I can't go through this ever again

Hi I read your post and I felt like I was reading my own thoughts. I’m sorry this is happening to you, I really am. I know how it feels I really do, I’m the same age as you and have been dating since I was 14! I just want the same as you-a partner in life, and I’ve tried, like you, and the disappointments add up, to the point I guess, where what is left to do but give up? I guess that is an option, however I say to take some time out, do your own sweet thing and enjoy yourself on your own. A partner is not promised to any of us, we don’t all live happily ever after and we certainly don’t all get what we want. I wish I could say your time will come, you will meet someone, however we have to acknowledge the fact that we may not. Hugs to you, you are not alone.

Hi sass,
He may be a great guy but he not the right one for you. Take a deep breathe. You will be fine. Xx

Hi Sass,
Firstly, big hugs!! I’m in a similar position, will be 36 shortly and still single. But, I think of it like this.. A “relationship” doesn’t always equate happiness. Happiness comes from with ourselves. And each man you meet or date brings you one step closer to the right one. I know you’re feeling hurt right now, but you will get through this. Take some time out from dating, focus on yourself. Love usually finds you when you least accept it and feel like your life is full.
Lastly, don’t be too hard on yourself. Sometimes we meet those who just aren’t compatible. At least you know this now rather than in say a few yrs time.

Sass – I am sorry it didn’t work out. But may be its time to look on the bright side. I notice all your posts reflected on the negative and as I had mentioned earlier that if you think negative then you attract negative. And even if you are “trying” to be cool and breezy, you can only “act” for so long. As I had mentioned earlier, it became a self fulfilling prophesy.

The bright side being – you came to know in the beginning what a guy into you will behave like. You got to know how a text book case is. You still stressed about every single date and that’s where you went wrong IMO. You need to learn to take it one date at a time. Enjoy every moment. Be yourself and not someone else just to attract him. Go with the expectation of just enjoying yourself NOTHING ELSE. That can happen when you don’t put so much stock in the outcome that you forget to enjoy the present. You will then see how much fun dating is, developing new experiences and sharing it with someone is.

Almost 98% of the dates I go on, I enjoy the experience irrespective of whether there is chemistry or not. The guy is a person isn’t he? He may have experiences which can teach me something. I don’t mean date them but rather the first meeting don’t just up and leave. May be its time for you to learn how to practice date. I taught myself that 1.5 years ago when my marriage fell apart as I didn’t know anything about dating. And now when I meet guys, its with no expectation except to enjoy myself. That’s when you dress up because you want to not just to impress him, can laugh, joke, be yourself, elevate your ankle because its hurting without worrying what he would think if you did that (of course tell him about your ankle), laugh at yourself because you got a coffee mustache or if the cream of the dessert touched your nose and made you look like a clown, laugh and joke because you are covered with calamine lotion because you have chicken pox over your face. No point in being anyone else. If he cannot like you for you then whats the point in “acting” as if you are someone else?

I had mentioned earlier for you to go for counseling but you brushed it away. I think its time for you to go for counseling to help you heal from your previous relationships. Because I do not believe you have healed from them.

Many of your posts I have noticed you blame your partner in previous relationship. I would suggest to let go off the blame. Rather see what did you learn from each experience. A relationship is about 2 people, what did you do wrong there? How can you change?

As mentioned to you earlier, if its your bio-clock ticking and making you get antsy over each date, then may be find other options to get kids.

I in fact do not blame this guy at all. He gave it a chance. He got to know you. He, I do believe was being himself every time. If he felt that this wouldn’t work out then that’s fine. He is not a jerk because of it. It is his prerogative to make a choice regarding his life. Again if you notice your post you blamed him for “acting” as if he cared. Why not believe that he cared but just not enough to share his life with you? Its good that he realized it in 3-4 months …. would you have preferred 1+ year?

The more you go into “victim” mode with your relationships/dating, the less you will be open to the one person who is compatible for you in every way. If it didn’t work out, so what, take each experience as a life lesson to learn things. Be happy with yourself. And then see how people gravitate towards you because your happiness is reflected in your face/eyes/demeanor. No one really likes to be around a negative person. I know because I have even stopped going to certain meet ups if a few people who are negative are there. I have broken contact with a friend because all she does is bemoan how f’ed up her life is but does nothing to change it or her demeanor.

Hugs

I can relate and empathize.
I was in a long term (almost 40 year) marriage, which officially ended 3-1/2 years ago (after a slow, beyond painful death during the previous 3 years).
After it ended, I became involved with a man who was very kind to me. It didn’t work out (there were way too many reasons why it couldn’t), but we have remained friendly.
I became involved with another man who, in the clarity of hindsight, was honest with me. It was a short term relationship, but we have also managed to remain friends.
A year ago, I met another man. We both fell head over heels for each other instantly. HE made it VERY CLEAR from the first day we met that if there was going to be anything between us, there could be no third parties involved. It had to be exclusive between us. He also made it very clear that he did not want me giving up my life for him – I was not to change any pre-existing plans on his account, I was not to give up my friends, my activities, etc. I thought I had died and gone to heaven, to have found someone so perfect for me. I can’t tell you how many times we both said how lucky we were to have met each other. Did it go smoothly? I wish I could say yes, but it was far from smooth. A pattern started to develop. We’d get along like two peas in a pod for 4 or 5 weeks and then he would pull back.
I’m ashamed to admit that, having been in one relationship all my adult life, I didn’t know how to deal with this behaviour so I handled it all wrong. The more he pulled back, the harder I tried. I praised him, I flattered him, I poured my heart out to him, I became needy, I lost my sense of independence. Eventually, I lost him.
I had a gut feeling all along that, as drawn as he was to me, he was afraid to make an honest commitment.
He ended it via a text message during which he told me he had slept with another woman. I know he had several relationships before we met. I now believe that he has been seriously hurt on more occasions than he will admit to and that he took pre-emptive action to avoid it happening again. I believe he had convinced himself I was going to hurt him too and the safest route was for him to hurt me first.
2-1/2 months later, I am wiser, sadder and, hopefully, a little smarter.
I’ve learned some things about myself, not all of which I like or am proud of.
I’m 61 years old and, like you, I’m hesitant about getting involved in another relationship. I’m more apprehensive though about shutting myself off completely; I’ve seen too many women do that and it’s not something I want for myself. So, yes, I will stay open to all possibilities, as long as there is honesty and mutual respect.
If you’d asked me before if I would consider a friends with benefits situation, I would have adamantly said ‘no way’. At this point, I’m not so sure it’s such a bad idea…

