that’s all you need to know. You’re wasting your energy obsessing over what he said/did, or what you could have said or done differently.

    #788660 Reply

    Anon

    Does this logic still apply if it’s basically the same situation but the guy actually says he likes you?

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