This topic contains 12 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by kaye 4 months, 2 weeks ago.
October 5, 2019 at 9:42 pm #774949
This post probs won’t win me a popularity badge, but I don’t care.
I’m owning this right now, because I NEED advice/tips on how to get better.
I’ve been cheated on, by all my partners, my parents dont actually give 2 F’s about me, every guy I’ve dated has lied, I was bulled a lot at school. The result? A 34 years old ANGRY & BITTER woman and I hate it. I’m filled with HATE and a deep rage and nothing helps. I’m currently in counselling as an FYI.
My current partner? When we had a break he got with another woman. I’m very hateful of her, and I called her ugly tonight. Not even lying tho, she really is ugly. Thats not even my anger/horrible side coming out. Anyways, my partner refused to comment saying “I won’t be hateful on her” and this angered me. I mean right, he literally slept with her when we was on a break and lied about it all. When in a fight? He will ALWAYS defend her.
Ive became this nasty, bitter woman who feels like every, single persons in my life, puts everyone else first. I am no ones priority. Its like no one gave a damn about my feelings. When I call her ugly, he replied wtf is wrong with you. I know 90% of you all will hate on me for that, but it feels like he puts other peoples feelings above mines. Jut like all my ex’s, just like my parents. And deep down there is a strong, burning hate – for everyone. I feel as the years go by, its getting stronger.
Ive had many relationships (13 boyfriends) and all of them cheated. All of them. My last partner cheated and refused to stop mailing the girls even after cheating and when I walked away? He just carried on with the girls he cheated on me with.
I recognise this toxic part to me. I just can’t change this. Ive had therapy for 2 full years. I dont know how to stop myself being consumed by hate and resentment.
I often feel like I am a horrible person. I dont like admitting this. This is the first time I’ve opened unto this, I haven’t told my friends through embarrassment. But I know I need to change this. Is there anything I can do?October 5, 2019 at 9:45 pm #774950
No offense, but…
You need to develop a better ‘picker’
I bet you’re settling for these clowns, right?October 5, 2019 at 9:57 pm #774951
My friends hate my current partner. Like HATE.
Actually I think they hated them all. I do to actually. I do feel like I am settling, but at the same time, everyone treats me this way so I’m like yeah, why leave when the next mans going to F me about.October 5, 2019 at 10:09 pm #774952
I think the first step should be breaking up with your current partner. I don’t think anyone will hate you because you called this woman ‘ugly’… this doesn’t make you a horrible person, this is a natural reaction. But you’re remaining in a situation that is triggering it. It sounds like your partner can’t own what he did – since his reply was ‘wtf is wrong with you?’ duh… what does he think it is, maybe something to do with how he treats you? and since he always defends her. it doesn’t take that much sensitivity to understand what cheating does to someone. and I get it that you were on a break, so technically this was not cheating, but come on with this bs. also, with your history, naturally this will be even more painful. I think it’s great that you’re in therapy because obviously there is some bad pattern with your relationships. And anger is sooo difficult to deal with… it will take time. running helps or any other physical activity. but first, free yourself of the toxic relationship that you’re now in, it’s definitely not helping.October 8, 2019 at 8:52 am #775137
Better off single
You need JesusOctober 8, 2019 at 9:26 am #775139
First off. I hear you.
However, while it feels good to get angry at the women your man is cheating with, turn that rage on him.
I was where you are a while back, throw in a spate of deaths and the last 3 years have not been kind to me. Think pretty girl with a lot of money, bad taste in men and searingly lonely. Like alone enough that when my mom died, I actually had no one to call. Alone enough that my only option for a ride to dental surgery was uber. And yes it makes you ragey because I was accounting for all the things I had done for people in my past.
If I were you, I would step back from dating and relationships. If you want a child, develop a solid Plan B that does not require a partner. Secure your financial situation if needed. Reflect on what YOU want your life to look like without a partner. Make movement towards that life.
Second, step away from social media and the idea that “coupledom” is required to be happy. Most of the women on social media are full of BS about how great their relationships are. Stop settling to “have a man”. Women who settle to “have a man” are generally really unhappy. You do not require a man to be happy.
Third, find a physical outlet for your rage. The gym. Running. Weightlifting. Boxing. Exhaust your body.
Also, I think when we are full of rage and can not make relationships work, personally we are on the wrong path. Are you actually living the life you want? Are you on the right career path, living in the right community, caring for yourself the right way?October 8, 2019 at 1:14 pm #775156
Perhaps you don’t know what it is like to live drama free.
Maybe you are so accustomed to arguing and blaming and complaining and feeling used and feeling sorry for yourself that you don’t know any other way.
I have never had a harsh word with any family member. I automatically avoid drama.
Think about how to live a drama free life.
