How many reasons do you reveal when you break up


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This topic contains 8 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  mama 1 month, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #799419 Reply

    Sylvia

    I posted another thread but now it’s a different issue. My ex was not compatible, cheap and we didn’t have sex and it’s been some time.
    I accidentally broke up with him using WhatsApp which was not how I wanted to go but things escalated. I told him our expectations are different, that I can’t pretend any more that I like what he does, . He answered very little, I.. went on.. I said maybe too much but.. so many guys ghosted me, wanted to get it off my chest and give him a closure as to why.
    So basically told him that after a few months just a few kisses is strange and our relationship would maybe work if we’re 12. I accused him of being asexual and cold. He didn’t reply. I wrote “I’m sorry if I was harsh, you’re very intelligent but socially not as much”. No reply.
    Was it very wrong to tell him the truth? I was harsh but that’s what happens when resentment builds up and during the discussion he only made me angry. How much do you tell when you break up?
    Btw, I’m free! Love myself the most. And my mum!

    #799424 Reply

    K

    I wrote “I’m sorry if I was harsh, you’re very intelligent but socially not as much”. No reply.
    Was it very wrong to tell him the truth? I was harsh but that’s what happens when resentment builds up and during the discussion he only made me angry. How much do you tell when you break up?

    Oh wow. You really need to grow up and learn to control your emotions and your words. You behave and sound like you’re 12. No one “makes” you do or feel anything. Take responsibility for yourself and stop blaming others for your behavior.

    Is that harsh? Because your posts are causing me to build up resentment and this last post really made me angry. LOL

    You stay calm when you’re breaking up and you NEVER get personal or nasty. You just say, we’re not on the same page and this isn’t working for me. You repeat it if they argue and if they persist you end the conversation. Nothing good or useful ever comes of getting into the nitty gritty reasons you decided it’s over. End of story.

    #799435 Reply

    Newbie

    I told you before i think you have some sort of psychological issues and borderline is what comes to my mind because what you have done past month is beyond ‘normal’. First you say you are building this wallflower guy up to your social butterfly style, but then he turns out to be a scrooge and not sexual. But yet you desire a bf so much you keep it going. Then he turns out not prince charming so you break up in the most unnecessary cruel way. There really is nothing wrong with checking if your chemicals in your body are working like they should. If that is not the case, wel then you are just passive agressive cruel and like K said acting like a teenager

    #799436 Reply

    Newbie

    I list a few symptoms:
    – fear of abandonment
    – extreme push and pull behaviour
    – very negative self image and what other might thing (i remember your older post where you were deadly worried about that)
    – feeling empty
    – feeling suïcidal or selfharming
    – extreme moodswings
    – dangerous behaviour for example with sexuality.
    – tantrum tantrums.

    Really i only want to point this out since i had a collegue with similar issues and was so relieved when she got diagnosed and got therapy.

    #799443 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    In your case it’s not about revealing reasons. It’s about being unnecessarily cruel. It’s fine to break up and say, “I don’t think we’re compatible” or even “My sexual needs just aren’t being met in this relationship”. It’s HOW you say it. From what you wrote you were vicious and immature and you didn’t even break up with him face to face, but you lost your temper and dumped him over Whatsapp. So you clearly need to work on your self control.

    You never even liked this guy. You’ve been posting about your dislike for him for weeks. So it seems extra cruel to me to continue dating someone you secretly can’t stand just because you’re afraid of what people will say if you don’t have a boyfriend (which is what you admitted in your other threads). And then to reach a boiling point and dump him by attacking him very personally. All of this shows a lack of character on your part, in my opinion. Sorry but it’s true. Imagine if a guy did all this to one of your female friends (dated her while not really liking her, then viciously dumping her over Whatsapp with a very personal attack about her sexuality)– you’d think he was a total a$$hole wouldn’t you?

    #799481 Reply

    Ss

    Hmmm. I’m beginning to think that you are yanking our chain because nobody could really be so vile and not be self aware enough to know that the audience they are sharing with will not be impressed.

    If you are not having a laugh then you are a pretty awful person. Sociopath comes to mind.

    I really hope your posts are a joke or God help any man that settles with you

    #799568 Reply

    Sylvia

    I agree with all of you. Just read the las paragraph please. I control the emotions and should have stayed calmer. Blame is totally on me, I do feel guilty, believe me. He just couldn’t get a hint. At first I just said we’re too different, that I had a great time and something great may be we’re not compatible. He was “I’m just rusty at being out, I like going out with you, I was mean to your friend because she didn’t greet me”. I told him it worried me we weren’t progressing sexually and I like feeling close. He didn’t reply to this. So I wrote the last paragraph, the mean one.
    Then I got mean because of all the build up. I feel bad but also relieved.
    Because you know what? This guy already was checking on me if I’m telling the truth ie I’m back home – so see took pictures from outside the apartment to show “how beautiful view I have”. To show me that he sees when I’m out and when I’m in. He wanted to spend every day together, didn’t want me to meet with my bff. I told him I was going back home and had to catch the train, didn’t tell him which exactly which. He assumed (correctly) that the one at 5 pm and I wasn’t (yet) there. Can you understand that it creeped me out?

    #799587 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    This is what we’re trying to tell you. It’s really important to have self-control in relationships. You shouldn’t just explode all over a person. It’s not about what he did or didn’t do or whether he “deserved” it, it’s about carrying yourself with dignity and maturity.

    You definitely did the right thing by ending it with him. Not only because the guy sounds like he had creepy control issues, but because you actively disliked him! Really you should have ended it a long time ago and not let things build up the way they did.

    I think it was a mistake to have a heavy relationship conversation over Whatsapp. The things you were discussing really should have been talking about in person or at minimum, over the phone.

    Anyway I stand by what I said before, that your behavior is 100% about you and not about him. You can’t blame him for the fact that you chose to act that way in that moment, no matter how annoying or controlling he was. It’s not even like he was offending you in the chat, he was hardly replying.

    Hopefully you can learn from this whole experience. In the future, don’t date guys that annoy you, and don’t let resentment build up. And of course, when addressing relationship problems or ending a relationship, conduct yourself with dignity and maturity, don’t act like a teenager.

    #800102 Reply

    mama

    I read your last paragraph again. Take some ownership in your actions.

    As for what I tell someone when I break up with someone I haven’t been in a long term relationship with — I have had to do it a few times: I certainly don’t take it as an opportunity to unleash all the negative things I WANT to say. That doesn’t help — get a therapist or a best friend to vent to. I tell them that I’m really sorry to have to say it, but that I don’t think we are a good match. I wish them luck in finding someone special. Then I end the call or end the meet up as quick as I can. Lingering only leaves the opportunity to get into a rabbit hole of he said/she said. Me telling them why I don’t like them is irrelevant to their lives and wellbeing. I make a point to leave them as intact as I can.

    You didn’t date this guy long term, it wasn’t years of a relationship — this was a few months at most, correct? What right do you have to cut him down? You date to find compatible folks. He wasn’t compatible, it wasn’t a match. Move the f**k on and **carry yourself with some grace.** Stop posting all these things that you think make your point. This isn’t court. And it doesn’t matter. He could be the best guy in the world but if you don’t think it’s going to work, then it’s not going to work.

    I would even be wary of being your friend at this point. You go from zero to annihilation and it’s a bit scary.

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