I lost myself in this relationship. Am I to blame

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This topic contains 12 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Mandy 1 month, 1 week ago.

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  • #942862 Reply


    Me and my partner of 7 yrs (early 30s) are at breaking point. There are two sides at fault .
    My failure is probably loosing myself. I still believe I am attractive and still eat well and exercise . But I put him first , I put the house first ; I put chores first .
    I feel I am to blame but is my partner to blame for not helping ? If I don’t cook he won’t, if I don’t clean he won’t (unless the house gets to a point where it’s completely messy), if I don’t walk the dog , he won’t . So I feel my time is consumed with managing everything . I have tried to communicate this but he thinks I complain , and then gets frustrated that I’m not sociallising with my friends etc anymore . Have I created this issue myself by not prioritising myself ? Can our issues be fixed. I’m mid 30s and don’t want to have to end things

    #942863 Reply


    What is he doing while you are ‘managing’ things?

    #942864 Reply


    He starts work very early but also finishes early , he goes to the gym after work and then comes home exhausted which I understand . I do get the luxury of wfh but I’m doin it all . It sucks because I have some what allowed this behaviour , although over the years I have asked for more help. Sometimes I try to focus on myself but how can I when there is a list of chores in my head that need to be done

    #942865 Reply


    Forget the ‘list.’ You need & deserve YOU time…

    Are there chores you two can do together on your days off?

    Hire a (house) cleaner.

    #942866 Reply


    If you dont want to break up and your partner dsnt want to contribute in your chores, what can u do? Get outside help.. can you guys afford it? Also is this how you want things to be like in future? I dont know. Make a list of chores. What you can do, what he can do and what can be outsourced? Can you guys hv a rational and fruitful discussion over this? Widout fights? Do that. Bec you dont want to be in a relation with a man and 5 years down the line be resentful and cheated bec you realised that this was not what you bargained for?

    #942867 Reply


    Please get out of “blame” mode. It’s not about blame and if you keep making it about pointing fingers at who is to blame, you could actually lose this relationship. Shift your POV. You two have created a life together and right now you’re not happy with how the household chores are being divided and done, it isn’t working for you. That’s an issue for both of you to address together, collaborating not fighting.

    Sounds like he works a lot. Ask him what he feels comfortable committing to doing. Could he be responsible for fixing dinner a couple of nights a week? Taking an hour or two on the weekend to clean alongside you? If he says he can’t or doesn’t want to, then ask him to commit budget to eating out/takeaway food and hiring someone to clean. If he isn’t open to that either contributing or paying for help, then you have a bigger issue – a partner who wants a full-time mommy/maid to take care of him completely and it’s your choice if you want to live your life in that role or not.

    Also – he is not “helping.” It’s your household together. He has an equal obligation for getting things done at home, by default. By saying he’s helping, you’re admitting it’s all on you. There’s another important language and thinking change to make.

    Finally, stop referring to working from home as a luxury. That implies you’re getting off easy somehow. It’s still WORK and you are responsible for doing your duties no matter where you sit. WFH doesn’t mean you should be expected to do more of the housework.

    By taking it all on, you’ve trained him that you’re OK with that. He’s balking because he likes the status quo. If he cares about you and maintaining a harmonious household and relationship, he will step up. If he doesn’t, he’s telling you a lot about how he views you and you should consider if this is what you want for the rest of your life, because if you don’t stand up and make some changes together, you’re agreeing for this situation to continue. It’s your life – you get what you put in it. I realize that you don’t want to break up after seven years together. I hope it doesn’t become necessary. You just need to understand that if he really isn’t going to make any changes, you will have a decision to make about how you live the rest of your life and that it may not be in your best interest to stay with him.

    #942868 Reply


    I totally agree with Angiebaby. Is he an adult or a child? If you don’t keep house and do all the caring for the dog in addition to working full time, he’ll never eat properly and he’ll let the dog go to the bathroom in the house?? That is what your post is saying. Adults can take care of themselves, even when they have demanding jobs… children can’t. It isn’t your responsibility to keep his house to the extent you’ve become his mom. Plus, it means if things continue this way and you ever want to have kids, it’s more responsibilities for only you. No wonder you’re unhappy with the situation!

