Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › I REALLY like this man but he just doesn’t text me
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Ursula.
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Laura
A month ago, I met a man on a dating app. When we met in person, I felt an instant attraction, something I’ve never felt before. Flowing conversation, banter, touching, flirting. Shared values, hobbies and interests. It was exciting for me as I rarely feel attraction and for the first time in 2 years and since the breakup from my ex, I felt certain I’d met someone who sparked good feelings and I was excited
However even after a good date, he was the worst texter. I thought that was just him, and that as a busy successful man, this was ok. But he would often take 2-3 days to reply. He would reply enthusiastically however
We had a second date where we shared our first kiss. I’ve always not really enjoyed kissing until this kiss, it felt absolutely amazing and left me with butterflies. Had the most amazing day with him. Had all these nice feelings inside that I’ve never felt before. I felt like there was such a closeness between us that’s different to what I’ve felt before
Still in between dates he would take days to reply to me. And his date arrangements were always at last minute. Like I didn’t exist in between dates
Third date, he invited me to his town. He introduced me to his friends. Took me out for dinner, was holding my hand everywhere. He couldn’t take his hands of me. We cuddled and kissed and eventually slept together. He told me he really liked me and ‘was playing the long game.’ Whatever that means. He seemed so totally into me, trying to impress me
That was last weekend. Then he went on holiday for a week and I didn’t hear from him. No texts during that time whatsoever. I thought I’d been ghosted I was so confused.
In the mean time, I went on a date with another man. I had a nice time, but on reflection, I don’t feel all the nice things that I feel for the other man. He also kissed me and I didn’t really enjoy it. When the other man kisses me, there are FIREWORKS
I texted the other guy if we’re still on at the weekend. He sent a message which made me feel a bit worried he’s not interested. Now I’m being all cold and blunt in my messages as I don’t want to annoy him
I’m confused as I really like him but his communication is dreadful. Why would he like me but be so terrible at texting. Why didn’t he speak to me for a whole week?
Ewa
So he slept with you and not really messaged you since and not scheduled a date? If that is the case he just used you, he didn’t even bother to keep the communication going , he couldn’t even been bothered to pretend.
Chances are he was on this holiday with his gf or maybe even a wife and before you say he introduced me to his friends , I know a lot of guys who know their friends cheat and would not even blink.Laura
We text quite a fair bit before he went on the holiday. He said he was visiting an old work colleague before. And he says he’s like to see me this Saturday.
He’s just a very busy guy so I don’t know if this is just the way he communicates and maybe he doesn’t see any issue for it.
I don’t get the impression he’s using me, he seems caring and sensitive. He didn’t pressure me into bed or anything
Ewa
you are now justifying his behaviour. You said he doesn’t text you, now you are saying he is such a busy guy and he texts you, so I am not sure where the issue is? You have answered your own question.
Dating is about finding a match, if you want someone who texts you between dates (busy or not I think it should be a norm) then he is not your man.Gaia
I agree with Ewa. It sounds like the main guy and you had some chemistry but he was showing mild interest. Then 3 dates in got lucky and is now on to the next conquest. Don’t justify bad behavior. If a man wants to, he will. I don’t care how busy a guy gets, if he is into you, he will find a way to talk to you, text you, and be with you. And it sounds like he had vacation time yet still didn’t find a way to text you or talk to you. Let that one go.
Find someone who is more compatible with you and values your worth. Give the other date a chance or go out with others. Don’t be alarmed if there is no fireworks on the first date. Often those type of flames die out very quickly in a real relationship.
Laura
He’s replied to me now saying he’s looking forward to seeing me this weekend. His message seems keen.
I’m confused. Maybe he does like me but taking things slow? He’s not the best texter and hasn’t been from the start.
We definitely have a connection and chemistry, I thought he would be quite sad to end our connection. Especially as we have so much fun together.
