Is there any hope at all?

He withdraws every time after sex because he wants to make it clear you two are NOT in a relationship. Then he comes back when he feels like it or when he’s horny again! Sorry to be crass but it’s true.

And a man who sees you as a romantic interest doesn’t “act like a big brother” to you. He acts like a boyfriend!!! This guy was a walking red flag knowing he hasn’t had a long term relationship in 15 years!! Then add to that he was in a 7 year relationship where he wouldn’t commit and I’m not sure why you are even asking if there is hope! The guy is obviously a commitment phobe! Who doesn’t even think of asking their girlfriend to marry them after 7 years?

You are still worrying about whether or not your needy behavior has pushed him away instead of realizing how lucky you are if that is the case! If you had been a go with the flow, not trying to find out where this was going, not trying to get him to commit to being your boyfriend for months, you could have wasted months and years of your life only to have this guy dump you when he did find a woman he wanted to commit to!! Which is probably what happened with the girl he dated for 7 years. She was cool and not pushing him and just going with it until she probably asked him why he hadn’t asked her to marry him and he said, I don’t know I guess I never even thought about it!! And she was out the door!! LOL

Actions people, not words.

I also would like to ask this question to all the wise girls here who tried to help me.

Should I have written him off as soon as I found out that he has not been in a long term relationship for 15yrs and he didn’t even think of proposing to his 7yr girlfriend? Are those hard facts that are enough to guarantee it won’t end well? Am I too naive to think that I’m different?

Jo, i also know cases is that, but you decided to date until proven quilty. Thats the trick Emma. You date and collect information. And you take your time. The tricky part is not to get attached to a guy too soon and keep busy with your life. In your case when he first said he doesnt want a relationship was the red flag to stop

Emma,

It is a orange flag, but if he was showing up for real, ok to see what happens – once.

You should have never spoken to him again after the first time he dumped you. It was worth a shot, assuming he was escalating things. When things ended the first time, but paying attention during based on his past.

Thank you all for your view and advice.

Based on the discussions, I think it’s a consensus view that this is a dead end and the best action I can take is to walk away to keep my dignity and sanity. It kind of hurts to think that someone who decided to dump me before he even wanted to try. It really sucks but I guess there is nothing that I can do. Any advice to overcome that feeling?

Attraction is extremely complicated and is often completely irrational. We can be attracted to someone or not because of a person they remind us of, their tone of voice, background, job and a whole host of things that are essentially meaningless. I personally could never date someone with a posh voice, and am put off by men who dress in neat tidy and expensive clothes, exactly the things that one of my friends finds most attractive. It’s a very personal and often shallow thing and it’s not a reflection on you whether you ring someone’s bell or not.

It sucks when someone we want doesn’t feel it, but many other men will and one will be right for you.

Emma,

You have learned a gem of a lesson and now have the right hat on!!! Keep at it…. your worth is not defined by what you do, it just is. So be nice to you, he doesn’t need to be. Take the lessons, don’t turn them into stories!!!

Emma, Jo hit some key points that I refer to as the “*it factor” which is there’s something about someone that just ‘clicks” and you want to be with them. We often don’t know what that “it” thing is but it compels the person to want to be with that person!

For instance, I was at a party with my BF when I met a guy, we chatted for about 10 minutes, and I went on my merry way. I had heard from a couple of his friends that he had a major crush on me but being that I with someone else I didn’t have any emotional feelings for him so I just said hi to him in passing. When I broke up with my BF, literally within HOURS of him finding out he started “the pursuit.” I however had zero care to be with anyone, needed some *me time* so my heart was walled and not penetrable following the break up. He wasn’t the only one as I had a few other suitors vying for my attention but again I didn’t care, had no desire to date or be with anyone, so I just hung out with them like I hung out with other comrades (was in the military). After a few months he was still trying to get my attention, showing up here and there, like my softball games, bingo, club, dorm parties, etc. where we just talked about work and non romantic stuff.

One day, in passing, he asked if I wanted to go to the club to see some our comrades play. I agreed as it was my night off (I worked swing and mid shifts). When I arrived he bought me a drink and we were just standing in the back, near the bar, listening to band. I don’t know what compelled me but I stuck my hand in his back pocket! He looked at me surprised, smiled really big, and said “really?” I nodded yes, he put his arm around my shoulders, and we were a couple! We got married 2.5 years later and it lasted over 20 years.

In a nutshell, when a guy knows, he knows, and he will do anything and everything to show and prove to YOU that he wants to be with you. The kicker is, you literally have to do nothing but be your normal self because you naturally (key word) posses the *it factor* so you don’t have to twist yourself into a pretzel or do anything to capture his heart because you already have it. If anything, they twist themselves into a pretzel to get your heart haha. Anything less is a waste of your time and energy.