I think he is married

I hope you’ve learned from this to walk away a lot sooner when’s something’s off, no reason to tolerate all this crap from him for an entire 6 weeks, that’s a lot of warning signs to ignore, like standing you up three times… but anyway, no avoid the drama and don’t tell the wife, you’re right it’s not your place to hand out punishment.

Sandee: yeah ive really got to trust my gut with men that i really like in the same way i do when I’ve been on dates with men i don’t really like. Its a bit silly of me to ignore things just because i liked him. He had some great excuses; He has adhd, he got caught up in his work, battery ran out, emergency with a child etc. I feel really stupid but my suspicions were raised and my friend wasn’t the first to suggest he was married it had crossed my mind, but he is obviously a good liar because it was seemless – no mistakes and even leaving me feeling reassured as he would raise topics that evidenced he was not with his wife. Its astounding how much he lied.

Newbie: i definitely don’t want to get sucked into drama- i believe bad people get what they deserve some way or another but i do see why people say i should tell her. I think those people know me and are kind of angry on my behalf and want some sort of revenge. Its just not in my nature to be vengeful. I wish him nothing but cr@p for the rest of his life but i can’t be doing with holding on to negative feelings.

I was upset on Wednesday and wallowed in self pity, gave him a chance to explain, he didn’t so i blocked and deleted him.

I often think we want closure but that getting it doesn’t help really. In this case he will either lie or just admit it … neither is going to make me feel better about falling for his lies.

I was getting so over dating and it was really nice to feel like i didn’t have to worry about him dating other women… i felt relaxed. Then i find out it was all lies 😔 i think i was pretty naive assuming he was single and should have done my due diligence!

I think I’ll stay away from apps for a bit at least to the new year as this experience has left me quite jaded

Anon, LOL.

Isn’t it terrible how hindsight is always 20/20 but when you’re wrapped up in the moment and the emotions you start to let your guard down? Sounds like you have learned a lesson and realize you need to listen to your gut. But again it’s so easy to see now looking back but how many of us dating someone early on wouldn’t have been understanding if he had an emergency with his kids or had to work late? I mean my husband when we were first dating had a crazy stressful job and was always having to work late or deal with some emergency and have to go out of town, etc. It’s really hard to know the difference between a man who is genuinely busy and a man who is hiding something, so don’t beat yourself up too bad.

As for telling his wife, I’m not the kind who would do that either. And most of the stories I hear it seems to come back on the innocent party and just cause drama. And it’s quite possible they have broken up, but she’s not wanting to let go and using the kids and Christmas and saving face in front of her family to manipulate him into doing what she wants. At this point it’s doubtful you will ever now the whole truth. So I think you are wise to let this go, let this anger go and move on with your life. Hopefully you being the bigger person in this will have good Karma come your way in the form of an amazing man who is honest and loving!! Good Luck!!

Thanks so much guys for the feedback and advice not to tell her. I was starting to feel like i was being selfish and wrong in wanting to just close the door on the whole sorry saga and leave it with dignity and no drama.

Kaye: i am usually so vigilant and it takes me a while to let my guard down. I had started to a bit as i found it so emotionally overwhelming it had to be real- but it was love bombing 🙄 i had not fully invested in him thankfully so whilst it stings and was upsetting at least i wasn’t so deep in that I’m grieving for the end of a relationship rather than just feeling relieved i got out when i did!

Had you never been to his house???

Tell her, but don’t expect an outcome. if you’re going to tell her it can’t be any kind of ego trip for you.

I was in a similar situation over a year ago and I didn’t tell his wife. Why? She would’ve stayed anyway and blamed me for his cheating. That’s what the wife usually does.

I’m not saying it’s right but in these types of situations, the wife rarely ever leaves. She probably already knows her husband is a scumbag. Just be glad you didn’t get pregnant or anything.

I have been the wife in the situation you describe – except the other woman knew quite well that he was married. (I probably am STILL the wife in the situation you describe.)

Until I found out about my husband and the skank, I would have told you to not tell the wife – that she didn’t do anything wrong and it’s not right to hurt her any more than she’s going to be hurt at some point, anyway.

After I found out, I wish to GOD she had told me about it early on so I could have had a chance to rebuild my life instead of finding out after they had been having the affair for 20 years. (Yes, YEARS!)

There’s no easy answer to the dilemma you face.

I can only tell you what I would have wanted – and to ask you not to go back to him. Based on a letter my husband’s skank wrote to him, she had apparently broken up with him at some point because she was “tired of being his mistress.” However, they got back together (my husband most likely turned on the charm and got her back – because he hates to lose). Prepare yourself for your former lover to pull out all the stops to win you back.

You have to do what you think is best.

Are you absolutely *sure* he is married and they are still together and living together as a couple? Divorces can be very expensive and some couples are better off friends than they were married…I worked in the field long enough to know every case is unique or different, it isn’t always black & white.

Not that it would matter anyway as his priorities appear to be out of whack and you did a great job IMO of sussing him out and finding the areas that you are not going to tolerate before falling too far into the rabbit hole. This is imperative for women to do.

I wouldn’t get involved as you could end coming off as a crazy woman not having ALL the complete details of their relationship. I would assume she too would have to know he’s up to something and probably cheating if he’s all of a disappearing for hours at a time, being secretive, etc. Wives have a pretty good sense of when a man is up to no good haha.

Ss, you sound very levelheaded and self-aware. Your reasons for not telling her right now (if ever) are sound, especially about being in self protection mode.

Although it’s only been six weeks of time, that’s still a month and a half of being in, and thinking about, him, the relationship, the future, etc. Of course it hurts.

Taking out the possibility of him being married and just looking at him as a boyfriend – he’s still coming up short.

Not showing up for planned dates without canceling ahead of time and leaving you hanging is a dealbreaker. And not reassuring you over something you’re upset about makes him a bad bet to be someone you can count on emotionally.

I have no idea what “Facebook lagging” is supposed to mean, but you were right to block all of his access to you after him not responding to your requests for clarity.

A breakup is still a breakup no matter the circumstances. Stop dating for a bit to get over this, but try not to be jaded about all men in general. You have a smart head on those shoulders of yours and you’ll know when you’ve found a good one. And you will.

As the saying goes, you gotta kiss a lot of toads…

Ss, you do not have to do anything if you feel it would hurt you. You are under no obligation to anyone but yourself. You unwittingly dated a married man. I have been on an awful lot of dates with married men (unknowingly). Sadly, very sadly it is a part of dating.