This topic contains 7 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Gala 1 month, 2 weeks ago.
November 30, 2021 at 4:07 am #929731
I am a 27 year old woman and I have started dating again after 4-5 years. When I had been dating before this, I never paid on dates, and guys would always pay for me. Tbh, I as in college at that time and I didn’t really have a lot of money anyway, but now I work and can pay for myself, but it tbh it doesn’t feel like a date when the guy accepts my half of the bill. It feels like I just met a friend or something and I don’t feel like ending it with a kiss or any sort of flirting, basically I just don’t get attracted to the guy. Is this wrong of me? Many places I have read that men don’t respect women who expect them to pay. Should I practice going dutch till it feels comfortable? Because I don’t want guy to think or tell me that I owe them anything because they paid for a few dinners. And plus, how can you date so many guys like it is always advised to women if you are going to pay everytime, it just gets very expensive.November 30, 2021 at 9:14 am #929736
This is really a personal kind of thing and dependent on who you are with. It’s very rare for me to pay my own dinner bill when I’m out on a date or hanging out with male friends. My rule of thumb is to always make sure I can cover my own meal/drinks. And then I let the guy decide but I always offer a tip if he takes the bill. Sometimes it’s accepted, other times not.
I’m not even dating currently but have been hanging out a lot with a very close male friend. He refuses to let me pay whenever we are out. It’s a pride thing for him and the way he was raised. He doesn’t think a woman should have to pay for herself. It’s great if she can but he won’t let her because he likes the feeling of being able to provide for her. At least that was how he explained it when I asked.
You never owe a man anything just because he paid for dinner.November 30, 2021 at 9:59 am #929738
Well, to be fair, if a guy is dating multiple women, it will get very expensive for him to pay every time too!
Of course it’s OK to go 50-50 on dates (to answer your question). Gaia is totally right though, that it’s a personal thing. You can’t help your personal preferences. It also depends who you’re with. When I started dating my bf, on our first dates I was prepared to split the bill (I just sort of expected it) and he always insisted on paying. I liked the way it felt. I still would have been attracted to him if we had split the bill, but him doing that definitely made me feel like he was courting me. It took things up a level for me. So I get where you’re coming from.
I agree you should be prepared to pay your own way on dates, and if a guy is paying you could offer to pay the tip. But nowadays (especially with the post-Covid economy the way it is– things are more expensive, people have less money), I’d probably be a little more relaxed about this kind of thing if I were in your shoes. If a guy is dating several women he simply won’t be able to pay for everything all the time.
You could also aim for dates that aren’t expensive, to cut out the whole money issue– coffee, a drink at a bar, a bike ride or nice hike somewhere, a visit to a museum, etc. I always found dinner dates with someone I don’t know to be a bit awkward anyway (just my opinion). It was always more fun to me to do something interesting/active. But that’s just me.November 30, 2021 at 4:59 pm #929741
Totally agree with Gaia and Liz. Though most men still seem to pay for reasonably-priced first dates, always be prepared to pay (I’d usually suggest the location for first dates both for safety and to make sure I was choosing something I could afford and wouldn’t get mad if they didn’t end up paying), and if he pays you can offer to cover the tip. Or suggest going out on other cheaper activity dates.
Personally, the only times I was reaaally insistent on paying my own way was because I knew I didn’t like the guy at all and I wanted a clean break without expectations and to not see him again, lol.
From the other side of this, I know plenty of men who will always want to pay for early dates BUT take note if the woman offers to pay and if she says thank you when he pays the bill (even if she didn’t offer to chip in). Some will not want to see a woman again if she doesn’t offer even though they’d never actually let her pay, or if she doesn’t say thank you, because they see it as entitled and don’t feel they will be appreciated.
Which, in summary, means you will learn what each other’s personal preferences and values are and if they are compatible or not, so you really can’t go wrong no matter what you decide is your personal preference.
My other note on this is I do suspect all of us responding to you are older than you, so I’m not sure if there’s an attitude difference about this with guys in their 20s now. I stopped dating a year and a half ago and was dating guys in their 30s. So you can take that into consideration with the advice.November 30, 2021 at 7:02 pm #929743
I am of the “no way, you pay” mentality. If a man asks you out on a date, its his responsibility to pay, period. I’ve never offered nor volunteered to pay. I recall one asking once, where I gave him a big WTF face (as in hell no) and he picked it up lol.
However, for the first “meet & greet” such as a coffee shop (preferable), I have no qualm springing for my own cup of coffee as I too don’t believe it should be long (less than 45 minutes) or expensive. However, if there is mutual interest, especially on the man’s end, and he continues to ask me on dates, then I expect him to pay as it shows me he is making an investment; can provide; not stingy; has good manners; reliable, etc. Its those type of qualities/traits one should be looking for in a *potential* partner/mate.
If a dude can’t spring for a date they planned, then he can go on his merry way as I sure as heck am not going to support his hobby. I agree dating can be expensive but it doesn’t have to be as there are a lot of things you can do for free (walk in the park), or inexpensively (grab an ice cream/coffee/drink) until you both know if there is enough romantic interest to take it to the courtship level because that man wouldn’t ask a lady to pay, he would naturally WANT TO show her what a great provider, protector, BF/partner he would make and pick up the bill without complaint.December 1, 2021 at 11:21 am #929746
I’d always make the gesture to offer to split (and make sure I have enough as there are cases that terminal might not work or not having enough cash and you’ll might need to jump in otherwise it will be awkward). Very rarely men accept my offer and let me pay. I do the gesture but they decline insisting to pay for it. If I like the guy and he asks me out 2nd time then I’ll make the move this time saying “this time it’s my treat”. I make my own money also and so I got used to provide for myself rather than when I was a student and guys would pay for me (not a proud moment tbh). So make sure to thank them after and offer to pay next time. With my current boyfriend the first night we met he didn’t let me pay anything but the next day we went for lunch and I paid. He later told me this was something that impressed him in me as he wasn’t used to the woman even offering to pay half. So be authentic and if you feel you would like to pay for dinner do it. It happened one time that I paid for the date with an English man they are more open minded so he didn’t think it was weird but next time he invited for wine he paid everything. It’s also cultural thing as a lot of Austrians, Belgians, Germans asked me even to split the bill on the first date.December 1, 2021 at 1:46 pm #929747
IMO he should pay until you two become exclusive, then you can pay some of the time or offer tasty home cooked meals. In my experience, men who nitpick over going 50/50 have stingy, selfish personalities and are not worth your time.December 3, 2021 at 1:06 am #929769
This feels good..most of you feel the guy should pay..so I am.not the odd one out….but I will keep offering to pay..will go onna second date with someone who refuses to take it lol and I won’t be ashamed of it…I want a guy to treat me well, to take me out etc…even if it’s not an expensive thing but I like being taken care of on a date. Had another question, a friend of mine pointed out that those guys who pay for dates don’t really respect them….anyway I will take my call..