This topic contains 24 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Lisa 9 months, 1 week ago.
December 13, 2019 at 8:12 am #780515
So my “boyfriend” appears to be married still. Some context- We’ve been together only about 6 weeks, things moved fast and he asked me to be exclusive a couple of weeks ago.
I’ve always had a nagging feeling in my gut that i could never figure out if it was a warning or excitement. It was extremely passionate from the off and no red flags until just before he asked me to be exclusive. I’d stepped back because i didn’t like how he was being at the time as on three occasions he had made plans and then not followed up to cancel so leaving me hanging. We talked about it, he apologised and gave his reasons and i accepted them. Things improved.
So on Wednesday i was working with a friend and she asked how things were etc. I made some comments about being a bit unsure if i actually want an exclusive relationship with this guy because his communication had improved but he was never available saying he had work emergencies or commitments to his kids. I accepted those reasons but was feeling it wasn’t going to work for me just seeing each other once a week. I’d never expect to be a priority over his kids. Anyway, i mentioned he was away for Christmas with his ex, kids and exes family. My friend thought it odd. I didn’t really because my ex is very much part of my life still and he has kids with her so makes sense he would want to be with them over xmas. I had said if he didn’t want to spend the week he could drive back early (he said he didn’t want to go at all really but wants to be with his kids) he said he couldn’t because he and his ex share a car. I thought this weird as did my friend. She searched for his wife on Facebook (i didn’t ask her to – i was driving) and a profile came up with a picture of my bf and his wife which looked fairly recent and definitely like they were a couple still. He had told me they broke up three years ago.
So things start dropping into place. Things I’d ignored or just took his word on such us why i hadn’t been to his place, we rarely dated in the evenings, time together felt short, the car thing, the holiday he took his ex on this summer because he said the kids wanted her to go etc.
But there were also lots of things that made no sense as he had raised them i hadn’t asked- like the holiday, he mentioned it in the context of it had cost him double because he had to pay for her to have her own room.
Anyway, i messaged him. He sent an odd reply. I messaged back and not had any reply so i blocked and deleted him because even if he isn’t married ignoring me isn’t on and these were not harsh messages or anything.
So everyone I’ve spoken to tells me to tell his wife. I don’t really want to. I didn’t choose to be the other woman, i don’t want him back, i don’t want drama in my life- what he has done is horrid enough but it was only 6 weeks and he is a dou**e so I’m not going to dwell on it – i barely knew the man.
I don’t know if its selfish of me not to tell her. I don’t want to be responsible for devastating her and probably her kids just before Christmas. Everyone keeps saying she deserves to know. My only experience of this sort of thing has been when the other woman knew it was an affair and they told the wife to be spiteful or to engineer a breakup so they get the man themselves. I’m not like that, i have no spite in me for her as obviously she hasn’t done anything wrong. I’m hurt and feel foolish i fell for this man’s cr@p but I’m not angry… like “I’m going to ruin your life” kind of angry.
So does anyone have views on telling her or not? I don’t want to be selfish but part of me just doesn’t want the drama. I know he shouldn’t get away with being so deceptive but i feel like its not for me to dish out punishment.December 13, 2019 at 10:49 am #780523
I hope you’ve learned from this to walk away a lot sooner when’s something’s off, no reason to tolerate all this crap from him for an entire 6 weeks, that’s a lot of warning signs to ignore, like standing you up three times… but anyway, no avoid the drama and don’t tell the wife, you’re right it’s not your place to hand out punishment.December 13, 2019 at 11:19 am #780527
I wouldnt tell her. Its your job to look out for yourself not her. I think you did a fine job deleting his number once the puzzle was solved. If you would tell her, you might get sucked into their dramaDecember 13, 2019 at 11:48 am #780529
Sandee: yeah ive really got to trust my gut with men that i really like in the same way i do when I’ve been on dates with men i don’t really like. Its a bit silly of me to ignore things just because i liked him. He had some great excuses; He has adhd, he got caught up in his work, battery ran out, emergency with a child etc. I feel really stupid but my suspicions were raised and my friend wasn’t the first to suggest he was married it had crossed my mind, but he is obviously a good liar because it was seemless – no mistakes and even leaving me feeling reassured as he would raise topics that evidenced he was not with his wife. Its astounding how much he lied.
