How do people make their marriages work?

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  • #942596 Reply

    I am not even talking about the love aspect. I am just talking about the practical problems. All my long term relationships have ended because of work. Yes right. Nobody cheated. Nobody did anything wrong. It’s just that sometimes the guy had to travel and live in a different city or country for work. And I wasn’t willing to leave my job and travel to that place. Other times, I had to travel and live in other places, and the guy I was with wasn’t willing to move. And tbh this issue can never be solved in this life. Anybody might have to move because of work at any given time. If you are together, then one person has to make the sacrifice of moving for no fault on their part. My ltr has recently ended because of this reason. What scares me the most now is that if both aren’t ready to move or sacrifice for the other after getting married also Then how would you make your marriage work? I can’t keep breaking marriages too. And I cannot compromise on my job and career too. So what do I really do here?

    I am thinking maybe I can choose one place to settle down and find someone who wants to settle down there too. But again it’s the corporate world. You never know when things start going south and you need to move. Or when you get too good an offer from somewhere else. Or the other partner might get it. And it would spoil everything again.

    I am really stuck here. Does one person in the relationship has to be doing a lesser paying, normal job so they can travel wherever the other person wants?? I cannot be that person and I cannot settle down with a person like that too. I want to be with a guy who earns well, atleast as much as me if not more. But that kind of guy will generally NEVER compromise on his job and move around according to my convenience. And i wouldn’t either. So what are your suggestions here.

    #942599 Reply

    This is a very inflexible stance. Your only options are to not get married at all or make it very clear to your fiancé that you are absolutely not going to move for his work. Even if he agrees at the time he still might change his mind later. Life has twists and turns and if you’re not willing to ride them out with your life partner, you’re better off staying in casual relationships only.

    #942605 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    “Does one person in the relationship has to be doing a lesser paying, normal job so they can travel wherever the other person wants??”

    Honestly, I think yes. If you have the type of high-level, high-paying job that requires you to move cities constantly, it will be very difficult to partner with a man who has the same type of job. In my own family, I have sisters/cousins whose careers have taken a back seat to their husband’s high-paying job; their husbands have jobs that required them to move around the country, and my sisters/cousin sacrificed their own careers to maintain their relationship/marriage. If they didn’t, their relationships would have had to end.

    I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, it’s just how they did it. Both people in the relationship can’t have the type of job that requires you to move regularly. Someone has to be flexible and willing to move with the partner that has the higher-level job.

    Likewise I have a female friend who is climbing the corporate ladder and has moved around a lot (3 cities in the past 5 years). She has resigned herself to casual relationships (at least for now) because she knows she will most likely be moving to another city in the next year or two.

    So I don’t think you can have your cake and eat it too. “I want to be with a guy who earns well, at least as much as me if not more. But that kind of guy will generally NEVER compromise on his job and move around according to my convenience.” Honestly in this case I think you’re stuck. There’s no resolution. If you can’t be with a guy who has a “normal”, flexible job, who is willing to move where you move– I don’t see how you will maintain a relationship.

    #942611 Reply

    I am sorry to say this but if their husbands one day decided that they are out of love now, or they fall for someone else or they cheated etc. Then these women will feel very bad that they compromised on their careers, even if they were earning less than their husband. I feel a woman should never willingly put herself in such a place. Anyway, maybe I will also settle for casual relationships or I’d try to try to find someone who is also tired of moving and wants to settle in one place where I am also okay settling. Let’s see what happens.

    #942614 Reply

    I know someone who moved to be with her bf from one European country to another and now she is there on her own, while he has all his family and friends around him. one person always has to sacrifice and from what I have noticed women are more inclined to do that than men.

    #942616 Reply

    exactly my point. There was a time when I had a better and more paying job than my partner but he still didn’t move for me as he liked his job and wasn’t sure if he wanted to quit it just yet and look for another one where I was moving. Obviously I respect his decision. Why are we the ones who are always have to make a sacrifice when it comes to career? It’s not fair… because they are the ones who will go around calling me a gold digger when i demand a really hefty alimony if a divorce were to happen. Because with a divorce i would lose so much more than just a partner. I would have lost my career, experience years, chances of a better pay, an identity of my own that I had as a career woman etc etc. It’s too much of a sacrifice for just one person to make. But anyway, i don’t want to demonise anybody for what they choose to do in their life. To each their own.

    #942618 Reply

    it is a very common theme for men not to sacrifice. You rarely see men staying in unhappy relationships, but plenty of women do. You rarely see men staying and taking care of someone who can’t walk/eat/is seriously ill but again a lot of women stay even when their partner is telling them to leave.
    You rarely see men sacrificing their careers to raise kids but most women do.
    Men tend to be more selfish than women , they tend to think what is best for them not for the relationship and it might seem heartless but most men would sacrifice their relationship if they were offered better work opportunities etc.

