Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › His dad passed away, Give him space?
- This topic has 32 replies and was last updated 2 years, 9 months ago by
tammy.
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anon
People just vary. When I lost my parents I would have loved supportive messages.
The key is not to DEMAND anything. A sweet “hey, thinking of you” text every couple days shouldn’t offend anyone. It may get ignored but that’s it.
When my mom died I was dating 2 guys and one just sent a good morning text each day. The other would. Not. Stop. Are you OK?????? How are you?????? I can’t wait to see YOU!!!! How are you???
Good morning guy was comforting to know I was on his mind. The other guy overwhelmed me. No one who is grieving needs the energy of someone pressuring.BUT if it was me, I’d send a low key non pressure text somewhat regularly to let him know you are there and still with him.
Dil
I am going through the same situation right now :( My bf’s dad passed away the last week and he has not spoken to me since then. I called him and he didnt answer my phone. I messaged him and still he didn’t reply or view my messages. I am so worried, and I have nothing else to do other than waiting for him to talk to me back. I am super worried :(
anon
Dil, just don’t put any pressure on him to respond if you send messages.
It’s just a rough time, and it’s also often an insanely busy time planning a funeral and settling an estate. It can be very stressful because there are a lot of moving parts and some people you deal with are nice and some are surprisingly not nice (hospital, medical billing, insurers F YOU). It’s expensive and any family drama will come to a boil.So you lost someone you love, are suddenly very busy planning an event and if you have any relative you didn’t get along with, they are annoying you or even angering you.
The best thing you can do is quiet support and understanding. “Just checking in, keeping your family in my thoughts, if there is anything you need, please ask.” No “where are you?”, “I’m worried”. No pushing.
Lane
I’m sorry but YOU are not on his mind right now! He is IN PAIN and also on overload with a high level of emotions known as grief; whereas men don’t have the emotional capacity to handle loads of it like women do so they literally shut down when trying to manage it. He is also trying to comfort others who are grieving too so he is not only having to deal with his own but ALL the others who are reeling with pain too such as his mom, siblings, etc. so its a double whammy of emotions he’s having to deal with all at once!
His focus in on his family and those very close to his father as it should be. When things have calmed down enough for him to reach out he will but DO NOT, and I repeat DO NOT pester him in any way shape or form or he will surely see you as a source of STRESS not comfort! My ex husband did this to me when my father died. He originally offered his condolences which was fine but then he kept wanting to talk and I didn’t as I was with my prime family members and were supporting each other so I didn’t need his support during this time. It apparently made him angry that I stopped communicating and shot off a nasty text that I didn’t want him there because I didn’t invite him where I responded “You never asked or offered to drive the three hours to be here if you really wanted to be here.” Then he got nastier to point I was SO LIVID that he was making this all about HIM and not giving a crap about the sheer grief I was dealing with that I cut him off for a very long time. Don’t be that person!
muna
Thank you so much.. my boyfriend lost his dad and he told me immediately via text when his dad passed away.. he stops responding to me.. but he would once in a while and then the voices in my heard told me to leave him alone.. I called a guy friend of mine who told me that men need space.. after reading all your comments I have decided not to take anything too personal.. thank you
Sitey
Hi all!
Thank you so much for sharing all your experiences and advice. My bf’s best friend died from cancer. He updated me once his friend passed and kept me updated when he had to leave country to attend the funeral. I texted him some comforting words after he left yesterday but have yet to hear from him yet. Thank you all for advising not to expect any form of response at this moment as the focus needs to be on him. I cannot stress him with my insecurities or seek any form of validation or assurances. It is hard because I want to comfort him but learnt from all of you to give him space. And let him come to me when he is ready. Thank you all of you for helping me understand!
Mazzi
Hi all
Thank you so much for this information, my boyfriend of 4 months has lost 4 of his family members within a month. Including his mom and grandmother due to covid. Even the father is critical ill, I really needed to hear all the advice you’ve given. Because I didn’t know what to do now or how to be there for him. Because after the death of his mother he completely shut down, not answering any calls or texts. But gave an update and he just said his depressed, it broke me. Wanted to fly to him and make him feel better, but I’ve made peace and space is what I’m giving him as I love him so much and don’t want to lose him. Sending love and hugs to you all.😘
tammy
just keep checking in on him every few days. nothing too heavy. just supportive light messages. thats all you can do.
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