This topic contains 21 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Winnie 1 week, 2 days ago.
November 8, 2019 at 6:13 am #776974
So I like this guy. We chat a lot and it seems we get on. I’ve only met him once on a night out. Since then there’s been a few failed attempts to meet up and all the chat has been on text. This has been going on for 2 and half months.
He has made it clear he only want FWB. I have made it clear I don’t want that but nothing seems to be moving. He hasn’t asked me out. Nothing!
What can I do to turn this around?
I know they say don’t lead with anything sexual if you want a relationship but from the constant chat it’s obvious he’s interested but I don’t want to be another girl who just hooks up with him!November 8, 2019 at 7:46 am #776975
“Is FWB worth it?”
Not when you originally/secretly want more.
“What can I do to turn this around?”
Invite him to your place. Lock him in your basement. Tie him up, put duct tape on his mouth so people can’t hear his screams. That is the only way you will turn his FWB intentions into something long-termNovember 8, 2019 at 8:30 am #776977
Trying to form a relationship with a man who only wants sex from you is a great way to go nuts.
Invest your energy in a guy who wants to date you. And he is being a good guy, not leading you on. So WALK AWAY.
9/10 really sad women who post here do so because they thought FWB or casual would lead to a relationship, so they slept with the guy.November 8, 2019 at 8:31 am #776978
And Anderson is spot on in the only way to make a FWB long term.November 8, 2019 at 10:11 am #776983
You can’t do anything to turn this around, because you can’t sex a guy into a relationship. This guy is being clear with you that he only wants sex. At least he’s being honest about what his intentions are.
I would let this one go because you don’t want the same things. Like anon said, invest your time & energy in a guy who wants the same things you do, rather than beating your head against a wall trying to change this guy.November 8, 2019 at 10:25 am #776984
T from NY
FWB is definitely not for almost any woman. F-Buddy yes. FWB – no. The sheer act of hanging out, eating together or doing coupley things messes with endorphins in women’s brains. Its biology! I’ve only been successful with having F-Buddies in the past because I am able to separate sex from romantic attachment. But I have VERY strict rules about how I conduct myself and how I require the man to act.
In truth – there are also not many men who can successfully engage in F-Buddy or FWB. Why? Because most men get turned off easily if the woman is “so available” sexually. Or because the man THINKs he wants that arrangement, but then are bummed when they realize the woman REALLY isn’t pining over them and so their ego is hurt. Or they begin to disrespect you (for wanting the same thing they do) and begin to treat you disrespectfully or callously. The longest I’ve ever had a Buddy (someone 16yrs my junior) was 9 mos. That organically ran its course and fizzled. When this happens you HAVE TO BE OK with it. The last time he was over I literally coached him how to ask out someone his age he has a crush on. He has ALWAYS treated me with respect, consideration, kindness and affection.
But there will be no text from me asking why we haven’t hung out? Or if it’s over? There absolutely none needed. I make my choices if he ever contacts me again AND I always practiced safe sex.
Casual does not have to mean no respect, loss of dignity or heartache. BUT only if it’s practiced properly. You can’t hang out with someone, talk constantly, and do things together while having sex and not expect to NOT catch feelings. I didn’t allow excessive texting, staying over, no dates NOTHING expect occasional evenings together – and was not available a lot of the time. But if this guy isn’t asking you out – just texting you and already hem-hawing around – he’s already very low interest, not communicative and therefore not treating you well. So not a good bet.
Sometimes men (I believe subconsciously) put out there they would be open to FWB just to see if the girl will agree to get their ego boosted, then immediately lose respect because of their biology to want to WIN something and because they’ve been raised in a hypocritical culture — that is JUST BARELY beginning to make efforts to change. I definitely would advise you to move on. Hope this helps.November 8, 2019 at 11:42 am #776987
To answer the title, Yes FWB is worth it, if thats what you want. Why do women settle for less, be single, be free find a man that loves you and chases you, period.November 8, 2019 at 11:43 am #776988
He’s already told you what he wants.
And by his actions he is sticking to that. He won’t even go on a date with you.
At this point you are wasting time. Move on and find someone else.
If you cave in you’ll be here in a few months posting about your feelings and how you can change the arrangement.
