This topic contains 13 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by T from NY 7 months, 3 weeks ago.
December 14, 2019 at 8:49 pm #781126
I have been on 5 dates with a guy I met off of bumble. We have great connection, a similar upbringing, and when we are together he generally shows he is looking out for me. He will check in with me during the time we don’t see each other, and has initiated seeing me 4 of 5 dates. We have our inside jokes, we really enjoy each other’s company, and Ive met his roommate and his gf once.
I haven’t been with a guy I like this much who also (seems) to reciprocate in a while. But every single guy I have been with to this part of dating inevitably started to show signs they weren’t that into me. So now I am at a point where I really like this guy and am looking for those same signs. All of the sudden I am thinking about the fact that he only has suggested dinner and drinks as date ideas or walking around the city as a sign he isn’t trying hard. He didn’t make plans with me this weekend, and when I said maybe we could do something next week he only said that sounds good! A voice is saying he should have locked down a specific date.
We have been intimate a few times, but we haven’t been able to have sex because he had performance anxiety. He was really embarrassed each time but I didn’t make a big deal out of it, because I know that can happen. However, I am anxious that he just sees me as a hookup. Another potentially bad sign was that I accepted a last minute invitation to hang out. I genuinely didn’t have plans that night told him that if he wanted to see me, it would be for an activity I wanted to do. I literally can’t even enjoy this dating process. My friends think 5 dates is too early to discuss exclusivity but the longer I don’t know, the worse I feel.December 14, 2019 at 8:58 pm #781127
In 5 dates you tried to be intimate and he failed somehow. Dont know about what exactly. I agree with your friend to not discuss being exclusive since he is not performing anyway.
When it comes to the guy, he sounds nice. Whats the rush?December 14, 2019 at 9:43 pm #781132
Everything sounds fine, except the performance problem is a showstopper. I’m shocked you would even say you are interested in exclusivity. What???
It’s not about you being sexually satisfied. Its about this is seriously, SERIOUSLY not normal, meaning hes absolutely cannot have any type of relationship with a woman as equal and lovers.
This is no small thing. If you are going to have a boyfriend, for God’s sake, at least get a normal one.
Being patient, or his nurse, or that crap is not your role. You are too old gullible.
Any normal Male absolutely can function sexually multiple times per day. Do you understand, its about him not being mentally healthy enough to give you the happy boyfriend experience you deserve?December 14, 2019 at 9:50 pm #781134
That’s like saying I have this new boyfriend and he’s really nice, but he has a tail. A long, hairy monkey tail.
But I will be patient and understand that hes embarrassed about it, and I help him pretend nobody really notices.
Should I ask him to be exclusive?December 14, 2019 at 11:35 pm #781137
Kad17,what dangerouse said is a bunch of crap-myths and untruths. There is no reason to think you/he can’t have a good sex life once he relaxes anfd is comfortable. Younger and younger guys are having sex and ED issues because of porn and porn addiction amoung other factotrs.
Stop pverthinking and let things play out- but if you are going to /having sex (problems or problem free) you should be exclusive.Time alone, and patience will tell whether this will work sexually and in other aspects.December 14, 2019 at 11:50 pm #781138
Thanks Peggy, I know its not uncommon and I am aware that younger men have issues with it. We have been able to still have fun in other ways and he explained this is just an occasional issue around new partners.December 15, 2019 at 1:32 am #781140
I’m telling you as an old hippie, raised in the 60s, exactly 4% of the men I’ve loved, slept with, been married…. have this problem.
The important point is, not necessarily pertaining to your guy, a man with a hard on problem will communicate differently because his confidence is diminished.
And that’s four out of one hundred.December 15, 2019 at 4:34 am #781141
I’ve know men to have these issues with a new woman yet had no issue when married or in a long-term relationship so its far too early to know if its a simple case of performance anxiety or something else. My best guy friend explained it to me when it happened to me two times in a row! He said its like an on and off s w i t c h, you can’t control it on demand where sometimes they go through periods or phases where its *off* and when in its in this mode a man can’t mentally or physically just turn it on.