Sass-

I am so sorry to hear this! I re-read the Polly thread, and to be honest, your anger sounded way out of proportion to what he did. He didn’t call you for two days and then he honestly broke it off. It is his right to do so. We can analyze him til the cows come home, and more than likely he doesn’t know how to take a relationship further beyond the infatuation phase. He has either been hurt or just never tried it, and more than likely doesn’t want to deep down. Who knows.

My bigger concern is your negativity and the huge blow this was for you. Out of proportion. I think some reflecting is in order. Do you have abandonment issues, I don’t know if we ever talked about that. Did you grow up with a father, how were your parents, etc. I sense some serious Codependency issues in you, which will forever prevent you from being content in relationships and first off picking the right person, and most importantly knowing that you have a power to walk away. And relationships will bring this out in you.

I highly recommend to read Derlene Lancer’s Codependency for Dummies. In the US we have Coedependents Annonymous meetings, and off shoot of Alanon, which is a great program. Do they have it where you are? They have a website.

Please don;t take this the wrong way. I’ve been where you are. LOVE

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Big hugs to you. Take care and be good to yourself. xo

Well I survived today. I don’t know how I feel tonight. Maybe not as sad as I expected to be. Maybe with a little objectivity it wasn’t about him so much as it was about hoping this was finally the one that worked out. There was never that much chemistry with him actually. But lots of other things were good and I wanted it all to slot into place. The timing, his approach, our mutual friends and likes etc all seemed so matched. Maybe I was ignoring that actually there was no fire.

I think it’s interesting the assumptions that are made just from words on a page, written in an emotional frame of mind. I’m really not co-dependent – ive been single for 6 years, I’ve lived alone for 12. I’ve got lots of great long term friends and healthy relationships. My parents are still happily married and I see them almost daily, they both spent all their lives giving me and my brother the best upbringing we could have asked for. I’m close to my brother and his wife and my neices. I don’t have issues! Sorry if that doesn’t fit the diagnosis… I have however been consistently let down, messed around or cheated on by men. I don’t go for the same type – there was the narcissistic good looking compulsive liar, the reliable mummy’s boy, the highly strung very intelligent alcoholic, a socially inept repressed irishman, the creative one with short man syndrome, the nice but dim Italian, the nomadic American marine… Different men with different jobs who all looked different. Given them all a chance (and there have been many more) but it’s never worked out. My friends have married and settled down. No one has ever asked me. I’m not high maintenance, I’m not pushy, I’m not hysterical, I’m not a liar or a misery or rude or dull or thick. But what I am is the common denominator. So it must be something about me – maybe I smell??

Counselling… I don’t think that’s something that would be available at a high enough quality in my local area. It’s an American thing, London at a push. Having it round here, if it’s even a thing, wouldn’t be worthwhile.

What I do probably need is a time out from men and dating and trying and hoping. I’m so exhausted I think I’ll find it fairly easy to do that for a while.

Stefanie your points about being the prize – I’m slowly coming round to this and it’s there in the back of my mind, definitely. It needs to come to the fore so I’ll work on that.

In terms of this latest ending being a gift? Well it’s hard to believe that today because it’s only been 24 hours. But I understnd what you’re saying. The last one before this, the guy from last summer, well now he’s history and I can see clearly why that wasn’t right, he wasn’t right, in fact I dodged a boring, repressed ocd-ridden bullet!! I’m sure in some time I will be able to see the same gift in this ending – and the new beginning it offers. Just not today.

I have thought that codependency is when you are affected by the others actions. Which is what happened here. I have been codependent big time! Have you ever met those women that just aren’t affected by the men in their life? They could care less if he calls, texts, does anything…Please know I am saying this with total good intentions, but perhaps there was a little going on since you were a little dependent on the relationship working out.

I’ve had a good upbringing, great long term friends, I’m independent, have lived with just me and my kids for a long time now, have had two ten year relationships, and I still managed to become Co dependant.

During my relationship problems last year, some of the regulars here told me I showed signs of Co dependancy, but I wouldn’t have it. Lane mentioned melody beattys book many times. Eventually I succumbed and bought it. Omg, that book was written about me. I know a lot of Co dependency issues come from being in relationships with addicts, which the book did focus on a lot, but a LOT of it covered how my thought process works. I was gob smacked!

Sass, I think maybe a dating coach would be more in order. It sounds like the rest of your life is OK. Anyone in your area who could help you?