Is it bad to still have hope?


Home Forums Break Up Advice Is it bad to still have hope?

This topic contains 2 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Emily 1 month, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #827835 Reply

    Isabel

    My ex and I broke up a little over a month ago. We have been together for nearly 3 years however, over the summer he got close to new people who became his friends. These people consist of one male and two females who he worked with at his second job. The male friend, I was cool with and got along with but the females gave me bad vibes and it wasn’t because they were girls. One of them was a huge flirt and the other girl was like 4 years younger (we are 22yrs old) who dressed emo punk and was dating the other male friend’s cousin. My ex tried to have us all hang out and have me part of the group and I tried to hang out with them but there was a bad feeling I couldn’t shake when I was with all of them. The two girls wouldn’t look me in the eye like the were intimidated by me or something and wouldn’t really engage with me. I am the type of person who is quiet and shy but I’m always observing because I don’t trust people so easily. So I tried to be nice but I always got a bad feeling. September came and my ex started getting distant and he wasn’t really making an effort to hang out with me. When we did hang out he was always on his phone either playing games with his friends and constantly texting them. He would only make time for me at night after work. I felt a bit neglected and odd because he wasn’t giving me much attention and this wasn’t like him. We spoke about how I was feeling and he said that he would try and so when we did hang out, he wasn’t on his phone as much but there was still something different about him. He works 2 jobs now so he didn’t have a lot of time to hang out often. Which I understood however, he was making time for his friends and rarely for me. In the beginning of October, I attempted to break up with him because I still felt the same neglected and like something was off about him and I got his stuff ready and he came to pick it up at my place but we both decided not to break it off and that we would try. I’ll be honest, I had my flaws too, I pushed him away sometimes because I felt abandoned and I felt like he felt forced to be with me or something. I didn’t also appreciate the little time he gave me and I constantly told him that he doesn’t love me or care for me. So yeah, I have made mistakes too. Fast forward two weeks, I made plans for us to hang out one whole day together since we were both off and he agreed. The night before he told me that he was going to hang out with his friends because his male friend’s cousin was coming so that wanted to hang out a bit. I was a bit upset because we were going to hang out that night too but I just tried to be understanding. He called me that night when he got out of work and said that he didn’t really want to go but that he would be over my place shortly and that he would give me a call. This was at 10pm. I didn’t hear from him shortly and so I texted him at 2am because I was worried that he drank or got really high and he said he would be over in a bit. I had his laptop that he was letting me borrow for school and I saw his location said he was near me. He didn’t respond to my text so I called him about 45 minutes later. He didn’t answered but called me back as soon as the line ended and he sounded like he was high and I was upset so he stayed on the phone with me the whole time he drove to my place which I told him not to do. He came over and I was upset and I asked him where he was and he said at his friend’s house which wasn’t where his location said he was. So now I was even more upset that he just lied to me. I let him sleep because I know talking to him while he was high wasn’t going to get my anywhere. The next day was our day to spend time together but he woke up late because of the night before and he got a call from his manager who asked if he can cover a shift and my ex immediately said yes without consulting me. We specifically made plans for that day since we both had off and we didn’t have time for each other lately so I was super upset. He apologized and I just let him go. Later that night, he called me after he got out of work and wanted to come over and he was trying to apologize and explain that he needs the money and I tried to be understanding. We went to bed but I couldn’t stop being upset and ultimately, I told him that we needed to break up. I didn’t want to but I’ve been feeling like we needed a break from each other because something was wrong. We ended up staying up the whole night talking and by the morning he asked “do you really want to?” And I said “No, but nothing is changing”. We left for work that morning. I didn’t hear back until the following Monday after I sent him a text saying that I was happy to have been part of his life and that I still love him and all. He responded saying that his heart felt heavy and that he loves me too but that we need space apart and that he was grateful to have had me in his life as well and that he would always be there for me. I was heartbroken that night but I still felt something odd. I was on his laptop and I saw his messages to his friends. I saw the flirty one calling him “honey” and stuff like that and how he “looked cute” with the other female friend. Then I looked at the other messages from the emo punk female friend and they were flirting with each other. I was upset and I called him and said I needed to speak to him. We basically met up and I asked him if he cheated on me with his friend. He said that they only cuddled because they were both going through things (her just breaking up with her bf) and that they didn’t have sex or kiss. He drew the line there he said and I guess I believe him but also, I don’t know. I just don’t understand. We were always honest with each other but lately, it was like we were drifting apart but because of his friends. Now, I think he’s dating that emo punk friend. It’s crazy because this girl is 4 years younger and isn’t his taste at all and I know what his tastes are. How could he move on so quick? I think that right now they are in a rebound because they feel comforted by one another. I looked for him 3 times because I wanted answers. He always met with me and answered my questions. He said that I deserve answers and that he didn’t mean to hurt me. He felt like we were more opposition that compliment and that either way we kept coming to the conclusion that we needed space however long. I told him I loved him and he said that he did too. The second time we met which was a few days after that initial meeting, I asked if he loved me and he said no and I cried for a long time. The third time we met, I wanted to get more clarity because I still didn’t understand how everything happened. He told me that he missed me and that he feels like he still loves me and wants to try but he feels like he needs to make this mistake to see how he feels and what he wants. He was tearing up when we hugged goodbye and he kissed me on my forehead. I feel like we had such a strong connection and ever since his new friends came into his life, he changed. I haven’t contacted him but I still miss him and love him so much. He was my best friend, the one I told everything too and trusted and I was for him as well. I still hope that he will come back and I pray that if he truly loves me then he will fight for me and us and if we both feel the same about one another that we will both work it out but i know I have to also keep in mind that maybe it’s not meant to be. I haven’t given up on us but I’m using this time to be a better version of myself for myself because I was partly at fault for the break up.

    #827860 Reply

    Elvira

    Hi Isabel
    So sorry you’re going through this. A breakup is hard and even harder when you feel the person is with someone else. Speaking from experience there are several things I will suggest. First is you need to accept you broke up with him and questioning him after the fact is not helping. You felt something was off and your instincts were correct. He is not interested in being in a relationship with you right now and most likely with anyone at this moment. That is not your problem to fix it is his. The other thing I suggest is stop worrying about him being with someone else because you can drive yourself crazy with those thoughts. You cannot control what happens with him at this point. If it is a rebound he will realize it himself. You need to look at this as an opportunity to work on yourself and give yourself the attention you deserve to improve you. Wether that means physically, mentally or spiritually. See this as a break for yourself. Your were with him for 3 years …3 years of you focusing on someone else now it’s time for you. If it is meant to be he will come back, but by then you may realize someone else out there is better suited for you. Someone who respects you and isn’t hanging out with friends while his girlfriend is home! His actions seem immature and I feel you have a good head on your shoulders and did what you could. It is now time for him to realize what he had, but before you make any decisions make sure you take time to yourself with no contact with him. Good luck.

    #827865 Reply

    Emily

    I think you’re asking the wrong question. Instead of asking, are my feelings bad? try asking, do I want to be in a relationship where my reasonable need for time and attention is not being met?

    You seem focused on the details but the big picture is that the guy works multiple jobs and prioritizes friends over you despite multiple discussions. You shouldn’t have to discuss being important to your partner, by the way. If he doesn’t naturally make you a priority in his life, within reason, he’s not a good boyfriend.

    Why would you want to date someone like this?

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