You don’t want to be one of those old ladies who can’t get along with anyone because of your constant gossiping, complaining and fault finding.
I noticed your complaints are about how others treat you. Maybe you are an unpleasant and unwise person.
Do you get along with others?October 8, 2019 at 2:38 pm #775163
anon, yes. I am pretty lonely. Lonely enough that when I travelled the world for four years my family didn’t once call me. When I was in hospital whilst travelling, my family didnt
even mail to check in on me. It makes me ragey.
I have been thinking of a solid plan B for a child, going down the bank route. Which I will do in a few more years if I haven’t met anyone.
I certainly am not living the life I want. In any way. But I will aim to change this. I want to work for myself, in stead of working for someone else’s dream. I’ll have to take steps into going forwards. I dont crae for myself the right way either in that I mean, I go to bed late, struggle to sleep and spend time hating on how I look/others. I need to change everything in my life right now.
Dangerouse,I am defo unpleasant to get along with. Im bitter. I hate everyone. I have life of drama that I actually dont know any other way. All ive done is spend my days being in a bad state of affairs with people. I have a lot of self improvement to do.October 8, 2019 at 2:51 pm #775164
I think you are very self-reflective and that’s a huge step towards making positive change. The first step to being able to change is recognizing the problem. You are to be commended for recognizing your negative behavior and owning it.
I think you’ve received some good advice here so far. I agree that putting romantic relationships on the back burner for now is a good idea. You’re not going to attract men who are healthy, if you are unhealthy. And you don’t need a man to be happy, it really is true. You have to be happy on your own.
A good step forward would be to take control of your life. Develop better habits, care for yourself, exercise (honestly regular exercise has helped me so much). Pursue things you love as hobbies, whatever it may be. Just try different things, see what you’re passionate about. Focus on yourself. Don’t worry about seeking external validation. Do things for yourself. Don’t compare yourself. Once you’re able to find some semblance of internal peace, you won’t be angry and hating on others all the time. Easier said than done, I know.
It’s great that you’re in therapy. Do you feel you’ve made progress after 2 years? It doesn’t sound like it, if your rage continues to grow. Maybe consider finding a different therapist? I know it’s really important to have a good relationship and connection with a therapist in order to make progress. If you feel you’re moving forward, great. If not, maybe think about what needs to change in order for your therapy to be as healing as possible.
I wish you the best of luck!October 8, 2019 at 3:43 pm #775171
I think you’ve gotten some really good advice. I think you need to channel that energy and rage into something positive! If it’s starting you own business to build your own dreams and not someone else’s then use it for that. Just like Taylor Swift has used all her relationship pain and breakups and public feuds to make music and become a multi-millionaire, you can channel your hurt and anger into something positive too!
Forget about dating for awhile. Instead set up your life they way you want to. Do you want to live where you have a view of the beach or mountains every day? Focus on moving and buying you a place. Do you want to start your own business? Get together a business plan and slowly start developing it and putting money away or securing bank financing.
You are the only one who can turn your life into what you want because you’re the only one who knows what you want. I know people who have struggled to sleep at night who turn that energy into a part time business in the middle of the night.. like Uber or Waitr. Steven King saw a childhood friend run over by a train and used his nightmares to write books and have more books adapted to movies than any other author.
You can turn your negatives into a positive. You feel like your parents don’t care about you? Become a volunteer for Big Brothers/Big Sisters (or a similar organization in your area) and show a child there are caring people out there. You can’t imagine the good feeling you get from doing unselfish things for other people.October 8, 2019 at 4:14 pm #775173
Re: what Kaye said about volunteering, yeah, I was actually going to suggest that too. Volunteering is a great way to do something unselfish and can really change your perspective. Just find something you’re passionate about. Whether it’s working with kids, or animals, or senior citizens, or the homeless. Or, volunteering for things like park cleanups in your town. Or organizing food drives for the local food pantry. It can be pretty much anything. The most important part is that it brings meaning to YOUR life. Be honest with yourself. If you hate kids, don’t volunteer with kids. If you’re afraid of dogs, don’t volunteer at an animal shelter. It’s OK. Just find something that’s a good fit for you personally.
The plus side of that is that you meet other people who are unselfish and generally speaking, have a positive vibe. And the vibe is infectious. It’s hard to hate humanity when you’re doing good things, with good people. As corny as this sounds, it’s absolutely true.October 8, 2019 at 7:46 pm #775183
Check out Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. He talks about drama attracting drama. You are aware which is huge for change. I belueve the first step for a change is solitude (without a relationship).October 9, 2019 at 10:46 am #775217
“It’s hard to hate humanity when you’re doing good things, with good people. As corny as this sounds, it’s absolutely true.”
Liz you are so right!! When you are actually around people who care, are making a difference and not even getting paid for it you realize the world is not such a bad place after all!!