He went back to his ex and I am devastated


Home Forums Dating and Sex Advice He went back to his ex and I am devastated

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  • #629055

    Hana

    I feel the worst feeling possible and that is the feeling of being replaceable and deplorable :(

    I was dating this guy for about 3 months. I have never felt so good and safe with anyone like I did with him. He treated me with outmost respect and was a gentleman .. but I saw that towards the end he was drifting away and then used the work excuse but deep down in my gut I knew there was someone else like his Ex, which came to be true. I should have taken that as a red Flagg at the beginning. For all I know he could have been cheating on her With me or dating me while they were on some sort of break

    I am so devistated cuz I can’t let go of this guy and I really fell for him. I start to get upset and the thought of them being together, doing things and traveling….

    I currently struggling because I am in grad school and have no time to myself or enjoying my life so all I do is Compare myself and my life to his ex and I feel worse and worse about myself.

    The sad thing is that I have so much going on for me both physically and personally but I don’t recognize it or see my worth so when things like this in dating happen to me it takes a huge toll on my self esteem.

    I am mostly seeking out support and advice on his to get out of this obsession and self inflicted pain and how to regain my confidence and enjoy myself and start to build a life that I can be proud of so no guy makes me feel this horrible ever again.

    ;(

    #629057

    Emma

    Sweetheart, I feel your pain from your writing. Try to understand that it is not about you, it is about HIS feelings for his ex that existed prior to you and that are no reflection on you in any way. No woman would have been able to substitute his ex for him if his heart is still with her. No matter her looks, her wits, her anything, he’d want his ex, that person. No other person would make us feel good, even if that person is objectively much better, smarter, more beautiful, etc. You really need to understand this, it is really not personal. Have you never been in this situation yourself? Probably not, if you can’t see it from his perspective. But if you try you’d stop feeling bad about yourself instantly.

    #629060

    MariaTheOriginal

    I agree with Emma. it’s not your fault. I tried dating when i wasn’t over my ex (we are now back together after 9months) and ended up hurting someone who really fell for me. it wasn’t a reflection on him (he had so many great qualities and if we’d met at a different time it could very well have worked out), but my heart was elsewhere, and you can’t compete with that.

    #629061

    Raven

    Find things that bring You joy…

    #629062

    Hana

    Thank you Emma, I know that there is no way I could compete with that or their rich and personal history. I just didn’t know all of that until things ended…. He had been “broken up” with her for over 8 montths when he met me but I do not know if they kept loose contact or were still seeing each other..

    I do not hate the guy because I feel like he really did try with me, or maybe he was trying to fill a void. I guess I was his rebound and nothing more while for me he was everything a guy had been to me in a while…I think the juxtaposition of this situation kills me. Also, I do not fall for a man easily, I sort of take my time with things but with him it felt so natural..

    Maybe I have some deep emotional issues to be able to be attracted so deeply to an unavailable man. It makes 0 sense.

    I am mainly focused on how to let go? What do I do? Already deleted his number and social media awhile ago but it doesnt help.

    #629072

    Omi G

    You feel bad because he picked her over you, of course for any of us that bruises our ego BADLY. We feel nothing but down, even though we may have wonderful things going in our lives. No matter how good life is to us and the other people around us, that feeling of when you don’t “see your worth” ruins it all. I know that feeling. I think we all do! It sucks bad but you know what? 3 months is not that long, i bet you anything within a few months you’ll roll your eyes at yourself about him. Re-read your first sentence, “I feel the worst feeling possible and that is the feeling of being replaceable and deplorable 🙁” – it’s just a feeling, it’s not who you are. Feelings go away, your emotions are hurting and it will pass. We all experience loss / grief and it sucks. All I can do is give you a big air hug. Just know that he was an experience you needed and now you know what you need to do in the future to act upon the red flags you do see and not ignore them or disregard them. They are red flags for a reason.

