This topic contains 8 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Lane 1 month ago.
October 28, 2020 at 9:05 pm #822179
I know it’s impossible for anyone to know the answer to this but I really just would love an outsiders perspective on my situation to know what you think.
My ex and I broke up 9 months ago. We both still really care and love each other but things had changed. He’s going through a bit of a crisis and our relationship wasn’t the same. We’ve been on great terms since allbeit keeping our distance. I have so much love in my heart for him and have always had in my gut we’d get back together at some point. I’ve tried to move on but know I’m not ready for it.
I wrote him an email yesterday just to express loads of things that had been on mind that I don’t think I’d be able to effectively communicate next time I saw him. I basically thanked him for the break up and said I understood why we needed to break up. Told him the perspective I’d gained over the last few months and how important it’s been for my self development. I apologised for times I was self-involved and for a few other things. I told him I will always love him and thanked him again for making me the person I am today.
I didn’t at any point ask for him back but I think the way I worded it made it clear that I’m becoming a different person and if he’s ready for a relationship with me then I’m on that page too.
He text me back once he’d read it saying ‘Everything you said went straight to my heart and so good to read. I’m happy to know where you’re at and proud of you. I’m proud of where we’re at right now. I’ll cherish those words, they really touched me. We should meet up for a coffee again’
I guess I just want to know what someone who doesn’t know me or us would make of that?
I’ve read it so many different ways and I don’t know and I’m confusing myself. First I read it and was heartbroken because he didn’t tell me he loved me like I guess I hoped and felt like the relationship is well and truly done. Then I read it again and realised I obviously still mean something to him and he’s still trying to figure out what he wants and where he’s at.
But I guess I’m putting this out there to you guys to tell me what you think. Any outsiders opinion would be huge. Thank you in advance.
PS – we’ve met for coffee before – we’re in the same friendship circle so we see each other quite often and catch up quite often. Never anything romantic. We’ve been kept really strong boundaries because it just seems too inappropriate to push anything flirtatious now.October 29, 2020 at 7:04 am #822307
It’s hard to say- I’d err on the side that he was just being friendly. You wrote you’ thanked him for breaking up- if he was not also thankful you’re broken up, he may say- it makes him sad that you’re broken up. He didn’t say that, but said he was proud of you. Leave the conversation where it’s at and I’d continue working on yourself to remove yourself from holding onto this relationship- it seems like you are since you see him and catch up with him being in the same social circle. He sees you often so if he wanted something more than what it is, he would do something about it.October 29, 2020 at 7:55 am #822320
I think you should take what he said at face value. Women have a tendency to say X hoping that a man will reply with Y. But men are generally more straightforward.
And you can’t say something to a man with a secret agenda and expect him to read your mind and give you the answer you want. “I didn’t at any point ask for him back but I think the way I worded it made it clear that I’m becoming a different person and if he’s ready for a relationship with me then I’m on that page too.” You think you worded it clear but trust me, if you did not say it outright then it’s likely he did not pick up on it. With guys you have to say what you mean.
You emailed him to thank him for breaking up and saying you understood the reason for the breakup, but when he wrote his very nice reply, you are “heartbroken because he didn’t tell me he loved me like I guess I hoped.” What response were you expecting?
It sounds to me like he is relieved that things are fine between the two of you and he values your friendship. There’s nothing in his reply that makes me think he wants to get back together, personally. I don’t think he’s “trying to figure out what he wants and where he’s at”. He sounds totally fine with the situation. I agree with Anon that if he wanted to reignite things between the two of you, he would do so– it sounds like he has plenty of opportunity, since you hang out in the same social circle, and yet he has not done it. It’s because he doesn’t want to.
Maybe it would be healthy for you to take some distance and not see him so much, since you are obviously still so affected by this relationship. You are still clinging to it. It might be good to take a break from hanging out with him so you can focus on yourself and move on.
