This topic contains 13 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Mark 1 month ago.
May 18, 2022 at 11:29 pm #933690
So I have been talking to this guy for about a week plus, even though I’ve known him since childhood though we never spoke or anything. But he is familiar with my family and his parents are close to mine so he doesn’t feel like a stranger.
We only started to talk recently and went on one date before he invited me to go for a wedding with him over the weekend. i was skeptical but I agreed.
I don’t have any romantic feelings to him yet cause we just got talking, he also hasn’t made any intentions clear yet which is fine since we just started to talk.
At first I wanted to go because, I’m very introverted and I don’t go out or meet people, I thought it would be nice to go have fun and make some friends. I also haven’t been with a man since so I thought I could have fun too. But on second thoughts, I always get attached quickly when I get sexual with someone, so now I don’t wanna get sexual with him on this trip at least not until he makes his intentions clear or at least I’m sure of what he wants.
So do I tell him before the trip that I would appreciate if we don’t so anything sexual or do I just wait till we get there and he makes a move.
Also not going isn’t really an option again since we already made plans and I also really want to go, like I said I don’t really go out or have friends, my sister also thinks it’ll be good for me to actually go out for once.
I’ll appreciate any suggestions. Many thanksMay 18, 2022 at 11:37 pm #933691
Edit: we are going over the weekend, means we’ll be in the same place, room together for two days, so I know he’ll most likely make a move which is why I want to know when to bring up not wanting to have sex yet.May 18, 2022 at 11:53 pm #933692
Please insist on separate rooms!May 19, 2022 at 1:44 am #933707
I am not sure if he is going to insist. I once dated someone long distance and when we finally met I went to his house and even though he was really tired from travelling he let me sleep in his bed and he slept on the sofa.
Some hotel rooms have separate beds.
I think it is not always right to assume a guy will want to have sex with you!May 19, 2022 at 9:28 am #933712
Seperate rooms avoids the possibility of you being trapped in a situation where you feel pressured. So that’s a possibility.
I will say this because I understand the human tendency to go with the flow and not make waves:
If you do end up staying in the same room as him, there are a variety of ways “one thing leads to another”.
Sharing the same bed is obviously one of them. If there are two beds then that reduces the possibility of a pressure situation.
Not advised, but if there’s not 2 beds and you insist on sleeping on a sofa in the room, he will probably try to convince you it’s no big deal. If you follow through on sleeping on the sofa, he will probably tell you he’ll take the sofa and you can take the bed. Probably.
This could introduce some uncomfortable interactions.
My point in bringing this up is: If you do end up sharing the room with him, have a plan for how you will discuss these things. Play it through in your mind ahead of time, so you’re not caught off guard in an uncomfortable moment.May 19, 2022 at 11:16 am #933714
This is really black and white to me – get separate rooms or don’t go. Sharing a hotel room with him when you know for sure you aren’t ready for sex is a bad idea, because it’s just too intimate of a situation. It’s one room and you’re sharing a bathroom. This is how women get into sexual situations they don’t really want and we need to be smarter and more protective of our bodies. You say you think it’s likely he’ll make a move. You know you aren’t ready for that. So just ensure there won’t be a problem by getting your own room. Otherwise this is how you end up with “he said, she said” date rape situations.May 19, 2022 at 12:35 pm #933715
>> AngieBaby: “You say you think it’s likely he’ll make a move. You know you aren’t ready for that.”
That really hits the nail on the head.May 19, 2022 at 2:08 pm #933716
Thanks Eric. It’s great to have you here adding very thoughtful and helpful insights. Men aren’t that hard to understand actually and I appreciate the explanations you’ve been providing lately.
To me, the writing is clearly on the wall that it’s highly likely there will be an “unfortunate incident” – that could have been avoided. Why on earth take that chance? Isn’t your safety worth the money to get a room rather than have a traumatizing experience?? If it’s not, then it’s not worth going at all.
Please OP and ladies – let’s value ourselves enough to protect and respect ourselves and not knowingly put ourselves in danger of being pressured or worse forced to have sex when we do not want to.May 19, 2022 at 2:16 pm #933717
Going to a wedding for a second date seems odd to me, sorry. I get that your family knows this guy’s family, but you don’t know this guy. A second date should be, like, dinner or drinks or a movie or whatever. A few hours, tops. A wedding is a long, involved, heavily social event (you’ll be meeting his friends and family, etc). Just my opinion but it seems strange to me, I wouldn’t be comfortable with that.
I agree with AngieBaby one thousand percent. There’s no way I’d even consider sharing a hotel room with a guy on a 2nd date! Do you see how crazy that sounds?
You say you’re introverted and don’t go out much and “don’t have friends”, as you put it. So please listen to what AngieBaby is saying. Don’t put yourself in a position where you will most likely be pressured into sex when you’re not ready for that. You should absolutely get a separate room. If this guy isn’t understanding of that, he’s not someone you want to date, believe me.May 19, 2022 at 3:12 pm #933720
Don’t go on a trip with him if you are not going to have sex with him. Otherwise, you are just stringing him along. Or at the very least let him know in advance. He seems kind of stupid though for wanting to take you on a trip with him if he hasn’t had sex with you already. I wouldn’t take any woman on a trip if I have not already had sex with her.May 19, 2022 at 3:19 pm #933722
AngieBaby – Yes, it’s true. Men aren’t complicated in themselves… I think the service A New Mode provides is clarifying the widespread misunderstandings the culture has about men, love, sex, dating, etc.
Liz Lemon – “There’s no way I’d even consider sharing a hotel room with a guy on a 2nd date!”
Yes, that is also good phrasing for this.
And that’s phrasing a guy could understand too.
I like framing in conversations where it’s not framed like a problem or conflict.
If anything, it reflects high value, comfort with yourself and confidence.
You can still look forward to the days with him, the wedding, all that. It can all be very fun and cool.
AND, simultaneously, you can have the simple perspective that you don’t share a hotel room on a second date. It’s not personal or anything against him.
It’s not about him, it’s about it being a second date. Takes all the heat off it being personal.
Good stuff.May 19, 2022 at 4:24 pm #933723
I’m with you Liz, a weekend trip to attend a wedding on the second date feels like too much too soon that will create false intimacy and/or be rather uncomfortable. Personally, I’d politely turn down that invite and just say I’d rather spend time with you 1:1 to get to know you for a while, too much of a crowd at a wedding.May 20, 2022 at 2:34 am #933736
Hey. I get the plus one thing and he has asked you to be there for him which is fine imo. Its an enjoyable day all round and you get time to chat and get to know each other and to see what he is like around his friends and family. What you should have done though is had a bit of a conversation before it was booked/ agreed to just confirming that for this you are there as his friend/ companion and to just enjoy be there to support on him on the day. You can still have the conversation and just clarify that you would much prefer your own room and if this is not possible at this late stage you will not be going on a romantic capacity and to shut down any ideas before its too late. If he is respectful he will understand and it means you have shown him your boundaries. Also be very careful not to drink too much on the day or potentially you could end up in a situation that ruins everything. Good luck.May 24, 2022 at 6:16 pm #933843
If you stay in the same room together, he may believe you are planning to have sex with him. NEVER stay in the same hotel room with a person of the opposite sex unless you di want to have sex with them.
As a guy, if I invited a woman for a weekend trip and we shared a hotel room, I would expect she wants what I would want, sex.
Anyone who says otherwise, has no concept of reality.