    #629087

    Emma

    Omi, I don’t think he picked his ex over Hana. It is not a matter of choosing between two women you feel normal about. He had deep pre-existing feelings for his ex, that’s why it happened.

    8 months is not long enough. In some cases you need 2 years, even for short relationship. it depends on the strength of the feelings and not on the actual duration of your relationship.

    In my case it took 2.5 years to get over someone I “dated” (not!) for less than 2 months. I am still not over him, it;s just time numbs your feelings. If he contacts me and we start communicating all my feelings will rush flooding back and maybe even with a stronger force.

    You are young, you will fall in love again. To let go I suggest not to fight it, admit your feelings, admit jealousy, face them, experience them and then take it day by day. Try to enjoy things you like. I know it is nearly impossible but keep on trying. For me going to the gym and being busy with projects helped to stay sane. Travel, get distracted. You’ve already gone through the first 3 months, this is the most difficult time, after 6 months it would get easier if you do not reinfect your wounds.

    The worst thing that can happen, which you probably want more than anything, is that things won’t work out between him and his ex, and he’d come back to you. This will only prolong your agony UNLESS he asks you back explicitly and clearly, saying I love you, etc. This is not possible given that his heart is still bleeding, so it is really better for you not to let him back in your life in any shape or form. I’ve made this mistake and every time it just takes you back to square one. Do not repeat this mistake.

    #629101

    Lane

    May I ask how long ago he went back to his ex?

    Heartbreak really SUCKS which is a big reason I didn’t want to be in a relationship after my divorce…it took me almost 4 years after I left my husband of 20+ years to even CONSIDER one again! The good news is during that 4 years I focused all my energy on ME by rebuilding a single happy life…my calendar was slammed pack of all kinds of things from golf, to softball to social events, travelling, focusing on my career, to the point I didn’t NEED a man to make me happy because I was too happy being me!

    I would not grieve too long because you risk falling into a depression. I would start finding fun things to do (meetup.com is great), buy self-help books that can help with your self-esteem and areas you feel the weakest in. Also start filling your calendar up with hobbies, activities, friends and family. Do not talk too much about the break up because eventually people will become super sick of hearing about it and it also keeps you STUCK.

    I know your hurting, but you really need to start working on and focusing on YOU because that is the best method of becoming whole again. Like they say “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger!”

    #629111

    Omi G

    @ Emma

    The OP said she only dated him for 3 months…they weren’t in a committed relationship. I don’t think that it’ll take her 6+ months to heal, I’m quite sure she’ll realize this and get her sexy back lol within a few months. All I was saying is that 3 months is not long to really get to know someone, she’ll be able to move on soon once her emotions get back to normal and she realizes this.

    #629117

    Hanna

    Guys, you have been incredible supportive and I thank you al so much. I know 3 months it’s not a long time but I have never felt that vulnerable with a man before and he knew it, and didn’t take advantage of it either. Maybe he was just as confused and guiltily as well and didn’t know what he was doing with me.

    Hi Lane! The last 3 weeks according to social media they have been doing stuff together and pretty sure they are back on full force but he never posts pics of the two of them.

    I think my challenge is that I am in a very intensive graduate school program that leaves me no breathing room and I had a good thing happen to me and it all went down…. I think my life will be definitely better in quality once I am done with the program and have a good job and stable income to afford more traveling as well as hobbies.

    Currently, I am poor as diet, no time, stressed out and the lowest of the lows I have ever been. So I know my situation is bigger than him and it has more to do with the point in life I am currently at ..

    I am working hard and staying focus so I finish and don’t slip into depression …. I honestly can’t afford it.

    #629132

    redcurleysue

    Girl you need to get your mojo back.

    First of all hats off for doing the stressful program. Focus on that. And the good news is it will finish and be history in your life….light at the end of the tunnel.

    I agree with you that stressful times in our lives is not the time to evaluate our worth as a person or woman. Bad thinking….forget it….focus on the work.

    As for comparisons…look, you have unique qualities that not everyone has…in fact, no one has your personal combination. We are all as unique as snowflakes….so, you cannot quantify what you have to what someone else has…it does not equate….apples and oranges.