I would pull back for a few days at this stage to settle your emotions down. Take a “time out” or you run the risk of burning this out. He does have a life beyond dating, as do you, and need to make sure you aren’t sacrificing your normal life for your dating life. Really try to keep busy doing non-dating things, such as having a lady’s night, work on a project, go to the spa, spend time with yourself binging on ice-cream and netflix—activities to help keep your life balanced so there isn’t too much of one, and too little of the other.
You are already looking to him not only for validation but to fill some void in your life which is never good as men can sense this “vibe” and start to feel like they are being put in a pressure cooker, which is when they subconsciously back away and *test* to see how you act or react to it. Seriously, you need to stop hyper focusing on men you are dating…this is just one activity and person of many you should be filling your life up with so to keep the pressure off both him and yourself.
A man should be the *cherry* on top of your awesome life, not whole sundae or center of it as that’s a pretty heavy burden to place on a man’s shoulders so best to spread it around doing other things and hanging out with other people too so you don’t fall into the black hole of neediness or becoming too clingy. When a man backs away its a sign its getting too heavy (serious), so help take some of the heaviness off and go do some other things so you don’t start over relying on him for it.December 15, 2019 at 4:37 am #781142
Performance anxiety is not all-inclusive to men.
Women can have it too. It just manifests itself in different ways.
Since you’re feeling anxious I would try to avoid wanting and/or discussing exclusivity at this juncture. It shouldn’t come from a place of fear.
You may find after more time getting to know one another it won’t be so worrisome.
Just try to be in the moment.December 15, 2019 at 10:25 am #781152
I have a close male friend who once told me this happens to him when he first becomes intimate with a new girlfriend. But given more time dating, as he becomes more comfortable, things always “work” out.
I understand you’re at the point of being anxious (nervous and excited) at this point in the relationship. You’re hoping it becomes a more solid connection you can depend on, but honestly only time will tell that out. You can’t force it to happen by simply asking for it. And yes, it’s much too early to pose the question.
Lane gave a great explanation of where a man should fit in one’s world, and anewmode offered wise words as well. As uncomfortable as you may be with the uncertainty – Try to live in the moment (something I too forget so thanks for the reminder!) and enjoy what you do on your dates.December 15, 2019 at 10:31 am #781157
To a new mode – please change the name you use. You offer good advice we all can benefit from, but your IP address will be shut down if you don’t!December 16, 2019 at 12:22 am #781182
My bad, will do.
Mod update: Indeed, thank you, much appreciated!December 16, 2019 at 3:54 pm #781228
Better off single
“I haven’t been with a guy I like this much who also (seems) to reciprocate in a while. But every single guy I have been with to this part of dating inevitably started to show signs they weren’t that into me.”
Stop thinking this way or that’s what you will project inevitably making the guy lose interest.
CHILL TF OUT. It’s only been 5 DATES.
You could be coming off too intense which makes him slightly uncomfortable causing the performance anxiety. He could be under a lot of stress and isn’t telling you about it.
You’re investing yourself emotionally way too early. I understand how exciting it is to have the mutual attraction and the hope of it becoming something deeper and lasting is gonna fog your judgment, so, please take it one day at a time. Enjoy the time you do get to spend together. keep it light hearted, boost his ego, don’t lose sight of what you’re doing in your own life apart from him, see where it goes, stop thinking about the future so much. Time makes things reveal itself and unless you’re psychic, you won’t ever know how it will turn out. You might lose interest yourself further into it.
Do not be afraid to say no, relax, and tell yourself you’re having fun and will be ok if it doesn’t work out. Because you are ok with yourself and who you are right? And talking to this guy is only because he adds to your happiness and do not need him to fill a void or confirm you’re attractive, right?December 16, 2019 at 9:54 pm #781260
T from NY
I love sex. And have it when I want to. But I’m at a stage in my life where I would sleep with a guy multiple times when it’s been only 5 dates. I have had relationships that began with sex on the first date – BUT that’s because I was dating multiple men, could not care less about the outcome and it “just worked out” that we clicked. My point in all this is — he’s on Bumble — he’s not locking you down for dates — he does not seem exceptionally keen, but you’ve got a crush.
The ED issue sucks and you really should look to be putting more eggs in your basket.