Be wise and don’t fall into this, he’s not the only guy out there.November 8, 2019 at 12:09 pm #776991
It’s not worth it. Hands down.
FWB is an unnatural relationship in which feelings, if they develop, as emotionally healthy people usually have naturally, are to be denied or suppressed or discouraged.
You’re welcome to share your bodies but not your emotions, and you do weird things when the inevitable feelings begin to surface (such as staying away from the other person) but then the desire for him/her drives you back to them so you’re in constant limbo over what is really going on without the freedom to discuss it (remember, we both voluntarily agreed under no duress it’s only FWB).
It’s when one or both people swore they didn’t want a relationship but then somehow fell in love and can’t let go, so all you can do it sit and hope and browse these sites for answers you need but can’t get from the person who possibly has them.
It’s when they come over and you see them and feel good, feel secure, feel happy and then when they are absent you realize you have no right to want to see them much less ask.
Having your self-worth eroded away as you search on google countless times how they couldn’t love you, then ask all your friends the same stupid question, is the travesty called FWB.
Trust me. My “relationship” has been labeled FWB for 8.5 months. It’s the cruelest thing I’ve done to myself, and I can’t let go.
He’s been kind enough to be honest. I’d say cut the friendship loose if you want more. I do believe anything is possible but it’s setting up a painful uphill journey for you.November 8, 2019 at 12:25 pm #776992
NaRi “and I can’t let go.”
can’t = won’t
Won’t = should
Should = will
Will = haveNovember 8, 2019 at 1:20 pm #776993
“The longest I’ve ever had a Buddy (someone 16yrs my junior) was 9 mos.”
Yeah, my experience is that it works best with someone totally out of the realm of something real panning out with. That way when it ends, it’s just what it was vs a rejection. Like my young FWB wants kids, I can’t have kids, we both know there is an end date to our thing and that is that.
If you approach casual or FWB with someone you want a relationship with, it’s going to end when they meet the one, because if you were the one, they’d date you. And if you want to be the one, that is gonna hurt in a really bad way.November 8, 2019 at 1:31 pm #776995
Is FWB worth WHAT exactly??
Are you asking if you should sleep with him on his terms on the hope he will realize how awesome you are and suddenly, magically want you for his girlfriend? And when that doesn’t happen, because it pretty much never does, taking the gamble it could have gone your way will be worth the broken heart and feeling used because you offered up your body for nothing?
The guy has been 100% honest and told you he only wants NSA sex. But you’ve taken that up as a challenge to get him to want you for more.
The real question is why you are so willing to waste your time and give so much of yourself for nothing. Not how can you change his mind.November 8, 2019 at 4:14 pm #777007
I finally just got the guy after 4 months of being FWB.
He was deeply hurt and scared of relationships so was guarded and swore up and down he didn’t want a relationship at the time. He did make it clear he was looking for happiness “eventually.”
I’m going through a complicated divorce (even currently) and also didn’t think I was ready for a relationship. He gave me so many mixed signals I didn’t know what he was thinking. I knew he liked me but started to question whether or not he actually wanted to be with ME. I kind of started thinking he was taking me for granted. We were spending a lot of time together and acting like a real couple, but the label and a lot of the physical affection wasn’t there.
At first it was a booty call. I was kind of okay with that, I hadn’t had sex in two years and was hungry for male attention.
He also hadn’t been with anyone in over a year. It was pure chemical attraction at first.
Until about a month into this I realized this man was worth trying to keep around. He’s an amazing single father and just a very well-rounded individual.
Problem: I didn’t know what he thought about me.
I was trying to figure out how to distance myself from him to see if the space would make him realize he wanted me too. After a lot of thinking and reading this website I realized he was trying to convince himself that he didn’t want a relationship with me, but I just knew that he did.
There were a lot of subtle signs I noticed he made that led me to realize he really did want me around. It’s thanks to this website that I noticed them! He used words like “we” and “let’s.” He made a lot of jokes about me seeing other guys and teased me about it but not in a hurtful way. He made a lot if “if you were my girlfriend, I’d do this…” comments and proceeded to do said action. Once he mentioned that action, he never mentioned it again but kept doing the thing he mentioned. Did that mean he wanted me to be his girlfriend?