    I am sorry this happened to you but you need to realize this happens everyday to thousands of people….you are not alone by a long shot.

    Please, do yourself a favor and forget the comparisons…they are unworkable.

    #629200

    Ellen

    It’s hard to accept the situation when you have the lower end of the stick. Please just know that there is nothing you could have done and said since it seems that his mind and hear was somewhere else.

    I agree with other posters than 8 months it’s not a long time to jump into another serious relationship. Next time please keep this in mind and don’t emotionally invest in a guy until they show their true colors.

    The hard times are not permanent! You will grow stronger and wiser because of this one day, I promise. We all have gone through similar things one way or another. You have to actively focus your attention somewhere , most importantly yourself. Yes, time heals all but most importantly you are in control of your thoughts and as a result your feelings and emotions which is why it is an active and consistent mind work out.

    Hugs! You will get and feel better soon!

    #711334

    Marie

    Feel sorry to hear about everything you’ve been through but whatever happens happens for the best just know that later on in life you’ll look back and think what was you doing with him because your destined for better maybe now it’s your days of sorrows and suffering but after the sorrow comes the good times and that’s awaiting you let him have he’s good time now he’s bad times are waiting to get him you’ve got the best to come hun and you will eventually find the love of your life you deserve and he’s loss will be someone else’s gain you will be someone else’s happiness and everything for that person which he let go of

    #715461

    Mrs Benjamin

    Hello girl. The same thing happened to me except that we were together a month. She found out and decided to come back . I cried cause I fell for him(who falls that fast) ?i did… we did . Well.. after he disappeared for 2 weeks( he would text.. but not see me or make plans) . He gave me some lame excuses and I finally faced my worst fear and drove to his house . Of course he didn’t open the door . She was there . I get home and finally texted me the truth. I called him. Cried a lot and suffered. And guess what ? After a week that. Detached and never looked for him he came back saying that I am the one who he loves and it could not work with her cause he was in love with me . I gave him a chance ( don’t know why) and we are now together for 6 moths . We even live together . But honestly I am still having a hard time cause I cannot forgive him a 💯 percent. Read the text what is good or bad ? It’s a Buddhist text. It will help u. I understand u cause I sure was in your shoes 👠. Love!

    #725148

    Rosie

    Hey guys…
    I know some of these posts are over a year old, but I would really like to know how some of you are doing right now. I am going through the same things right now. I’ve been dating this guy for about 4 months. We were together all the time and everything felt so good. It just felt like I had found my person. After a while, I found out that in the very beginning he had sex with his ex. For some stupid reason (too scared to lose him) I accepted it and continued the relationships I thought we were having. It was going well for a little while but it just got worse and worse. I found out that he spent all of last weekend with her. The day after he texted me good morning with a heart.. as if nothing happened. I decided to ignore him.
    Due to the stress of the internship that I am currently doing (also a very hard one), and the stress of the situation with him, I was about to collapse. I decided to contact him and explain that I was not doing well. He told me that he wanted to stop everything with me and to just be friends. He said he wanted to be able to do whatever he wanted without hurting anyone. This is just a way of saying that he doesn’t want me and I know it. It just makes me realize that he is a coward who doesn’t want to own up to the things that he has done.
    I am going to have a talk with him in the near future about the situation. I know I shouldn’t want him anymore, but I still do. Right now I just feel as if this feeling is going to last forever. That is why I want to know how you are doing and if time healed your wounds..
    Please let me know and thank you in advance.

    #725185

    Emma

    “He said he wanted to be able to do whatever he wanted without hurting anyone.” – wow this is really something. You dude is a piece of art. Sorry

    When someone dumps us for someone else, sorry for being so vulgur, it is extremely damaging to our self esteem, it is a piercing feeling that you get. Plus so many feelings get mixed up together in a whirlpool of conflict, magnifying each other. None of it is love necessarily. But it can take a very long time to get over it.