Newbie: i definitely don’t want to get sucked into drama- i believe bad people get what they deserve some way or another but i do see why people say i should tell her. I think those people know me and are kind of angry on my behalf and want some sort of revenge. Its just not in my nature to be vengeful. I wish him nothing but cr@p for the rest of his life but i can’t be doing with holding on to negative feelings.
I was upset on Wednesday and wallowed in self pity, gave him a chance to explain, he didn’t so i blocked and deleted him.
I often think we want closure but that getting it doesn’t help really. In this case he will either lie or just admit it … neither is going to make me feel better about falling for his lies.
I was getting so over dating and it was really nice to feel like i didn’t have to worry about him dating other women… i felt relaxed. Then i find out it was all lies 😔 i think i was pretty naive assuming he was single and should have done my due diligence!
I think I’ll stay away from apps for a bit at least to the new year as this experience has left me quite jadedDecember 13, 2019 at 11:51 am #780531
Geez, what a jerk.
I would not tell her.
That said, I’d be mighty tempted to let him know you were thinking about telling her.
“Hey, you are married, strung me along for 6 weeks, wasting my time with your dishonesty. I’m seriously considering telling your wife about us.”. Make him sweat. Make him think twice about doing it again.
Mainly, I am really tired of married men lying to me and wasting my time. I’d love to see them start having to squirm. It’s a shame that blackmail is a crime.December 13, 2019 at 12:05 pm #780532
Anon, LOL.December 13, 2019 at 12:09 pm #780534
She certainly knows he is a cheater. Hes probably lied to her and cheated many times.
Don’t get further involved in their drama. Turn your back on drama.December 13, 2019 at 12:57 pm #780537
Isn’t it terrible how hindsight is always 20/20 but when you’re wrapped up in the moment and the emotions you start to let your guard down? Sounds like you have learned a lesson and realize you need to listen to your gut. But again it’s so easy to see now looking back but how many of us dating someone early on wouldn’t have been understanding if he had an emergency with his kids or had to work late? I mean my husband when we were first dating had a crazy stressful job and was always having to work late or deal with some emergency and have to go out of town, etc. It’s really hard to know the difference between a man who is genuinely busy and a man who is hiding something, so don’t beat yourself up too bad.
As for telling his wife, I’m not the kind who would do that either. And most of the stories I hear it seems to come back on the innocent party and just cause drama. And it’s quite possible they have broken up, but she’s not wanting to let go and using the kids and Christmas and saving face in front of her family to manipulate him into doing what she wants. At this point it’s doubtful you will ever now the whole truth. So I think you are wise to let this go, let this anger go and move on with your life. Hopefully you being the bigger person in this will have good Karma come your way in the form of an amazing man who is honest and loving!! Good Luck!!December 13, 2019 at 12:57 pm #780536
Is everybody out there crazy?
The only thing you should do is move on with your life and focus on your happiness.
He will get his comeuppance. All cheaters do.December 13, 2019 at 1:11 pm #780538
Thanks so much guys for the feedback and advice not to tell her. I was starting to feel like i was being selfish and wrong in wanting to just close the door on the whole sorry saga and leave it with dignity and no drama.
Kaye: i am usually so vigilant and it takes me a while to let my guard down. I had started to a bit as i found it so emotionally overwhelming it had to be real- but it was love bombing 🙄 i had not fully invested in him thankfully so whilst it stings and was upsetting at least i wasn’t so deep in that I’m grieving for the end of a relationship rather than just feeling relieved i got out when i did!December 13, 2019 at 8:00 pm #780573
T from NY
It is so very disheartening to me on this site to see post after post recommending not to tell the wife. Like seriously – if your husband had a GIRLFRIEND you wouldn’t want someone to tell you? It is not drama. It is fact. It’s not getting yourself into the middle of something. It’s being honorable. Two of my friends have been blind-sided by finding out about their husbands affairs. Then further traumatized when they found out that dozens of people in the community, including “best” friends knew and didn’t tell. My one friend was 8 months pregnant (with her husbands baby) when her husbands SISTER found out and ratted her brother out. He had had a 19 yr old mistress for almost a year. Thank gawd his sis knew it was the right thing to do. My husband cheated on me. Wow I wish someone that felt like me would have let me know sooner.