I hope he’s just genuinely taking things slow and not a texter
Maddie
You may have fireworks with him because there’s something about him that on some level feels just out of reach, which is why when you’re together and he’s giving you proper attention it feels extra great. Someone more available to you is less likely to make you feel like that, because it can be a type of anxiety in a way (his attention then relieves that anxiety). But a more available guy may still be more compatible and willing to build a good relationship with you. So I understand the other guy didn’t give you butterflies and may not be a good match for you either, but don’t overly rely on instant chemistry as a good indicator for “the long game.” Early dating should be easy both when you’re together and apart, with the guy removing obstacles, not adding them or making you feel confused. People have different communication styles and not texting much doesn’t necessarily mean anything, but it does when it’s getting in the way of building a connection… which it sounds like is how you’re feeling about it at this point. Which means it’s unlikely he’s going to end up being good serious relationship material.
Tammy
You contradict yourself. First you say he dsnt text. Then you say he does and that he is a very busy person! When things are so sporadic with no regular channel of communication, why wld you sleep with him? By doing that you endorse and support his sporadic mode of communicatn.
If your genuinely intrstd in that guy, thn you should have waited and established a deeper connection and a some what regular mode of communicatn with this man. You let your attraction overrule your head.
And now that you have, you will keep wondering and analyse every gesture he makes and every word he says. Ideally you should have waited after you guys slept together to let him revert. Now if his communication doesnt improve, you will keep 2nd guessing his evry move.
The only suggstion i can think of now is to do nothing and let the man lead show interest and take initiative in taking things ahead and deepning this friendship. Or else you will always be left wondering!
Ewa
I also have a feeling that you are the one initiating all the conversations with him…
Tammy
He likes her but so far nothing she has written shows that its more than casual liking. If by putting in minimal efforts, he gets the woman to travel to his town and sleep with him, why shouldnt he? Worst bit is despite sleeping with her, he didnt even bother to message her and set up another meeting! The lady not only went to his town toeet hom but also slept with him. And then he disappears for a week so she only contacts him to set up next meeting!!!
This shows such an indifferent attitude and very casual affection. He doesnt seem to show much interest in sleeping with her again! Comeon if nothing else atleast the guy shld show some interest and take some initiative to sleep with her again.. hes showing indifference towrds sex as well!!
Lady i read your posts again and you must show some restraint. You teally shldnt have messaged to set up the next meeton post sex
Tammy
Sorry for the typos but you got the gist of messages. Pls show sm restraint and stop initiating ur meetings. Let the man take some efforts.
Kandy Kane
At best, you are a casual consideration for this guy. Responding to your texts is not him initiating. No matter how enthusiastic his RESPONSES, his actions showed you weren’t on his radar until he was reminded. I’m not saying this to insult you, but rather to pose the questions: 1.Do you want to fill your time thinking about a guy you have to remind you exist? 2. Do you want to continue to censor yourself so as not to feel like you are annoying him?
Feeling those kind of sparks can put you in a headspace that muddies your thinking. Just because you feel that way doesn’t mean he does. If he did you would hear from him and see him more at his initiation. He would have wanted to share at least one thing from his holiday with you while he was on it if you were in his thoughts.
Chalk this up to a life experience and move on.Peggy
Hi. I am not so quick to say he is losing/lost interest. But I think you need to step way back. Stop texting him, asking about plans etc. Let him contact you and arrange dates. If you do not hear from him in a couple weeks, assume he has lost interest. Start being busier, dating others,doing things with friends etc.
Don’t be so available and eager. See what happens then.Mary
Sadly, you haven’t been guarding your heart and have been making room for him in your mind and in your actions before even knowing him. A guy picks up on this. The inly thing you can do at this point is MAJORLY pull back. Avoid him. Cancel the date saying you need time to yourself.
Bets
I agree with Tammy and the others. The best way to find out if a guy is truly interested is to give him a chance to miss you. Don’t call or text him, and just go on with your life. If you don’t hear from him, you have your answer.
tallspicy
I don’t know exactly what happened, but any man who does not contact me within 24 hours of first sex is canceled completely from my life. But I also only date with intention and that intention is known by the men I am dating early and often
Khadija
Dating is the time you spend getting to know someone and something about him is off to you. However, you felt sparks and you aren’t willing to cut him loose. His behavior won’t change because you’ve aceepted dates with last minute and you’re asking him if the plans are still on after he disappeared (probably with another woman). The things we allow show people how to treat us. If the other guy is reaching out and wants to keep seeing you stay open to that. When I was dating things often burned out quickly when I followed that instant spark feeling.