    This is probably one of the very few situations where I’d say get angry. Allow yourself to get furious and angry. Try to really see yourself the way you mom would, feeling all the hurt and damage for oyu not being able to help you. She’ get furious at the dude. So do the same for YOU. This would help you to get over this feeling faster. Otherwise you can get stuck for a long time. It is really not about the number of weeks you’ve been together, so long so it is not 1 or 2 weeks of course.

    Get angry and feel indignation for YOU. Once this feelings starts boiling in you, it would take over the rest and you won’t see him as anything much desirable anymore. You’d stop respecting him, you’d see how all your excuses for him are quite lame, and soon after you won’t feel the pain, it will begin to fade out quite quickly.

    Anger is a negative emotion EXCEPT when is used as a self defense LOL So defend yourself, get furious and feel the indignation for what was done to you.

    #725226

    hawk

    I was in a similar situaion…
    I was somehow very down and vulnerable and he fcked me very hard. His bedroom was all ornamented with the gifts from his gf… and he did it, he didnt seem to pay any attention… he couldnt stop orgasming. he said will you be her rival. i was very confused… poor girl, so disrespected…

    #725227

    L

    You’re going to have a talk with him in the near future about wanting a man back who said he doesn’t want you?

    #725229

    Jen

    You can get mad had him, but the person you should really be evaluation is yourself. You knew early on he had sex with the ex. You should have bailed right then and there. But you said you were afraid to lose him. Guess what? You never Had him if he was sleeping around, wrap you head around that. You caused your own pain by sticking with a man you knew in your gut was not all in with you.

    Then he not only spent a whole weekend recently, again with the ex, and told you he is gpdone seeing you, you still want to hang on. He isn’t over the ex and he is going back to her. That’s pretty clear by his actions.

    I would let this go. Four months is not very long to be so hung up on a man like this.

    Evaluate why you allowed yourself to cling to a man you knew all along was still hung up on his ex. That’s your answer. It’s not about him. He showed you early in he was not going to be serious about you.

    #727477

    Dennis

    I’m a gay man,fell in love with a bi man who said he lived with his girlfriend but just as roommate as it was rocky and over. She doesn’t know he’s into men too. He moved in with me after 8 weeks, I caught him spending the night with her, I kicked him out. He still texts me, we have hooked up a few times, I do love him and want him. I feel he is living a lie with her will they last? Is he confused who he is should I move on? I was mairred once to a woman too so I understand being bi. I know he has true feelings for me, and we could have a good life together. Will his 3 year rocky girlfriend relationship fail again? I would love to have him back, but only if he’s over her. He’s living a lie with her that she doesn’t know he likes a man, dose that make him a cheater or just confused with his life? I want him and I think he wants me but he doesn’t want to leave her and hurt her leaving again right now? Do I wait, do I stay in the friend zone, do I do no contact, how can I win him back, or do I just move on and not feel like someones plan B if they don’t work out?

    #729874

    Bless

    I know this is old but I’m here to share my story. I’ve known this guy my whole life he always wanted me to be his gf but i didn’t want our friendship to get messed up & our bond to get broken so i would turn him down. He always told me he loved me & wanted to be more forever but he ended up being with a girl & i was a lil jealous because i did want to be with him & loved him but I didn’t want us to ever separate so i didn’t wanna get to serious. The girl ended up getting his heart but he was still my friend during their relationship. They broke up for 2 years but her family still loved him so he would still visit them every now & then. Me & him ended up getting serious because I’ve finally made the decision to be with him so we were together for some months but our relationship was a little rocky , i did the breaking up but wanted him back & tried to make things work but he was serious about us not getting back together. Me & his cousins were best friends & his cousin told him i would talk down on him to his cousin but i never did. His cousin had a crush on me who he’s i didn’t know until after i stopped being his bestfriend so my ex was really upset with me & said he never wanted to talk to me again. 6 months after our breakup he got back with his ex from 2 years ago & i was soooo upset cause i wanted us to work things out. But I’m still trying to heal because i seen their pictures on social media & they look so happy & i just felt like he loved her more than he loved me. Now that they’re back together they’ve worked out their old differences & now me & him won’t be able to do that now that their feelings are back involved with each others :(

