Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › He’s backed off since exclusivity
- This topic has 17 replies and was last updated 2 years, 8 months ago by
Vera.
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Vera
Hi all,
Needing some advice .
Dating a man x 1 month.
A few days ago we became exclusive .
I was happy with how things were going so I agreed to it , though clearly it’s still early days . I was happy with just focusing on him and seeing how things go.
The problem is , within a day or 2 of becoming exclusive he has backed waayyy off. He used to text me all the time , answer my texts right away . Since then, he now waits hours to text back.
He still seems interested but less than before .
He didn’t plan the next date the last time we saw each other . Only asked 2 days later for a last minute date and I was busy so I said no.
Has not tried to set up another date since .
Huge change from before – he was calling me daily, texting all the time , wanting to see me all the time .
I wouldn’t have agreed to become exclusive if he was acting this way.
Help! Not sure what to do. Even though he is my boyfriend by name I feel awkward bringing it up if he asks me out again.tammy
stay put and see what happens. don’t initiate too many chats and don’t chase. if he has backed off its possible he has changed his mind or maybe hes going through something. just observe what happens in the next few weeks.
Vera
Perfect . That’s what I’m doing .
The thing is if he asks me out again and I go, do I bring this up on the date ?
It’s hard because I don’t want to seem needy but clearly my needs aren’t being met and I’m not happy with this poor communication.Zoe
I would not bring it up. If he took 1 step back then you take 2 back. I agree with Tammy DO NOT initiate anything! Have him ask you what happened to your feelings not the other way around. I would not accept the next date either if he asks you. Maybe his ex returned or who knows he will not tell you anyways, stay cool and calm
tammy
i don’t think being confrontational would work. may annoy him or make him defensive. as i said dont push its too early. just try and relax. and see what happens in the next 2 weeks. let him ask you again.
mama
You’ve been dating for approximately a month. Just watch his behavior. If he does what you like, put it in the plus column. If he doesn’t do what you like or the opposite of what you like, put it in the minus column. See what adds up.
Do not bring up anything. This is the time to see how he acts and if it matches what you need. It’s not judgement, it’s observation. It’s about how well you fit on your best behavior. If it doesn’t match what you need, no matter how much you like him, let him go. You will save yourself months of trying to change someone when you really should have just accepted him as he was and move on if it wasn’t a good fit.
Women need to stop trying to change a man they find. Just find the right man!!!
Sophia
I don’t know that she’s trying to change him, except to have him go back to acting as he did for the last month, pre-title.
Maybe in his mind exclusivity means you’re set as a couple and he doesn’t need to put in the effort because he already has you.
I don’t know, but I agree that you shouldn’t bring it up. Wait and watch for a few weeks. If this is how he’s going to be from now on then I’d cut out because it’s not what you want.
Ewa
Being exclusive doesn’t mean he is your boyfriend. Being exclusive means you’re not sleeping and dating other people but then again it’s just words and you don’t really know what he is doing behind your back
Kathy
If he doesn’t show up soon, forget exclusivity and start dating others if you can. I mean it. If for some reason he finds out I’d say, I haven’t heard much from you and we have no dates on the book, so I thought you’d changed your mind.
He knows what he’s doing, don’t let him play you.Vera
Great advice ! He did step up now . I guess he noticed my absence . I’ll proceed with caution ….
tammy
glad you didnt push it. thats what even i try to do. when the person acts distant, i too take a step back. and then let him make all the efforts. if he doesn’t then i just assume that he lost interest and move on.
Vera
Thanks for your help.
New issue : I’ve noticed he’s backed off slightly since the beginning . He’s still making plans to see me but not as often as before . Mind you, he is really busy.
I have this anxiety / worry about him just stringing me along .
What advice do you have ? It’s only been 6 weeks of dating .
Do I just work on myself and find new hobbies ? Do I speak up (though based on my past experience it’s usually never a good idea to ask for more time and attention , no matter how nicely you say it ).Ewa
You don’t ask for time or attention. You back off and if he is not stepping up then his loss. Concentrate on yourself , find new hobbies, be busy. Don’t see him when he wants to see you when it’s convenient for him.
Sophia
I have colored sticky notes all over my house that say:
TAKE CARE OF YOU.
and
FOCUS ON YOU.They actually have turned out to be great reminders!
Liz Lemon
Maybe this guy isn’t a good fit for you, if you’re anxious about how often be makes plans with you. How often does he do it?
Maybe you have anxious attachment issues. It could be that he’s contacting you & arranging to see you with reasonable frequency, but if you gave anxious attachment, it won’t seem like enough. That’s why we need to know how often he sees you–when you say he “doesn’t see you as often as before”, we don’t know what that means.
Overall though I think this guy probably is a bad for for you. If he were the right person, at 6 weeks you’d be in the honeymoon period & be head over heels.
Vera
Hello, it’s not the frequency but the change that’s got me a little anxious .
It used to be almost too often (like 5 days a week) and now it’s maybe 3 days a week. Not bad . I was just kind of trying to see if I should say anything about it or no so these answers are helpful .
I don’t need a guy who’s constantly reassuring me . It’s just the change in frequency that got me a bit miffedLiz Lemon
Seeing a guy you’re dating for 6 weeks, 3 times a week, is pretty often in my book. It sounds like a healthy level of contact to me. More so if you say he’s a very busy person. It sounds to me like he’s making a lot of time for you, if he’s seeing you 3x a week, and you’re not even dating 2 months.
I still say the guy may not be a good fit for you if you have these many questions/anxieties this early on in the relationship. You said “I have anxiety/worry about him stringing me along”. What are you basing that on?
Vera
Good question . I think I’m just always like that . It is true that I am anxious avoidant. Constantly second guessing my feelings towards a guy I am dating , wondering if its even right , being scared / fearful of committing … then when I commit I wonder if it’s right . Even with very secure guys I always try to find things wrong . I never know if it’s just not right or if I’m being too picky .
I for sure have noticed this guy is less keen than before . He was really in convincing mode before , and now that we are dating maybe he’s become more relaxed . That change doesn’t help . -
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