How can I get him to include me more?

I actually don’t know if you are overreacting here.. I might be upset if I were you too..

The impression I am getting is that he may not be inviting/including you is because he doesn’t see a future with you.. I am not saying that to hurt you, that is just how I would personally feel about it..

If he already knows this bothers you and nothing has changed, I doubt it ever will :/.. Is it only group things that he doesn’t invite you to? or is it everything? how much time do you spend with him?

thanks for your input Pollyanne,

I didnt want to make a big deal of him not mentioning the move because I didnt want to scare him. I guess i want to take things easy right now and start fresh with him and I thought by me mentioning our future together it might freak him out a bit. I wanted to think about what to say and how to say it first. But I do agree that it is a big deal, I just dont know how to approach it.

We spend a good amount of time together. We both have lives and like to do stuff on our own too. My issue is when he talks about concerts and festivals with his friends and doesn’t really mention it to me. Last night, he was talking about how many days he will have to take off of work this year because of “this festival and that concert”. I wish he would say “oh yea, I know XYZ festival is in July, but did you want to come with us this year?”

Everything else is perfect with us, him not including me in some things just upsets me. and maybe you’re right and he doesnt see a future with me. in which case i need to move on….

thanks Ashley!

I agree with you. I’ve changed a lot since our initial breakup and I try to not make a big deal of things as I did in the past. I guess I have learned to pick my battles. And if it is something I feel strongly about or bothers me a lot, I let myself calm down and think about it first before confronting him.

With him not inviting me to things, I have not made it seem like it bothers me at all. But obviously deep down it bothers me as i associate it with not caring and like Pollyanne said, maybe it means that he doesn’t see a future with me. which scares me.

I just don’t know if I should talk to him about it. How can I do that without sounding needy and as if I don’t have a life of my own?

I completely understand how you feel. I would feel the same way!

The thing to remember when it comes to guys is they do what they want. If he wants to include you, he will. That’s why I say if you pull away in that regard a bit, he should notice, & will feel the need to reel you in more. That hopefully will include including you more :)

the problem with girls telling a guy something that has to do with his behavior/the way he lives his life is usually guys see that as “nagging” even if that’s not the way we see it, and they don’t actually CHANGE IT, they in fact do it more lol one of the many differences of the sexes.

in many cases when a girl is saying something that is totally logical & not sounding needy or anything, it doesn’t matter, they interpret us saying something about the way they do things, as nagging. women who would NEVER consider themselves “nagging” actually are, to a guy. it is sooo frustrating I know, but that’s the way it is most of the time. that’s why you have to show a guy through actions instead.

I do enjoy going to concerts and festivals with him and he knows that. I don’t think he really thinks its a big deal when he doesn’t invite me. He just thinks of it as him hanging out with his friends and not him deliberately excluding me.

I know if i bring it up to him, he’d definitely think I’m over reacting and that I shouldn’t care that much. And I know I shouldn’t, its just that when I see his friends bringing along their GF’s it hurts my feelings.

It just makes me feel like he doesnt want me to be a part of his life. Is that weird to think? I want him to WANT me to be there with him and have fun with him. And when I dont get invited to something, it definitely makes me feel like he doesnt want me around.

I know he cares about me and he shows it so much in other ways. And I dont want him to think that he’s doing something wrong (because i dont think he is, i just dont think he really thinks about how it makes me feel).

BTW – the way to bring it up with him is not to blame or say why don’t you inlcude me, why didn’t you invite me, that is nagging.

Saying to him,,, in an excited fashion, Wow that sounds like fun, wanna go with me to the next one?

That tells him the event sounds interesting to you, you would like that activity, you want to do that with him. His response will tell you where he is. He might say, Sure, I am going with my friend next month wanna go, or he could say, there is one next week you and I could go, or he might say, Ugh…ok,,, and not follow up, either way you get more info by communicating with him.

Thanks Ivy,

I’m confused if I’m just caring too much. I’m scared if I bring it up to him he will think I’m a child and that he needs to do everything with me. And that’s not what I want. I don’t want him to feel that he NEEDS to include me in everything or I’ll throw a fit. He has a lot of friends and they’re always doing things together. I get that. I just don’t want to feel like I’m on the backburner. ugh

I just want to know why he doesn’t think to invite me to things or talk about future plans with me. Am I too annoying? Does he think he has to babysit me? Do his friends not like me?

And yes, I do invite him with me and my friends all the time.

Hi Lisa.

I agree with Ivy in that you shouldn’t feel or be afraid to talk to your boyfriend, but I think the problem is not know HOW to properly frame it in a way that comes off as “nagging.”

If I want mine to do something, I just say “I would really appreciate it if we could go that together, what do you think?” and give him a chance to respond. It could very well be that its a ‘guy date’ where just a bunch of his buddies are going alone; OR it could be that he’s not yet sure if you’ll be together then because he’s still not sure if you will ‘get along’ as 2 months is still too early to really know, and to buy tickets and make arrangements may be too big of a risk for him now; OR he would be GLAD to take you! Until you ask you will never know.

As to him possibly moving back in 3-5 years, that’s just a THOUGHT he’s tossing around so I wouldn’t put any emphasis on it. Mine has done it a few times too, but the one thing you have to know about guys is they are ‘visionaries’ and although they may think about it, 9 times out of 10 it won’t happen. Only when they start seriously considering it by looking at job opportunities or physically taking a trip to interview and look for a potential place to live would I take them seriously.

I think you need to learn how to communicate with men better. There are ways of approaching things with them and once you become develop these skills your won’t be so afraid all the time. I have found “effective communication”, “active listening”, the “art of negotiation” and “conflict resolution” to be great skills and tools to develop as they won’t only help you out in personal relationships, but professional too :-)

Lisa,

I know you’re scared but I really thing you need to communicate how you’re feeling w your boyfriend.. because at this point I think you’re now making yourself paranoid and feel worse about it than you have to, and I know how much that feeling sucks!.. all the “why” questions you are asking, only he knows the answers to.. and you never know until you ask :)

And remember it is all about how you bring it up and talk about it.. have you ever hung out with his friends? because If you have I would maybe say something like, “remember when we did ‘blah’ with ‘so and so’? that was so fun! maybe we can do that again sometime”

If you are going out with him 2-4x a week I’d say that is quite good and perhaps you could take some time to develop your own interests.

And if there is a fun event he went to that he did not invite you to then once again I don’t see any harm in saying “Sound like fun would you like to do that together sometime?”

As for now perhaps chillax a bit and cultivate your own interests, he doesn’t have to be your world. Then once you get to your own busy funfilled life, revisit the issue and see if you are content or still discontent and try to decide what is the reason for your discontent. Maybe if you aren’t happy with him he isn’t the one for you.

HES JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU

Trolling 6 years later, shame on you… Don’t you have anything better to do?!