    #730614

    Jen

    Hello everyone!
    First of all I want to say Hana I’m truly sorry you expirenced this pain & heartache and I hope you are in a much better place now!
    & Im aware that this is old but I hope I get some advice on my current situation I feel like I’m stuck and can’t move past what happened..
    Our situations are very similar while reading it felt as if we are one person.
    I got out of a toxic relationship and a week later met this wonderful man who made life so much easier , a man who brought sunshine into my life. He was truly the best man I have ever came across & I was so thankful that I expirenced that toxic relationship because it brought me to this wonderful guy. He is the sweetest , selfless caring & loving man I ever had. I truly felt like I hit the jackpot & I know to some it might sound silly because it was only 4 months but I was so happy to have the chance of finding someone so wonderful. His company simply was a vacation getaway from a rough day. As more time went by even when I had the most wonderful day he was the first one I wanted to share news with. I met all his close friends & his cousins.
    Every moment spend together was bettter the. The last. We had weekend getaways together that we’re better then any vacation even if it was 2 hours from our town.
    I thought everything was progressing until he started being distant out of no where. I noticed a dramatic change & briufh it up to his attention to make sure everything was ok because we went from spending weekends together to barely seeing one another even once a week. He reassured me it was, just been having long days at work .. etc.
    I had a very rough day at work and he invited me over for some cuddles and movie.
    I wasn’t sure if he just wanted casual since he got so distant so quick so I offered to go out for a drink instead & we did , the night went as every night except less affection as per usual. I didn’t bring it up to his attention because I thought maybe I’m looking into the situation a bit too much.
    We made plans to see one another the upcoming night, I got home from work & he asked if it’s ok for him to stop by for a chat. When he came by he right away began with “I’m so sorry I have been acting weird and distant the past 2 weeks , ever since I felt as if I was heartbroken .. unhappy. In that moment my stomach turned into a not but I didn’t show it. I said is everything ok? He said yea I’m just not happy and it’s not with you , your do wonderful and I’m going to regret this but I have been thinking of my ex and if I don’t give it another go then I will never be happy. so I asked if they had any contact his words were no I wanted to speak to you because your wonderful and you deserve to know this I wouldn’t want to do anything behind ur back I wouldn’t like it done with me. & it’s not you you’ve been amazing it’s just me and how I feel and I’m truly sorry for this . I started with “ thank you for being open & honest “I’m deeply sorry that you weren’t happy with me. Thank you for a wonderful 4 months & I truly hope that things work out for you & ur ex and you become happy again. His eyes filled with tears and he said if you ever need anything I’m here I’m sorry I said same goes for you & don’t be sorry just want you to be happy you deserve it! He hugged me apologized again and left. The minute he left waterfall of tears fell down my eyes and I know he didn’t try to lead me on intentionally and he tried to move on & I do truly wish the best for him and hope he is happy it’s just deep inside I’m hurting so much that I finally find a perfect man who has everything I ever wished for and much more and I lost him forever.
    How do I move on from him? , how can I stop feeling regret and like I messed things up to loose someone so great .. we drove by each other a few days ago so I sent him a text wishing him happy holidays & hope all is well and he never replied. I miss him so so much when I shouldn’t & I probably sound crazy for still wanting a man who had no issue loosing me to go back to an ex he claimed he should’ve moved on from years ago. But I don’t have not one bit of anger towards him just wish I was that girl ..