To the original poster – You can send screenshots of convos, pics or whatever with phone records anonymously after Christmas. You never have to give your name and then can get back to your life. Then the wife can decide what she wants to do. She may not leave this time but you never know, if multiple women came to her over the course of years she might one day love herself enough and not be with someone who dishonors her. It takes courage to do the right thing by another human that you have no vested interest in. She deserves the truth. What she does with it is her business.December 13, 2019 at 8:03 pm #780574
Had you never been to his house???December 13, 2019 at 9:48 pm #780577
T – there’s no one size fits all answer for this type of situation. Sorry to hear you got cheated on and some of your friends did too. However it’s not always wise to automatically become the moral police in these cases. I”m surprised at the number of married women who know their husbands cheat but don’t want to believe the obvious and shoot the messenger if they’re told or deliberately turn a blind eye to the behavior because they don’t want a divorce because they’d lose their lifestyle or don’t want to be single mothers and have to start over.December 13, 2019 at 11:24 pm #781052
Tell her, but don’t expect an outcome. if you’re going to tell her it can’t be any kind of ego trip for you.December 14, 2019 at 5:08 am #781071
I would tell her I’m married and I feel like this now and I found a black thong in my bathroom that isn’t mineDecember 14, 2019 at 10:17 am #781076
I was in a similar situation over a year ago and I didn’t tell his wife. Why? She would’ve stayed anyway and blamed me for his cheating. That’s what the wife usually does.
I’m not saying it’s right but in these types of situations, the wife rarely ever leaves. She probably already knows her husband is a scumbag. Just be glad you didn’t get pregnant or anything.December 14, 2019 at 1:43 pm #781081
If You were Her-
Would you want to know?December 14, 2019 at 2:43 pm #781085
I have been the wife in the situation you describe – except the other woman knew quite well that he was married. (I probably am STILL the wife in the situation you describe.)
Until I found out about my husband and the skank, I would have told you to not tell the wife – that she didn’t do anything wrong and it’s not right to hurt her any more than she’s going to be hurt at some point, anyway.
After I found out, I wish to GOD she had told me about it early on so I could have had a chance to rebuild my life instead of finding out after they had been having the affair for 20 years. (Yes, YEARS!)
There’s no easy answer to the dilemma you face.
I can only tell you what I would have wanted – and to ask you not to go back to him. Based on a letter my husband’s skank wrote to him, she had apparently broken up with him at some point because she was “tired of being his mistress.” However, they got back together (my husband most likely turned on the charm and got her back – because he hates to lose). Prepare yourself for your former lover to pull out all the stops to win you back.
You have to do what you think is best.December 15, 2019 at 1:11 am #781139
I was in this exact situation a few years ago, but I found out after only a couple of dates. It did a number on me, so I cannot imagine being in your shoes and it going on so long.
I found out bc they were on vacation together and she posted a ton of pics on her FB. She seemed like a really awesome woman. She was a business owner and had raised her teenage daughter on her own (they were a blended family), and she was just super upbeat. From reading her posts she seemed very low drama and just very focused on herself. For these reasons I decided that I would tell her.
I created a fake FB account and reached out to her. When she confirmed they were still together I told her the truth, woman to woman. She was not entirely surprised, but after showing her his emails she was very kind with me and thanked me. She told him and left him not too long after that. He was livid, but he’s a local political figure and didn’t want any drama with me, so I wasn’t too worried.
In my situation I am glad I did it. I walked away feeling like I was able to help another woman live her truth. Had this woman been less confident and not as obviously financially independent I probably wouldn’t have said anything because a woman not able to leave him… well, I’d feel horrible for making her life worse And making her feel even more stuck. Or at least confirming her life was worse than she already suspected. We all have to make these decisions for ourselves and minimize the risk and drama while still being decent human beings (so glad you blocked him!). Good luck.December 15, 2019 at 5:09 am #781143
Are you absolutely *sure* he is married and they are still together and living together as a couple? Divorces can be very expensive and some couples are better off friends than they were married…I worked in the field long enough to know every case is unique or different, it isn’t always black & white.