    #942620 Reply

    Yeah that’s true. And tbh that’s also one of the reasons why I’d rather my career than a man. My career will never wake up one day and tell me that it doesn’t love me anymore and is leaving. Also, i always question myself would your bf leave his job for the relationship? And the answer is always no. So even I don’t feel like compromising for them. I don’t see any attraction in a relationship where I have to make the bigger compromise, knowing fully well that if tables were turned, the guy wouldn’t have done it for me…

    #942621 Reply

    And when these popular narratives try to fill the head of a woman with self-love theories, they should talk about these things too.

    Loving yourself also means not making sacrifices for others who wouldn’t make those sacrifices for you.

    #942622 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    I agree that women are definitely the ones expected to make more sacrifices for relationships/family.

    In the case of my sisters, both managed to establish themselves in good careers that pay well in the places they moved to, fortunately. I do wonder at times if they wonder “what if”, what would have happened if they hadn’t moved for their husbands– but they wouldn’t have their kids, and the comfortable lives they have now. So I think they both think it was worth the risk. I think moving for a boyfriend is more of a risk obviously, if you’re not in a committed marriage.

    Any relationship can end, of course. Whether because you break up, or one partner passes away, for example. If your career is more important to you than anything, even marriage/family, then that’s fine– that can be your priority. I think it’s so personal and individual depending on the situation. For one thing both my sisters married guys who earn a lot of money, so if they hadn’t married the guy and moved with him, they wouldn’t be in the income bracket they are now. So there’s that. And women in general tend to be paid less than men because of sexism so if a woman can use her husband’s income to buy a better house, and possibly leverage herself into a better job– why wouldn’t she.

    #942624 Reply

    I know plenty of men who stay in bad marriages. Usually for the kids. I’ve also seen men make “sacrifices” for their wives and families. My BF is a high earner and he works remote so he can work anywhere – there are lots of people out there who work remote or hybrid these days. We once moved to another city so I could take a job. Now we’re both remote and it’s great. We can do whatever we want. That job didn’t work out well for me so we decided to move again and we worked together to select a place we were both happy with. There were places I would have liked to live but he didn’t want to and there were places he would have liked to live that I didn’t want to. We crossed those off the list and decided between a short list of three that we both agreed on. Nifty, huh?

    Tik, I take it you don’t plan on having children either because that can significantly slow down a women’s career trajectory.

    You say: “And tbh that’s also one of the reasons why I’d rather my career than a man. My career will never wake up one day and tell me that it doesn’t love me anymore and is leaving. Also, i always question myself would your bf leave his job for the relationship? And the answer is always no.”

    Sadly, it sounds like you’re meeting a lot of the wrong men. But when you’ve made up your mind about how the world is, the world tends to deliver just that to you. It’s not you’ll believe it when you see it, it’s when you believe it you see it, all over the place. Your belief is going to keep attracting the same thing so you can say, aha, see that’s what they’re all like. Your belief guarantees you won’t get a man who says, yes, I’ll move.

    How old are you, may I ask? Women with your attitudes about men and careers often wind up very lonely by their 40s and 50s.

    I’m not dismissing or disagreeing with some of the points you’ve raised. Women should be prepared to take care of themselves financially. You’re right, your career won’t leave you for someone else, but it won’t love you and keep you warm at night either. There’s a kind of love and happiness your career will never, ever bring you. Anytime you enter into any kind of relationship you’re opening yourself up to being betrayed or let down. Sounds to me like you’ve made up your mind to put on the armor so no one has a chance to hurt you again. But it seems to me like you’re setting yourself up for unhappiness by focusing on just a high earning corporate type of man. There are other types of high earning men. Your focus on this whole issue just seems so narrow that you’re blotting out all the other possibilities. Your first priority is protecting yourself against a selfish man. It feels rather hypervigilant.

    And I repeat, what you fear most or are dead set against is what you will attract. You’re trying so hard to control and and direct plan everything out in advance. Life just doesn’t work that way, you know? You sound like the lawyer who posted here last week and had all her dating criteria and timelines laid out so tightly. Trouble is, human beings are all individuals and we are messy. We don’t fit into neat little boxes.

    I know you’re not going to change your mind, just presenting some devil’s advocate perspectives that maybe someday might be of use to you.

    #942625 Reply

    You made a few great points. I think maybe I have become too negative about dating altogether after getting burned so many times because of the same reasons. So i have sort of made up my mind that nothing can get better. So maybe that’s what’s being delivered to me.

    I need to take some break from dating fjr now I think. Just to get a little positive about it all.

    #942626 Reply

    I’m very pleased to see you’re taking what I said in the constructive spirit I mean it!! I’m reading and I’m all, whoa, you’ve already gotten yourself married and it not working out because he needs to move for a job and divorced and demanding alimony!! Don’t program the crystal ball like that!

    Great idea – back off dating for a little while and recalibrate yourself. Relax and start enjoying your life. Look for the positives and be grateful for what you have. Just doing that each day can turn your thinking around 180 degrees and get rid of your anxiety about the future.

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