This topic contains 9 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by GenX 1 month, 3 weeks ago.
October 14, 2021 at 8:05 pm #928704
So I am in need of advice as I have felt very low about this boy that I briefly dated. We met on tinder and after a few weeks of talking online we met up and slept together. At this point when I met him I wasn’t looking for anything specific including a relationship and was very open to casual fun but I have practically fell in love on first sight. I was not expecting for a guy that I met on my tinder to be exactly my type in every way possible and the way he made me feel when I was him was not something I have felt in a very long time.
After we met to my surprise he continued to text me everyday all day. I guess because I have met a lot of guys from tinder I just kind of expect for them to forget about me after we hook up. This made whatever feelings I had for him already, grow stronger, especially because we were talking all the time. He also came to see me again, and it was just as good and we spent most of the time just chilling together, cuddling and watching tv.
I then moved to university which is two hours away from where I live usually. This guy said he would come and see me despite the distance but when the time did come for him see me he only realized then how far I actually was. He almost did not come as he was worried he would not be able to afford it as fuel in the UK is very expensive and as well he does not have very much money. He then did end up coming when I told him I would not be at home for a little while because I needed to settle into uni. He stayed for 24 hours with me and it was really nice spending time with him, and I thought it went okay.
Anyway he did text me when got home and we continued to text from there but then he left me on read which was very unlike him as he would always try to continue the conversation before. I did not think much of it as we have been constantly texting for a month anyway, so I texted him a few days later and we had a little conversation but he then me on read again.
This has left me very hurt and as dramatic as this sounds I just have not been to function properly for the past week. I know this happens often when you meet a guy from tinder and usually I don’t care that much, but this time I have caught actual feelings and I don’t know what to do about it. Even if this was entirely casual to him it did not feel that like as he talked to me in a way that sounded like he preferred relationships, unlike most of the guys I talked to from tinder. He would talk to me about his problems and was just very open/vulnerable to me.
So basically I am thinking about messaging him one more time in a few weeks as it seems that he is not very keen on talking to me right now. I want to basically tell him I like him as something more than casual to see if he could possibly ever see me in that way. I just want to know if this is a completely bad idea as he has basically ghosted me. I feel that maybe because of the distance and because we were only in the early stages of dating that this may have played a part into him not messaging me in this past week, so i just also to make sure it is not because of that.
And finally I also would like an opinion as to whether you think he knows that I like him as more than something casual or not given the nature of how we met and the fact we slept together on our first date. I just want to know if telling a guy that you hooked up with that you actually like him might make him reconsider things with you or if you have any of these kind of experiences.
I am sorry for this long passage but I guess I am just tired of things not working out with guys I see and I know I am not going to meet a guy that I like like this in a long time.October 15, 2021 at 1:31 am #928706
I wouldn’t tell him. Maybe he did like you but it looks like 2h is a long drive for him but then again you need to realise before you say he is so perfect that you don’t even know him. You need more time to get to know someone before calling someone perfect match.October 15, 2021 at 1:33 am #928707
And also why do you want a guy who ghosted you? A guy who wasn’t even respectful enough to say sorry this isn’t for me . Have some self respect and let him goOctober 15, 2021 at 6:53 am #928709
Leave him aloneOctober 15, 2021 at 7:03 am #928710
We have all been there but unfortunately men do not respond well to a woman telling her their feelings if they don’t have them near or close to the same level she does. All it will do make you feel worse by adding a rejection on top of another. Don’t set yourself up to be rejected twice.
He realized it wasn’t “workable” and need to accept that not every guy you get infatuated with is going to pan out. FYI, most men can only keep up the high “communication” level for a short bit. Communication meets a ladies needs but men need ACTION (activities outside of the sheets) in order to form a bond, so if you’re unable to meet their needs they will find a lady who can.October 15, 2021 at 7:08 am #928711
Like Lane said, texting is good for women but men don’t bond through texting, they can text a lot of women at the same time, doesn’t mean they are into them and if he still on tinder then I am guessing he might have already found your replacementOctober 15, 2021 at 9:31 am #928712
“I am just tired of things not working out with guys I see”
“We met on tinder and after a few weeks of talking online we met up and slept together”- you slept with him on the first date
Here’s some advice. You’re young (a university student) so take it from someone who is probably old enough to be your mother, lol. Don’t sleep with a guy as soon as you meet him in person. Texting for weeks in advance doesn’t count. Guys do not bond with women over texting. He needs to get to know you in person to feel an attachment and develop a bond. This guy got what he wanted (sex) and has moved on.
If you are meeting guys on Tinder, texting, and then having sex, you’re going about it the wrong way. It’s not good to text for weeks/months at a time before meeting a guy because you develop a false sense of intimacy. You feel like you know the guy but you don’t. And as we’ve already said, guys don’t bond through texting. Try to meet a guy in person sooner rather than later, and don’t sleep with him immediately! Have him take you out on a few dates at least, so you can get to know each other and he can start to bond with you.
Also, I hate to say it, but at your age a lot of guys are not looking for anything serious. Many guys in university are just looking to hook up and play around. So you really need to weed out the ones who only want sex, if you’re looking for a relationship. That’s why it’s important not to sleep with a guy too soon. You don’t know a guy’s intentions through texting, you only know them through hanging out and getting to know him in person.
My advice about this guy is not to contact him. Just let it go. It sucks, but move on and date other guys. Spilling your emotions to him will not get the results you want. Lane is right, you’re just setting yourself up to be rejected, or left on read. He is not going to reply with an heartfelt, emotional response. He will most likely ignore the text and you’ll feel even worse.October 15, 2021 at 12:53 pm #928725
I think Ewa nailed it. You don’t know each other well and he experienced the reality of the situation, which is that it’s long-distance and too expensive for him to be able to see you often. While it sounds like you may actually like each other just fine, men also tend to be more pragmatic about these things before they get involved instead of getting carried away in the fantasy for long. When you’re both young and have other options (especially you, you’re away at university!) and don’t know each other well yet, I wouldn’t expect him to be that keen on investing in this because there’s sizable obstacles and it’s bad timing. So while normally I recommend good and direct communication and being honest about what you want, I do agree you’re probably setting yourself up to be rejected by not letting him lead in this case because there’s other factors beyond feelings to consider here.
The other points by other posters are good, too.
I know this situation hurts, but don’t fall into scarcity mentality that you’ll have trouble meeting other men who you like and are also available and genuinely interested in you, and that you are losing some rare chance. He’s just a guy you’re very attracted to but also don’t know well yet which is why there’s a fantasy aspect, because you’re filling in the gaps for what you don’t know about him. If you want a relationship instead of casual, take a little time to meet new men again when you are ready, and observe them (in person) for a few weeks before giving your heart away. If they are consistent, do NOT say things like “I only am looking for FWB no relationships,” and keep showing up for you as you get to know them, then they’re showing you they are worth taking more steps with. It won’t feel confusing and you won’t have to push anything along, either, if it’s a guy who wants the same things you do. They are out there!
Please try to enjoy being away at school instead of waiting around for someone who isn’t there to message you :)October 15, 2021 at 4:50 pm #928736
T from NY
No. It’s not.October 16, 2021 at 4:09 am #928752
I find whenever I try to tell younger women these days not to sleep with guys straight up after talking on Tinder they get really upset about it. It’s a message they don’t tend to hear.