    #733117

    B

    Hi guys,i’m also here to tell my story all of which had ended this morning. So i’d class myself as a woman who doesn’t need a man and honestly i don’t mind being single as i’ve been single for over 2 years now. I don’t like to show any emotion towards a man,So basically i started talking to this lad around 2 months ago and honestly my intentions was to play him because i was lonely and I was still hurting from my ex,Shame on me right? Anyway I didn’t because I was starting to enjoy this lad company. I knew he had broken up with his ex between 4-6 months ago which I still was vary weary about hence why i didn’t want to get too into him. Everyday I spoke to this lad,He seemed really interested and he showed me everything I wanted to see in a lad and it made me wonder why I ever ‘settled’ for my ex because he was everything my ex wasn’t. I knew this lads ex was still heartbroken over him and I never really knew why she was so broken about him,He seemed genuine he told me all of his troubles,things about him and his family and now I realise I was just a shoulder for him to drop all his worry’s on,he never had any real bad intentions on me,he just wanted to forget about hi ex and start with someone who looks somewhat similar. My gut instinct when I first started speaking to him is ‘he’s not over his ex,he’ll drop me for his ex’ because hey hadn’t been split up for that long. I only just started seeing change in his behaviour for the past 2 weeks,it was only faint last week but he wasn’t telling me everything he used to for the past 6 weeks,he wasn’t making as much effort to speak anymore i was getting more and more paranoid but didn’t show it,Only this week it became clear to me,He wanted to meet up for ages but I couldn’t because I work full time. So for the past week we arranged to meet up today but of course two days before we are supposed to meet he disappears from his social media no sign of him being active,I kept brushing it off thinking he was busy and would get back to me when he can but this morning he appeared again but just not in my messages,he deleted every evidence of me on his social media and then I had thoughts of him and his ex being together for the past two days,so I checked her Instagram and they’re was my lesson learned. So I blocked him and got rid of that negative vibe and try to put it off my mind. I think the only reason why it hurts so bad is the fact that even though I wasn’t really interested in the beginning I started to gather feelings for him and he was the first person in two years I gave a chance to get to know me like he did,I don’t hate him but it’s not nice feeling like you’re not good enough for someone so I can only imagine the pain she felt. Guys,Please please please trust your gut instinct if it’s telling you the worst then believe it,I’ve never listened to what my instinct tells me and everytime I’ve ended up with a broken heart. When that right person comes along for you,You won’t have that instinct telling you to call it off. If you’re going through this now and are having doubts I’ll tell you in the nicest way possible to get out of there!!! Be the one to walk away with your head held high. Just remember it’s not you,it’s his feelings for his ex that drove him back. You are worthy,Dont let any man/woman make you think any different.

    #733128

    Hana

    Hey guys!

    I am the original OP that posted the original post over a year ago. I periodically check anewmode because I like this community and then support, and it caught my attention that my old post has been visited a few times this year!

    Ladies, I am so sorry what you all had to go through with your exes, I can say more or less I do feel your pain because i was there once. The beauty of pain is that you come stronger, wiser, and more confident on the other side.

    I know is cliche, but it all starts with you! Whether in pain or in love, use every situation to better yourself. That’s what I did after my lesson with the guy that went back to his ex. I was able to be prepared and quickly picked up on same behavior with the next few guys I dated, and made the filtering process much easier. I didn’t get attached and neither did I waste time because it was clear to me that they weren’t ready for what I had to offer.

    Fast forward to now, I am currently in a happy relationship of 6 months with a man I can see the rest of my life with! Does it mean this is my happy ending? Not necessarily. Does this mean that I won’t get hurt if it ends? For sure helll, I’ll get hurt. But now I know that I can face and struggle in pain, and i know that I will come stronger on the other side. And I know regardless with every set back and heartache, the next best thing that comes is bigger and brighter!

    So to all my ladies that are hurt, feel the pain. Bathe in pain. Face the pain. But use it to become a better person and push you to the other side. You will be amazed at the life that was been waiting for you, but you needed to become bigger first.

    Love you all!

    #733132

    Newbie

    Hana,
    This is one of the best and motivating updates i have read. I hope that a lot of girls and women read it to know that sometomes its only good to cut your losses. Hope you found youre great match! Best

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