Home › Forums › Did He Lose Interest? › Is he just over me or is the reason he gave actually the reason??
- This topic has 8 replies and was last updated 1 year, 6 months ago by
mama.
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Erin
So my ex (26M) and I (24F) had been together most of the year and ended it due to me needing more communication and him not being able to that and him having allergies to cats and me having them (he just takes antihistamines and is okay) and him saying that means we cant live together.
We got back together a week later for just over a week, we agreed to compromise- i understand that he is busy at work so dont need constant conversations and a call at the end of the day is perfect, he would try get used to the cats (i live in a 30sqm flat with 4 cats, its not great but it’s manageable and would be different in a normal sized house) he stayed over twice the whole time we dated which was never an issue to me.
The last time he did he had to leave because i forgot to clean and his allergies were bad. At dinner the next night (3 days ago) and we were talking about where we would go for dinner the next night and what to do the next day and after he returns from an upcoming work trip. It was lovely.
Then I asked if he was feeling better after the allergies and he said “yes but we will never be able to live together” my heart sank our food came out and we ate in silence then left.
He ended it on the way home and at his and said that he couldn’t see a future or us being together because of the cats and that he wasn’t sure this is what he wanted but he thinks its best.
It was like he panicked and had to break it off because he said that out loud. He walked me to my car and i asked again if this is really what he wants and he said “im not sure but you will hear from me, im sorry” and that was it…nothing since.Im confused and heartbroken and I am worried he has another reason, he has never been in a relationship and i am his first GF but Im in shock at how quickly it turned.
I havent contacted him or reached out (nor will i) as this was his decision. I just dont know what to do or what to think because it was so random and sudden…
Does this mean he is emotionally immature or has work of his own to do or that he wasnt into me anymore?? It seemed like he was, he called me sexy on our way to dinner and tapped my bum (he always did this).
Ewa
he is 26 and never had a gf? was this not a bit weird to you when you started dating?
he knew about his allergies and was ok with you having cats for most of the year and now he isn’t? seems a bit strange but in a way I can understand this can be an issue, but at the same time I feel like he wanted to end it and just used your cats as an excuse. It is not something you can question really and you certainly won’t get rid of your cats for him so he knew what he was doing when giving you this reason.
I have a feeling he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship and him being 26 and only having one girlfriend , he still wants to explore other options before fully committing to someone.
But you are still young and seem very mature so you’ll be fine :)
Tammy
I just think at the end it was too much of a hassle to deal with his constant allergies. It was just the start so though he liked you he had a rethink..i wldnt analyse too much. Move on
Raven
How do you forget to clean up after 4 cats in such a small space?
Tallspicy
We can’t answer these questions for you and when people break up they might not even know the real reason. They share what they share, but closure is not theirs to give, it is yours to find in yourself through your own value. They will never give you a good enough answer anyhow.
It sounds like he was already concerned about compatibility. And then found reasons and concocted a story to back it up. That is what humans do, just as you are doing about the breakup and what you think actually happened.
I have no idea how serious you two were or not, and it always sucks to be back and forth, and to end things over things that were the case from day 1. We will never know.
Hugs to you, find your own closure, love up on the cats and find someone who will love you as a cat mom. Cat allergies are no joke, and can sour anything not realllllllly deep.
Tallspicy
We can’t answer these questions for you and when people break up they might not even know the real reason. They share what they share, but closure is not theirs to give, it is yours to find in yourself through your own value. They will never give you a good enough answer anyhow.
It sounds like he was already concerned about compatibility. And then found reasons and concocted a story to back it up. That is what humans do, just as you are doing about the breakup and what you think actually happened.
I have no idea how serious you two were or not, and it always sucks to be back and forth, and to end things over things that were the case from day 1. We will never know.
Hugs to you, find your own closure, love up on the cats and find someone who will love you as a cat mom. Cat allergies are no joke, and can sour anything not realllllllly deep.
Tallspicy
Btw, never again stay at someones house exclusively. The reality is if he had to stay by you more often, this would have made or broke it in a more reasonable amount of time. By staying at his place, he never had to really think about if it could work. And I wonder, would you have gotten rid of the cats?
Maddie
I think it’s very legit if he has never had a gf before and isn’t totally sure what he wants yet in life that he gave things a chance and discovered they didn’t work for him. And that it took him a longer while to figure out due to his lack of experience. He may have thought he could handle the cats, but then nothing was changing and he was getting sick from them, so he decided your long-term lifestyles are incompatible. He’s not going to ask you to get rid of 4 cats for him, that’s not fair. But even if it was something else, does that really matter? He may have been trying to be nice by not mentioning another reason it wasn’t working for him, but in my experience that generally means those reasons aren’t worth mentioning. Because they involve something you can’t or shouldn’t necessarily change about yourself, and they may be incompatible with him but might be completely fine for someone else. So why should the person risk giving you a complex about yourself over something neutral? Or he may have had his own issues unrelated to you, especially if he’d never had a girlfriend before his mid-20s. Or it might have been exactly what he said about the cats.
But whichever it is, the outcome is the same and there’s no reason for you to search for reasons to beat yourself up about it. Don’t minimize the fact that it wasn’t the best relationship match for you either, as having someone who you don’t feel communicates well with you after 9 months is a pretty big problem and long-term relationship incompatibility. Give yourself some time to get over it, it will get better than it feels now.
mama
“me needing more communication and him not being able to [do] that and him having allergies to cats and me having them”
This was not sudden or random. You guys were not a good match. He knew it, felt it, and if he had more experience with relationships, it probably would have ended sooner.
And I’ll repeat Raven’s question… how does one “forget” to clean up after FOUR cats when this person has said they were allergic and that was a condition of getting back together? FOUR cats, small space, allergic boyfriend. Forgot?
People don’t change. Accept someone as they are or move along. I offer that advice to you AND your ex. I wish you peace in your healing. <3
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