    #942870 Reply


    I forgot to say, if he won’t ever walk the dog, then forget having a baby with him unless you’re prepared to do everything and I mean everything to raise the child. Walking the dog isn’t a big deal, takes 10 minutes. What’s his excuse for not doing it? Again, if he doesn’t want to do it then he can pay for a dog walker. Or you maybe need to find a better home for the dog.

    I also meant to ask, your BF in the gym every single day after work?? If he is, that’s overkill and it’s not fair on you.

    #942882 Reply


    How long has he been acting this way? You’ve been together for a while at a young age…

    7 Year itch possibly?

    #942887 Reply


    Thank you all for the replies
    Completely agree , it is his house and I need to stop seeing it as “helping”
    We have lived together for 6 out of 7 years
    Since changing jobs , I’ve noticed more of our dynamics. When I had a 9-5 job we would clean together on Saturdays . But , I’ve always done all the cooking . And I’m getting over it . I’m a shift worker so I do get more days off so I feel like all I do on my day off is housework . And then I start resenting him . But also again understand he is at work 5 days a week while I am at work 4-3 days a week (longer hour days)
    Since having a massive fight , he is showing that he is trying . We do have fights and then he gets better at doing tasks but then we go back to the norm.
    I don’t want to end this relationship however I am also scared about what I’m in for if we have kids . I’m some way I think he’d be a great dad – he loves our dog , cuddles and plays with him and kisses him before he even kisses me . Just doesn’t walk him !
    Are majority of men are like this with house work ?

    #942888 Reply


    once you show to a man that you can cook, clean, take care of the kids, drive etc you will be doing it all the time. And it is not because men can’t be bothered is because you train them to believe you are just fine doing things on your own. Some women even reject help because they can do it better and then they moan that her man is not helping her anymore.
    If you are cleaning, then he should be cooking and other way around. Some men were raised by their mothers thinking women should be doing all the household chores. My mum was doing everything for my dad, so my brother now expect his gf to do all the things for him, including taking care of their kids. He can’t even pack his own bag when they go to the beach together.
    I never cooked for any of my bf’s , only on special occasions .
    I remember my bf was moaning that he has to do all the driving, so we took my car once and it was one of those days where my car heard him haha and the clutch was playing up so it wasn’t an enjoyable experience. he never asked me to drive again haha

    #942890 Reply


    So he likes to play with the dog but not actually take care of him/her – translation, he’ll play with your kids before he spends time with you and you will do all the feeding, diaper changing, laundry, caring for them when they’re sick, etc. That’s not a great dad. That’s lazy.

    In the United States it’s normal that men participate in housework and childcare.

    You seem to have some kind of guilt complex that keeps you doing all the work. So what if you work less?? That doesn’t excuse him from doing his share.

    Again – how about hiring some help as you are both working??

    And I would stop doing everything. Just stop. Let the laundry go undone, let the dishes pile up, etc. Clean what you used and only that. Stop cooking. Feed yourself, let him fend for himself in the kitchen. Don’t say anything, just do it. Actions speak louder than words.

    You’ve spent years letting him believe you will do everything. It’s not going to change overnight. But you have to do something to break the fight/gets better for a while/goes back to status quo cycle. Try a written list of weekly duties on the refrigerator.

    You need to take charge of this or you’re going to settle for being unhappy the rest of your life or at some point break up over another issue when the problem is really he takes you for granted and doesn’t respect you. If you can’t solve this you’re going to have trouble with other issues – add children into the mix and you’re in for a rough ride.

    #942897 Reply


    Thank you so much , you’re all right . I’m so glad that I can come here for advice . Not comfortable speaking to friends family about my relationship unfortunately so I really appreciate the feedback and I am going to take it on board. He was Spoiled as a child. His mum even admitted to me she spoiled him like crazy , this explains the behaviour

    I wouldn’t hire a cleaner at this stage , trying to save money ! But it’s not a bad idea

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