The other option I see is that you lay your cards on the table and tell him how you feel. To be totally honest, I don’t think that will go anywhere because it honestly seems like he is not interested in anything romantic with you. But it would be better to do that than to drive yourself crazy. If he tells you with his own words that he does not want to get back together with you, it will (hopefully) help you move on.October 29, 2020 at 9:05 am #822336
Firstly, never again assume that something means one thing when the words actually say another. Humans are not mind readers and men even less so.
I read it as… thank you for the lovely words, I care about you as a human being who I shared a past with and let’s get together soon.
But, if you want to… the right response to let’s meet up for coffee is:
I would love to meet up for coffee, that sounds lovely!
And then wait to see if he actually makes a planOctober 29, 2020 at 9:33 am #822340
Some parts of your letters sound rehearsed. For instance, are you really thankfull for the break up? And are you really the person you are today because of him?
I think what you did was write a rapport letter hoping he would change his mind. There is nothing wrong with that but i realized myself a few years ago that writing down truths takes some time peeling off to get them. The layers you have to peel off are the ego, the manipulaitive and the saving face ones. Lets say for instance you were not happy with the break up, but once it happened you learned to stand on your own two feet again and also gained some perspective on who you were and acted in this relationship. And now few months later you are better but still wondering if there is a change to try again.
Im not saying what i wrote is the truth but sure you can see the difference. If you wanted to communicate you are better and want to try again (im not saying to say this literally) you said the exact opposite: in happy we broke up. So really dig deep what is true. Because it can come out wrong when its an attempt to write for another reason. Thats what we women do, men dont.
So now you have a situation where your ex thinks you thanked him for the break up and are a person that couldnt develop on her own. You can try to go for the real truth in the coffee date he suggestedOctober 29, 2020 at 9:47 am #822342
I agree with newbie. You did what many humans do: you were not actually vulnerable, you were manipulative to see if you could get a reaction.
Everyone does it because the real vulnerability is scary and hard.
If you want to try to fix it, you could just suggest that coffee, but… you will need to actually sputter out form of the following…
I have learned a lot, and I believe I can be a better partner. Would you be open to reexploring that?October 29, 2020 at 9:48 am #822343
Oh, that should be said in person. Not emails or texts.October 29, 2020 at 9:58 am #822346
I agree with the others that the way you worded your letter it came across as your doing well because of the breakup and you’re letting him know how you have progressed (nothing to indicate otherwise). If I was him I would be taking that like thank you I am better off now. His response was very kind and it appears he is agreeing with you and is happy how things have turned out. Not to say he isn’t interested in trying out again because you didn’t state that so neither is he. I would say by him requesting a coffee is a good thing where you can really discuss your situation in more detail and see where both of you stand. This is a conversation that should be done in person. There’s nothing wrong with telling him how you really feel and take his actions and words to truth…meaning if he still feels that the relationship is better as you are now then you have your truth. Good luck and I do hope things work out since it appears you both still do care about each other.October 30, 2020 at 10:08 am #822597
The problem with sending an email like that is you are operating with a hidden agenda and are apt to say things that aren’t true so you end up sticking your foot in your mouth such as “I’m glad for the breakup….” When you are being dishonest or deceitful then you haven’t changed or grown like you stated you have but are, most likely, repeating one or more patterns that caused the relationship to dissolve.
You were not being clear or honest with him. If he has seen you many times in the past 9 months he doesn’t need an email from you telling him what he already knows. Sounds like he’s reached the point of “indifference”—he doesn’t hate you but doesn’t love you either. Sure their may be a smidgeon of love left but its not enough to compel him to attempt any form of reconciliation with you again.
You are firmly planted in the “friend zone.” That’s where he put you because he remembers how the relationship with you went down and doesn’t want to go down that road with you again. Un most cases one time’s enough (one and done) where “do overs” have an abysmal success rate, less than 20% because the same issues/problems have a nasty way of coming back—wash, rinse, repeat.
He will want to start fresh with someone new. Someone he can develop positive memories with when *he’s ready* to go down that road again. If I were you I would do the same by closing that door, keep working on yourself as we always have some work to do; and start off with a clean and fresh slate with someone new too.