Mary
Laura do you have an update? Curious to see how it’s going and if stepping back for you worked
Laura
We met up that weekend. He texted me before he went to bed with a time to meet him the next day. We met for coffe and ended up doing some random activities. He was holding my hand and telling me he really liked me. We talked about communication and he said that he prefers to text in one go in the evening rather than texting throughout the day. He did make a bit more conscious effort during the week to text me and send me updates of his week. On the Thursday, he asked me if I was free on the Saturday. Unfortunately, he’s had a family bereavement so he didn’t come at the weekend and I haven’t heard from him since that point. I’m quite worried. I’ve given him the space but let him know. I’m thinking of him at this difficult time. I hope it doesn’t end things for us
Laura
No this isn’t an instant spark feeling, it’s a connection o where we both have similar values and really enjoy each other’s company. I talked about him on the last date, about our communication styles. He said he just isn’t a Texter and prefers to send a string of messages in the evening. I also addressed the last minute date situation.
After the date, he texted me to tell me how much for a wonderful time he had with me. I thought he made more of an effort once a day in the evening sending me some messages and checking in with me. Asking thoughtful questions on the Wednesday. He asked me if I’d like to do something on the Saturday. I made some suggestions for things that we can do together.
Sadly, he didn’t come on Saturday because he had a family bereavement and he is very shocked. He apologised and said he doesn’t know how this will affect our budding relationship right now, but he’ll keep me updated. It’s been a week and I haven’t heard from him again. Should I just be patient? Is all hope lost??
tammy
Since he’s lost someone and a few days have passed, you can send a brief text asking him how things are and how is everyone holding fort?? not a very lengthy message but something brief to show your concern but at the same time giving him space.
Post that you shld let him revert and set up any further dates/meetings. That’s the only way you would know that he would like to see you again. If you keep initiating, you will always have doubts and will be constantly insecure which will manifest in your behavior.
Laura
I don’t always initiate the meetup though. It’s always been him to ask me out and suggest meeting. It was only that time 2 weeks ago that I asked him instead. He’s always suggesting meeting on the weekend and coming up with ideas for us.
Tallspicy
Any man who disappears for a week is gone. You are grossly over invested in a man who has not committed to you. Until a man is your boyfriend, it is best to give zero f&cks. It is not ending because a man not committed is not real. Until you can internalize that, dating will be hard.
Tammy
Agree with tall spicey. Besides why do u keep initiating chats n msging? Why dont u let the man take efforts to get in tch and to stay in tch? From where we stand, it really doesnt luk that the guy is invested in you at all!
Pls stop initiating dialogues with this man. You may not suggst meeting but you keep doing all the staying in touch work. Why shld u? Why dont you let the man initiate chats? Bec you know deep down that if you wait for him, you will keep waiting to hear from him?
Luk we want this to work for u. But for that to happen it has to be mutual. But it doesnt appear so. You hv to stop. You are way too invested in a man who takes you so casually. He likes you ofcrse. But hes also ok not being in regular tch with you. He keeps in tch occasionally and that doesnt indicate hes luking for a relatnship with you..
See the reality and step back or you may get hurt. Pls stop initiating texting chattin and msging and let the man do that. Thats the only way you will know whether he wants to get to know you more. If hes not steppin up, it means hes not luking for anything deeper with you.
Debbie
Sorry to burst your bubble. This guy may be stringing you along. He could be dating multiple girls. This makes sense when he isn’t consistent with communication. He gives you just enough though to give you hope. You can keep up with it but be wary of putting too much investment or feelings into it. He’s very likely playing the field. I would match his interest level by taking down your excitement level a notch. Don’t always be available as he obviously has other options and this is just a casual thing for him.
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