Turns out that he did. It turned out that we both were trying to give the other space slowly but surely by not hanging around. The breaking point for him is that he went on a date with a girl and couldn’t stop thinking about me. He felt guilty he was there and wasn’t having a good time. He came to my house on a worknight at 1:30 in the morning and confessed he wanted to be my boyfriend.
FWB can work out but you have to make a real connection on the friend level first. Don’t push the fact that you want something more before he’s ready or he’ll only run away. I definitely wanted a relationship before he did. Follow your gutNovember 8, 2019 at 5:12 pm #777009
This is great SS, glad it worked out for you… problem is you’re the 1 in 1000 that has a happy ending to FWB. The other 999 are here posting because their self esteem has been destroyed because their FWB didn’t want more.
In this case, the OP is NOT OK with being a booty call while in the beginning you were. You didn’t care at first and it sounds like you didn’t get all hung up on him. So that’s probably why it worked out – you weren’t attached to the outcome.November 8, 2019 at 8:08 pm #777025
Good advice isn’t based on relationship experiences that are outliers.November 9, 2019 at 1:48 am #777036
There are always exceptions to the rule- Unfortunately, the road is out numbered by casualties…November 11, 2019 at 9:05 am #777164
Oh I was definitely hung up on him and it ate me alive not knowing how he felt. I was giving it my all and receiving nothing in return.
The best thing you could do is actually try to meet up and make a connection. That was my point at the end of my story. Sounds like you haven’t made any connection from his point of view. You met once and haven’t seen each other again but texted for months? WHY are you trying to let him make the first move? If he has no incentive to he won’t. It’s okay for you to be bold every now and then, ask HIM out.
Sounds like OP is actually caught up on him without knowing who he is. You’re caught up in the idea of him. It’s okay it happens. Happened to me too. You just need to fight your feelings for a little while and see where it goes naturally. You can’t push how you feel onto him or he will know that you’re already into him. Don’t show him that you’re willing to do anything and everything for him so soon or he’ll think you’re clingy.November 11, 2019 at 6:51 pm #777204
I hate that it has to be difficult to be a friend with benefits. I hate that there is the game of losing respect etc. I don’t want a relationship. I don’t want to hang out or even talk to someone everyday. I thought I had found a like minded individual. I have been friends with a guy that I was hanging out with for a very long time. We hadn’t seen each other in years, so we made plans to go to a concert. We ended up sleeping together (for the first time). Well, this happened several times over the next couple of months. We had a blast! Next thing I know, he has basically stopped communicating. When I have attempted to communicate with him, he has been rude. Since I do not want a relationship or drama, that was enough for me, but I am quite disappointed.November 12, 2019 at 7:46 am #777236
Better off single
What the heck is sssooo special about this guy that keeps you holding out for something more?
Does his d×ck vibrate?
He has made it clear he only wants FWB. What an insult! You’re good enough to get naked but not create an intimate lasting bond with!? Be a partner in crime? Be the marshmallows to your hot cocoa?
Keep walking it’s not worth risking the heartache.November 13, 2019 at 3:58 am #777376
Amazing advice! Thanks everyone!
I’m not chasing or pursuing him! I know my worth and I know what I want, I’m not trying to force anything on anyone. We’ve chatted because we seem to get on! I told him there was no point in it tho and cut it.. that lasted a short time before I heard from again.
Anyway, I’ve pulled back. I don’t initiate conversations. He seems to be reaching out more to me and has asked to meet upNovember 13, 2019 at 10:29 am #777382
Be very careful. You’ve now set yourself up as a challenge. It’s possible that he’ll now pursue you with no intent on doing anything but getting you into bed and will disappear as soon as he’s bagged you. There’s also a remote possibility that since you’ve pulled him up for telling you he only wants casual, he could realize that’s not what he wants. It depends on how emotionally available he is. If he’s recently broken up with someone, don’t waste your time.
Your call as to whether you see him or keep communicating. Just know you’re playing with fire and you have to stay in command of yourself and protect your heart. You really have to not give a damn what he does or doesn’t do if you’re going to proceed at all.November 13, 2019 at 11:29 am #777385
Thanks K. Such great advice.
I don’t really have any intentions here after reading all the comments, it’s clear, fwb or anything like that is a bad idea.
How do you mean you have to not give a damn what he does or doesn’t do if I proceed?