Not that it would matter anyway as his priorities appear to be out of whack and you did a great job IMO of sussing him out and finding the areas that you are not going to tolerate before falling too far into the rabbit hole. This is imperative for women to do.
I wouldn’t get involved as you could end coming off as a crazy woman not having ALL the complete details of their relationship. I would assume she too would have to know he’s up to something and probably cheating if he’s all of a disappearing for hours at a time, being secretive, etc. Wives have a pretty good sense of when a man is up to no good haha.December 15, 2019 at 10:07 am #781148
Thanks for all the input on this. If I was the wife I think I would like to know but I also don’t feel I’m in a place emotionally to get involved and deal with the drama and bad feeling. Even if I contact her anonymously he will know it was me and he knows where I live, where I work etc. I don’t know him well enough to know what his reaction would be to getting caught out. I may feel differently down the road but at the moment I think I have to be a bit selfish and look after myself.
Despite not being too attached to this man it has been a blow and its been upsetting. Him ignoring my message and not even bothering to explain infuriates me but I’ve managed to not message any more after the initial messages because whatever he says won’t change the situation- he is a liar and cheat.
Lane: I don’t know for sure as he didn’t really confirm or deny. He replied to an initial message hours after reading it, saying “no it’s just Facebook lagging. I’m busy fighting fires and I’ll be back to myself in a few days” I think that’s an odd reply… I can only assume he was denying it and was saying he was too busy to talk/explain. If your gf is worried/upset and got the wrong end of the stick you dont blow her off with a nonsense reply.
I replied saying i don’t know what you mean and perhaps listen to my voice note to understand my concerns. I then waited till the next day, saw he had read it and still not listened to the voice message and then just deleted and blocked him. Even if he isn’t cheating on his wife the way he has behaved towards me in the situation is enough for me to not want him in my life anyway.
I just wish I’d never met him as its just added to my already quite jaded view on dating! I’m off dating for a bit now xDecember 15, 2019 at 11:14 am #781161
Ss, you sound very levelheaded and self-aware. Your reasons for not telling her right now (if ever) are sound, especially about being in self protection mode.
Although it’s only been six weeks of time, that’s still a month and a half of being in, and thinking about, him, the relationship, the future, etc. Of course it hurts.
Taking out the possibility of him being married and just looking at him as a boyfriend – he’s still coming up short.
Not showing up for planned dates without canceling ahead of time and leaving you hanging is a dealbreaker. And not reassuring you over something you’re upset about makes him a bad bet to be someone you can count on emotionally.
I have no idea what “Facebook lagging” is supposed to mean, but you were right to block all of his access to you after him not responding to your requests for clarity.
A breakup is still a breakup no matter the circumstances. Stop dating for a bit to get over this, but try not to be jaded about all men in general. You have a smart head on those shoulders of yours and you’ll know when you’ve found a good one. And you will.
As the saying goes, you gotta kiss a lot of toads…December 15, 2019 at 3:32 pm #781173
Almost all wives already suspect the cheating. I would drop it and move on.December 16, 2019 at 7:59 am #781191
Ss, you do not have to do anything if you feel it would hurt you. You are under no obligation to anyone but yourself. You unwittingly dated a married man. I have been on an awful lot of dates with married men (unknowingly). Sadly, very sadly it is a part of dating.December 16, 2019 at 4:11 pm #781242
It’s a tough call, but I think people should be informed and make up their minds on what to do with it. Her call whether to confront her husband or keep quiet and let him go on about his business. I hate it when I hear people say that people only rat the cheaters out for revenge and they’re out to destroy the family….my thinking is no matter what the reasons, it’s the married cheater that is destroying his/her own family.
If you do decide to tell, be aware of what the extreme backlash may be…he knows where you live/ possibly work and can make life unpleasant for you if he feels you are costing him his family/posessions/$$ due to a possible divorce, etc…. He may even decide to blame you/call you a liar and sic the wife on you where she may retaliate.
Just weigh all the possible outcomes. Good luck.